What would you do?

[Cruise]

It seems that your daughter thinks he should be paying part of his way. And, if they're in college, it sounds like they're both technically adults. Why isn't she the one asking him to pony up some money? I can understand why it might make her uncomfortable, but that's real life and it's very unfair of her to ask you to be the "bad guy" by asking for the money when she obviously feels like he should be contributing as well.

I know it's not as cut and dry as saying it, but honestly, if he wants to break up with her over it, then he probably isn't worth keeping. Just my $.02

 

[carebee21]

In my opinion you should eat the cost. This should have been discussed and planned out once he asked for payment for the floor. I think it's unacceptable to ask for $1000 3 weeks prior to the trip, especially right around Christmas. You may see his books and have a general idea of what he makes, but you probably do not know about all of his debt or bills; For all you know, he helps his family out with large amounts of money monthly, or maybe he's setting money aside for a ring, wedding or house down the road for your daughter. Even if he does just have the money lying around, this really should have been discussed earlier.

Plus, if he had been told the cost sooner, he may have decided he wanted his own room or he wanted to stay at a value or moderate resort. He had no say in the room type, resort, etc. All of that was decided for him. I just remember when my DH and I were that age. If we had to fork over the money ourselves, we most certainly would not have stayed in the same room as my parents, when we could get our own room. So I think it's unfair to pick everything out for him and then spring the bill on him when he has no recourse this close to leaving to change to a different room or price range.

I would use this as your learning lesson for future trips with your daughter and her boyfriend/husband/family etc.

 

[branv]

Your added information definitely changes the game. He sounds like a good guy who is benefiting from the positive influence and life-tutoring your family is giving him. But he's fighting years of bad habits, so it takes a while.

Personally, I would sit him down and say, "I want to talk to you about a situation that is making me feel uncomfortable. When we agreed to take you on the trip with us, you and I had an agreement that we would assume the added cost of another room to accomodate you in exchange for you doing our flooring. However, you instead opted to invoice us for that work, and therefore I don't think we should still be expected to cover the cost of your lodging. We are very excited about you joining us, but I think we can agree that the fair thing is for you to be responsible for the cost of your room."

From what you said about him, I'm sure he'll come around. Out of embarrassment, he may at first sputter or pout, but I bet he will understand eventually.

 

[Princess Nancy]

Your added information definitely changes the game. He sounds like a good guy who is benefiting from the positive influence and life-tutoring your family is giving him. But he's fighting years of bad habits, so it takes a while.

Personally, I would sit him down and say, "I want to talk to you about a situation that is making me feel uncomfortable. When we agreed to take you on the trip with us, you and I had an agreement that we would assume the added cost of another room to accomodate you in exchange for you doing our flooring. However, you instead opted to invoice us for that work, and therefore I don't think we should still be expected to cover the cost of your lodging. We are very excited about you joining us, but I think we can agree that the fair thing is for you to be responsible for the cost of your room."

From what you said about him, I'm sure he'll come around. Out of embarrassment, he may at first sputter or pout, but I bet he will understand eventually.

Well put!!! I say do this! I would address the trip and address the payment for your services on his books at another time.

 

[mjkacmom]

In my opinion you should eat the cost. This should have been discussed and planned out once he asked for payment for the floor. I think it's unacceptable to ask for $1000 3 weeks prior to the trip, especially right around Christmas. You may see his books and have a general idea of what he makes, but you probably do not know about all of his debt or bills; For all you know, he helps his family out with large amounts of money monthly, or maybe he's setting money aside for a ring, wedding or house down the road for your daughter. Even if he does just have the money lying around, this really should have been discussed earlier.

Plus, if he had been told the cost sooner, he may have decided he wanted his own room or he wanted to stay at a value or moderate resort. He had no say in the room type, resort, etc. All of that was decided for him. I just remember when my DH and I were that age. If we had to fork over the money ourselves, we most certainly would not have stayed in the same room as my parents, when we could get our own room. So I think it's unfair to pick everything out for him and then spring the bill on him when he has no recourse this close to leaving to change to a different room or price range.

I would use this as your learning lesson for future trips with your daughter and her boyfriend/husband/family etc.

Put me here, too. Does he have the option of an air mattress on the floor? How much are you going to charge him for the bedroom? He very well might prefer his own room. It sounds like you are resentful of his family, but all families are different. I'm in my 40's, and there is no way my parents would let us pay if we went out to dinner. I remember attending my sister's out of town college graduation with DH, when we were still dating. My parents paid for our hotel room.

 

[nepean]

Well I did it. We had our monthly meeting to review the books and after we finished I told him that there were some other things we needed to discuss. I told him that I was beginning to feel a little uncomfortable and wondering if I was being taken advantage of or that he was just not aware of the costs associated with him almost living here (40% of the time), the cost of the trip etc. He told me he also was uncomfortable and did not know how to contribute. He knows that we have been helping him out much more than just a BF and he really appreciates it. He told me that this past year plus has shown him that people actually do care about others and help them. He said that he was uncomfortable offfering me money for doing his books, or contributing to groceries or even offering to pay for lunch after church since DH always has the money out in a blink of an eye. He said his dad just ignores the bill until someone picks it up or if that doesn't work he pays it. His parents are not broke and own a nicer house than we do plus a beautiful cottage. He said he was planning to help pay for some meals, gas etc on the trip but he was worried about it since DH always has his money ready so fast. He then said he was trying to figure out how to help pay some of the added costs. I told him that I had offered the trip in lieu of the floor installation but that since I had paid for that the trip was like I was paying again. DH and I have decided that we will ask him for half of the cost of the additional room since DD will stay in there also.

Regarding my doing his books he said that he was planning to pay for my services as soon as things got a little better. He brought that up not me. I then told him that would be soon since he was making as much as many married men in our area. That actually shocked him. He is paying down his truck quickly and it will be paid for in less than two years from purchase.

It is actually funny now but I think that he was worried about it and did not know how to approach me. DD is now aware of the conversation and they have talked. She fully intends to nudge him when he thinks it is his turn to contribute. In our family finances are a family affair and everyone contributes to their ability.

Now if only the weather would warm up in Orlando I would be totally happy.

Nepean

 

[DawnM]

He sounds like a keeper and I am glad you were able to talk to him.

 

[snowywhite89]

He sounds like a keeper and I am glad you were able to talk to him.

I second this.

 

[MissUndastood]

He sounds like a keeper and I am glad you were able to talk to him.

He does. Sounds like with just a little guidance, he will know what to do.

 

[Princess Nancy]

Yeah! Enjoy your trip!!

How wonderful when everyone is mature and can discuss things reasonably!

 

[nepean]

To bring this story to an end, BF arrived for dinner with DD after classes today. I was downstairs in my office and he came down to see me. He pulled out his wallet and handed me $500 for the room. He told me he would give me the rest before we left. I told him that DH and I had discussed the additional cost and we were more than satisfied with$500 since we knew DD would be in the room with him. He smiled sheepishly and said he hoped so but didn't know how we would feel about that. He told me that he appreciated that I had been up front with him and that he didn't always know how to react to things since no one at home ever tells him anything. I told him I would be happy to slap him on the back of the head regularly if necessary to keep him in line. He went back upstairs laughing and yelled down that supper smelled ready and that he was super hungry. I am happy that I did confront him and not let this build up inside. Now I don't head off to the world wondering if DD BF is a taker.

Thanks for all the support and advice. This isn't something to discuss with close friends because they will never forget it and may end up with the wrong opinion of him.

Nepean

 

[nancygirl1]

Good for you for acting like an adult through this whole thing. Also, for giving him the opportunity to step up and take responsibility for himself and his actions. Your family is an example to this young man on how healthy families live and work with one another. You and your family have made a lasting and life long impact on his life. Whether he realizes it or not, his life has been forever changed (for the best) because of your love and guidance.

 

[Cruise]

Thanks for all the support and advice. This isn't something to discuss with close friends because they will never forget it and may end up with the wrong opinion of him.

Nepean

I'm glad it all worked out in the end and everyone is happy with the outcome.

And you're absolutely right about there being some things that are just better to ask strangers about. To this day, my sister knows there's things I don't tell her about my husband cause we both know she'd end up hitting him in the back of the head every time she saw him if I did.

 

[ajk912]

Did you invite him or did he invite himself? and, if he did invite himself how long have you known about the extra cost.

If you invited him you should pay - he's your guest.

If he invited himself I would have let him know the lodging cost as soon as I found out what it would be and ask him to pay the difference.

If you've known about this for a while, changed the reservation without saying anything and now months later are looking for reimbursement - I think its a bit late and you'll look cheap.

I agree with everything posted here.

 

[leadfootlevi]

And you're absolutely right about there being some things that are just better to ask strangers about. To this day, my sister knows there's things I don't tell her about my husband cause we both know she'd end up hitting him in the back of the head every time she saw him if I did.

I can't agree with this more. This is a hard lesson to learn and I learned it the hard way. It's one piece of advice that I give out to anyone who will listen.

 

[dallastxcpa]

Wonderful that everything worked out and now you can enjoy your vacation. This young man sounds like he may make a great son-in-law some day.

 

[mom to minnie&mickey]

"BTW, I always find it interesting when people think they know how much cash someone else has available based soley on outward appearances."

I actually do know exactly how much cash he has since I do the books for his home reno business. I see the bank statements each and every month and help him do his quotes. I do not charge him for my services even though this is my part time business.

Originally the deal was that he would install new hardwood flooring in the house with my DH help and he would come to Florida with us in return. Then his father told him to get paid since you "never know". He then came in with his helper and did the flooring and I paid him the full invoice as if I was any other client. We have discussed the trip several times and he was aware that we were going to change the hotel space since he was coming. I somehow feel that I am now paying twice. He definately did not give me a discount on the job he did. DD is upset with him since she sees him taking and taking and not reciprocating and sees his parents as always taking advantage if at all possible. DD always pays for snacks etc. and helps out on trips to her ability. I am just afraid that he is a free loader and it would be better if we all found out now.

Do not be "afraid" that he is a free loader, be "sure" he is one. Sorry, but what is the matter with you? This is not a struggling student. You do his books for free (even though you get paid by other clients) and yet you had to pay him full price no discount for the work he did for you. Sounds like he has more than enough money to pay you for your services AND Disney. If the deal was as you say, then yes you would be paying twice. Also, stop giving so much to him as I am sure your dd gets nothing in return from his side. You claim he is in a bad situation with his own family and he stays with you a lot but when his father spoke to him about payment he listened to him and did not care about breaking his deal with your family. If it were me all freebies would stop ASAP. Next time he comes over (if he's not there right now) tell him you got an unexpected bill (repair of something, pay cut, anything) and you will not be able to pay the extra on the hotel (and sound sad about it). If he offers to pay then great, if not and he does not go to WDW then he was only using you all along.
I have been in many situations where I gave and others took endlessly. Even though I felt that is what they were doing I did not speak up and found out that when the "gravy train" was stopped by me so did their friendship.

 

[mom to minnie&mickey]

Do not be "afraid" that he is a free loader, be "sure" he is one. Sorry, but what is the matter with you? This is not a struggling student. You do his books for free (even though you get paid by other clients) and yet you had to pay him full price no discount for the work he did for you. Sounds like he has more than enough money to pay you for your services AND Disney. If the deal was as you say, then yes you would be paying twice. Also, stop giving so much to him as I am sure your dd gets nothing in return from his side. You claim he is in a bad situation with his own family and he stays with you a lot but when his father spoke to him about payment he listened to him and did not care about breaking his deal with your family. If it were me all freebies would stop ASAP. Next time he comes over (if he's not there right now) tell him you got an unexpected bill (repair of something, pay cut, anything) and you will not be able to pay the extra on the hotel (and sound sad about it). If he offers to pay then great, if not and he does not go to WDW then he was only using you all along.
I have been in many situations where I gave and others took endlessly. Even though I felt that is what they were doing I did not speak up and found out that when the "gravy train" was stopped by me so did their friendship.

Sorry, just read your ending. Glad everything turned out fine but I would keep my eye on him and his family anyways. Have a magical vacation.