WWYD talking wit 8 year old about sick parent?

[jrw118]

I typically post on this board : mods if this is in the wrong place sorry
Although this is not budget related I have come to count on many of you for your advice. . Please don't flame me as this is a real situation and I am looking for some outside opinions.
In late October 2010 at 36 yrs old, I was diagnosed basically by accident with rectal cancer, at the time stage 3a. I have had chemo, radiation with chemo, and more chemo. I also have had 4 surgeries since. 4/2011. The last 2 surgeries 5/2012 and 6/2013 were not cancer related and were to fix adhesions and scars left behind. I have been cancer free since the first surgery and my treatments were considered a success. It has been discovered that i do however have Lynch Symdrome, which is essentially a gene that causes colon, rectal, kidney, bladder, and all gynecological cancers ( had total hysterectomy with first surgery). I am under constant surveillance so if I do get cancer again most likely they will find it early.
When I was diagnosed my boys were just 5 & 2 they have been through alot. This last surgery has been a dooseye. I have been hospitalized 3 different times with complications, this last one on 7/2 being super scary. I had an abcess burst in my bowel causing a systemic infection. I was in the hospital for 8 days with several talks of ICU. My Doctor is @ Sloan Kettering in NYC so when he says ICU it is very scary. I have NEVER been that sick before EVER!
Thisnmorning by now 8 year old woke up inconsolable. Hysterical crying saying that he dreamed I went back to the hospital and died. I do not know what to tell him???? I feel much better. I held him both of us crying. Telling him I am here and better and not to worry. I do not truly know what he understands about death but both of my parents are deceased so I know he has some understanding.
My question is what would you do? Have I done enough? The thought of him crying for me is killing me. I don't want him to be scared. Thanks in advance.

 

[teedisney]

Very sad for your son. I would ask him what he knows and decide what he understands. I have a 9yo and they understand a lot but misinterpret a lot as well. If he saw you really ill and saw someone else really ill and died then he is making an association. I would also limit tv, games etc that may have some morbidity. Even the Disney ones because a parent dies in a lot of them! Hugs to you and keep hugging him.

 

[MichiganKris]

I would ask your Dr or the hospital to recommend a social worker or therapist for your family to talk to. You've all been through a lot and I think this would be a good thing for you.

 

[mrsabbott]

This just breaks my heart for you and your son!

I would just continue to reassure him that you are feeling much better and that you love him very much. I don't know if you are a person of faith or not, so how I would probably handle this with my kids might be different then you would. I do think that getting some counseling might help. 8 is so young and yet, it isn't.. My oldest is 8 and while she is still my little girl, I'm often amazed at how much she understands and grasps some very grown up concepts.

I am so thankful that your cancer treatment was successful and will pray that it does not EVER come back!

 

[DVCJones]

Aww, hugs to you and your kids.

I agree with what has already been posted. I would just try and reassure them that you are feeling better and try to ease their anxiety. I also would tell them that they could come to you and ask any questions they might have. Sometimes kids don't ask questions and just worry. Remind them often if you sense them worrying. If you are truly feeling well, Maybe make a point in saying how good you feel. It may help them to hear it without them asking...

Good luck and I hope you continue to be cancer free.

 

[clm10308]

I agree with what everyone else has said, but want to add.
Some kids are upset by the uncertainty of what would happen to them if something happened to you. Sometimes it is comforting for these kids to know what the plan is if something should happend to the parents.
My DD went through something like that, and once she knew where she would go and who would take care of her she was able to focus on other things.

 

[Freesia123]

I honestly think you need a counsellor for him, and for your entire family. Big hugs to you! I am praying that you stay healthy!!!

 

[MSSANDRA]

Hugs to you both! This must be one of the hardest parts of your illness. First, I would be totally honest, but very careful to only answer what he is really asking. Those answer are going to depend on where your faith lies and what background he has for belief. If you know your long term prognosis, I would share that, but some people would not share that with a child. Share your thoughts with your child as far as how you feel about fighting for your life. But most important, assure your child he will ALWAYS be cared for. No matter what,children are still egocentric and it comes back to them....just the way they are wired! He needs to know when you are in the hospital, dad or aunt Marry or whomever, will take care of them. If you can not care for them, let them know who will and reassure them they will be fine. If you are a Christian share your thoughts on heaven with them. If, not share what you do believe. Consider asking a leader of your faith to talk with your child. Prayers for EVERYONE.

 

[drcmk]

My question is what would you do? Have I done enough? The thought of him crying for me is killing me. I don't want him to be scared. Thanks in advance.

I think this is too big an issue for this forum. Talk to the social worker at your hospital, your oncologist and/or your child's school and get recommendations for you to see a family therapist.

Truthfully, your son has a right to cry for you and there is plenty to be scared about. It doesn't help to try to take those feelings away. He needs help to deal with those feelings. Probably the rest of your family does too.

Good luck. I hope future doctor visits bring good news for you.

 

[lovewdwdvc]

Get your team of supporters together. Family, friends and professionals. Lean on them when you can.

 

[jrw118]

Thank you all for your suggestions and support. I will be contacting the drs office tomorrow.

 

[Lisa71]

A lot of kids benefit from a few counseling sessions and then a lot of plain facts. You are doing well. All people get sick sometimes and this was scary. He is at an age where he understands death is real. My DD had a hard time when she realized that. Bug hugs and hope the doctor can recommend someone.

 

[Shelli_5]

I am so sorry that you & your son are going through this. I hope that you continue to get stronger & healthier as time goes on.

I have a unique perspective on your questions because my mom died from cancer when I was 10. My parents didn't tell me very much about what was happening. It was horrible. I was so scared & upset that I didn't ask them any questions either. I tried to be brave & strong, but it took a huge toll on me.

I think it's important to be honest with your kids about your health, in a gentle & loving way. Teach them that they will be okay no matter what happens. I agree that family counseling would be really helpful in this situation. It would provide a supportive environment for everyone to talk about their feelings. The counselor can also help you figure out how to best communicate with your son.

Best wishes to you & your family.

 

[bobcat]

I am so sorry that you & your son are going through this. I hope that you continue to get stronger & healthier as time goes on.

I have a unique perspective on your questions because my mom died from cancer when I was 10. My parents didn't tell me very much about what was happening. It was horrible. I was so scared & upset that I didn't ask them any questions either. I tried to be brave & strong, but it took a huge toll on me.

I think it's important to be honest with your kids about your health, in a gentle & loving way. Teach them that they will be okay no matter what happens. I agree that family counseling would be really helpful in this situation. It would provide a supportive environment for everyone to talk about their feelings. The counselor can also help you figure out how to best communicate with your son.

Best wishes to you & your family.

I have to agree. My mom passed when I was 8 and 30 years ago you just didn't talk about it. That left me with a lot of questions and feeling too scared to ask. Being truthful, although in a way an 8yo can understand, is the best. Also letting kids know they can ask questions. As children we have fears that are real to us, even if they aren't rational to adults. Being open and available for questions can really help.

 

[momz]

I have been the kid in this situation. I remember being so scared. I had feelings that I didn't have words to describe.

In my situation, us kids were shuffled around to family and friends. It felt like we were being kept out of the way. My brothers and I carried on as if nothing was happening, it felt like that's what was expected of us.

I think that kids are capable of understanding a lot more than we give them credit for. I would advise you to talk to him about what is going on. The more he knows and understands, the less his imagination will run amuk.

Also, at that age, a child views things in terms of how it will affect HIM personally. He is capable of having empathy for what his mother is going through, but mostly in terms what it means for HIM.

Listen to what his worries are, and acknowledge that you cannot fix it, and no words will make it better. Let him know that you are scared too and that you will face this together as a family. He will likely need YOU to put words to his feelings, he may not have the ability to do that himself. And he certainly needs to know that his feelings are important.

With so much uncertainty, tell him everyday what is going on for THAT day. He needs to be included. Also, give him things to do so that he can feel helpful. Even if its just getting you a glass of water, or helping you into your slippers...even if you don't need the help.

Hugs to you and your family. I commend you that you are taking the time to consider his feelings and how to help him through this. That fact alone speaks volumes!

I wish you all the best.

 

[disney2014plan]

I work in the UK, but my advice would echo those above - anyone dealing with oncology will know what services are available for you and your family.

In addition, many cancer charities offer information. I found this, which might be helpful for you

http://www.cancer.org/acs/groups/cid/documents/webcontent/002605-pdf.pdf


Best wishes for you and your little one.