Would you tell your friend about her daughter's behavior?

[Karista]

I have a good friend who's 14-year-old daughter is friends with my son. This girl is over the top boy crazy. I don't know if it's typical of girls this age but it seems excessive to me.

Today they all left for a youth trip to Cedar Point. This girl took another girlfriend along, but as soon as she got into the group of boys she "ditched" her girlfriend and plopped herself on the bus in the middle of the boys. Her friend was almost in tears and ended up riding on a different bus with kids she doesn't even know.

I'm debating with myself whether to call my friend and let her know how her daughter acted or just to keep it to myself. I feel terrible for the young friend, but then again it might all work itself out once they get there.

This young lady has done a lot of other things during the school year that I haven't told her mother because I don't want to betray my son's trust (she tells him and he tells me). However, I saw this for myself and was just dumbfounded that she could be so rude, and I told her that!

So, do I call or just mind my own business?

 

[jrmasm]

MYOB!!

Unless she is doing something to endanger herself or others or breaking the law, I would keep out of it.

 

[Serena]

mind your own business on this one.

 

[poohandwendy]

First of all, yes...girls at this age are often very 'boy crazy'. Unless this girl is doing (or has done) something that is risky behavior, I would not bring this up with the mother. I am not sure what the point would be. She ditched her friend and sits with boys on the bus. So, what is the 'crime'? That she is not a nice friend or that she likes boys? Seems like you are more concerned that she wasn't very nice to her friend but at 14, they need to work out disagreements on their own.

I am confused about the 'other things' she has done throughout the school year, are they on the same level as the bus trip thing or worse?

With only the info you describe, I would mind my own business. JMHO.

 

[Karista]

Thanks for the quick replies.

The other things she's done are on a different level; sneaking out to see her boyfriend, lying to her parents, etc. I wish I didn't even know this stuff so I wouldn't have to struggle to keep my mouth shut! I just keep wondering how I would feel if it were my child, if I would want to know or not.

You're all right - I need to mind my own business on this one. It just bugs the heck out of me that this invited friend has to make a 4 hour trip in a bus/van with kids she doesn't even know. I guess calling the mother isn't going to change that and at 14 they'll have to work the friend thing out themselves.

 

[Serena]

This is just a case of killing the messenger. No matter how you would phrase it, it's not good.
If she were to ask you if you've heard anything or seen anything, then that would be different.

 

[Tinkbell]

No good can come from telling. The teen years are very hard socially. I can tell that you feel bad for the ditched girl but telling the other girl's mom won't change the situation. Also, tell your son that you don't want to hear the stories about his friend unless it's something good.

 

[tiggerlover]

I don't think I would share the information unless I was asked directly by DF.

 

[Steve H.]

I'd have to agree with the others -- it sucks for the invited friend, but that's the teenage years in general. A lot of 14 year olds do a lot of cruel, insensitive stuff. It won't help to get involved -- it'll actually probably make it worse in fact.

 

[crazyme5kids]

Was your son there? If I saw that happen, I would call my son over and quietly let him know about the other girl and suggest that he sit with her for a while to help her feel better. Would I tell the mother? No. I would use the incident as a way to teach my child about treating others with respect and kindness.

 

[SnowAngel]

I wouldn't say anything unless it's something really important. I rememer that age and quite a few girls were like that.
And I know from experience that people love to shoot the messenger.

 

[trayletha]

I agree that the bus incident is a MYOB, mostly it's bad manners and you'd get more trouble than it is worth. However the sneaking out and lying I do think should be delt with. Do you know her parents well? Are they likely to be open minded if you talk to them? Or are they the "MY child can do no wrong" type? For the first I'd just let them know what you've been told - letting them know your DS had no reason to lie about it as he did not know you'd tell them. As to the second type they are tougher - maybe a phone call to them when she's snuck out (if you know) or some other non-confrontational way. My reasons for this is 1) I would definantly want to know if it was my DD and 2) Your DS maybe letting you know all this because he's worried about her and wants an adult to get involved. YMO

 

[Sal]

I have never seen a time where a parent was receptive to this kind of news about their child. Unless the girl is doing something dangerous (and you know it for a fact) I would just keep quiet.

I feel badly for the friend, too. Getting through those teen years is hard work..........for the teens AND their parents!

 

[LindaR]

In middle school my daughter had a "best friend" who was just like this. One time she stood me and my daughter up (movies) to do whatever with a boy. I was really ticked because we had gone out of our way to arrange this get together. I never did like this girl, so being *issed, I said alot of stuff to my daughter about this girl's upbringing, personality, and what was in store for her in the future.

My daughter got angry with me for saying bad things about her best friend.

Two years later, my daughter finally "had enough" of her so called friend and does not have ANYTHING to do with her. She has been removed from "the circle" of friends. All because she acts like a *****, rubs against her "friends" boyfriends, and ditches the girls anytime a boy comes near.

My daughter ended up telling ALOT of things I didn't know about this girl.

I think this is a self-esteem issue. Young girls think that they have to lower their morals and act a certain way in order to be popular or fit in.

In the end, they end up with less respect than they had before. Gotta learn that lesson the hard way.

 

[poohandwendy]

The other things she's done are on a different level; sneaking out to see her boyfriend, lying to her parents, etc. I wish I didn't even know this stuff so I wouldn't have to struggle to keep my mouth shut! I just keep wondering how I would feel if it were my child, if I would want to know or not.

It's odd to me that you think this incident is something you may want to tell the mother but 'sneaking out of the house to be with the BF' incident is one where you kept quiet. One is just rude and flirtatious behavior...the other could lead to serious trouble.

I would definitely tell my friend if I heard that her 14 yo daughter was sneaking out to be with a boy. I would say something like, "Hey, I don't want to alarm you but I overheard something that could be trouble but then again, I could be mistaken. I just wanted you to know because if it were my son, I would want you to tell me". It would then be up to her to investigate and deal with what she finds. I would also tell my son what I said to the mother and remind them that keeping quiet on potentially dangerous situations is something I cannot ever promise.

JMHO.