WWYD? Family conflict

[deedeecee]

We are currently estranged from my husband's mother (M) and stepfather (B). It's been about 5 months since we've seen or spoken to them. A lot of hurtful words were said back then, but the crux of the matter is M and B demanded our loyalty to them, above other family members, and were angry that we refused to completely sever our relationship with the others, namely M's mother, sister and brother-in-law.
Things have been relatively peaceful since then. Yesterday, we came home to a beautifully wrapped birthday package on our front doorstep. Our daughter's birthday is tomorrow. I recognized the handwriting on the card right away.
We haven't opened the package, but my daughter has seen it and expects to open it tomorrow.
I'm torn. If she opens the package, I think a thank-you card should be sent, but I don't want to give them the impression that I am OK with just glossing over things and pretending this rift never happened. (That's their usual MO -- they've been mad at us before.)
A lot of terrible things were said 5 months ago, including an empty threat to call CPS on us. I think that we should all have a big sit-down and discuss what's happened, but then I think, "Why bother? This is who they are, they will never change."
So should my daughter open the present? Should a thank you card be sent? (If one is sent, I will have to write it; she could sign it.) If anybody has some words of wisdom on how to handle this situation, I would love to hear them.

FWIW, my daughter has never asked to see M and B, despite previously seeing them on a somewhat regular basis. One time, I was driving past their subdivision and my daughter mentioned that if we turned right, we would be going to her grandparents' house, but didn't say anything else. I don't shut down any talk about M and B but I don't necessarily encourage it, either.

 

[foolishmortal]

if things are that bad I would send present back with no note attached (they will know why its returned), and maybe then thier actions will have some real consequences.

Maybe get your DD another present in its place

 

[NHdisneylover]

It sounds like they re trying to make some small progress towards amends--or at the very least do not want to lost all relations with their granddaughter because of an issue which does not involve her. I would have her open the gift, draw them a picture and write the words Thank You (you can write it on another paper and she can copy it, or you can lightly write it in pencil for her to trace over with marker). You do not need to write anything else.

Personally (and I have a family member who does not speak to various people on turn--she is speaking to us now but did not for four years so I have some idea what you are going through) I prefer not to "fight back" with ultimatums of my own. If your on laws said you had to choose between them and other family I would just respond that "I love you all. it will be very sad if you choose not to come around because I will not refuse to spend time with any of you--but of course that is your choice and I cannot stop it." Then I go on inviting them to anything I normally would, sending gifts and cards when I normally would and simply refusing to get involved in the fuss--it is always their choice to not reciprocate. Eventually people wear down and want to be nice again--and often that starts wit a gesture like a birthday gift. Of course threatening to call CPS and whatnot is much worse (but if it was said once in the heat of an argument and never seemed real i would not much care) but I would still try to just get past it and try again if this is the first time the in laws have pulled something like this.

 

[Handbag Lady]

We are currently estranged from my husband's mother (M) and stepfather (B). It's been about 5 months since we've seen or spoken to them. A lot of hurtful words were said back then, but the crux of the matter is M and B demanded our loyalty to them, above other family members, and were angry that we refused to completely sever our relationship with the others, namely M's mother, sister and brother-in-law.
Things have been relatively peaceful since then. Yesterday, we came home to a beautifully wrapped birthday package on our front doorstep. Our daughter's birthday is tomorrow. I recognized the handwriting on the card right away.
We haven't opened the package, but my daughter has seen it and expects to open it tomorrow.
I'm torn. If she opens the package, I think a thank-you card should be sent, but I don't want to give them the impression that I am OK with just glossing over things and pretending this rift never happened. (That's their usual MO -- they've been mad at us before.)
A lot of terrible things were said 5 months ago, including an empty threat to call CPS on us. I think that we should all have a big sit-down and discuss what's happened, but then I think, "Why bother? This is who they are, they will never change."
So should my daughter open the present? Should a thank you card be sent? (If one is sent, I will have to write it; she could sign it.) If anybody has some words of wisdom on how to handle this situation, I would love to hear them.

FWIW, my daughter has never asked to see M and B, despite previously seeing them on a somewhat regular basis. One time, I was driving past their subdivision and my daughter mentioned that if we turned right, we would be going to her grandparents' house, but didn't say anything else. I don't shut down any talk about M and B but I don't necessarily encourage it, either.

Yes, give the present to your daughter and of course send a thank you note.

Then, at a later time, outside of your daughter's birthday week, suggest a sit-down to go over things. I wouldn't take a threat of CPS easily but then, I wouldn't want my daughter to think I was anything like her grandmother.

 

[eliza61]

We are currently estranged from my husband's mother (M) and stepfather (B). It's been about 5 months since we've seen or spoken to them. A lot of hurtful words were said back then, but the crux of the matter is M and B demanded our loyalty to them, above other family members, and were angry that we refused to completely sever our relationship with the others, namely M's mother, sister and brother-in-law.
Things have been relatively peaceful since then. Yesterday, we came home to a beautifully wrapped birthday package on our front doorstep. Our daughter's birthday is tomorrow. I recognized the handwriting on the card right away.
We haven't opened the package, but my daughter has seen it and expects to open it tomorrow.
I'm torn. If she opens the package, I think a thank-you card should be sent, but I don't want to give them the impression that I am OK with just glossing over things and pretending this rift never happened. (That's their usual MO -- they've been mad at us before.)
A lot of terrible things were said 5 months ago, including an empty threat to call CPS on us. I think that we should all have a big sit-down and discuss what's happened, but then I think, "Why bother? This is who they are, they will never change."
So should my daughter open the present? Should a thank you card be sent? (If one is sent, I will have to write it; she could sign it.) If anybody has some words of wisdom on how to handle this situation, I would love to hear them.

FWIW, my daughter has never asked to see M and B, despite previously seeing them on a somewhat regular basis. One time, I was driving past their subdivision and my daughter mentioned that if we turned right, we would be going to her grandparents' house, but didn't say anything else. I don't shut down any talk about M and B but I don't necessarily encourage it, either.

First, please don't drag your daughter in the middle. If your inlaws sent a birthday gift for your daughter I think she should get it. Definitely send a thank you note.

Your daughter recieving a gift for her birthday does not mean you are trying to gloss over any thing. Seperate the two and deal with each one independantly.

I'm a big lover of truth and honesty(as much as possible) so those are the reasons why I would be dragging everybody to the table.

 

[minkydog]

I agree. Let your daughter open the present.Is she not old enough to write a thank you note? My children were "writing" thank you notes by the time they were 3--usually just a picture and some stickers, but it was their version of a thank you note. And I think you should also write a thank you note. Perhaps your inlaws are ready to re-open communications. I would not hold the present hostage waiting for apologies or restitution from them. Just let her have the present. Perhaps in a couple weeks the four of you(not your daughter, of course) can sit down and try to calmly mend some bridges.

 

[kathie859]

DD should have her birthday present; like a pp said, have her draw a picture and do her own "Thank you" note. Nothing more is required. Accepting a gift isn't going to change the problem of others trying to dictate your lives; however, if they make overtures to you, I would be gracious. But that's just me--DH only has one mother--she may be a bit of a nutcase--but she is his mother. Good luck--I know family can be CRAZY sometimes

 

[Magic Mom]

It sounds like they re trying to make some small progress towards amends--or at the very least do not want to lost all relations with their granddaughter because of an issue which does not involve her. I would have her open the gift, draw them a picture and write the words Thank You (you can write it on another paper and she can copy it, or you can lightly write it in pencil for her to trace over with marker). You do not need to write anything else.

I agree.

 

[pixiewings71]

Let your DD open her gift from her Grandparents, even if you and DH are having disagreements with them that shouldn't spill over to their relationship with your child. Unless of course they are bad mouthing you or your DH to her, that makes things different. But it sounds as if the fight was between the 4 of you so I would absolutely leave her out of it. Let her open it, let her send a Thank You note and that's it. You don't need to do anything else....

 

[tink20]

I don't really know what to tell you, but we have the same problem. My ex and his wife and his mother (DD's father, stepmother & grandmother). They act however they want, are rude to people and expect people to still be nice to them. Well my DD is older now, and she is sick of it. They are all rude to her, even the GM. It would take pages for me to tell you everything they have said and done. She wants to have a relationship with them, but everytime she gives in, they do something to ruin it. They sent her some Xmas gifts and some Bday gifts, (she is 16) so old enough to make up her mind, she kept them, and sent thank you cards. Sometimes, I think they associate LOVE, with buying things. Because they always bring it up later on "well I bought you this and that" The last incident was Fathers Day, she was going to go over and visit him, but he started arguing with her, and he told her just to forget coming over. She really would love a relationship with her father, but its the same old thing everytime. Dammed if you do, dammed if you don't....they are never happy! I don't know how old your DD is, I know you hate for her to not have a relationship with her GP, but sometimes "they" do it to themselves. My ex, just doesn't get why DD doesn't want to come over. I don't think he will ever change, he doesn't really have a good relationship with anyone (including his mother and his wife) Some people are just unhappy and they try to make other feel the same way. Good Luck in whatever you do!

 

[Wishing on a star]

I think that we should all have a big sit-down and discuss what's happened, but then I think, "Why bother? This is who they are, they will never change."

This... the bolded above.

They are using and playing on your innocent child to regain control!!!

There is no excuse for their behavior.
They should have at least spoken to you before re-involving your child.

You don't want your child re-engaged and caught in the middle here.

I hate to think that children should have to be protected from their grandparents to the point that all contact/gifts are cut off.

But, if this is the way these grandparents want to play the game... making threats about calling CPS, and using the innocent child's feelings as a pawn, and putting a mother in the position of having to be the one who is the evil 'heavy'....

Don't go there.

This is not the way to reopen any lines of communication or relationship.

IMHO, until some amicable words are shared between adults, then using a child as a pawn is definitely off limits.

I know that this is hurtful to your daughter, and just as hurtful to you.

 

[faith]

I hope you don't put your daughter in the middle of the *******. Let her open the present, and send a thank you card. Why get involved right now in rehashing the disagreement? Her birthday doesn't have anything to do with your inlaw troubles. Take the high road, and set a good example for your daughter. Give yourselves and them some more time and space. Best of luck.

 

[deedeecee]

Well, you all have given me different perspectives and I appreciate it.
For the person who asked, no, my child doesn't normally write her thank you cards. She dictates, I write and then she signs her name. And for the other person who suggested having her draw a picture and sign her name, great idea. I never thought of that.
Tomorrow, she will open her gift. She will write a thank you note and we will pop it in the mail. And that will be it.
We have kept her out of the conflict, and I hope to continue doing so. My in-laws are not the nicest people, and I have had to bite my lip and endure for the most part, but they had been good grandparents (at least prior to this last argument).

 

[Rupert B Puppenstein]

First, please don't drag your daughter in the middle. If your inlaws sent a birthday gift for your daughter I think she should get it. Definitely send a thank you note.

Your daughter recieving a gift for her birthday does not mean you are trying to gloss over any thing. Seperate the two and deal with each one independantly.

I'm a big lover of truth and honesty(as much as possible) so those are the reasons why I would be dragging everybody to the table.

I agree with this. It is a hard position to be in, but it is teaching your daughter that you are not holding a grudge. I grew up with my Mom doing that and it was an awful position to be in. Because of that, I don't have a great relationship with my Grandmother because I never really had to chance to form one with her...instead I developed the same lack of trust my mother had for her. In turn, I started to resent my Mother. Don't follow what my Mom did - it turns you into the enemy and her grandparents into the victims. At least it did for my personal experience.

 

[Tink888]

Well, you all have given me different perspectives and I appreciate it.
For the person who asked, no, my child doesn't normally write her thank you cards. She dictates, I write and then she signs her name. And for the other person who suggested having her draw a picture and sign her name, great idea. I never thought of that.
Tomorrow, she will open her gift. She will write a thank you note and we will pop it in the mail. And that will be it.
We have kept her out of the conflict, and I hope to continue doing so. My in-laws are not the nicest people, and I have had to bite my lip and endure for the most part, but they had been good grandparents (at least prior to this last argument).

I think you are doing the right thing.

It takes a mature and level-headed person to not put a child in the middle of family conflicts and is sometimes difficult. You are putting your daughter and her feelings first and I think that's great!!!

 

[HeatherH]

Well, you all have given me different perspectives and I appreciate it.
For the person who asked, no, my child doesn't normally write her thank you cards. She dictates, I write and then she signs her name. And for the other person who suggested having her draw a picture and sign her name, great idea. I never thought of that.
Tomorrow, she will open her gift. She will write a thank you note and we will pop it in the mail. And that will be it.
We have kept her out of the conflict, and I hope to continue doing so. My in-laws are not the nicest people, and I have had to bite my lip and endure for the most part, but they had been good grandparents (at least prior to this last argument).

I think you are absolutely doing the right thing. Good for you.

 

[wdwfan16]

We are currently estranged from my husband's mother (M) and stepfather (B). It's been about 5 months since we've seen or spoken to them. A lot of hurtful words were said back then, but the crux of the matter is M and B demanded our loyalty to them, above other family members, and were angry that we refused to completely sever our relationship with the others, namely M's mother, sister and brother-in-law.
Things have been relatively peaceful since then. Yesterday, we came home to a beautifully wrapped birthday package on our front doorstep. Our daughter's birthday is tomorrow. I recognized the handwriting on the card right away.
We haven't opened the package, but my daughter has seen it and expects to open it tomorrow.
I'm torn. If she opens the package, I think a thank-you card should be sent, but I don't want to give them the impression that I am OK with just glossing over things and pretending this rift never happened. (That's their usual MO -- they've been mad at us before.)
A lot of terrible things were said 5 months ago, including an empty threat to call CPS on us. I think that we should all have a big sit-down and discuss what's happened, but then I think, "Why bother? This is who they are, they will never change."
So should my daughter open the present? Should a thank you card be sent? (If one is sent, I will have to write it; she could sign it.) If anybody has some words of wisdom on how to handle this situation, I would love to hear them.

FWIW, my daughter has never asked to see M and B, despite previously seeing them on a somewhat regular basis. One time, I was driving past their subdivision and my daughter mentioned that if we turned right, we would be going to her grandparents' house, but didn't say anything else. I don't shut down any talk about M and B but I don't necessarily encourage it, either.

I know people just like this and they will never change.

I would let your daughter open the gift and send a thank your card. Leave it at that.

 

[C.Ann]

Well, you all have given me different perspectives and I appreciate it.
For the person who asked, no, my child doesn't normally write her thank you cards. She dictates, I write and then she signs her name. And for the other person who suggested having her draw a picture and sign her name, great idea. I never thought of that.
Tomorrow, she will open her gift. She will write a thank you note and we will pop it in the mail. And that will be it.
We have kept her out of the conflict, and I hope to continue doing so. My in-laws are not the nicest people, and I have had to bite my lip and endure for the most part, but they had been good grandparents (at least prior to this last argument).

I think this is the best course of action.. There is no reason for your DD to be punished for something that the adults need to work out in a private meeting at an appropriate time..

I don't see your DD being "used as a pawn" at all.. I see grandparents who are adult enough to still acknowledge your DD's birthday even though there are "adult issues" going on behind the scenes..

Since your DD saw the gift sitting there, it would be cruel not to allow her to open it - regardless of the circumstances..

Good luck with whatever you decide to do regarding the other matter..