Would you attempt to get involved?

[tammymacb]

First, though I will get flamed for this statement, I must give a preface. My mother comes from a long line of poor parenting. Abusive ( verbally, and physically ) strange relationships that I just * don't get * I've made the conscious decision to have nothing to do with her side of the family. Besides a generic Christmas card I have nothing to do with my maternal grandmother or her 4 ( other- besides my mother ) daughters or their families.

My sister ( who I talk to daily ) is close to one of our cousins. "Sue" is almost exactly my sister's age. I remember as a child that Sue would show up at our house to "stay a while". I didn't know it as a child but this was often during one of my Aunt's drinking binges when she was unable to take care of Sue at all. I remember one Christmas in elementary school when Sue turned up and the parents ran out to do shopping for her as we'd have her through the holidays and she didn't have a single gift.

Through some sort of miracle, Sue grew up to be a nice, normal, loving mother to a couple children. Along the way, my Aunt had 3 other children. Two boys who may or may not be in jail, and a daughter who had her first child at 15 and is a drug addict now. My aunt is young ( late 50s maybe? ) but in a county nursing home because of COPD and ( my guess is ) liver failure.

Aaaaagain....I saw no reason at all to get involved with this family. The live about 6 hours away by car.

So, last night I'm talking to my sister. She's mentioning how she talked to Sue, who is worried to death about "Jane"s daughter. Jane is the ( now 24 ) year old drug addict with a 9 year old daughter. Sue would like to take custody of Jane's child. She knows the child has no support ( remember, mother is a drug addict, father ...who knows, was probably another 15 year old, all I know is loser, GM is in a nursing home, I'm not sure who Jane's father is...uncles are drug addicts maybe in jail ) ...Jane and her child ( we'll call her Mary ) live on the east coast. Sue lives waaaaay far away. Up in the Rockies. Jane won't allow Sue to take her child even though she does not care for her. ( Apparently Jane had another child after Mary, but the court gave that child to her bio father and she's taken care of )

Currently the family is waiting to see if Jane is going to be arrested for larceny. Apparently that's what Sue is hoping for. She's hoping Jane will lose custody of Mary and then she can try to give the child a normal, decent home...

And here's where we come in. Though I've never gotten involved in the past, I too feel really bad for Mary. The kid has nothing. I'm lucky, have a beautiful home, a good job. We travel. We have disposable income. Now, I'm not saying I want to take Mary long term. But, until ( hopefully ) she can end up with Sue, I'd like to do some things for her. Send her presents ( clothes etc, nothing her mother can sell ) Maybe take her to Disney or Hilton Head with us and show her what life can be like.

But I don't know Mary. And I haven't seen Jane since she was a baby. AND, I don't want to get involved in the drug manipulation I can see in my future if any kindness is thrown in Jane's direction..( I need money to pay rent, buy food ( drugs, booze ) etc etc.

Is this even something you'd consider? Or would you leave well enough alone?

 

[MickeySP]

I would go by Sue's lead. Offer your assistance to Sue if events unfold like she thinks.

I would not make a preemptive strike, like you said you may get dragged into drama. Drug addicts are manipulative and won't hesitate to use her own DD.

 

[Wishing on a star]

Do you live close to the child???
Would the child's mother even allow you to take the child???

I know it is heartbreaking to hear about this girl's situation.
But, in reality, from what we know from your post.
I don't know if it would be a good idea to get involved.
eta: as the above poster said, do NOT underestimate the actions and the effects of anyone who is involved with drugs.
They WILL drag you in and drag you down.

It sounds as if Sue is the one who has been privy/involved with all of this...
I would let it stay that way.

I think the best bet might be to support Sue in any efforts that she can make.

 

[DVCLiz]

First, though I will get flamed for this statement, I must give a preface. My mother comes from a long line of poor parenting. Abusive ( verbally, and physically ) strange relationships that I just * don't get * I've made the conscious decision to have nothing to do with her side of the family. Besides a generic Christmas card I have nothing to do with my maternal grandmother or her 4 ( other- besides my mother ) daughters or their families.

My sister ( who I talk to daily ) is close to one of our cousins. "Sue" is almost exactly my sister's age. I remember as a child that Sue would show up at our house to "stay a while". I didn't know it as a child but this was often during one of my Aunt's drinking binges when she was unable to take care of Sue at all. I remember one Christmas in elementary school when Sue turned up and the parents ran out to do shopping for her as we'd have her through the holidays and she didn't have a single gift.

Through some sort of miracle, Sue grew up to be a nice, normal, loving mother to a couple children. Along the way, my Aunt had 3 other children. Two boys who may or may not be in jail, and a daughter who had her first child at 15 and is a drug addict now. My aunt is young ( late 50s maybe? ) but in a county nursing home because of COPD and ( my guess is ) liver failure.

Aaaaagain....I saw no reason at all to get involved with this family. The live about 6 hours away by car.

So, last night I'm talking to my sister. She's mentioning how she talked to Sue, who is worried to death about "Jane"s daughter. Jane is the ( now 24 ) year old drug addict with a 9 year old daughter. Sue would like to take custody of Jane's child. She knows the child has no support ( remember, mother is a drug addict, father ...who knows, was probably another 15 year old, all I know is loser, GM is in a nursing home, I'm not sure who Jane's father is...uncles are drug addicts maybe in jail ) ...Jane and her child ( we'll call her Mary ) live on the east coast. Sue lives waaaaay far away. Up in the Rockies. Jane won't allow Sue to take her child even though she does not care for her. ( Apparently Jane had another child after Mary, but the court gave that child to her bio father and she's taken care of )

Currently the family is waiting to see if Jane is going to be arrested for larceny. Apparently that's what Sue is hoping for. She's hoping Jane will lose custody of Mary and then she can try to give the child a normal, decent home...

And here's where we come in. Though I've never gotten involved in the past, I too feel really bad for Mary. The kid has nothing. I'm lucky, have a beautiful home, a good job. We travel. We have disposable income. Now, I'm not saying I want to take Mary long term. But, until ( hopefully ) she can end up with Sue, I'd like to do some things for her. Send her presents ( clothes etc, nothing her mother can sell ) Maybe take her to Disney or Hilton Head with us and show her what life can be like.

But I don't know Mary. And I haven't seen Jane since she was a baby. AND, I don't want to get involved in the drug manipulation I can see in my future if any kindness is thrown in Jane's direction..( I need money to pay rent, buy food ( drugs, booze ) etc etc.

Is this even something you'd consider? Or would you leave well enough alone?

I would totally leave well enough alone. Find out what social service agency/ies are involved and if you feel like making a contribution for the girl to have some clothing or gifts do it through that agency.

Otherwise you are setting yourself up to be a foster parent permanently. Once you got involved, could you really send her back into that situation? I don't think I could.

 

[gator75]

you aren't going to get any flames here, but i would advise you to stay away from the whole mess if possible. You could by accident go down a road you want no part of , and this type of situation is just begging to suck you in.

 

[tammymacb]

Do you live close to the child???
Would the child's mother even allow you to take the child???

I live 6 hours from her. I'm not talking about taking her home. Often when I go to WDW and HHI it's with my family and my sister's family ( the sister who is close to Sue ) I think Mary would be allowed to go with my sister, I'd probably be the one who offered to pay her way. I'm not talking about bringing her home with me. I can't imagine even her crappy mother would allow that. Since she won't let her go with Sue.

 

[Cheshire Figment]

I have two thoughts about this, and both involve "stay out of it" at least for a while.

1. Your comment about sending gifts to Mary, such as clothes that cannot be sold - anything can be sold; probably for less than 10% of cost but it still can be converted to cash or drugs.

2. If Jane will not let Sue do anything, why would she allow you to take Mary out of state?

 

[Wishing on a star]

Six hours....

I really don't see how much you can do from a distance.

I would not be the one to take any initiative.

As I said, if others, who actually know these people, are able to step forward, you should do what you can from behind the scenes.

Sorry, but I really don't see anything but stress, heartbreak, drama, etc...
People like this (until they, themselves, decide to turn their lives around) are abusers and takers.
No question about it.
Even organizations that help immediate families (mothers, spouses, etc) of these addicts/personality types do not recommend that loved ones involve themselves.
That is the sad reality.

 

[MissElizabeth]

I'd be very wary of taking a girl raised by a drug addict anywhere. I feel for her, and think your family as a whole should make a push to get her from her mother's custody, but be aware that you may be bringing a girl who was not raised with morals, manners, etc., with your family on vacation. I'd want to know her first before taking her on a trip.

 

[snowywhite89]

I agree with "follow Sue's lead". Help Sue get custody of Mary and then help Sue raise Mary.

 

[MickeySP]

I live 6 hours from her. I'm not talking about taking her home. Often when I go to WDW and HHI it's with my family and my sister's family ( the sister who is close to Sue ) I think Mary would be allowed to go with my sister, I'd probably be the one who offered to pay her way. I'm not talking about bringing her home with me. I can't imagine even her crappy mother would allow that. Since she won't let her go with Sue.

She is a drug addict first, mother is way down on her list. She may try to trade her DD's time for something. You want her, you need to.......(fill in the blank)

Addicts are a different animal. I would maybe make the offer but you need to be prepared to walk away if it happens.

Could you also return her if she is crying & begging to stay with you guys? You REALLY need to be prepared to walk away or jump into the pool.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

"The road to hell is paved with good intentions". I think this anecdote applies here.

Since you know off the bat that you do not want long term involvement I would not "get involved" in that intimate of a manner. Not only are there legal matters here but their are probably emotional scarring that you are unprepared for. Plus the ties to family will make this horrific for you. Once you learn "truths" you cannot go back.

I would say if and when your sister gets custody of this child then I would offer support at that time.

 

[cm8]

I live 6 hours from her. I'm not talking about taking her home. Often when I go to WDW and HHI it's with my family and my sister's family ( the sister who is close to Sue ) I think Mary would be allowed to go with my sister, I'd probably be the one who offered to pay her way. I'm not talking about bringing her home with me. I can't imagine even her crappy mother would allow that. Since she won't let her go with Sue.

All you can do is try. Try to get in contact with your cousin and see what you can assist her with. Jane? may be willing to let you have that contact with her daughter Mary as she would "think" that you are not out to "judge" her but offer her help in ways she did not consider. My guess is that she knows she is not a great parent, but she does not like it being thrown in her face.

No flames here, I am a GAL and the way some of the parents think have amazed me half the time. I hope that the little girl gets the protection that she needs and has someone in her life to help her get through all the difficult times. I disagree with leaving it alone and MYOB, you and your family may be the very thing that save this young girls life.

 

[luvsJack]

I agree with cm8. I think it is wonderful of you to want to reach out to the little girl and show her a different way of life. It may be the very thing that helps her to see she doesn't want the same life as her mother.

I would also contact Sue and find out just what she thinks you can do for the child. I hope that Sue will get custody of this child soon. Its probably not really right to hope for someone to be arrested, but sounds like it may be the best thing for this child.

 

[Liberty Belle]

I'd be very wary of taking a girl raised by a drug addict anywhere. I feel for her, and think your family as a whole should make a push to get her from her mother's custody, but be aware that you may be bringing a girl who was not raised with morals, manners, etc., with your family on vacation. I'd want to know her first before taking her on a trip.

Wow. If OP is inclined to give this little girl a chance to spend some time on vacation, as she never has before, I doubt she's worried about her using the wrong fork at dinner.

 

[MickeySP]

Wow. If OP is inclined to give this little girl a chance to spend some time on vacation, as she never has before, I doubt she's worried about her using the wrong fork at dinner.

Lest we forget the child in question is only 9, she deserves a chance but all parties need to know the landmines Mom may throw out.

BTW OP - I really commend you and all your family members for even getting involved.

I don't know why you should get flamed at all

 

[Wishing on a star]

Nobody is flaming the OP at all.
Not one tiny bit.
She sounds like a very caring person, with the very best of intentions!!!

What we are doing is stating the unfortunate truth.

As long as the mother has custody of this girl, then no good can come of this.

As long as the girl's mother is involved, there can only be a devastating emotional toll, and yes, there is the risk of being the victim of manipulation, theft, etc.

The OP does not even know these people.
They are virtual strangers.
We don't even know that they live in the same state.
There is a HUGE potential for damage to the OP and her family here.
There is just no way that it would be advisable to take this other person's child out of state.

If Sue knows them, and is following the situation, and is in a position to help, the best and most effective way for the OP to help is to support Sue.

 

[MickeySP]

Nobody is flaming the OP at all.
Not one tiny bit.
She sounds like a very caring person, with the very best of intentions!!!

What we are doing is stating the unfortunate truth.

As long as the mother has custody of this girl, then no good can come of this.

As long as the girl's mother is involved, there can only be a devastating emotional toll, and yes, there is the risk of being the victim of manipulation, theft, etc.

The OP does not even know these people.
They are virtual strangers.
We don't even know that they live in the same state.
There is a HUGE potential for damage to the OP and her family here.
There is just no way that it would be advisable to take this other person's child out of state.

If Sue knows them, and is following the situation, and is in a position to help, the best and most effective way for the OP to help is to support Sue.

I am not sure but confused if this was addressed to me or a PP?

If me then I think you misread my posts, if not nevermind

 

[3 MEN AND A BOAT]

My family is going through a very simlar situation. My 1st cousin(mom's sister's daughter), has 2 girls, the oldest(9) whose dad died about 8 yrs ago so they recieve benefits; the 2nd daughter is only 10weeks old and was born with meth in her system. The doctors upon this discovery informed social services who intern appointed temporary custody to my aunt, her daughter and the dad are furious and cause all kinds of drama. They tell the 9yr to come stay with them, causing the grandma to be the bad-guy for telling her she can't. After the baby was born "THE EGG AND SPERM DONORS" sold all the baby items, even those from the shower. They made the statement that they did not have a child so these items were not needed. They refuse to give the grandma any financial assistance, neither one works, they live off of the system, but they claimed to have spent extravagently on christmas, because as they put it, the oldest has never had a good christmas. I'm sorry but sometimes food, diapers, and other essentials should take precedence over toys, besides we spoiled them rotton. They only come for a visit maybe 1-3 times a week for 30 mins, they only live 15mins away. They continue to comment that they are now grandparents, they can spoil the kids and leave. They have said they are going to get the children back and we will never see them(children) again. They intentionnally say things to hurt, aggrivate, and annoy different family members, although they don't say them directly to myself, my brother, or his wife; simply because it would turn physical and they know this. Before all this happened they were caught stealing from members of the family.

My entire family has undertaken the responsibilty of care for these 2 girls, we all see that they are cared for and loved.

It's hard to take a child into your family/home knowing that it is only temporary, and that one day the child you have grown to love maybe gone.

I dont' see an alternative to my situation with them being not only so closely related to me, but also my aunt lives just across the street.

Just prepare yourself for the heartbreak that could follow.

Paul