Would you allow your high school aged DD/DS to do this?

[MrsPete]

Of course - the criteria for determining that, though, is what varies, and more specifically the balance between applying beliefs and values, versus focusing on safety and preparedness, one chooses to strike.

I agree with that, but we'll each find a different balance point between those quantities.

 

[JennaTX]

No, I don't think it's about trust. Rather, it's about not allowing them into certain situations yet.

To give an analogy, I feel fairly certain my daughter isn't going to drink in high school. Regardless, I wouldn't knowingly allow her to go to a party that I knew was going to revolve around drinking. Even though I trust that she has made her own personal decision about that, I wouldn't put her into a situation where serious temptation would come into play, and a situation in which she could get into trouble for what other people are doing.

It's not about trust, just as it's not completely about sex. I don't say yes to everything my daughters want, even if it's something that's within my power to give them. And this just isn't something that's right during high school. Well, yes and no. You're right to say that no one's going to come around and do a bedcheck. But dorms do offer certain protections that private apartments don't. In my old dorm, a security guard was on duty after dinner, and only residents /their signed-in guests could get into the building. Perhaps more importantly, so many people lived in the dorm that IF a girl found herself in a compromised position (perhaps having allowed a guy into her room, and then regretting it) she could've yelled, and someone in the next room or in the hallway would've heard her. And there was also a code in the dorms: If a girl'd let a guy in, and she wanted him to leave but he wouldn't . . . she'd pretend to go to the bathroom, and she'd ask another girl to drop by her room a moment later to make herself annoying. The other girl'd just camp out in the room, turn on the TV, ask for help with math, make herself at home until the guy finally decided he'd have to leave because nothing fun was going to happen in that room that night. As an RA, I was frequently asked to be the annoying person!

So "supervised" might not really be the right word, but I do think a dorm's a little safer for a girl who's living away from home for the first time. Even so, I was aware of a number of rapes that occured in our dorm -- always date rape type of situations.

Horrible story: I remember a girl whom I knew just in passing in the dorms; she moved into an apartment because she wanted more freedom. A man threw a brick threw her sliding glass door, raped and murdered her. It was her first month in the apartment. Also, that story is very off-topic.

It is about trust. Obviously if I knew that drinking (to use your analogy) was going on I would not let my daughter/son go. But do you really think as a parent that you know what is happening at every party, every friend's house, every event that child goes to? Of course not, that is where trust comes in.

You spoke about not letting them be in a situation where they could get into trouble, and I understand that. What parents wants their children in that position. But if the child is about to go to college how are they going to deal with situations if they have no experience at all?

We give children lessons on how to drive, they go to drivers ed, we practice with them, and make sure they have lots of experience before they start driving on their own. As parents we have to guide our children, make sure they have the tools to deal with situations, and let them go. IMO if you send your child to college without ever letting them have to make decisions for themselves, it is the same as putting them in a car without knowing how to drive it.

I agree that dorms are safer than an apartment, but your child can still do what they want, whether it is to sleep there or somewhere else, come home at 4:00 am, or whatever else.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

No, I don't think it's about trust. Rather, it's about not allowing them into certain situations yet.

To give an analogy, I feel fairly certain my daughter isn't going to drink in high school. Regardless, I wouldn't knowingly allow her to go to a party that I knew was going to revolve around drinking. Even though I trust that she has made her own personal decision about that, I wouldn't put her into a situation where serious temptation would come into play, and a situation in which she could get into trouble for what other people are doing.

Now I am going to address this because this was a common dilemma ESP when they hit SENIOR yr in HS. It was impossible keep them away from ALL drinking. It is just not a reality to think you are going to do that. If you think you are doing that then your kid is lying, come senior yr in HS.

Now my dd was not "into" drinking however I am sure she took some drinks. Now she is a college sophmore and has done some partying. Not that I am happy about it, but it is a part of college for many kids.

We stress SAFE partying. It is an imperative. She just came back tonight from a party at 1am in the morning. We told her if she drinks she needs to spend the night and no driving or call us.

She did not drink and came home. She does use her head because we were confronted with this in high school.

As much as you want not allow certain situations around your high schooler, it is just not possible. Drinking REALLY starts being present at all senior parties.

Or your kid will not be into drinking at all. Who knows? Ultimately it is going to be up to your kid and having a high schooler involves A LOT of trust.

 

[disfan07]

Even though I know A LOT of people who never had sex in high school, my GYN said something that was very telling.

She said that at this point, she doesnt even ask high school and college students if they have had sex yet. She just assumes that they have unless they tell her differently. And she said, more often than not she was right to assume.

That being said, I went to the beach with my boyfriend when we were 17. We went for 5 days. No drinking and no sex. My moms thought on this trip was, I leave you home alone enough. If you wanted to do it you would find a way to do it at home. A beach house isnt suddenly going to change that.

I fully agree with that. If they plan on having sex, they will find a way regardless of where they are. And one of my friends is proof of this. She had her daughter at 16. Guess where she got pregnant...in her bedroom in her parents house. She had never been on a weekend get-a-way with her boyfriend. Her parents just happen to have been at work.

 

[powellrj]

While this really doesn't have much to do with the topic at hand, I see many times people have this confidence in their kids because they only hang out with "good church kids" and they will never have any of the problems other kids have.

We sent our DS off to college last year where he roomed with his church friends he had known for years. It lasted a month because the good church friends weren't who he thought they were.

He still was hanging out with good church friends ( we go to a large church and many of the kids go to his college) and once again there were problems. Different kids different problems.

The one thing that really worried me (joining a fraturnity) turned into the best thing for him. The church kids are like walking problem children(sex, drugs, drinking and fights) and the fraternity has been a much better influence. He is moving in with 5 brother this week, I am hoping for the best.

I mentioned it once at small group and many of the parents were shocked that "our kids" could misbehave, but a couple of the people who work with the youth weren't surprised at all. While I don't "out" other people kids, I was surprised after things had happened, several parents came to me and said they knew what was going on and weren't surprised. These were the parents of the kids NOT involved!

 

[golfgal]

It is about trust. Obviously if I knew that drinking (to use your analogy) was going on I would not let my daughter/son go. But do you really think as a parent that you know what is happening at every party, every friend's house, every event that child goes to? Of course not, that is where trust comes in.

You spoke about not letting them be in a situation where they could get into trouble, and I understand that. What parents wants their children in that position. But if the child is about to go to college how are they going to deal with situations if they have no experience at all?

We give children lessons on how to drive, they go to drivers ed, we practice with them, and make sure they have lots of experience before they start driving on their own. As parents we have to guide our children, make sure they have the tools to deal with situations, and let them go. IMO if you send your child to college without ever letting them have to make decisions for themselves, it is the same as putting them in a car without knowing how to drive it.

I agree that dorms are safer than an apartment, but your child can still do what they want, whether it is to sleep there or somewhere else, come home at 4:00 am, or whatever else.

And here is the ENTIRE POINT of this thread, there is a HUGE difference between basically telling your child it is ok to go away with your boyfriend and have sex and whatever else vs your child doing it without your knowledge. How many people here would tell their high school student, hey, got to the party, have a couple drinks and have sex with your boyfriend, which is exactly what the parent is doing when they allow a HIGH SCHOOL aged kid to go away for a weekend alone with a boyfriend.

 

[powellrj]

How many people here would tell their high school student, hey, got to the party, have a couple drinks and have sex with your boyfriend, which is exactly what the parent is doing when they allow a HIGH SCHOOL aged kid to go away for a weekend alone with a boyfriend.

This is where I think people are going to have to agree to disagree. I do think that you can send HS kids on trip and its not an open invitation to drink and have sex with your boyfriend. Call me old fashioned, but I still think there are situations where you just have to trust your kids. I went away with my boyfriend/now husband when I was in high school and we didn't drink then nor did we do drugs and this was the mid 70's where it was assumed that was what was going on.

 

[luvmy3]

And here is the ENTIRE POINT of this thread, there is a HUGE difference between basically telling your child it is ok to go away with your boyfriend and have sex and whatever else vs your child doing it without your knowledge. How many people here would tell their high school student, hey, got to the party, have a couple drinks and have sex with your boyfriend, which is exactly what the parent is doing when they allow a HIGH SCHOOL aged kid to go away for a weekend alone with a boyfriend.

I wouldn't but I'd let them go to that party and make sure they have a condom in their purse and that they took their BC pill that day and make sure they know that that they can call me any time of night to come and get them if they have had even one drink or their friend who was driving did. I wouldn't forbid them to go, but I would trust that when they were there they wouldn't make stupid decisions. If I didn't think they were capable of being smart about things then I wouldn't allow then to go to the party in the first place, the same goes for the beach weekend.

 

[Acklander]

How many people here would tell their high school student, hey, got to the party, have a couple drinks and have sex with your boyfriend, which is exactly what the parent is doing when they allow a HIGH SCHOOL aged kid to go away for a weekend alone with a boyfriend.

Wrong. This would be like saying: Since college kids have been known to drink and have sex by my sending my child to college I'm telling them to have sex and party. No.... I'm sending my kid to college for an education, but I accept the fact that drinking and having sex may be part of the experience.
When my few months away from 18 year old goes away to the beach for the weekend with their boy/girlfriend - I'm hoping they have a great time at the beach, and accepting the fact that sex may be part of the experience. I'm not telling them to have sex. I've never told either of my boys when to and when not to have sex. That is a personal decision each couple makes for themselves. But I do accept the fact that they may have sex, and I educate them accordingly.
And I stand by my statement that a 17 almost 18 year old in a long term relationship with a girl who is on birth control that is having sex, is not a big deal. So I wouldn't put that part into consideration when making my decision, because to me, it's a non-issue.

 

[NEVERENOUGHWDW]

I see so many people on this thread expressing the "forbidden fruit" with their kids.

In my experience & now having a niece that recently completed college & a nephew that is in college it's the "kids" that had all the no, no, nos that went 100% wild in college.

If it isn't about sex & it's about "life situations" like some insist I would be very worried about their child living in a dorm.
You can try to convince yourself that they are monitored but you are truly living with your head in the sand.

 

[golfgal]

Wrong. This would be like saying: Since college kids have been known to drink and have sex by my sending my child to college I'm telling them to have sex and party. No.... I'm sending my kid to college for an education, but I accept the fact that drinking and having sex may be part of the experience.
When my few months away from 18 year old goes away to the beach for the weekend with their boy/girlfriend - I'm hoping they have a great time at the beach, and accepting the fact that sex may be part of the experience. I'm not telling them to have sex. I've never told either of my boys when to and when not to have sex. That is a personal decision each couple makes for themselves. But I do accept the fact that they may have sex, and I educate them accordingly.
And I stand by my statement that a 17 almost 18 year old in a long term relationship with a girl who is on birth control that is having sex, is not a big deal. So I wouldn't put that part into consideration when making my decision, because to me, it's a non-issue.

Not even close--the purpose of going to college is to get a degree the purpose of going away with your boyfriend for the weekend is to be alone with your boyfriend.

 

[gina2000]

I'm sending my kid to college for an education, but I accept the fact that drinking and having sex may be part of the experience.

I agree that I am sending my child away to college for an education with detours. But if I'm allowing a child to go away for the weekend with a partner, the detour becomes the purpose.

I know if I were allowed to go away for the weekend with a partner, I'd be having sex. Not even a question despite any frank discussions my parents may have had with me. I also know that when I went away to college I had sex. My parents also knew that it happened. But they considered it my business. I didn't need their blessing. And I feel as if asking permission in high school is receiving a blessing condoning whatever the child may have in mind.

My child has had huge freedoms in his life. He has made good decisions. He's not going to go away and be shocked by sex, drugs, or drinking. I'm not naive to think that he won't partake because of our discussions. But I do know that he'll weigh each decision carefully, mindful of the risks and rewards of his choices. I don't have to give him permission to go away with a girlfriend for a weekend to achieve level headed awareness of adult situations. He's managed to figure that out within the context of age appropriate freedoms that he thus far has navigated successfully.

 

[Acklander]

Not even close--the purpose of going to college is to get a degree the purpose of going away with your boyfriend for the weekend is to be alone with your boyfriend.

maybe it's to be alone with your boyfriend, or maybe it's to go to the beach. Most likely it's a combo of both. If it was just to have sex, they could do that at home, they wouldn't have to travel to a beach house for it.

 

[Momvic5]

I wouldn't but I'd let them go to that party and make sure they have a condom in their purse and that they took their BC pill that day and make sure they know that that they can call me any time of night to come and get them if they have had even one drink or their friend who was driving did. I wouldn't forbid them to go, but I would trust that when they were there they wouldn't make stupid decisions. If I didn't think they were capable of being smart about things then I wouldn't allow then to go to the party in the first place, the same goes for the beach weekend.

In general and not aimed at this particular poster, this statement struck me odd..."make sure they have a condom in their purse and that they took their BC pill that day". Actually, I think this statement reveals a lot and is a little sad to think about. If our teens are not capable of taking their birth control on their own without a daily reminder then I would think that they are not ready for an experience like a weekend trip or a party that challenges those weaknesses.

 

[luvmy3]

In general and not aimed at this particular poster, this statement struck me odd..."make sure they have a condom in their purse and that they took their BC pill that day". Actually, I think this statement reveals a lot and is a little sad to think about. If our teens are not capable of taking their birth control on their own without a daily reminder then I would think that they are not ready for an experience like a weekend trip or a party that challenges those weaknesses.

First of all I agree with you, if my dd isn't responsible enough to take her BC pill, or know enough to always use a condom then you are right she wouldn't be ready for such a trip. However I never said I'd have to remind her daily but a little "you are prepared, right?" question as she is ready to walk out the door is the same thing as telling your kid to "be careful" when they take the car to work. That is what I meant by what I said, not that I would have to tell her be prepared

 

[luvmy3]

maybe it's to be alone with your boyfriend, or maybe it's to go to the beach. Most likely it's a combo of both. If it was just to have sex, they could do that at home, they wouldn't have to travel to a beach house for it.

Exactly, they could be alone anywhere. To me its about them wanting to go somewhere together.

 

[Goobergal99]

I actually have the ability to answer this question on many different levels.

I had a mom who was very liberal about everything and who I openly could talk about sex with, would have willingly allowed me to go on the pill etc....

DH had parents who were lets just say hypocritically strict (Siblings got away with murder.... but somehow him being the oldest meant that he was the trial child, they are also divorced and it was an ugly one....) This did not stop us, if anything their resistance to the relationship made it all the more appealing

Mom and I were open about everything, I was intelligent, did well in school and not lacking in common sense by any means not even back then....

That all being said, I still didn't use protection, fell deeper in love with DH as a love struck teen and was pregnant with DD in my junior year of highschool....

Do I regret any of it, Nope.... However that all being said, after the roller coaster ride that our life has been since that day, we both know we are going to be somewher in the middle when it comes to DD. Not super strict, but certianly not saying "sure your boyfriend can sleep over in your bed on the weekends" either....

As far as a trip with her boyfriend at 17, at this point she is 11 and so as a mom who is trying desperately hard not to be a hypocrite... I say maybe depending on the circumstances. However if you asked DH.... It would be a resounding "NO WAY"

 

[Mouse House Mama]

Exactly, they could be alone anywhere. To me its about them wanting to go somewhere together.

To me it is about playing house. I am not encouraging my high schooler to play house with anyone. The whole romanticized version of adult life. Sex is not even the issue because that can happen anytime. The whole pretending they are actual adults when in reality they have no idea what it is really like to be an adult. No beach weekend is going to teach that and I do not want to make marriage seem like one big beach weekend. I have no desire for my kids to get crazy marriage/permanent relationship ideas as a teen. They need to experience life in the real world first. YMMV.

 

[golfgal]

maybe it's to be alone with your boyfriend, or maybe it's to go to the beach. Most likely it's a combo of both. If it was just to have sex, they could do that at home, they wouldn't have to travel to a beach house for it.

IT'S NOT ABOUT HAVING SEX, it is about a parent CONDONING the action. It is VERY different if two teenagers decide to have sex in the back seat of a car then it is having two teenagers drive off into the sunset with their parents total consent, condoms and spending money in pocket.

 

[NHdisneylover]

And here is the ENTIRE POINT of this thread, there is a HUGE difference between basically telling your child it is ok to go away with your boyfriend and have sex and whatever else vs your child doing it without your knowledge. How many people here would tell their high school student, hey, got to the party, have a couple drinks and have sex with your boyfriend, which is exactly what the parent is doing when they allow a HIGH SCHOOL aged kid to go away for a weekend alone with a boyfriend.

Allowing a weekend trip to the beach is NOT telling your child it is okay to have sex anymore than allowing your child to go to a party is telling them it is okay to drink.
You can approve travelling and you can approve a party without approving sex or drinking. IF the party is a kegger and drinking is the purpose of the party, or the trip is to a hotel with mirrors on the ceiling THEN those are the messages you are sending. Allowing a trip in general though simply implies allowing TRAVEL. At least in my book.

Not even close--the purpose of going to college is to get a degree the purpose of going away with your boyfriend for the weekend is to be alone with your boyfriend.

Nope==the purpose is to be wherever the trip is to with your boyfriend. Alone is easy to achieve without spending the time and money to go away.

To me it is about playing house. I am not encouraging my high schooler to play house with anyone. The whole romanticized version of adult life. Sex is not even the issue because that can happen anytime. The whole pretending they are actual adults when in reality they have no idea what it is really like to be an adult. No beach weekend is going to teach that and I do not want to make marriage seem like one big beach weekend. I have no desire for my kids to get crazy marriage/permanent relationship ideas as a teen. They need to experience life in the real world first. YMMV.

Are teens really stupid enough to think a VACATION is representative of real life??? Mine kids aren't. They know vacations are loads more fun than the day to day grind and they are only 11 and 13.