Would You Keep "Fibbing?"

[froglady]

My niece is getting married next October, in New England. My mother lives in a senior highrise, here in Florida, about a mile away. She's 84, and for a variety of reasons cannot go alone. She has multiple medical problems, uses a walker with difficulty (VERY slow), is "absent minded" and is also incontinent of urine.

She keeps asking about going to the wedding, and has told DB that she will be there "even if I have to crawl." I keep avoiding the issue and tell her that it's a long way off and we'll make plans closer to the date.

Quite frankly, I can't see anything but disaster if we try. Without going into specific details, I'm having a hard enough time keeping things under control in her home; I don't want to imagine trying to keep her clean and dry in a hotel. My sibs all live in houses built on hills with multilevels, including entrances, so we can't stay with relatives. It HAS to be somewhere that is accessible.

My gut feeling is to continue to act as though she will be there until it's time to actually make travel arrangements, and that this is one of those times when a little white lie is OK.

 

[Beth76]

So you think it's better to have her looking forward to going for a whole year before shooting her down?

 

[Tigger&Belle]

to you and your mom. What a tough situation for you. I'm torn. part of me understands some of what you must be going through and think your decision is a good one, but another part of me thinks that you should either do whatever you can to make this happen for your mom, even if it means hiring someone to go and help you out. Or at least leveling with her now about how difficult it would be for her to go. I guess I think you should do one of the last suggestions.

Watching our parents age is such a tough thing (my mom is about the same age--82yo) and my heart goes out to you!

 

[Kermit]

That's a tough one. My grandmother is also unable to travel due to medical problems, but at least she forgets things really easily, so she's unable to look forward to things like that.

Can you tell her that there isn't anywhere to stay that she would be able to get around well? My grandmother is more understanding when we tell her that people she's visiting only have bathrooms that are upstairs, since she knows she can't do stairs.

 

[DawnCt1]

If, at 84, this is what she is looking forward to, enlist the assistance of all of your siblings and make it happen! It's all doable. A wheelchair, Depends, a walker, whatever. Yeah, its wrong to lie about it. Its also cruel.

 

[Marseeya]

I think T&B came up with a good solution of hiring someone to help you out. It's a tough situation, but I think it's wrong to lie to your DM.

Edited to add: I don't mean to sound judgmental about the lie! I still lie to my mom all the time about stupid things, but I wouldn't lie about something like that... I'd be afraid she'd be so disappointed.

 

[bajanswife]

I'd be diplomatically honest and tell her that the family would absolutely love to have her there for the wedding, but it's still a year away and a lot can happen in that time, so everyone will do what they can to make it happen, but no guarantees.

ETA: it's honest in spirit (you'd love her there if not for the issues, right?), and it gives you an "out" if you really cannot manage it when the time comes.

 

[minkydog]

If, at 84, this is what she is looking forward to, enlist the assistance of all of your siblings and make it happen! It's all doable. A wheelchair, Depends, a walker, whatever. Yeah, its wrong to lie about it. Its also cruel.

I'm with you, Dawn. As the mother of a mentally handicapped, diaper-wearing, 100lb head-strong child I deal with this kind of thing all the time. We've even gone to WDW with oxygen. I never say never.

OP--I think you and your sibs need to brain-storm ways to make this happen. If grandma wants to go, then fly with her, transport her in a wheelchair, stay in a hotel with handicapped accessibility. Instead of dwelling on all the reasons to not do it, think outside the box. THEN, if it absolutely cannot be done, tell her the truth. But you need to have explored it some before just deciding against it. You don't want your precious mom to feel like she's "too much trouble" or a burden. If my mom wanted to go, I would break my neck to get her there.

 

[Sandy V.]

No, I wouldn't lie about it. I also think hiring someone is a good idea to help you transport her is a good idea. It sounds like she's really looking forward to this.

My 81 year old FIL is a quadrepalegic, is heavy (over 200 pounds), and is in a nursing home in Nebraska because my MIL can no longer care for him. A little over a year ago, in a phone conversation, either my DH or I (we don't know who!) said to my MIL, "It's too bad that Dad can't come out and visit." Well, she somehow took that to mean that we wanted him to come to Colorado, come h*** or high water!

So . . . they somehow got him on a little puddle jumper plane (scraped his arm up in the process), we rented a handicap van, hospital bed, urinal chair, etc. and he came and visited us for the weekend. He even made it to our teens' soccer and baseball games. It was absolutely EXHAUSTING (it took 5 of us to move him from bed to wheelchair, etc.), but we did it!! I feel good that it happened. I think the kids hopefully learned a few things about family and compassion that weekend. I know I did.

Hugs to you; I hope it all works out for the best.

 

[disykat]

I don't think you are lying or even fibbing. Avoiding the issue until it is time to make the arrangements is fine IMO. You don't want to make promises you can't keep. I think keeping a wait and see attitude is the right thing. Just reassure you that you know she's looking forward to it and you'll wait to make plans when the time comes.

My aunt is in a similar situation. She just missed her grandson's wedding. They made plans and changed them with each health issue that arrived. She's had a really rough couple of months so each issue meant arranging more help, making different travel arrangements, etc. When it came right down to it, she just wasn't healthy enough to travel at the time so she missed it. They will watch the video and have a special reception with family in her town. Hopefully she'll be able to enjoy that.

My grandmother missed my wedding due to travel issues as well. She and her friends got dressed up and watched the video at her retirement home. Fortunately for us she was the one who made the decision that she couldn't travel, so she didn't hold it against us. The nurses made a big fuss too and I really feel like she was a "participant" even though she was 2000 miles away.

I wouldn't rule out taking her, just play it by ear and see if it's feasible. I don't think waiting to make that decision is lying.

 

[Disney Doll]

Well, let's take this piece by piece.

She uses a walker but walks is slow. Well, how about making one of the conditions that she has to agree to use a wheelchair during those times where a lot of walking will be a factor? That would speed things up when necessary (I am thinking through the airports etc).

Keeping her clean & dry in a hotel...why is it any different than at home? They have soap and water in hotels. If you are going to be in an area where you have family, ask them to look into the most easily accessible hotel in the area. Ask them to purchase the things you'd think you might need in advance, such as disposable incontinent pads for the bed, enough Depends to last through the length of the trip, extra underwear so you don't have to pack as much, perhaps extra towels and washcloths or disposable wipes.

Multiple medical problems...well I would assume that there are hospitals in the area where you will be travelling to, so if God forbid something happened, it could be handled.

"Absent-minded"...well, since she's not going to be left alone on this trip in a strange place, I'm not sure what difference that makes.

I also like the suggesiton of hiring someone to accompany you.

I don't like the "little white lie" method. You won't want someone to do that to you when you're older, so don't do it to her.

I agree that it will be a considerable amount of work for you, but perhaps it's one thing that she can really look forward to.

And before you ask, yes I have travelled with people who needed a considerable amount of assistance. It is not easy, but it can be done, and the rewards are great. The trips I took with my in-laws, who were not in the best of health, requiring wheelchairs etc, are some of my fondest memories, especially now that they are gone.

 

[phorsenuf]

Well, if its a year away but its something she's so looking forward to, I would find a way to make it happen. Plenty of people with multiple medical problems travel all the time.

It seems as if this is very important to her and I would certainly try to find a way to make it happen. Yes, it may be an inconvenience to you, but my goodness she is 84 and probably feels that this is the last time she may see her entire family before she passes. Perhaps thats one of the reasons this trip is important to her.

 

[Rajah]

If, at 84, this is what she is looking forward to, enlist the assistance of all of your siblings and make it happen! It's all doable. A wheelchair, Depends, a walker, whatever. Yeah, its wrong to lie about it. Its also cruel.

 

[helenabear]

Well, if its a year away but its something she's so looking forward to, I would find a way to make it happen. Plenty of people with multiple medical problems travel all the time.

It seems as if this is very important to her and I would certainly try to find a way to make it happen. Yes, it may be an inconvenience to you, but my goodness she is 84 and probably feels that this is the last time she may see her entire family before she passes. Perhaps thats one of the reasons this trip is important to her.

I totally agree!

 

[experiment626mom]

You need to make this happen. How many more family get togethers do your think your mother has?

My mom is 80 and certainly has her share of problems and she gets to family things as much as we can get her to.

 

[disykat]

Wow - I guess I'm the lonely only who thinks that not making long-range plans or promises is wise. The wedding is a year away. Who knows what her health will be like. Since I'm alone, I'm going to repeat my thoughts so the OP doesn't feel so alone. Not making promises and waiting to make plans is not lying IMO - it's smart. As the time comes closer, then you can talk to her, her doctors and to all your siblings and make a decision.

 

[Lisa F]

My husband's grandma who was about the same age came up from florida to NY for our wedding a few weeks after her quadruple bypass surgery. At the time she was also on dialysis and arrangements had to be made for that as well. She was in a wheelchair most of the time but with the help of her strapping sons and grandsons, she was hauled out of it for a few dances even if they were mostly holding her up and she could just about handle standing there and swaying just a little bit. She wasn't even my grandmother by birth but she was there to give me a kiss on the cheek and welcome me to the family.

She died about 2 years later. I am ETERNALLY grateful that this wonderful woman was able to attend my wedding and that her family was of the attitude that they would do what it took to get her there. I loved her like my own grandmother. I prayed with her family when she was having the bypass surgery that she would come through it okay. I rejoiced with her family when the doctor gave the OK for her to come. I had my hair stylist and makeup artist go to her hotel room to help her feel pretty again for the first time in lord knows how long. Not only would she have crawled on her knees to make it to the wedding but I would have crawled on my knees to meet her halfway if that's what it took for her to be there on the day that her family became my family too.

So, I guess you could say that I think your plan to lie to her and then disappoint her by not helping her get to the wedding of her granddaughter stinks (to put it mildly). You don't know how much time she has left. IMO you should be doing everything you can to make each moment count, and that's what I'd tell her if I were you. "Yes, mom, we will do everything we can to get you to that wedding."

 

[froglady]

Thank you for your suggestions. I really only have one SIL who will be able to help in any way, but as long as her health is OK (she had an episode of lungs collapsing last year, then had a near fatal reaction to one of the medications) I can depend upon her to get chux, depends, etc. My plan was to ship everything up.

The problem is that I will not be able to stay with that SIL, and the wedding is in another state, so she'll be travelling also. The SIL who is the MOB has not visited my mother in 20 years. My niece, bless her heart, made time to visit her when she and her fiance were travelling through last year, so that's the main reason my mother wants to go so badly.

My concerns are with dealing with the wet sheets, etc. Should I really expect the housekeeper to deal with them? They are REALLY stinky; I have to air the car out after I transport them. (And yes, mom has rubber sheets at home, BUT she just can't tolerate the rubber pants at night, so she sometimes floods the bed when the depends get oversaturated.) And I'll be honest; despite my best efforts, Mom does have an aroma. As soon as she "uses" the depends, it starts. It's not too noticable in public, but cooped up in a plane is a different issue. I'm concerned about remarks from others that might hurt her feelings.

Yes, there are hospitals, but she has a fairly complex medical situation, and she can be "knocked" out of whack by well-meaning doctors who don't "know" her. (I can laugh in retrospect, but it wasn't funny at the time.) I'm afraid that she would end up in a nursing home 1,000+ miles away with no family member who has the time, knowledge, or desire to watch over her, or I would have to deal with transporting her back here via medivac.

I hate to say it, but my brothers have enough trouble taking care of themselves or their difficult children. And only one SIL is of any assistance, so I'm pretty much it.

And yes, I have tried to discuss the difficulties of travelling with her. She just changes the subject.

 

[Tigger&Belle]

Maybe hiring someone to help out would be the best option. You've obviously thought through what it would take to get her there, so you are considering it. Someone to help with the day to day care of her so you wouldn't have to do it all.

 

[Microcell]

One of my DH's grandma's last time out of the nursing home was to go to our wedding, and she was very forgetful and in a wheelcahir, but she was so happy to be there! She got an actual false memory in her head that she got birdseed in my mouth, and thought she did'nt know my name, she would "remember" that every time we saw her after that, and was so tickled by it.

I hope you can try to get her there.