Would you allow your high school aged DD/DS to do this?

[golfgal]

Allowing a weekend trip to the beach is NOT telling your child it is okay to have sex anymore than allowing your child to go to a party is telling them it is okay to drink.
You can approve travelling and you can approve a party without approving sex or drinking. IF the party is a kegger and drinking is the purpose of the party, or the trip is to a hotel with mirrors on the ceiling THEN those are the messages you are sending. Allowing a trip in general though simply implies allowing TRAVEL. At least in my book.


Nope==the purpose is to be wherever the trip is to with your boyfriend. Alone is easy to achieve without spending the time and money to go away.


Are teens really stupid enough to think a VACATION is representative of real life??? Mine kids aren't. They know vacations are loads more fun than the day to day grind and they are only 11 and 13.

Are you really naive enough to think that a teenager going away with her boyfriend doesn't look at it like an adult weekend???

 

[Mouse House Mama]

Allowing a weekend trip to the beach is NOT telling your child it is okay to have sex anymore than allowing your child to go to a party is telling them it is okay to drink.
You can approve travelling and you can approve a party without approving sex or drinking. IF the party is a kegger and drinking is the purpose of the party, or the trip is to a hotel with mirrors on the ceiling THEN those are the messages you are sending. Allowing a trip in general though simply implies allowing TRAVEL. At least in my book.


Nope==the purpose is to be wherever the trip is to with your boyfriend. Alone is easy to achieve without spending the time and money to go away.


Are teens really stupid enough to think a VACATION is representative of real life??? Mine kids aren't. They know vacations are loads more fun than the day to day grind and they are only 11 and 13.

Give them a few more years and see what you say. A 17 year old vacationing with their boyfriend is playing house. Not making sandcastles on their beach vacation.

 

[NHdisneylover]

Are you really naive enough to think that a teenager going away with her boyfriend doesn't look at it like an adult weekend???

I am not naive enough to think that teens who want to have sex will refrain from doing so whether they go away together or not

I went on several trips with two different boyfriends as a teen. Yes, we felt rather grown up travelling--though I had already traveled some completely on my own when coming home from a year as an exchange student (taking the train across Spain, staying overnight in a hotel, getting through customs in NYC and making two other connections before getting home) as well as numerous other smaller trips, so nothing we did seemed like a BIG deal to me.
I KNOW (because it was ME) that I was NOT thinking of those trips primarily as a means to have sex. That was not the point AT ALL. A couple of the trips involved camping and I just felt safer with a guy along. Going to LA I was excited to have someone who had been before to show me Disneyland and to swing dance at some Rockabilly clubs we had heard of. THOSE were the focus of our trip--doing things together that we could not do at home. Seriously, there are teens out there who enjoy things other than sex

 

[NHdisneylover]

[/B]
Give them a few more years and see what you say. A 17 year old vacationing with their boyfriend is playing house. Not making sandcastles on their beach vacation.

Maybe. Again, I traveled with boyfriends. I did not see our trips as representative of real life together at all. I saw them as vacations.

 

[queenb123]

I said NO! being that I was a mother at 17 I am very protective over giving my children the freedom that I had, that obviously didn't turn out in the best way. Going away at 17 (and my son is 17) is just not acceptable to me. The fact that she is on birth control may indicate that they are already sexualy active. If not a weekend away in my eyes will seal the deal. Those are things adults do, it is playing house and sooner you let them do it for recreation the sooner they think it is ok everyday. Also who is paying for this "getaway"? Sorry not paying for my kid to do adult things. When they are adults they can play house all they want

 

[MELSMICE]

IT'S NOT ABOUT HAVING SEX, it is about a parent CONDONING the action. It is VERY different if two teenagers decide to have sex in the back seat of a car then it is having two teenagers drive off into the sunset with their parents total consent, condoms and spending money in pocket.

Completely agree!

Allowing a weekend trip to the beach is NOT telling your child it is okay to have sex anymore than allowing your child to go to a party is telling them it is okay to drink.
You can approve travelling and you can approve a party without approving sex or drinking. IF the party is a kegger and drinking is the purpose of the party, or the trip is to a hotel with mirrors on the ceiling THEN those are the messages you are sending. Allowing a trip in general though simply implies allowing TRAVEL. At least in my book.


Nope==the purpose is to be wherever the trip is to with your boyfriend. Alone is easy to achieve without spending the time and money to go away.


Are teens really stupid enough to think a VACATION is representative of real life??? Mine kids aren't. They know vacations are loads more fun than the day to day grind and they are only 11 and 13.

Yeah............they are!

What do people think is really going to happen if BF/GF's go away for the weekend together. 99.9% of the time they are going to have sex. It is naive to think that they are not.

I have another question...........My neighbor's son is going away to college in 2 weeks (actually to the same college as one of my DD's). He went away this summer with a friend on a vacation 13 hours away - they drove themselves.

She is beside herself because he has done nothing to get ready for college. He has not organized anything, etc. Her DH keeps telling her to let him take care of it. She is so stressed out that she is having muscle spasms in her back. She does everything for her sons. He has some "life experience", but is he really ready to go away to college? She finally caved & ordered his books for him yesterday because she couldn't stand that he wasn't taking care of it.

 

[grafxgirl]

I grew up in a house with parents who were very open to us discussing anything with them. When I was 16, I went on birth control because I knew with my boyfriend at the time, things were going to happen. I stayed at his house, he stayed at our house, he and I took vacations together with and without our families. We were both responsible teens, so I guess that can really make a difference in how parents treat their kids. Our parents knew we were going to most likely be sexually active one way or another if we chose to do so. They figured the best thing they could do for us was be open and honest with us and teach us how to be responsible about it and the consequences. Let me say, they had 4 kids. None of us ended up pregnant or with STD's. I feel it is because we didn't feel the need to sneak around or hide anything from them out of fear, shame or guilt.

I plan on having that same kind of relationship with my two kids as they become teens.

 

[MrsPete]

It is about trust.

Then we'll have to disagree on that one because -- for me -- that's not the question at all. Except for running my car into someone else's bumper, she really hasn't done anything in high school to disappoint me. She's given me no reason not to trust her.

You spoke about not letting them be in a situation where they could get into trouble, and I understand that. What parents wants their children in that position. But if the child is about to go to college how are they going to deal with situations if they have no experience at all?

I didn't say I wouldn't let her go into situations in which she could get into trouble. I've allowed her to go on overnight trips with student council, and I've let her stay at school literally all night long decorating for a dance -- and if she were of a mind to have sex or drink, it certainly could've happened on those trips -- but that doesn't mean I'd put my stamp of approval on THIS PARTICULAR activity. She actually has a great deal of freedom, and I know for a fact she's been in situations where she had the option to do things of which I wouldn't approve (i.e., drinking). Thusfar, she's made good decisions, and I'm proud of her. But a weekend away is a big, big step -- it's not on the same level as allowing her to go to a party where there might be drinking.

The choice is not "give your child complete freedom" or "you don't trust her at all". You give them age-appropriate freedoms as they grow up.

While this really doesn't have much to do with the topic at hand, I see many times people have this confidence in their kids because they only hang out with "good church kids" and they will never have any of the problems other kids have.

Yeah, anytime you say, "My kid will never ____ because ____", you're fooling yourself. (And that includes saying, "My kid will have no trouble adjusting to college because I allowed him plenty of freedom in high school.") You have to stay vigilant.

In my experience & now having a niece that recently completed college & a nephew that is in college it's the "kids" that had all the no, no, nos that went 100% wild in college.

In my experience, it's hard to predict who's going to go 100% wild in college. I saw people "make it" in college who came from very strict homes, and I saw people from very strict homes who did just what you're describing. And I saw people who were absolutely hog-wild every single weekend, but who knew that Monday-Friday were for the books (saw LOTS of those when I lived in an honors dorm).

I think the biggest differences are the student's emotional maturity and their commitment to earning a degree. The student whose parents have JUST SAID no, no, no without any discussion are probably more likely to be unprepared; whereas, a student whose parents talked him through the whys and why nots /consequences of various decisions are more likely to be prepared to think through those decisions on their own.

I went to a college rather near my home, so I went with a good number of my high school friends. If you'd lined us up in order of likelihood to graduate, I'd have been on the far end. I was the kid you'd have said wouldn't make it: No parental support, serious financial problems, little exposure to the world, uncertain career plans, and I'd come from a po-dunk country high school regarded highly only for its agricultural program (well, that wouldn't really come into play since I'm talking about those of us who all graduated from the same high school). Anyway, you would've said that I was the kid who wasn't going to make it. Wanna guess who, out of all of us, became the shining star in college?

Being prepared for college is a multi-fauceted thing, and it doesn't all boil down to whether you allowed them to go away for a weekend or not.

To me it is about playing house. I am not encouraging my high schooler to play house with anyone. The whole romanticized version of adult life. Sex is not even the issue because that can happen anytime. The whole pretending they are actual adults when in reality they have no idea what it is really like to be an adult. No beach weekend is going to teach that and I do not want to make marriage seem like one big beach weekend. I have no desire for my kids to get crazy marriage/permanent relationship ideas as a teen. They need to experience life in the real world first. YMMV.

This is very close to my opinion. It skirts right up to the issues of teen sex and trusting your child, but the main point is that it's an adult privledge for which a high schooler isn't ready.

I grew up in a house with parents who were very open to us discussing anything with them . . . Let me say, they had 4 kids. None of us ended up pregnant or with STD's. I feel it is because we didn't feel the need to sneak around or hide anything from them out of fear, shame or guilt.

And I grew up in a house that was just the opposite. There were 5 of us, and none of us ended up pregnant with with STDs.

So we just cancelled out one another's antedotal stories.

 

[goofy!]

Are you really naive enough to think that a teenager going away with her boyfriend doesn't look at it like an adult weekend???

I can answer that from personal experience. It is absolutely possible for a teenager to go away with their boyfriend and not think of it as an adult weekend.

I spent almost every weekend with my boyfriend, his best friend and his girlfriend down at the Jersey shore at his best friend's parent's beach house at 17 and 18. And it was rare the parents were there.

Never once did we think it was an adult 'romantic' weekend, playing adult house nor were any of us naive enough to think our high school romances were going to last forever. Marriage was the furthest thing from our minds at that time.

It was all about four friends having fun in the surf and sun on weekends. We would take the boat out and ski, we would go play games and ride rides on the boardwalk, we would laugh and have fun on the beach. We never looked at it any differently than hanging out together at each other's houses and at the mall on weekends. The house was there to crash so we would not have to drive an hour and a half home again. I know in our case, it was absolutely possible for a teenager to go away with their boyfriend and not see it as a romantic weekend.

Never once did I think my parents were validating sex, adult relationships and romantic weekends by letting me go off with my boyfriend. In fact, it was exactly the opposite. We had long talks about how they trusted us and trusted us to uphold our values.

Being trusted like that made me want to act responsibly, honor the family's values and made me want to keep that trust they had in me. Must have worked as I happily went off to college, married at 26 and not to my high school boyfriend, and just celebrated our 26th anniversary last week.

Should parents give blanket permission for every weekend? No. They should assess the kids and the situation.

My parents did say no when a bunch of seniors rented a house at the shore for after prom for the weekend. THAT was an orgy, complete with bongs being hidden and kids streaming out the back door when the cops showed up.

Since the 4 of us had been trusted to conduct ourselves more maturely for 2 summers, we were able to shake our heads at the immaturity of our classmates.

In my case, my parents made it perfectly clear what they expected of us and trusted us to act in a certain manner. In no way did we ever, ever think they would approve or were condoning acting more 'adult' when we went down to the shore.

As I said at the beginning of this thread, I am so thankful that they did trust me.

I voted yes, but probably should have voted maybe as I think the child and the situation needs to be assessed for each situation.

 

[NEVERENOUGHWDW]

I went to a college rather near my home, so I went with a good number of my high school friends. If you'd lined us up in order of likelihood to graduate, I'd have been on the far end. I was the kid you'd have said wouldn't make it: No parental support, serious financial problems, little exposure to the world, uncertain career plans, and I'd come from a po-dunk country high school regarded highly only for its agricultural program (well, that wouldn't really come into play since I'm talking about those of us who all graduated from the same high school). Anyway, you would've said that I was the kid who wasn't going to make it. Wanna guess who, out of all of us, became the shining star in college?
.

No, I wouldn't have assumed that....actually I believe what doesn't kill us makes us stronger.

Going away for a weekend isn't an adult only experience, it's a decision made if you child can negotiate the world because you were given the tools while growing up.

That being said I have to say a few months from an 18th birthday & people are shocked that two teens want to go away for the weekend. Do we forget that "kids" are fighting wars right now? So a weekend at the beach is a drop in the pan IMHO.

 

[NHdisneylover]

Completely agree!


Yeah............they are!

What do people think is really going to happen if BF/GF's go away for the weekend together. 99.9% of the time they are going to have sex. It is naive to think that they are not.

I have another question...........My neighbor's son is going away to college in 2 weeks (actually to the same college as one of my DD's). He went away this summer with a friend on a vacation 13 hours away - they drove themselves.

She is beside herself because he has done nothing to get ready for college. He has not organized anything, etc. Her DH keeps telling her to let him take care of it. She is so stressed out that she is having muscle spasms in her back. She does everything for her sons. He has some "life experience", but is he really ready to go away to college? She finally caved & ordered his books for him yesterday because she couldn't stand that he wasn't taking care of it.

I guess I know more realistic teens than you do (and I was mor realistic than that as a teen)
As to the boy in your example, I really have no idea if he is really ready to go away to college. Maybe he is. What does he NEED to be doing to get ready? Seriously. Back in the stone ages when I went to college I needed to register for classes in the summer (via phone--internet was still in its infancy). if he is getting books it sounds like he is registered. Otherwise all I needed to do was pack up my clothes before driving up. There was no point in shopping for dorm gear until you saw your room and met your roommate so I always planned to hit Target once those things happened. I bought books on campus, generally on the day I arrived. I always bought used books and wanted to look through them and pick the ones that were not marked up in ways that would bother me. So, maybe the son is handling things jsut fine and could do this himself on his schedule and it is the mom who is having trouble letting go and allowing him to do it his way (as the dad suggests). Or maybe he really does need to plan more and the mom is right. Hard to tell in the little bit you wrote.
BTW--I never said going away on a trip means someone is prepared for college--that was Bicker. I just said allowing it does not mean that the parents are saying "hey, go have sex" and that not all teens would view such a trip as being about sex OR playing house. I still believe that (partly because that is not how I viewed such trips).

 

[Acklander]

IT'S NOT ABOUT HAVING SEX, it is about a parent CONDONING the action. It is VERY different if two teenagers decide to have sex in the back seat of a car then it is having two teenagers drive off into the sunset with their parents total consent, condoms and spending money in pocket.

OK. And, as I said in an earlier post, an almost 18 year old in a long term relationship and the girl is on birth control - I don't have a problem with them having sex. so, yes - I am condoning the sexual part in this type of situation. As far as the going away together, I wouldn't take in consideration that they will be sexually active. I would be looking at how responsible in being away for the weekend. And even though I voted maybe, I would hope by the time my teen is a few months shy of 18 that they would be able to handle a weekend away from home.

 

[golfgal]

No, I wouldn't have assumed that....actually I believe what doesn't kill us makes us stronger.

Going away for a weekend isn't an adult only experience, it's a decision made if you child can negotiate the world because you were given the tools while growing up.

That being said I have to say a few months from an 18th birthday & people are shocked that two teens want to go away for the weekend. Do we forget that "kids" are fighting wars right now? So a weekend at the beach is a drop in the pan IMHO.

That 18 year old fighting in a war has also graduated in high school and would be similar to a college student--we are talking about kids that are STILL in HIGH SCHOOL. A year can make a HUGE difference in maturity at this age--heck, I can't believe how much my DS18 has matured in the past 3 months.

 

[MELSMICE]

I guess I know more realistic teens than you do (and I was mor realistic than that as a teen)
As to the boy in your example, I really have no idea if he is really ready to go away to college. Maybe he is. What does he NEED to be doing to get ready? Seriously. Back in the stone ages when I went to college I needed to register for classes in the summer (via phone--internet was still in its infancy). if he is getting books it sounds like he is registered. Otherwise all I needed to do was pack up my clothes before driving up. There was no point in shopping for dorm gear until you saw your room and met your roommate so I always planned to hit Target once those things happened. I bought books on campus, generally on the day I arrived. I always bought used books and wanted to look through them and pick the ones that were not marked up in ways that would bother me. So, maybe the son is handling things jsut fine and could do this himself on his schedule and it is the mom who is having trouble letting go and allowing him to do it his way (as the dad suggests). Or maybe he really does need to plan more and the mom is right. Hard to tell in the little bit you wrote.
BTW--I never said going away on a trip means someone is prepared for college--that was Bicker. I just said allowing it does not mean that the parents are saying "hey, go have sex" and that not all teens would view such a trip as being about sex OR playing house. I still believe that (partly because that is not how I viewed such trips).

I don't know what you mean about more realistic teens?

I guess there's more to the story of my neighbor & her son, but it would be too long to post on here & quite off topic. I love my neighbor. She is a dear friend who does everything for her sons & then gets upset when they don't take the initiative to do something themselves. However, they are always used to her doing what they choose not to. Example: She will be sitting outside with us enjoying the evening. Her sons will come home at midnight & come out & ask mom to make them something to eat. She jumps. Like I said, long story.

I should have specified that I wasn't directing my "not ready for college" comment to you. It was just a general comment towards the thread. Sorry about that.

 

[NHdisneylover]

That 18 year old fighting in a war has also graduated in high school and would be similar to a college student--we are talking about kids that are STILL in HIGH SCHOOL. A year can make a HUGE difference in maturity at this age--heck, I can't believe how much my DS18 has matured in the past 3 months.

So this, once again, puts it back to the question that I have seen asked multiple times on this thread but not see answered (by you or anyone else--but I may have missed something). Would you allow a 17 year old high school graduate to do this?
My DD will be 17 when she graduates and when she heads off to college.
I am really curious--is it having had 12 years (plus kindergarten) of schooling which you feel makes the difference? Or is it the age?
DD is considering skipping the last two years of highschool (she will be a freshman this year) and going straight into a college program that a DISser told us about. She could go now but does not feel comfortable at 13 doing so. Anyway, if she decides to do that she will be 15 when she goes off to college (in a more closely supervised situation than typical college dorms but freer than typical highschool kids too). It means she will fly to/from Germany the USA on her own during school breaks and may also fly to her grandparents or friends' somewhere in the US. She may make friends and travel with them in shorter breaks. I don't really know how we will make it work. She will be "out of high school"--for you is that the big indicator? Or her age? For me it will be her personality and maturity level.

Personally I think it varies from kid to kid. Some could probably handle it at 15, others really can't handle it at 18, but you are limited in what you can do to stop them at that point (yes, you can pull the my house my rules card but they could move out then if they choose). Gosh, I know people in their 30s who can't seem to handle a basic trip on their own. Thus, for ME the arbitrary dates (birthday OR graduation) are just that--arbitrary.

 

[Acklander]

That 18 year old fighting in a war has also graduated in high school and would be similar to a college student--we are talking about kids that are STILL in HIGH SCHOOL. A year can make a HUGE difference in maturity at this age--heck, I can't believe how much my DS18 has matured in the past 3 months.

And some kids mature faster than others, which is why I said maybe. Anyone ever read Cameron Crowe's story? he graduated at 15 and was on the road at 16 writing for rolling stone magazine. His parents allowed him to follow his dreams and it worked well for him. I couldn't ever make a blanket statement about what I will or won't allow my kids to do until I'm in the situation, and can judge for myself what they are capable of handling. Yes, there are many times I've let my kids do things that I knew probably wouldn't end well, but sometimes kids have to find that out for themselves. Because I've "allowed" my kids to make mistakes (not just as teens, but younger as well) and test their wings by the time they're 17/18 they have a pretty good head on their shoulders.
If your kids aren't ready for the experience, of course you're going to say no. Each kid matures at a different rate.

 

[NEVERENOUGHWDW]

So this, once again, puts it back to the question that I have seen asked multiple times on this thread but not see answered (by you or anyone else--but I may have missed something). Would you allow a 17 year old high school graduate to do this?
My DD will be 17 when she graduates and when she heads off to college.
I am really curious--is it having had 12 years (plus kindergarten) of schooling which you feel makes the difference? Or is it the age?
DD is considering skipping the last two years of highschool (she will be a freshman this year) and going straight into a college program that a DISser told us about. She could go now but does not feel comfortable at 13 doing so. Anyway, if she decides to do that she will be 15 when she goes off to college (in a more closely supervised situation than typical college dorms but freer than typical highschool kids too). It means she will fly to/from Germany the USA on her own during school breaks and may also fly to her grandparents or friends' somewhere in the US. She may make friends and travel with them in shorter breaks. I don't really know how we will make it work. She will be "out of high school"--for you is that the big indicator? Or her age? For me it will be her personality and maturity level.

I will answer the best I can.....

I was the 17 year old that graduated H.S. and did go away with their boyfriend.
Was my mother thrilled by me going no way! BUT I had never given her a reason to doubt me with my actions.
That being said when my BF & I were away (at Atlantis) we didn't do anything that we wouldn't or couldn't do at home.
As a matter of fact alcohol flowed at football parties, when we were away drinking wasn't even an option.

 

[NHdisneylover]

I will answer the best I can.....

I was the 17 year old that graduated H.S. and did go away with their boyfriend.
Was my mother thrilled by me going no way! BUT I had never given her a reason to doubt me with my actions.
That being said when my BF & I were away (at Atlantis) we didn't do anything that we wouldn't or couldn't do at home.
As a matter of fact alcohol flowed at football parties, when we were away drinking wasn't even an option.

Thanks I am still hoping to see someone (or more than one) answer who is arguing that a tee who has not yet graduated (like the post I had Quoted) is not ready for tha texperience. Many of those same posters seem to be assuming a high school graduate will be 18+. I am jsut wondering what those who use graduation as their bench mark think when the graduate is younger

 

[gina2000]

To me, the rite of passage is a signal that a child is grown up regardless of age. High school graduation is one such ritual that squarely puts a young adult at a crossroads with choices to be made. Hopefully, the young adult has been given the tools to make wise decisions in situations in which he/she may be held accountable.

Having said that, however, a young adult who graduates under the age of 18 is still legally under parental supervision regardless of where they live and what they do. The law still considers the young adult a minor so that needs to be figured into any equation especially in situations where the law may be broken despite the "maturity" of the participants.

Quite frankly, having to "experience everything once before the age of 18 in order to cope with the rest of my life theory" makes no sense. I don't blindfold my child, shut him in a room with PG rated films and books til he's 18 and then release him into a world with no boundaries. Each experience is a building block designed to help him make prudent decisions as he begins his adult life. My building blocks may be different than others'; however, I feel that mine test the boundaries of freedom in such a way as to help my underage child understand how to make choices when I'm not around to make them for him.

 

[brandylouwho]

Heck no! She is still a minor and my responsiblity. After she is 18 (and I understand it is only an arbitrary age. 18 yr olds may or may not be responsible, making good choices, having sex, etc.) but is a legal rite of passage.

I also know what I was doing when I was 17 and 18 even though I was a good girl, who got great grades and didn't get into much trouble. Well, until my 17th birthday party got busted for underage drinking. I hate to think what the "bad girls" were doing.

My parents actually took my car away from me once while I was in college. And my parents had not bought the car nor did they pay the insurance on it. But they sure took it away anyway! They were still parenting me and trying to hold me responsible for a bad decision I had made.

I do agree that if the kids are doing things they shouldn't be...they are likely already doing that at home too...but letting them off on their own is as good as condoning it.