An Open Apology from Shadowryter

[shadowryter]

Hi all, as you all know I had Penny close my DISign thread back in October due to family issues. I had all but the best of intentions to come back and finish the requests on my thread which I have with many of you. My mother, who is 79, has many medical conditions and my father, also 79, and has Alzheimer’s moved in with me, my husband and daughter a few months ago. Life has been hectic with this new living situation but to make matters worse on November 4th my mom fell off of the dining room chair resulting in a hip fracture. She has since gone through surgery and has been in rehab these past 3 ½ weeks.

I have now learned first hand how difficult it is to live with a parent with Alz. There’s a lot of arguments, mostly about him taking his meds and wanting to take money out of their joint bank account (all of it!) so he can buy lottery tickets and go to Dunkin Donuts. Since my husband works nights I have been driving dad to the rehab center to visit mom in the evenings with his car. Not a problem but two nights ago he took off with the car in the evening and was gone for too long. I thought he may have gone to visit my mom but that wasn’t the case. Reluctantly I had no choice but to call 911 and report him missing.

A couple of hours later he was at my door with an officer who came inside and talked to my dad which resulted in him surrendering his license. Dad was obviously hurt and then angry which resulted in him leaving on foot the next day only to get lost and driven home by the same officer. I am now “dead to him”, but I know it’s just words from a man with this horrible disease but it’s been hard.

Now that I have finished my rant I just wanted to apologize for not completing your requests. I can only hope that you found someone else to help you out as there are many extremely talented DISigner’s on this thread. I do have some requests still in the works and will try to finish them by the time they are needed. It’s very hard when you aren’t allowed to concentrate on doing something that you love so much without distraction.

Mom will be released in a couple of weeks. Not looking forward to this Christmas, the only good thing is she will be home and dad will be dad….some days. I hope that you’ll come back to my thread when I reopen it in the Spring. I’m sorry for those I missed and apologize if I can’t get to you in time. I hope that all of you have a Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year and I'll see you in the Spring.

Linda aka shadowryter

 

[newlittleminnie]

I'm so sorry for everything that's been happening to you, and it's very thoughtful of you to think of those on here after everything you're going through.

I'm sure no one would hold it against you that you didn't get around to completing everything, it's totally understandable.

I hope things get better for you and you enjoy what you can of this Christmas.

 

[figmentswife]

I just wanted to say how sorry I am for you to be going through this. Alz is a horrible disease for the family. You have helped with me last 2 trips and for that I am grateful. I wish you and your family healing and peace. Prayers for you and all of your family.

 

[M_I_C_K_E_Y]

Linda,
I always say that family has to come first. The boards will surely be here when you are ready to return, but for now take care of you and yours. I will keep you and your family in my prayers and hope you can find some balance and peace.

Know that we are thinking of you and hope that you can make some memories over the holidays that you will treasure forever.

 

[bababear_50]

Hi Linda Hon
listen to me for just a moment please--I say this from my heart and hope it is ok to be a tab bit outspoken,especially when i know you just need a big old bear hug.
If YOU are not well(emotionally and physically) then everything will fall apart. Please ask and look for some outside help.Once a day hide out in the bathroom and deep breath and try to go to a very happy moment you had with your dad. Remember this,,when mom and dad were young they did what they had to do to keep you safe and cared for so they would want the same for your family--maybe they just haven't or are unable to say that right now.
Remember many adult children take on the responsibility of adult parents and find that their parents would be happier and sometimes safer in another "home away from home'. Drop in and chat with us,we miss yah but love yah for more than your generous designs.YOU are special!
Talk soon
Mel

 

[dyak]

So sorry for the difficult times you are going thru with your family. Hope your mother has a speedy recovery. As for your dad, Alzheimer's is a terrible disease that is harder on the family than the patient.

You helped me with a shirt for my disney trip back in September and I had more inquires on that shirt than any other. So let me take a moment and say THANK YOU!!! YOU are the GREATEST!!

As stated earlier the boards will not go anywhere. You take care of yourself and that wonderful family you have. Life is strange enjoy your dads good days and love him during the bad days as well......we never know how many of those days we will have.

 

[mommyto3boys]

I can't even imagine how hard this must be for you...I will keep your family in my thoughts and prayers.

~Danielle

 

[Cinderella909]

So sorry to hear of your struggles in your life. Your parents are lucky to have you to care for them. Alzheimers is a dreadful disease, as it takes away the person that you love so dearly. It's hard on the entire family. I do hope that you remember to take care of yourself in the midst of caring for the family. Hopefully too, you'll be able to locate some community resources to assist in the care of your parents.

Thank you for all that you have done here on the DIS and I hope that the holidays bring you some joy and happiness as you adjust to the new norm.

Again, please do take care of yourself.

Regards, Kare

 

[es45]

I happened across your post and just want to wish you well with this painful journey. Your parents are blessed to have such a caring daughter. I'll keep your family in my prayers.

 

[angelmom27]

Sorry to hear about your mom and dad. I have seen all of their medical problems through the woman in my family. It is hard. Prayers for you and your family. Just a suggestion for your dad their are programs out there that will provide free gps trackers for elderly people with alz. It is usually like a medical bracelet or watch. Can't wait for you to come back but take your time we will all be here when you are ready. Have a Merry Christmas.

 

[dato63]

I didn't have any standing requests with you, but wanted to offer you my thoughts and prayers.

I agree with some other posters, your parents are blessed to have caring family to help them through this.

 

[jorengia]

I am so very sorry to hear about all this. As a nurse, I have always really felt for the families of Alzheimer's patients. I had to deal with the patients for 12 hours....I cannot imagine full-time care of a loved one with Alz. It's a difficult transition becoming the caregiver to a parent...without this ugly disease. I pray that your Dad finds some peace with his new living arrangement and that you get some much needed respite. Best regards <3

 

[kathie859]

Linda--I just wanted to tell you how sorry I am to read of your trials. My best friend's Dad had Alz and it was very difficult for her even though she was able eventually to place him in an assisted living facility. I can only imagine how difficult it is to deal with your father on a daily basis.

I am hoping that there is some sort of respite program available in your area so you can get some relief. Sending prayers and good wishes to you and your family.

 

[tlh0726]

Hi Linda Hon
listen to me for just a moment please--I say this from my heart and hope it is ok to be a tab bit outspoken,especially when i know you just need a big old bear hug.
If YOU are not well(emotionally and physically) then everything will fall apart. Please ask and look for some outside help.Once a day hide out in the bathroom and deep breath and try to go to a very happy moment you had with your dad. Remember this,,when mom and dad were young they did what they had to do to keep you safe and cared for so they would want the same for your family--maybe they just haven't or are unable to say that right now.
Remember many adult children take on the responsibility of adult parents and find that their parents would be happier and sometimes safer in another "home away from home'. Drop in and chat with us,we miss yah but love yah for more than your generous designs.YOU are special!
Talk soon
Mel

I moved in my mother and took care of her for almost a year before she passed away. It is not an easy job.

I quoted Mel above because it is spot on.
You have yourself, your DH, and your daughter to think of. It is a difficult decision and you have to step back and look at it as a 3rd party on how this is effecting all of your lives. Together you need to come to a decision as to when you have no choice but to look at alternate living/care arrangments.

You should not feel guilty about doing what is best for both your family and your father.

My thoughts and prayers are with you and your family.


adding
I do not know how old your daughter is but I wanted to share this.
This past Sept while helping my DS fill in a report on his grandparents for grandparents day, my daughter had to "remind" him of fun things with grandma. Once she mentioned them he was like Oh yeah! Both of them will tell people about the Dr. appts, therapists that came to the house and how Grandma talked mean to mom and refused to do what she was told to do. When going through everything that we did that year, it never dawned on me that those would be the last memories they had of their grandmother.

 

[shadowryter]

Hi all, I just wanted to stop by to thank you all for your kind words, thoughts and prayers. The day after I posted things got out of control with my dad. He seemed fine that night. He talked to my mom about how much he loved her and missed her and was very cooperative. The next morning when my mom called he went totally balistic. Said how much he hated her and me and wanted us both dead. He took off in the afternoon and when I asked where he was going he said a few choice words and went out the door. I saw him stop at our neighbors and he was ranting so I went after him. I begged him to come into the house because it was cold out. I explained to our neighbor what was wrong with my father.
My DH and DD were just coming back from the auto shop with our car when they spotted him. My DH managed to get him into the house but not before he told everyone he was going to take all his pills and kill himself. I called 911 after this and the police came quickly. They talked to him and found a screw driver under his pillow? He was taken by ambulance to the hospital for an evauluation where they found him unfit and unsafe to come home.
He is being transferred to a geriatric psyhc ward. He wants nothing to do with me so I haven't seen him since he was taken away. When he was gone I saw that he flattened the tires of his car and removed the plates. I found the plates and realized today that he punctured one of the tires. My mom is coming home on the 20th but is afraid to come home if he were there which I don't think will be happening anytime soon. I've managed to sleep through the night for the first time in weeks.

 

[bababear_50]

Rest well sweet girl and know we are saying prayers and thinking only good thoughts for you and your family.
Hugs Mel



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[jjhardy]

Alz is an awful yet fascinating disease! My husband's Grandmother had it and we took care of her for 11 years at home! It would have been much easier to put her in a nursing home but my MIL promised her dad she would never do that! With Alz I feel eventually that's a MUST! Grandma would forget Granddad but yet would remember my MILs phone number and call and ask her if she knew where Dad was because there was a man there to see him (Granddad!)

She got violent too when we started having to bath her and help her to the bathroom. My hubby couldn't be in the house when we did this because she would hit us and scream Help me Help me!

We ended up contacting the local Senior center and they had a State grant just for Alz that allowed us to get a caregiver in for 4 hours a day and we only had to pay what the grant didn't cover which ended up being less than $10 a week! We went through a few aides before we got our Saint Mary! Grandma would hit and curse at the other aides. It was hard to deal with since she was such a loving woman who wouldn't hurt a fly before the Alz. Once we got Mary that all changed! Mary could always get Grandma to smile, dance and be happy! When Grandma fell and broke her hit a year before her death Mary even visited in the rehab center!

Alz takes alot out of the entire family! I think it may be in your best interests to find your father a home that specializes in Alz since he is one of the patients that seems to be violent. Some just sit and snuggle with babies or stuffed animals others are violent no matter what because they are scared. Also find an Alz support group! That helped our family alot in the beginning when Grandma could still talk and wander off.

Prayers to your whole family and please take care of yourself first! Without you everyone is lost!

 

[Minnie321]

You will be in my prayers! Stay strong! I am sorry for all that you are going through!

 

[Danjocass]

I just wanted to drop a line and say I'm sorry for all that you are going through. My grandfather had Alzheimers and its a terrible disease. You are a wonderful person and I wish nothing but good things for you and you family.

 

[ksloane]

I'm so sorry. My grandmother ran an adult foster home for many years and had multiple Alzheimer's patients. I know how that life can be day to day and can't imagine what it's like when it's your parent. ((HUGS))