Am I too sensitive?

[Myothername]

I have had it. I am generally easy going, easy to get along with, nothing ruffles my feathers. But today…well I have had enough. I work in a small office, 6 of us in the office and the rest of the staff are in the field. The 6 of us eat lunch together pretty much every day and I consider us all friends. We joke around, are friends on Facebook together, share recipes, etc. Since this one girl started about 6 months ago and jobs and offices were kinda rearranged (not mine) to make it more convenient for the 3, things have just seemed different. 3 of the employees have the same job and work in the same room together. The other 3 of us each have our own offices, not our choice just different job duties force us to have separate offices. Well a few times the 3 that work together have gotten takeout for lunch and not asked me even though we all eat together and it has been standard practice that if we get takeout we all pretty much get takeout. We generally get takeout 2-3 days a week. It hurt my feelings and I did let them know that next time I wish they would let me know because I really wanted to get something to eat also. Well they did it again today. I happened to walk in to the room where we eat which is also where the copy machine is. I saw they had food and I asked where they got food from? Well it was from a really really good restaurant that I love. I said to the one girl who had placed the order that I wish she had told me they were getting something to eat and said you know where my office is (total of about 10 steps from her office). She said well you know where our office is too. Excuse me but the apparently placed their order an hour earlier, way early for lunch, how was I supposed to know? I didn’t say anything back.

If this had been the first or second time they had done this I would not think much about it but this happens at least once or twice a month. And several times a month I just happen to walk in when they are about to place a lunch order and am able to get my order in with theirs. Maybe I am being too sensitive but when you work in a small office and work hard to get along you don’t leave one person out.

 

[brockash]

Umm, yes you are being really sensitive and should not let something like this bother you. Not trying to be rude, but it is not someone else's job to go around to see what you're having for lunch and ask you if you'd like them to order something for you. You're an adult. If you want take-out from a place, nothing is stopping you from placing your order yourself. They're not your caretaker's.

It's great that you guys used to all do this, but obviously it isn't working any longer. It's really not a big deal. Pick up your phone and order take-out if you want it, but I don't think you have a right to be upset with them for not coming to you to ask if you wanted something. It's not their job and obviously not something they are wanting to do.

 

[Christine]

I have had it. I am generally easy going, easy to get along with, nothing ruffles my feathers. But today…well I have had enough. I work in a small office, 6 of us in the office and the rest of the staff are in the field. The 6 of us eat lunch together pretty much every day and I consider us all friends. We joke around, are friends on Facebook together, share recipes, etc. Since this one girl started about 6 months ago and jobs and offices were kinda rearranged (not mine) to make it more convenient for the 3, things have just seemed different. 3 of the employees have the same job and work in the same room together. The other 3 of us each have our own offices, not our choice just different job duties force us to have separate offices. Well a few times the 3 that work together have gotten takeout for lunch and not asked me even though we all eat together and it has been standard practice that if we get takeout we all pretty much get takeout. We generally get takeout 2-3 days a week. It hurt my feelings and I did let them know that next time I wish they would let me know because I really wanted to get something to eat also. Well they did it again today. I happened to walk in to the room where we eat which is also where the copy machine is. I saw they had food and I asked where they got food from? Well it was from a really really good restaurant that I love. I said to the one girl who had placed the order that I wish she had told me they were getting something to eat and said you know where my office is (total of about 10 steps from her office). She said well you know where our office is too. Excuse me but the apparently placed their order an hour earlier, way early for lunch, how was I supposed to know? I didn’t say anything back.

If this had been the first or second time they had done this I would not think much about it but this happens at least once or twice a month. And several times a month I just happen to walk in when they are about to place a lunch order and am able to get my order in with theirs. Maybe I am being too sensitive but when you work in a small office and work hard to get along you don’t leave one person out.

Okay, first it doesn't sound like it is one person being left out--it sounds like the three people who work in the one area are doing things on their own without the other three. You state that the six of you eat together. What do the other two in offices think about this.

Now, if there were only four of you in the office and the three were leaving just you out of things, I would feel hurt. Otherwise, this seems like a simple case of the group of three that sit in one room together are just developing more of camaraderie than the total six of you. Unfortunately, you can't control this type of behavior. It could be that this new girl is doing it because she doesn't have the "history" but who knows. You've said your peace and they didn't get the message. I find it's best, in these situations, to just let it go and realize that this will be the new normal.

I think making a bigger deal of it is going to cause even more devisiveness.

 

[OhMari]

Need a break from work?

Just asking a question, but do you ever ask if they want to order? Or do you take your turn picking up take out?

 

[Myothername]

No, there are actually 4 of them with the same job and 3 share office space. The 4th is our boss. They always ask her. They don't always ask me or my assistant. But when I initiate the lunch order I ALWAYS make sure everyone is included. I think it is just common courtesy. When you have done this for 5 years you get used to including everyone. Maybe it is just my good manners. I never leave anyone out. I am not going to say anything about it to anyone but I know if the tables were turned they would sure say something to me.

 

[ilovemk76]

You are being too sensitive. Pack your lunch and save some money.

You only seem to worry that you ate being left out and not the other two. Why can't the three of you place your own orders.

 

[Christine]

No, there are actually 4 of them with the same job and 3 share office space. The 4th is our boss. They always ask her. They don't always ask me or my assistant. But when I initiate the lunch order I ALWAYS make sure everyone is included. I think it is just common courtesy. When you have done this for 5 years you get used to including everyone. Maybe it is just my good manners. I never leave anyone out. I am not going to say anything about it to anyone but I know if the tables were turned they would sure say something to me.

I get what you are saying and understand. However, I don't think it serves any point anymore for you to continue to pursue this with them. You've made two mentions of it and they don't get it. In previous work lives, I've worked for one company for many, many years and the dynamics of interoffice friendships/lunch groups change over time with the addition of different people. Sometimes they get better and sometimes they totally crap out.

I think your "group" has undergone a change and it looks like the people that all sit together are going to be more of a contained lunch unit. I think you just better get used to it. You can push it but I think it will cause further strain.

 

[cornflake]

No, there are actually 4 of them with the same job and 3 share office space. The 4th is our boss. They always ask her. They don't always ask me or my assistant. But when I initiate the lunch order I ALWAYS make sure everyone is included. I think it is just common courtesy. When you have done this for 5 years you get used to including everyone. Maybe it is just my good manners. I never leave anyone out. I am not going to say anything about it to anyone but I know if the tables were turned they would sure say something to me.

How about just sending an email earlier than they'd order asking if anyone is planning on ordering takeout or asking if anyone wants to order takeout?

 

[lizabu]

I agree...you're being too sensitive. They aren't intentionally leaving you out. They just work together and it probably just seems natural to ask someone who's sitting right there if they want to order in too.

Tomorrow order your own lunch from that restaurant you like so much.

 

[cornflake]

I agree...you're being too sensitive. They aren't intentionally leaving you out. They just work together and it probably just seems natural to ask someone who's sitting right there if they want to order in too.

Tomorrow order your own lunch from that restaurant you like so much.

I dunno, after repeatedly asking if they'd please let her know and they keep not doing that and then replied with the 'you know where our office is' I think they may well be intentionally leaving her out.

I think it's possible they're not doing it intentionally; I think it's possible they're peeved that she doesn't initiate it and they are; I think it's possible they're just peeved and are for whatever reason.

Whichever though, I think trying to initiate ordering or asking before they order would be the most effective way to subvert what's going on.

 

[Mokat76]

So are all five others in on it and you're the only one excluded? Sounds kind of weird, like someone deliberately is stoking some cliquish behavior. Is there some resentment among the three who share a work area toward you who don't? Did two of them lose private offices when the new person got hired? You may have a right to have hurt feelings, but why not have a one-on-one talk with one of the other women--privately-- to find out why this is going on.

 

[Hrhpd]

Umm, yes you are being really sensitive and should not let something like this bother you. Not trying to be rude, but it is not someone else's job to go around to see what you're having for lunch and ask you if you'd like them to order something for you. You're an adult. If you want take-out from a place, nothing is stopping you from placing your order yourself. They're not your caretaker's.

It's great that you guys used to all do this, but obviously it isn't working any longer. It's really not a big deal. Pick up your phone and order take-out if you want it, but I don't think you have a right to be upset with them for not coming to you to ask if you wanted something. It's not their job and obviously not something they are wanting to do.

And I certainly would not have said anything to the group. As stated above, you are an adult and if you want takeout from the really nice restaurant, pick up your phone and order it.

 

[Myothername]

See our office used to be known within our larger company as a really great office, everyone was very close, good friends, vacationed together. It is not that way anymore. Management changes put that to an end. It is sad because I used to honestly be able to say I would go on vacation with anyone in our office. Now, not so much. I guess now it is just a job and that is sad.

And I do initiate lunch as much as anyone else but it seems when I do no one is interested so I let it go. I have decided I will probably just start eating outside the office alot more. We are supposed to do that anyway, company policy and all.

 

[luvmy3]

OP, what did you end up having for lunch?

 

[furb & dez]

Umm, yes you are being really sensitive and should not let something like this bother you. Not trying to be rude, but it is not someone else's job to go around to see what you're having for lunch and ask you if you'd like them to order something for you. You're an adult. If you want take-out from a place, nothing is stopping you from placing your order yourself. They're not your caretaker's.

It's great that you guys used to all do this, but obviously it isn't working any longer. It's really not a big deal. Pick up your phone and order take-out if you want it, but I don't think you have a right to be upset with them for not coming to you to ask if you wanted something. It's not their job and obviously not something they are wanting to do.

This is the answer. Do we have to bring up the BGP?

 

[NHdisneylover]

See our office used to be known within our larger company as a really great office, everyone was very close, good friends, vacationed together. It is not that way anymore. Management changes put that to an end. It is sad because I used to honestly be able to say I would go on vacation with anyone in our office. Now, not so much. I guess now it is just a job and that is sad.

And I do initiate lunch as much as anyone else but it seems when I do no one is interested so I let it go. I have decided I will probably just start eating outside the office alot more. We are supposed to do that anyway, company policy and all.

I guess I can see why you missed how it used to be--but in reality most people do not want to be that close with their co workers. Maybe you have been getting a bit clingy, so now that the new co-worker is there it was a good excuse for others to pull away and try to set up a more professional relationship. I think your expectations of what is "good manners" in the office are a bit out of touch with reality and truly it is perfectly acceptable for people to order lunch without asking you.

I do think it was too much to make an issue about the ordering on two separate occasions. If this was not intentional, you have now made yourself into a clingy/whiny person in their eyes which will only make them not want to eat with you in the future--and if they were intentionally pulling away you have just solidified their resolve.

 

[Myothername]

OP, what did you end up having for lunch?

I went shopping and brought back a sandwich and ate at my desk.

 

[Myothername]

I guess I can see why you missed how it used to be--but in reality most people do not want to be that close with their co workers. Maybe you have been getting a bit clingy, so now that the new co-worker is there it was a good excuse for others to pull away and try to set up a more professional relationship. I think your expectations of what is "good manners" in the office are a bit out of touch with reality and truly it is perfectly acceptable for people to order lunch without asking you.

I do think it was too much to make an issue about the ordering on two separate occasions. If this was not intentional, you have now made yourself into a clingy/whiny person in their eyes which will only make them not want to eat with you in the future--and if they were intentionally pulling away you have just solidified their resolve.

Actually others in the office are much more close but I don't think any are clingy. All I said to the one girl was I wish she would let me know and she got a little miffed but that is her personality. She always seems pissed about something. I don't have much interaction with her so it doesn't bother me. There are other things they do that makes me think they want their own little group and that is fine. I have never been good at that kind of thing and tend to just ignore it.

In the future I will start eating outside the office which is what they recommend we do anyway. It is just a shame because even corporate used to comment on what a fun office we were.

 

[cornflake]

Actually others in the office are much more close but I don't think any are clingy. All I said to the one girl was I wish she would let me know and she got a little miffed but that is her personality. She always seems pissed about something. I don't have much interaction with her so it doesn't bother me. There are other things they do that makes me think they want their own little group and that is fine. I have never been good at that kind of thing and tend to just ignore it.

In the future I will start eating outside the office which is what they recommend we do anyway. It is just a shame because even corporate used to comment on what a fun office we were.

I don't get it - why can't you order if you want to order? Why does it matter what they do - has nothing to do with what you want.

Or ask if they want to order, before they order.

Regardless, why does their ordering and not asking you end up with you eating outside??

 

[StephMK]

Well, maybe I'm sensitive too but I'd be hurt also. If you used to always order, they know you always order too, then it's deliberate behavior to leave you out. It is not that hard to ask a few people if they want in on an order before you call. And it's not always easy to place your own order if there is a minimum delivery amount.

I'm sorry things have changed, OP. Other than trying to directly ask if you ticked them off, I don't think you can do much more than you already have done.