Would you vacation with couple that is separating?

[notsosnowwhite]

We are facing this situation. Earlier in the year we made plans to travel with DSis and DBIL to Disney this Christmas. Although they have had marital problems for the last two years, they had started counseling and seemed to be working things out. Over the past month my sister has shared that things are getting worse despite counseling- they are separating, but going to remain living in the same house.

This has put us in a difficult situation. While we were making plans to get together to plan next weekend, I asked if both spouses were still planning on vacationing. I said that I would much rather talk about this face to face, and I didn't want to make anyone upset - just wanted to get a heads up on the situation. This led to a very strong reaction from my sister saying they wouldn't have any drama, everything is fine, and if we were uncomfortable we could cancel. (We will still be going no matter what they decide.) She then cancelled the plans for the weekend.

Today we are getting emails and texts from the wanting us to know that everything would be fine, they are doing much better, and implying that we will be taking vacation away from the kids.

I have made it clear that we can talk about this. We have not said we don't want to vacation together, but I feel it's important to talk about this and all the factors. It's quickly ramping up to drama, which I don't do.

It's very confusing to me to be told that they can't get along to stay married, but I'm making them sad / upset by implying they might not be able to get along on a vacation to Disney. What would you do?

 

[Happyjen27]

I would count on them to be adults, and as adults if they want to vacation together with family, then I would happily enjoy the vacation I was planning on. I'm not sure what there is to talk about ahead of time, you asked your question, you have your answer. Proceed as one big family unit, just as they are planning on doing.

If things get awkward or uncomfortable there, then you can deal with it then by changing dining/park/FP plans and gaining some space in a kind, respectful way.

 

[ilovevacation]

I read the title and said "heck no" out loud. I understand that they plan to be adults but we all know first hand how stressful a Disney trip can be. One of my dear friends ended up getting divorced after some on/off discourse and Disney was the final straw. I wouldn't personally want to spend all of that money and it ends up being turmoil. Furthermore, it might end up putting you in the middle, which is the last place you want to be. It sounds like you plan on going regardless, which is great, but limit your group time.

Good luck!

 

[kayemgi]

My gut reaction without knowing the situation would be no. But after reading what you posted, I agree with Happyjen. You asked, they answered, I'd go and hope for the best. It is family after all. And you can always do your own thing at WDW if things aren't going well. Best of luck!

 

[buzznina]

You mentioned they have had issues for a couple of years, so when you hung out with them over the past 2 years have they ever made a scene? If the answer is no, then why would you think they would now. I have known 2 couples that divorced and still lived together and they both seemed much happier, then when they were actually married.

 

[notsosnowwhite]

Thanks so much for the replies. They live a few states away and we last were with them last year this time. During that time there was not so much a scene, but constant tension with a few larger spats. Afterwards I felt like a therapist, answering many texts and emails about what they should do until I insisted they speak with a licensed counselor.
Ultimately it's their choice, but the idea that if it goes bad we can each do our own thing is not an easy choice in this case. I don't believe they would be comfortable with that, but it seems like good advice and worth a shot.

 

[Maxpowers]

Are you staying in the same rooms with them? If not, then I see no problem. If they do have issue, you can proceed along your way and enjoy your vacation while they work it out (or don't). I would communicate that to them, that you're happy to still go with them, but if there's a problem we will continue to enjoy our vacation without you. If they are adults they will understand. I mean even if they weren't having issues, it's probably a good idea to schedule in some time without each other. Close quarters can grate on anyone.

 

[notsosnowwhite]

Are you staying in the same rooms with them? If not, then I see no problem. If they do have issue, you can proceed along your way and enjoy your vacation while they work it out (or don't). I would communicate that to them, that you're happy to still go with them, but if there's a problem we will continue to enjoy our vacation without you. If they are adults they will understand. I mean even if they weren't having issues, it's probably a good idea to schedule in some time without each other. Close quarters can grate on anyone.

We're staying in a townhouse together. So, there will be space.

 

[patdoc98]

Good luck! If it goes badly, it's only one vacation, and you'll probably never have this problem again!

One suggestion -- if you decide you are okay going with them, then confirm with your sister ASAP, and let her know that you are really looking forward to it. It's clear she is stressed about you even questioning it.

 

[kollerbear]

I would also consider how self-aware and in control your sister and her partner have been historically... it sounds like they are really wanting to have a good vacation for the sake of the kids (and, probably, you). Because they've decided to separate, it sounds like they actually are making steps to make themselves happier/saner, and it sounds like they really want this to work and will try to control themselves. If they are people who typically seem to be able to do that, I think this could still be fun. As long as you can take some space from each other if things get rough, I think this is a nice way to stay close as they go through a transition in their lives.

 

[quagmire0]

Honestly, it sounds like a very confusing situation and I feel for you. From an outside perspective, I think your sister and BIL are being both unrealistic and selfish. They obviously aren't self-aware of how their tension and flare-ups affect those around them. Is it possible that they've turned a corner and are 'ok now'? It's possible. But I'm not sure an extended vacation with family is the way to find out. Perhaps they need to go off on their own for a week, as part of 'working it out' and see how they do themselves before thinking about going on vacation with others. As you've said, they've had spats/tension in the past that makes it uncomfortable for those around them. I think it's unfair of them to put you in that situation during a special time where you and your family are looking to relax and get away from the daily grind.

 

[lakphotomom]

I think that the best thing you can do is put the children first, and just plan on making it work for their sake.

 

[rigs32]

I understand your concern, but your request to discuss it probably came across and prying into their personal business.

I would have asked if they still planned to go and leave it at that. To request a discussion of their interpersonal dynamics is not fair. It goes without saying that drama should not be allowed on a group vacation, but we all know it happens and their circumstances don't automatically mean there will be drama.

 

[brockash]

We are facing this situation. Earlier in the year we made plans to travel with DSis and DBIL to Disney this Christmas. Although they have had marital problems for the last two years, they had started counseling and seemed to be working things out. Over the past month my sister has shared that things are getting worse despite counseling- they are separating, but going to remain living in the same house.

This has put us in a difficult situation. While we were making plans to get together to plan next weekend, I asked if both spouses were still planning on vacationing. I said that I would much rather talk about this face to face, and I didn't want to make anyone upset - just wanted to get a heads up on the situation. This led to a very strong reaction from my sister saying they wouldn't have any drama, everything is fine, and if we were uncomfortable we could cancel. (We will still be going no matter what they decide.) She then cancelled the plans for the weekend.

Today we are getting emails and texts from the wanting us to know that everything would be fine, they are doing much better, and implying that we will be taking vacation away from the kids.

I have made it clear that we can talk about this. We have not said we don't want to vacation together, but I feel it's important to talk about this and all the factors. It's quickly ramping up to drama, which I don't do.

It's very confusing to me to be told that they can't get along to stay married, but I'm making them sad / upset by implying they might not be able to get along on a vacation to Disney. What would you do?

I guess I don't really understand the issue. I mean I get that they're getting separated and that may be awkward at times or may not, but it sounds like your family is going regardless and they sound like they are still wanting to go and will be going as well, so what is there to talk about? If it were me and we were on vacation together and it started to become an issue and they were ruining my vacation then I, with my family would just do our own thing at that point. When you go (because it sounds like you both are regardless) go in hoping for the best and if it turns out that they can't be civil with each other, let them know that you guys will be doing your own thing.

 

[Baklava]

I don't understand how doing this constitutes "putting the kids first." If they are YOUR kids, putting them first means keeping them clear of the tension. If they are HER kids, your presence should not be a factor. Sure, they'd probably like to see you, but that can be achieved in other ways.

I cannot imagine that it will not be tense or unhappy. I would not share a townhouse with people in the middle of a divorce. I might share a meal, but that would be my limit.

 

[Tricia's mom]

Hell,Noooooo

I don't even want to go on Wdw vacation with anyone happily married.

 

[crisi]

Heck no.

If they are blaming you for taking a vacation away from their kids - they already have a problem. Since there are several easy solution - DBil stays home and you go with your sister. Or they take their kids, you take your kids and you have semi separate vacations. However, all the solutions have your sister taking some responsibility to say "gee, I bet being around us isn't comfortable, and I'm willing to do something for your comfort."

I suspect the realistic answer is the "we will be at Disney at this time. If your family situation allows you to be in Disney at the same time, we would like to get together with you for dinner once or twice - and maybe the cousins can spend some time with each other. But our own vacation time with our family is too important to risk your family drama - so this won't be a 'vacation together.' I understand that you aren't intending to have 'family drama' - but frankly, the past two years we've had enough of it to doubt you'll be able to keep that promise during vacation."

My own kids are starting to fly solo - in a few years I'll have an empty nest. The time you have with your own kids is fleeting and special - don't spend this vacation making memories you won't enjoy because you want to avoid the conflict with your sister. Your kids come before her kids in your priority list.

By the way, your sister sounds selfish - she doesn't want to admit this makes you uncomfortable and she is willing to blame you for removing a Disney trip from her kids - like she doesn't have the ability to take action or any responsibility for her actions. So I wouldn't "open this up for talk and discussion" since your role in this relationship appears to be the peacemaker and conflict avoider, she'll roll you out like a doormat. Say simply "your situation had changed, that means that this is how this will work - take it or leave it." Or she'll guilt you into pretending like everything is ok and getting her own way.

 

[jerseygal]

Vacations imo are much too precious and too expensive to deal with any potential undercurrent of problems and "baggage", especially since you mentioned that you were renting a townhouse together. Hope that it works out for you!

 

[Allison]

I definitely would not want to do that.

 

[msmama]

I agree with someone else that saying that you wanting to "discuss" might be making it worse. Sure, discuss where you're eating, what you're doing, but wanting to discuss how they are going to handle issues if they come up is, frankly, none of your business (to be blunt).

I've traveled several times with my ex husband. We get along much better now that when we were married (it's much easier to overlook things knowing you can go your seperate ways when you get home). We've also traveled with other people and there have been no issues because we are adults who are doing what's best for our family.

If your sister and brother and law are adults, then trust them to handle their personal business personally.