Wedding invite and $

[TRICKY_TINK]

If it were me and I was close the the couple I would buy something funny like ****y tassels, pecker pasta or really anything from Spencer's gifts and write out a nice and funny poem to them about the great ball n chain, or how money is what couples fight over so you thought you'd save them an argument, or about how you took the "we have everything" as a challenge and you bet they didn't have this! I would do up a simple scrapbook type card. When I got married every card sounded the same blah blah blah together forever blah blah blah true love blah blah blah happiness. It was boring and honesty I stopped reading them after about 20 cards. I did however find one from a friend that was hilarious it was a store bought but at least it was funny! good luck!

 

[derocas]

This discussion is very interesting.

Since I'm from the "cover your plate" area I'm just curious to know what people wear to weddings in other regions?

The NY/NJ/CT areas usually wear formal attaire. Men weare suits and women wear formal dresses. Is that the same in other areas?

I never heard of dollar dances. I'm not sure if it's an Italian thing since all of my family is Italian and I haven't seen it at one wedding...yet. I did see a movie Made of Honor and the Scottish people danced for money at pubs the night before the wedding. I think it sounds like a cute custom. My sister in law is Scottish and she didn't do that but she did have bagpipers at the ceremony.

Every wedding that I've attended have announced the bride/groom, even the last wedding that I've attended which was actually a "commitment ceremony."
Some couples do the garter thing some don't so far I'd say that's been about 50/50.

Food for a funeral is done at the person's house or most of the time after a funeral everyone goes to a restaurant. I think this really varies based on religious and ethnic customs. I know that Jewish people have what's called a Shevah (I know I'm spelling it wrong) but what I think happens is that after a death people drop food off at the family's house for the following week since they are not allowed to leave the home.

 

[toesmom]

My DH and I were invited to an afternoon wedding(2pm). In the invitation there is a poem about how they have all they need in their home, but money would be great. More elegantly worded but thats the jist..it says the amount doesn't matter..etc..

They couple getting married are younger, in their 20's, so its not like this is a second marriage or third, etc..

I don't know what to do. My DH has been unemployed for a year, I make an a so so salary but I really can only spend like $25 on the wedding gift as I am the sole breadwinner and we have a toddler, medical expenses about to come up, etc. I am a savvy shopper and probably could get something worth more than $25, for around that amount, but it doesn't seem to be what they want.

What would you all do? I was kinda shocked when I got the invite and I know I cannont ask the family for ideas without being looked down upon...

Just check the box that says "cannot attend" and wish them well.

 

[DVCAKV2007]

OP: I know how you feel. I would just do what you are most comfortable with or not go, if you aren't that close with the people.

I am in a similar situation. DH's newphew is getting married next month (they are only 7 years apart as DH is the youngest of all his siblings). We are not going as it is in the midwest and we are just coming back from a trip a few days before (we didn't know about the wedding until a week after we booked the other trip). ANYWAYS, last month I get an "invitation" in the mail...if you want to call it that. It was stating that they weren't have a traditional bridal shower for his financee since they out west and can't come. However their "apartment needs updating" and they asked everyone to send a shower gift from their registry. There isn't a set shower or party or date. Just send a gift. They even asked for it to be sent by a specific date. I couldn't believe it. I was flabbergasted and felt it was very tacky. (BTW, the invite was sent by one of the bridesmaids). We plan on sending a wedding gift (not $$$) since we are not attending the wedding.

 

[lspst8]

As far as the dollar dance goes, did you ever stop to think that sometimes that maybe the ONLY time that the bride and groom can TRULY interact with the guest?!? I think they get at least 30 seconds to dance...depending on how long the line is..to talk, say congrats, and what not. It's not tacky and it's actually alot of fun!!! And..one more thing...it's not just an "ethnic thing". I'm a banquet server and I've seen many of those at my hotel and it's one of the best hotels in my city!!

I wasn't saying enthic to make it sound bad in any way at all ..... the dollar dance just happens a lot in my area (Western PA), and it is mostly with people of Italian and Polish heritage. My family is German, Swedish, and Irish, and I can't remember any family weddings that included a dollar dance. I've paid the dollar to dance with the bride before, but if I were having a bigger wedding, I personally would not include it in the reception. I know at some weddings, you even get a shot of alcohol after you pay your money and do your 30 second dance with the bride!

Here in Pittsburgh we also have big trays of cookies at the wedding receptions ..... like thousands of cookies for the guests to nibble on and take home with them. People expect the cookies and are somewhat annoyed if the bride and groom don't have them. Some reception facilities take advantage of this and charge an extra "plating fee" or "display fee" for the cookie tables, even if you do all the work yourself. Even with my 12 people wedding coming up in August, I plan on baking a bunch of cookies to use as favors. I love to bake so I'm actually really looking forward to it.

 

[pearlieq]

Just check the box that says "cannot attend" and wish them well.

Amen! Tackiness and gall like that don't need to be rewarded.

As for regional differences, I still think there's a basic standard of etiquette to be met. "Cover your plate" doesn't hurt anyone--do it, don't do it, who cares? Cake & Punch/church basement dry receptions don't hurt anyone. Do as you wish.

Other things that are written off to regional differences like cash bars, dollar dances, showers for second babies, etc. violate basic rules of etiquette. As much as anyone wants to write them off as just a cultural difference, I don't think I could ever come to believe they aren't inappropriate.

Just because something is the norm doesn't mean it's OK. I realize this is hyperbole, but what if you went to a wedding in a region where it was the accepted custom for the bride to strip at the reception? Wouldn't you still be horrified?

 

[Avonlady1001]

It was stating that they weren't have a traditional bridal shower for his financee since they out west and can't come. However their "apartment needs updating" and they asked everyone to send a shower gift from their registry. There isn't a set shower or party or date. Just send a gift. They even asked for it to be sent by a specific date.

Wow. Just wow. I've never heard of anyone doing this!! That's even worse than asking for money for your wedding. Just send gifts. Wonder if that would work for other occasions.

For example, if I send an announcement to the tune of: My house if falling apart...please send donations to.... LOLOL

 

[Bill and Jen]

Other things that are written off to regional differences like cash bars...As much as anyone wants to write them off as just a cultural difference, I don't think I could ever come to believe they aren't inappropriate.

Just because something is the norm doesn't mean it's OK. I realize this is hyperbole, but what if you went to a wedding in a region where it was the accepted custom for the bride to strip at the reception? Wouldn't you still be horrified?

Are you really saying having a cash bar at a wedding is tacky and inappropriate?

 

[derocas]

My friend who is originally from NJ moved to Florida. She was getting remarried and had a wedding on the beach. She invited people to join her for dinner at the restaurant next to the beach. She only paid for the cake. She asked everyone to pay for their own meal. I didn't attend the wedding because my children were in school and we weren't able to travel at the time so it wasn't an issue for me.
After reading this board, I'm wondering if majority of people would have thought that her actions were ok. I thought it was inappropriate, but that's jmho.

 

[pearlieq]

Are you really saying having a cash bar at a wedding is tacky and inappropriate?

Yes, I personally believe so. While I've been told it's a regional custom, I don't think it's appropriate to invite guests to an event and ask them to pay for anything. I believe a host should provide whatever is within their budget equally to all.

That being said, I don't think anyone's going to change their mind about it, and I'm not interested in debating it. If I am ever presented with a cash bar, I will handle it as I see fit, and I assume others will do the same.

 

[chicagodisneyfan]

Are you really saying having a cash bar at a wedding is tacky and inappropriate?

Yes!! Tacky and ignorant to have a cash bar.

Do you often invite friends and family to an event and make them pay for drinks?

 

[Bill and Jen]

Yes!! Tacky and ignorant to have a cash bar.

Do you often invite friends and family to an event and make them pay for drinks?

I invite family and friends over all summer for events at my house and I do not stock my house to provide beer, wine, and booze for everyone. It is tacky to me if family and friends come over to parties empty handed.

Are you telling me you stock a full bar at home so you can make any drink a guest at your house desires? If so Good for you!

In fact if I am invited over a freinds house I always bring a bottle of wine, and enough beer for us and those who invited us. (Or wine or ingrediants for mixed drinks, all depending on the mix of people and thier tastes)

Too funny how this has swung from greedy brides and grooms all the way over to greedy guests.


P.S. Your use of the word ignorant shows your ignorance of the definition of the word!

 

[KelleyD]

I am at work and this thread is giving me a laugh! Just making me smile at what everyone has to say...

Yes I am from NJ...the northern folk would say south jersey, the south jersey folk would say north jersey so I stick with central jersey - the shore. We are still in the "cover your plate" mode. For me that means usually a minimum of $75 - $125 solo and $200 - $300 (depending on the relation) for duo. I would say I make the median income, when times are tight its the lower number, if i have it to spare its a higher number....I don't think I have ever given a gift at a wedding.

My step mother - from Idaho, went to a wedding of a friend last year, I have to say, I was in shock when she told me she got them a gift. Seriously I felt bad after when I said you got them what???? but really I have never ever heard of a gift at a wedding...registries are for showers. period. And she has lived here over 30 years....maybe she forgot

So here: 2pm wedding is a full blown wedding, just a little cheaper for the bride, plus if she planned late it was the only date open at the reception place she wanted!

I think I may have seen the dollar dance once and yes I think it was tacky. The bride and groom are to make an appearance at every table, and are supposed to have a small conversation with every guest - or at least a thanks for coming....am I wrong here? At least every wedding I have been to...pretty much means very limited eating time for the bride and groom but he usually is drinking and she needs to be able to fit in the dress

I don't think I have ever been to a cash bar...I don't think I would take offense to it....would just think they couldn't afford it. BUT a cash bar is a big reason for going....other then the happy couple thing...

First non NJ/NY wedding I ever went to was in college in Indiana...it was for a woman who was the sister of my boyfriends friend....HUH? Anyway I said I have no gif/nothing to wear. Don't worry its in a barn/restaurant and you don't need a gift and most people will just wear jeans....well he was wrong, alot had pants but the rest was pretty much right on...had a great time!

Never been to a cake/appetizer/ whatever else they have, but thinking about if some of you give $30 for cake, then we in nj are right on target for $200 for a full dinner and drinks!!!

 

[pearlieq]

After reading this board, I'm wondering if majority of people would have thought that her actions were ok. I thought it was inappropriate, but that's jmho.

Gah! That's horrible!!!

Who would do something like that? And who would think it was OK?

Though, having hung around the DIS long enough, I know there's SOMEONE out there who does!

 

[mrsklamc]

Wow. Just wow. I've never heard of anyone doing this!! That's even worse than asking for money for your wedding. Just send gifts. Wonder if that would work for other occasions.

For example, if I send an announcement to the tune of: My house if falling apart...please send donations to.... LOLOL

Yup. That announcement makes it sound like marriage doesn't matter at all...they've just been shacking up long enough to need new stuff so they thought they'd throw a wedding as a gift grab.

 

[Ishy]

Go to garage sales, thru your own attic, or to micheals or AC moores - find a pretty treasure box (I spring for photo box's) - or make one... put some love into the creation - then take your 25$ and put it to the gold dollar coins - mix it with some silver kisses 2.49 -- if there is someone else or two willing to do this - to give a treasure chest of silver and gold --- it makes a spectacular gift. there must be someone in the family going thru hard times too --- i love the wooden photo boxes from micheals and with a 40% off it comes out under 10$ extra. but the cardboard ones are 2 bucks and just as nice and dont need anything other then a bow.

 

[DVCAKV2007]

Yup. That announcement makes it sound like marriage doesn't matter at all...they've just been shacking up long enough to need new stuff so they thought they'd throw a wedding as a gift grab.

At least it isn't just me who thought that! But I know my MIL is going to flip when she finds out we didn't send anything.

 

[StitchandPooh'sMom]

Wow. Just wow. I've never heard of anyone doing this!! That's even worse than asking for money for your wedding. Just send gifts. Wonder if that would work for other occasions.

For example, if I send an announcement to the tune of: My house if falling apart...please send donations to.... LOLOL

I'm planning a Disney trip for next year, and my change jar is looking a little empty. Please send gift cards.

 

[StitchandPooh'sMom]

Go to garage sales, thru your own attic, or to micheals or AC moores - find a pretty treasure box (I spring for photo box's) - or make one... put some love into the creation - then take your 25$ and put it to the gold dollar coins - mix it with some silver kisses 2.49 -- if there is someone else or two willing to do this - to give a treasure chest of silver and gold --- it makes a spectacular gift. there must be someone in the family going thru hard times too --- i love the wooden photo boxes from micheals and with a 40% off it comes out under 10$ extra. but the cardboard ones are 2 bucks and just as nice and dont need anything other then a bow.

Aww - I like this idea! But I also like the mint coin set (have to remember that for new babies, especially) and the framed invitation.

 

[NotUrsula]

There's a minimum I give (I'm guessing most people here have one), regardless of the venue (but again, there are NO yard weddings here).

Oh, I'll bet that there are -- you just don't know anyone who would do it or has done it. It's outside of your experience, but that doesn't mean that it is outside the realm of the possible unless it's illegal.

My family has been involved with the wedding industry for quite a long time in several different capacities. Trust me, people can and do come up with lots of non-traditional ways to celebrate the occasion, no matter where they are.

For the OP, if you have time but not money, something with personal meaning is very appropriate; anything from a nicely set up book of Grandma's best recipes to a framed invitation.