Would you move far from your grown children?

[Tiggeroo]

I always swore I wouldn't do this. However, the economy of the past two years have been tough. Dh is back to work but it's with a pay cut. Sis wants us to move by her and help her with a business venture. This would pay us well. Dh would also be much more likely to make good money here also and would have a fairly easy time finding work. Cost of living is about the same.
My kids are all young adults who are living with me about half the time. They are capable of being on their own with a little bit of help from us, at least the ones still in school. My issue is I have no relationship with my parents and my kids had no close grandparents growing up. It is very important to me to be close to my future(if any?) grandkids and to have regular time together. I am afraid that if dh makes this move now at 50 he would have a tough time coming back to this area in 2-3 years and making a job switch and we would end up trapped there far away from my kids. I am afraid that us moving would take away a central family stability for my kids at a time in their lives when it's natural to drift and come home to mom and dad for the big important things. KWIM?
OTH - given my kids ages it's entirely possible that they might find their careers take them away for a bit anyway. And I may find that I stay here and they are gone?

 

[golfgal]

Sometimes you have to do what you have to do. If you can make more money and put a lot of it aside for travel in the future you can visit the kids often. Like you also said, there is nothing to say that the kids might not move away from YOU some day. If you are moving to a good "vacation" spot, the kids will want to come see you too. Even if it isn't a good vacation spot, having a place to stay when you travel that is free will also allow the kids to travel more often because it won't be as expensive.

 

[jsmith]

Living away did not keep me from having a relationship with my grand parents-and at 50 you have to consider your future and your retirement as well as the possiblity of grand children who do not exist yet-we recently moved to improve our job prospects-really didnt have alot of choice-and our grown children have moved away from us and dont really have a prospect of moving back-unless you want to support them-and struggle-for ever it might be wise to move.

 

[Tiggeroo]

We need to recover toward retirement so our kids won't be supporting us. That's why we would do it. For a year or two might actually be good for our kids, causing them to become more independent. However, it would be hard for me not to be able to spend time with them after that. Initially it will be much harder on me then them.

 

[FlightlessDuck]

I like the general area I am living in and I don't see myself moving, regardless of where my children live.

I'm not sure if that answers your question.

 

[SeaSpray]

Tiggaroo, I understand where you're coming from. Barring any major unforeseen occurance regarding DH's job, we won't be moving.

I moved away from my family in NJ just over 13 years ago, and until recently DH and I always talked about either moving back to NJ, or moving further south maybe between Virginia (where his only sister lives) and North Carolina. We've just been waiting for DSs to grow up and go out on their own.

However, a couple of months ago it suddenly hit us that there's no way that we want to live far away from DSs or any future grandchildren. Why this didn't occur to us sooner, I have no idea.

Anyway, my DSs have grown up here in MA so this is their home state, and I don't see them moving away unless something in the future comes up that would require them to.

So... here in MA is where I'll stay.... I'll continue to suffer the winters but at least I will be with MY family (DH and DSs).

And I will continue to go back to NJ to visit my 2 best friends: My sister and my niece. And also to see my brothers and SILs

 

[Planogirl]

I'll just give my aunt as an example. She until recently lived in the Dallas area. She has three sons who all moved away for career reasons. One moved to south Texas, another to Atlanta and another to Mass. She just moved close to the son in south Texas but you just never know what the kids might do either.

 

[Imzadi]

2-3 years really isn't that long. You'd barely be settled in before (if) you move back.

50 is not that old. It depends on the frame of mind and the attitude of the person. Some people are old at 35. Some 70 year olds are as spry as a 30 year old.

Actress, Edie Falco, won an Emmy tonight and was congratulating her grandmom during her speech, for starting a new chapter in her life, moving from NY to FL at age 94.

I think it depends more on what your DH values and the type of person he is. Is he of the same mindset as you, in terms of wanting to be there for the grandkids later on? IS he the kind of person who will move heaven & earth, or literally make a move across country to be there for family, no matter how much it shakes him up?

Or is he the kind to prefer stability, move once, get comfortable, settle in, and prefer to just go visit for holidays & emergencies? How much will THIS move rattle him? If you don't think he will do well at this move, it will be a strong indicator on whether he will be able to move back.

Although, he would be moving BACK to familiar stomping grounds. It's not like you would be going to a third, completely new place. Sometimes, coming back home is wonderful.

 

[quasar4legs]

I probably wouldn't move away from my children but I love where I live and have all my extended near me so it would have to be a desperate situation for us to consider relocating.

My hubby is the same age as yours and we have one son at uni that still spends quite a bit of time with us. I treasure the time that I spend with my son and would miss him terribly if we moved away although I do realize that the day may come when he moves away for work, love etc. At the moment I would hate for my son to lose his 'home base', if that makes sense.

One of the things that I think you would need to consider carefully is how it will work out for your husband being employed by his SIL.

Sometimes working for family can be difficult and even though people can get on well socially the relationship changes when one person becomes the employee and the other the employer.

Good luck making the decision
Quasar

 

[NHdisneylover]

My parents moved from Colorado to Mexico (no not New Mexico--Mexico, about half way down on the west coast) about 2 years after I graduated college. DD (there first grandchild, I am an only child) was almost 1 at the time and we had lived 2 hours from them.

I did not take it at all personally.

Anyway, we have since moved around quite a lot too. DD13 has lived in five US states and we live in Germany now. She and DS11 have a decent but not super close relationship with my parents--but that is more because my parents do not make much effort.
On the other side of the family there are 5 grandkids. The other 3 live within an hour's drive of my in-laws. Every one involved (the kids, all the parents and the grandparents) will tell you my children have the closest relatio nship to my in laws of any of the grandkids in spite of all those miles. They make an effort to visit yearly and we visit when we can. We make sure the kids call often and use email a lot as well. The other kids (those who are near by) take it for granted and don't make much effort. The result is that my mother in law will tell you that in spite of attempts to talk to them too she probably speaks with my kids 3 times as much as the others and is MUCH more likely to know what is going on in their lives, etc.

Anyway, I think it is not so much the distance as what you (and your kids and their kids0 put into it. Also, even if you do not move, your children might and then you would not be living near your grandkids anyway.

 

[tvguy]

Have you figured in all the costs of moving? I just know and work with too many people who moved great distances for more money and found out it was a mistake for their personal lives.

 

[aprilgail2]

Personally I would not do it- in fact if my daughter moved and had a child/children I would move closer to her (not next door but driving distance!). My daughter has two grandparents, one close and one far- she has such a good relationship with the one close- she could never have that with one that she doesn't see all the time. I want to be the grandma that they can drop the grandkids off to for babysitting and be the babysitter during the day rather than daycare- couldn't do that if I wasn't close by!

 

[eliza61]

We need to recover toward retirement so our kids won't be supporting us. That's why we would do it. For a year or two might actually be good for our kids, causing them to become more independent. However, it would be hard for me not to be able to spend time with them after that. Initially it will be much harder on me then them.

There's your answer Tiggeroo,
Retirement is no joke, my mantra now (51) is to make as much money as humanely possible toward retirement. In todays environment where pensions are no longer guarenteed, who knows how SS will pan out and medical bills are only going to keep rising, you need to make an investment in YOUR future.

Todays world is easy to stay in touch. I know it's not the same as being there but you can do it.

Think of how much fun you can have with those future grandkids if you are not worrying about how to support yourself.

Right now my relatives live in NY, Washington and North carolina and I'm in South Jersey. We have a wonderful relationship and see each other a lot through the year. We stay in touch daily.

Lastly, what are you going to do if your kids move away from you? Are you going to follow them in order to be close to the grandkids? That may be hard to do if you don't have the financial resources.

bottom line: a few years sacrafice now while there are no grandbabies will pay off in more options later when they do come.
to be blunt, when you guys retire if there is no moola, there is no moving.

 

[treehugnmama]

I wouldn't. beeing close to my family is very important to me and trumps a lot of issues. I live on the same street as my parents and my kids have such a close relationship with my parents. Part of it is because they are awesome granparents and partly because they see them everyday....even if it is only for 15 minutes. We also have a set of grandparents a few hours away and my kids really don't know them that well at all.

you have to do what you have to do but I couldn;t

 

[The Mystery Machine]

Have you figured in all the costs of moving? I just know and work with too many people who moved great distances for more money and found out it was a mistake for their personal lives.

Agree there. We moved to TX from MO and moved back in 3yrs. There are major costs associated with moving on your own nickel.

The pay increase would have to be significant for the both of you.

If you are digging yourself out of debt, you probably will not be able to move back until you make yourself whole. And then if you are doing well you will stay because the opportunity of where you are at will never be where you are now.

So bottom line, have a serious REAL plan in place if you do want to move back. Lay it all out on a spreadsheet.

We found that the cost associated with living in TX was not conducive to paying off debt as the cost of living was higher in TX than MO.

I know you said "about the same" but that little difference can put you behind.

I am not even factoring in the kid aspect because to me that doesn't matter. I expect that my kids will move away. Maybe they won't but I am not going to be surprised if they do.

 

[Imzadi]

Have you figured in all the costs of moving? I just know and work with too many people who moved great distances for more money and found out it was a mistake for their personal lives.

I was thinking the same thing. If it's only for 3 years, do you have to sell your current home? You are in a great area. You could rent out your place, especially in the summers. Or turn it into a bed & breakfast, renting out by the week, depending on how big it is.

By keeping your home, it forces you to have to move back later. Of course, the risk is that you might want to stay where you've moved to, or your kids have moved away, and you would have to come back just to sell the house. But, the housing market may be up in 3 years time.

 

[Belle2667]

DH and I have a similar discussion often. He wants to move south at retirement time. He hates the winter season. I don't want to move away from my kids, though if my kids moved away from me, I'd be fine with that as they need to do what is best for their families. (Actually, leaving my parents, I think, would be harder than leaving my kids.)

I am starting to realize that I only live once, my first loyalty is to my DH, and if the choice was made to move south, I would honor him and enjoy my life with him and no regrets. With today's technologies, keeping in touch is literally at your fingertips 24 x 7. Plus, we could be a vacation destination for our kids & grandkids and they could be our vacation destination as well.

There are benefits to both staying and going. Create a pro and con list and decide from there.

 

[Mimi1965]

I always swore I wouldn't do this. However, the economy of the past two years have been tough. Dh is back to work but it's with a pay cut.

Sis wants us to move by her and help her with a business venture.

This would pay us well.

This stood out in your post, more than your question.
In this economy I would not go into a NEW business venture

I attended a seminar last week, and the talk with everyone in these very established small busnesses is how to make just payroll-nevermind profit.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

This stood out in your post, more than your question.
In this economy I would not go into a NEW business venture

I attended a seminar last week, and the talk with everyone in these very established small busnesses is how to make just payroll-nevermind profit.

Good point.

Right now SIL might be blowing smoke to snag you to come down. How does she know how much she is going to make or could pay your DH?

 

[RayaniFoxmur]

I do think that you should follow your heart. If your heart is saying "I need to do this" than do it. If not, than stay.

However, have you considered the possibility that after your young adults are done with schooling they may move away from you? I lived within 40 miles of my mother for 8 years after turning 18 (save for 6 months) and two years ago we picked up and moved to Florida, 18 hours away. It's been an adjustment, as I've only seen my mom once in a year and a half but we still have an excellent relationship over the phone and e-mail and she's coming to visit at the end of September.

Even if you move away you can still have a great relationship with your children and future grandchildren. One of my fondest memories as a child was going to visit my grandma and grandpa in Kansas City and then Cincinnati when they moved. We saw them at least once a year if not twice and I remember just idolizing my grandparents, loving them to pieces. And they loved me the same way.