What would you do?

[nepean]

DD is bringing BF with us this year. They are both in college and working PT. He makes more than I do. They do not have any student loans with scholarships and living at home. Since he is coming we have changed our hotel reservations from a one bedroom suite to 2 bedrooms. The additional cost is approx. $1000. We are driving down so there is no additional transporation costs. He is bringing his own spending money, paying for his Disney ticket and most meals. I will provide snacks, food on the road (cooler), breakfast is included in the room rate.

My question is should he be expected to contribute to the additional room cost or am I being cheap thinking he should. He is eating here at our home 40% of the time and seems to almost live here. His home family life stinks and he stays away as much as possible. His family do not treat my DD similarly for anything. They tend to be only interested in themselves. I do not want to be used (which I am sometimes feeling) but I do not want to be taken advantage of. He has never travelled even though his parents take at least two trips a year. And yes he most certainly has the cash available. He drives a brand new truck and eats out when he doesn't eat here.

Nepean

 

[kirstenb1]

I wouldn't ask for money. This is like when we invite one of dd's friends to the movies or out to dinner with us (of course a trip to WDW is on a much grander scale!!) You're very sweet to include him. If his home life really is icky, it makes this trip that much more of a treat.

 

[pearlieq]

I don't think asking him to contribute would have been out of line, given that his presence required you getting a bigger room, but that would have needed to be discussed when he first asked to be included.

I'm assuming that's all done and settled now and has been for a little while. With that being the case, I don't think you can go back and ask him to kick in. That ship has sailed for this trip, but something to keep in mind for next time.

 

[Darcy03231]

Did you invite him or did he invite himself? and, if he did invite himself how long have you known about the extra cost.

If you invited him you should pay - he's your guest.

If he invited himself I would have let him know the lodging cost as soon as I found out what it would be and ask him to pay the difference.

If you've known about this for a while, changed the reservation without saying anything and now months later are looking for reimbursement - I think its a bit late and you'll look cheap.

 

[DVCBELLE]

If you invtied him to go then I do not think you should expect him to pay any extra.

I personally think there is a lot to be said for including him as part of the family. Having him as a part of your family now will carry over into a marriage and they will always be close with you.

 

[Mrs. Charming]

I wouldn't ask. He's already paying for his ticket, some meals, etc, so that's an "A" in my book. If he offers to pay for his share, I'd probably decline anyway. If he offered more than three times, I'd say he could pay for some other thing like tolls, snacks, etc.

 

[Marionnette]

DD is bringing BF with us this year. They are both in college and working PT. He makes more than I do. They do not have any student loans with scholarships and living at home. Since he is coming we have changed our hotel reservations from a one bedroom suite to 2 bedrooms. The additional cost is approx. $1000. We are driving down so there is no additional transporation costs. He is bringing his own spending money, paying for his Disney ticket and most meals. I will provide snacks, food on the road (cooler), breakfast is included in the room rate.

My question is should he be expected to contribute to the additional room cost or am I being cheap thinking he should. He is eating here at our home 40% of the time and seems to almost live here. His home family life stinks and he stays away as much as possible. His family do not treat my DD similarly for anything. They tend to be only interested in themselves. I do not want to be used (which I am sometimes feeling) but I do not want to be taken advantage of. He has never travelled even though his parents take at least two trips a year. And yes he most certainly has the cash available. He drives a brand new truck and eats out when he doesn't eat here.

Nepean

Did you invite him on this trip? If so then you pay. Hes your guest. IMO, it doesnt matter if he has student loans, a brand new car or a better paying job than you have. If there were any expectations for him to foot the bill for anything more than his personal expenses (tickets and food) then it should have been discussed when the invitation was extended. It seems kind of unfair to spring it on the kid now.

BTW, I always find it interesting when people think they know how much cash someone else has available based soley on outward appearances.

 

[branv]

Did you invite him or did he invite himself? and, if he did invite himself how long have you known about the extra cost.

If you invited him you should pay - he's your guest.

If he invited himself I would have let him know the lodging cost as soon as I found out what it would be and ask him to pay the difference.

If you've known about this for a while, changed the reservation without saying anything and now months later are looking for reimbursement - I think its a bit late and you'll look cheap.

ITA

Of course, you could also be in the position that he didn't invite himself, you didn't invite him, but your daughter did without checking first. But even then, the responsibility was still on you to say something in the beginning. It's too late now. If you let this eat at you, it will just be biting off your own nose to spite your face. Chalk it up to lesson learned and enjoy your vacation

For the record, he may not knowingly be a sponge. I know even in my early 20's I was pretty clueless sometimes despite being on my own. He probably just doesn't even realize what he should be doing or offering in this situation, so it may help your irritation to look at it as him not knowing better rather than being deliberately self-involved.

 

[nepean]

"BTW, I always find it interesting when people think they know how much cash someone else has available based soley on outward appearances."

I actually do know exactly how much cash he has since I do the books for his home reno business. I see the bank statements each and every month and help him do his quotes. I do not charge him for my services even though this is my part time business.

Originally the deal was that he would install new hardwood flooring in the house with my DH help and he would come to Florida with us in return. Then his father told him to get paid since you "never know". He then came in with his helper and did the flooring and I paid him the full invoice as if I was any other client. We have discussed the trip several times and he was aware that we were going to change the hotel space since he was coming. I somehow feel that I am now paying twice. He definately did not give me a discount on the job he did. DD is upset with him since she sees him taking and taking and not reciprocating and sees his parents as always taking advantage if at all possible. DD always pays for snacks etc. and helps out on trips to her ability. I am just afraid that he is a free loader and it would be better if we all found out now.

 

[nepean]

"BTW, I always find it interesting when people think they know how much cash someone else has available based soley on outward appearances."

I actually do know exactly how much cash he has since I do the books for his home reno business. I see the bank statements each and every month and help him do his quotes. I do not charge him for my services even though this is my part time business.

Originally the deal was that he would install new hardwood flooring in the house with my DH help and he would come to Florida with us in return. Then his father told him to get paid since you "never know". He then came in with his helper and did the flooring and I paid him the full invoice as if I was any other client. We have discussed the trip several times and he was aware that we were going to change the hotel space since he was coming. I somehow feel that I am now paying twice. He definately did not give me a discount on the job he did. DD is upset with him since she sees him taking and taking and not reciprocating and sees his parents as always taking advantage if at all possible. DD always pays for snacks etc. and helps out on trips to her ability. Things have changed dramatically since the offer was first extended and he changed the rules. I am just worried that he is a free loader.

 

[DVCBELLE]

"BTW, I always find it interesting when people think they know how much cash someone else has available based soley on outward appearances."

I actually do know exactly how much cash he has since I do the books for his home reno business. I see the bank statements each and every month and help him do his quotes. I do not charge him for my services even though this is my part time business.

Originally the deal was that he would install new hardwood flooring in the house with my DH help and he would come to Florida with us in return. Then his father told him to get paid since you "never know". He then came in with his helper and did the flooring and I paid him the full invoice as if I was any other client. We have discussed the trip several times and he was aware that we were going to change the hotel space since he was coming. I somehow feel that I am now paying twice. He definately did not give me a discount on the job he did. DD is upset with him since she sees him taking and taking and not reciprocating and sees his parents as always taking advantage if at all possible. DD always pays for snacks etc. and helps out on trips to her ability. Things have changed dramatically since the offer was first extended and he changed the rules. I am just worried that he is a free loader.

In light of this information-

You all need to have a discussion.

I would start with charging him to keep his books. If he charged you for his service then you definitely need to start charging him. Tell him that his dad was right and that it is best that you protect yourself like he did for the flooring. Then discuss with him that the flooring was supposed to be for the trip and since he ended up charging you for the flooring - you will need to charge him for the trip.

 

[mjkacmom]

How many are going altogether? Do you still meet the occupany limit in a 1 bedroom? Where is he sleeping?

 

[beansmom]

i think i would also be inclined to say 'btw, 'joe'...we had to get a second room and that cost XXX...you want to just pay your portion when we check in??'

MY DD just 'invited' us to take her bf along on our March trip. I told her that we'd pay her way down and buy her ticket but that he has to pay his own way. He can room with us but that's it.

 

[Ciao Mickey]

"BTW, I always find it interesting when people think they know how much cash someone else has available based soley on outward appearances."

I actually do know exactly how much cash he has since I do the books for his home reno business. I see the bank statements each and every month and help him do his quotes. I do not charge him for my services even though this is my part time business.

Originally the deal was that he would install new hardwood flooring in the house with my DH help and he would come to Florida with us in return. Then his father told him to get paid since you "never know". He then came in with his helper and did the flooring and I paid him the full invoice as if I was any other client. We have discussed the trip several times and he was aware that we were going to change the hotel space since he was coming. I somehow feel that I am now paying twice. He definately did not give me a discount on the job he did. DD is upset with him since she sees him taking and taking and not reciprocating and sees his parents as always taking advantage if at all possible. DD always pays for snacks etc. and helps out on trips to her ability. Things have changed dramatically since the offer was first extended and he changed the rules. I am just worried that he is a free loader.

He sounds like a freeloader or, at the very least, a taker. You need to have a talk with your daughter and I would tell her to *lose* this guy.

I can't believe he charged you full price to do the job...

 

[hffmnheidi]

Absolutely draw the line between family and profession starting now, before he may become one of the family and that's opening a whole can of worms down the road because 'you never know'.

If you are doing a job like keeping his books or helping with rate quotes, let him know as of the 1st of 2011-what your fee rates will be per job, per quotes, managing the books, ect... Then he can chose to pay you or find someone else. Don't be taken advantage of in a professional capacity! Don't let him weasel you into giving your services for free anymore if he whines and cries. If he has a business, he is certainly prepared to pay his help for their services.

You should start and maintain a client/employer relationship so if he is not dating your daughter at a later time/down the road, you keep things on a professional basis.

This trip seems like a wash, but if there is another trip down the road, be prepared in presenting him what his portion will be with the costs broken down on a spread sheet and give him plenty of time to save/pay the money. If he chooses not to pay, he doesn't go. Very sweet and simple.

 

[QVCshopper]

I'm going to offer a different viewpoint. I don't know the BF, but I think some of the ideas (like the flooring job) are coming from his father. So, try to figure out what's from the BF and what's from his family; they often blend together. He doesn't sound bad, but I think you should charge for your bookkeeping services. Also, I would not ask for more money for this trip. What does your daughter think about his family? Just wondering it that's the issue.

 

[nepean]

The one bedroom has one bed and a sleeper sofa, which my DD would have slept on. He is 6'3" and won't fit. Therefore, two bedrooms are needed. That will also give everyone some space.

He did charge me full invoice but he did do some extras that normally are charged for, so I saved a bit. He is just starting out on his own and doing very well thanks to my referrals which in turn got him more referrals. He does excellent work, presents well and is honest with the clients about costs. I often think that his self centered parents never taught him anything and I feel sorry for him. When he has been told how to do something or how to behave he takes note and has improved greatly. He started going to church with us last spring (he said to hear DD play) but now he goes all the time whether she plays or not. He has volunteered at the church and has clearly made friends. He told me he learns something new every week from someone at church. He seems surprised that people are supportive of him and interested in him. His mother is also a taker. She invited herself on a out of town day shopping trip and did not contribute to the tolls, gas, lunch or anything. In fact she would get herself a water or drink and not even ask if DD or I wanted anything. Upon arriving home at 7:30 pm. she got out of the car and told her DS that she was hungry and they were going out for supper. Needless to say DD and I were not invited. I realize that his parents are the example he has learned from but we don't act like that. DD would never go to their cottage for the day or weekend and not bring something. In fact they tell her what to bring. Since she bakes they actually order the type of pie they want. The same thing happened at Thanksgiving. They invited her to dinner and told her to bring lemon pie. I am happy that she knows to contribute but it should be a two way street.

The whole problem with this is that I like the guy. He is good to DD and when you point out to him something he should be doing or ask him to do something he is quick to react. But, on the other hand I do not want to be used and taken advantage of. I think I am going to speak to him and explain that he should contribute to the accomodations since I did pay for the flooring and originally I was to pay for the trip in full. He needs to learn that if you change the agreement there can be changes on the other side. DD feels that he should help pay. I think she is concerned that he is taking us for granted. Her friends have always hung out here and know that they are always welcome. But, they tend to show up with chips, drinks and always clean up their mess. They all share in the cost of their get togethers. He has seen this but still doesn't get the message. He may just be oblivious or he could be a taker.

Nepean

 

[Douglas Bray]

A few years ago our family took a trip to Disneyworld and we did end up taking a freind of our daughters with us and it ment that we had to get two rooms at the Pop Century instead of one. Right off the top I made sure to let her parents know that the cost for her to come was 50 % of a room charge and her park tickets (went during Free Dining so almost no food cost).
This worked well as the girls had one room and my wife and I where in the second room with our 3 year old son.

If your deal was he would do your floor and get a trip for free, then he charged you for the floor, then if he still want's to go on the trip he needs to pay you the amount that you paid for the floor.

You also need to charge a fee for the services that you provide for him in doing his books as this would cost him if anybody else was to do them.

 

[nepean]

DD does not like his family. She is polite and they probably have no idea what she thinks. On the other hand from what I have seen they probably don't care. She attends family functions brings a card or small gift to birthdays (no one else does) and offers to help in the kitchen or whatever needs to be done. Spent one weekend at the cottage cutting 2 acres of grass, piling a large amount of wood and cleaning. She said she wasn't going again since the parents sat and drank wine and watched her and BF do the work. She joking referrs to him as the family slave. Older brother left home at 18 and younger sister drinks and parties and is never home.

You are right in that most of the problems stem from his family and he hasn't sorted out what is him and what is their opinions. But, he needs to start stepping up. He did refer this month when I showed him his financials that he would soon be making enough that he would have to start paying me. I told him that he would soon be making alot more than me since I am semi-retired. I enjoy helping him get established but I am starting to feel uneasy.
Maybe I am just stressing and he is the one getting my attention.

Nepean

 

[QVCshopper]

You are right in that most of the problems stem from his family and he hasn't sorted out what is him and what is their opinions. But, he needs to start stepping up. He did refer this month when I showed him his financials that he would soon be making enough that he would have to start paying me. I told him that he would soon be making alot more than me since I am semi-retired. I enjoy helping him get established but I am starting to feel uneasy.
Maybe I am just stressing and he is the one getting my attention.

Nepean

That's what I figured. I think he needs someone to show him the right way to act. So, maybe that's you. He's young, and parents really can set their ways on their kids, whether or not it's right. I came from a similar background. Anyway, best of luck and enjoy your trip!