Would you allow your high school aged DD/DS to do this?

[NEVERENOUGHWDW]

No, I wouldn't allow drinking in the home. It's illegal.

If you think your child is not capable of navigating the world for a weekend without parents then I would certainly think twice about dorms, camp programs, cultural travel, etc.

Sex is only a portion of the worry........

 

[MrsPete]

I know my DD's have been in situations where there is drinking. I also know that on at least one occasion my twins did drink, thinking they wouldn't get caught. I over heard a conversation one of them was having on the phone, DH & I figured out what happened & we confronted them about it. We didn't pull any punches as our to disappointment in them & what they stood to lose both at school & home if they pulled stunt like that again.

They will be starting college in 2 weeks - one of them is going away. I have no illusions that they will refrain from drinking until they are 21, but I do hope that they will stop & think about our conversations & what the repercussions are to their choices before they make them.

For us, this is one of those situations where we have guided them, set the standards, told them of the consequences of their choices & now they must learn to make the right decision on their own.

I know that my high school daughter's been in situations where drinking was going on --one pretty bad situation, in fact -- but I also know from both her story AND two unsolicited other reports that came to me in a round-about way that although the situation was rather wild, she was one of the few abstaining. In that situation (it was a school event), some friends of hers were caught, and their punishment was bad. Public opinion did not sway in their favor. As I said in my previous post, my daughter was absolutely shocked at just what could happen to these girls for making such a foolish mistake, and I feel certain that she will not drink in high school. We're not opening that door for her.

I do expect she'll drink in college, but we've set a good example for her all these years, and I expect she'll be reasonable about it. For example, we've taught her that there's never any excuse for drinking and driving. Also, she has a strong desire to do well in school, so I think she'll understand that it's not okay to go hog-wild during the week.

I think we've prepared her well thusfar in this field, and while I wouldn't wish something bad on someone else's child, I am glad that my own daugther learned a lesson from observing those other kids get into serious trouble rather than needing to go through it herself.

 

[MrsPete]

If you think your child is not capable of navigating the world for a weekend without parents then I would certainly think twice about dorms, camp programs, cultural travel, etc.

My child's perfectly capable of navigating the world without me by her side, but summer dorm programs, camp programs, cultural travel, etc. are age-appropriate for her right now, while weekends away with a boyfriend alone are not. While she's in high school, it's my job to monitor where she is, who she's with. It's my job to say, "You shouldn't be driving in that big city traffic yet", or "Be in by 10:00", or "No, I don't want you to attend that event."

When she gets to college, she'll have developed the self-discipline to make those decisions for herself. But it's my guiding her now that helps her develop that sense of what's okay vs. not okay. Sure, she'll stretch the limits sometimes, but she'll know where our family's values lie.

 

[Acklander]

I agree with this statement - sometimes as parents you have to put the brakes on "grown up" experiences so that they don't get ahead of themselves. At 15, they really do think they're in love and will be devoted to each other forever. Until the breakup post on Facebook goes up with the new SO's photo. If you can't break with someone properly, you're not mature enough to be having a relationship.

No one was talking about a 15 year old who thinks they're in love. We're talking about someone who is a few short months away from turning 18.
While it's easy to say that we need to put the breaks on "grown up" experiences; as a society we have put the breaks on so many experiences that we are now turning more and more kids out into the world who are unable or afraid to handle it on their own. We're not doing our kids any favors.

 

[NEVERENOUGHWDW]

My child's perfectly capable of navigating the world without me by her side, but summer dorm programs, camp programs, cultural travel, etc. are age-appropriate for her right now, while weekends away with a boyfriend alone are not.

Perfect decision for your daughter.
As you can see from the poll not everyone thinks like you.

If all the other experiences are ok & a weekend isn't my guess would be you have issues with the sex possibility which is your right.

 

[luvmy3]

My question would be: Do you allow your underage children/young adults to drink at your home with their friends? They are going to find a way outside the home to do it anyway. I know people that have allowed underage drinking at grad parties. It was well "advertised" to the kids prior to the event.

I realize this is a totally different topic & a completely different path than the OP was on, but could still fall under the premise of "if you allow it then you condone it".

I wouldn't allow my kids to drink in my home with their friends, because its not my place to allow someone's elses child (meaning offspring, not a 10 year old) to drink alcohol. I also wouldn't allow my kids to have sex in my house because again its not my place to offer a place for that to someone else's child. I have no doubt that my kids will at least try either of those things without my knowledge or out right permission, possible even in my own home, its my job to prepare them for those situations and know how to be responsible and safe if/when they are in them.

 

[disykat]

The events I relayed are indeed facts. History. You cannot deny them. They happened. And the corollary events that others relayed also happened. Facts. The only reasonable equivocation is to claim that the risk of those things happening with your children is low, and we can disagree about that. You can't deny that there is risk because these things have already happened.

Okay. Then you have to accept as fact that I went to college at 17 without having gone off on unsupervised weekends and WAS prepared. I know MANY others who have done the same at 17 or 18. You also have to accept the stories from parents who have regretted giving their kids too much independence (I know of guite a few, but they aren't mine to tell) too young. Those are also facts - obviously none of which are swaying your OPINION on this matter.

 

[MELSMICE]

I think everyone just tries to do what they feel is best for their own kids.

We have always been very hands on parents. They still text us throughout the night/day& let us know where they are when they are out & about socially. We have a lot of rules & guidelines that our DD's have had to live with, however, we have always respected them on their level & have always been open to discussion about something they questioned or were not happy with.

There are some things that are an adamant "NO" (a BF/GF weekend away is one of them) but there are other things that can be discussed. Curfews aren't set in stone. We may not be crazy about some evening event, but after getting all the details may come to a compromise so they can go & we can feel comfortable with what we have allowed for the evening. We've always been adamant about getting other parents phone numbers & calling them to verify things.

DH & I discuss all the time the fact that our kids really aren't kids any more. It is tough to let the rope out, but I know we have given them a strong foundation & hope they will make the right decisions.

They are by no means perfect & will definitely make mistakes..........actually, have made mistakes. We do not judge them when they do something we are not proud of. We sit down & with strong words tell them of our disappointment & the repercussions of their decisions.

Like I said, everyone tries to do the best for their kids & tries to help them make the right decisions. Everyone's decisions are different. What's right for your kids might not be right for mine. We all have to live with the decisions we make for our own children. I've learned through the years that even parents make mistakes & can tell their kids, "I messed up".

This has been an interesting thread to read & I've actually enjoyed the "discussion".

 

[NHdisneylover]

It would be naive to think that, however, that doesn't change the fact that I wouldn't condone 17 year old high school students to go off on a weekend get-a-way.


I guess I've been living on the edge of danger with my DD's then all this time. They still seem to be handling adult situations pretty well though as they go through life.

I guess our parenting style was/is to let them fly a little at a time while gently guiding them through life's situations. They have turned in to independent young adults that continue to respect us and the guidelines we have set. One of my DH's favorite things to say to our DD's when faced with a dilemma is "figure it out" & they do just that.

Also, when they are growing up, regardless of their age, once you release the reins & allow it once you can't take it back (well, you can, but it's more difficult).

A little OT question: For those of you that would allow your high school child to go off on a weekend alone, assuming that if they are going to have sex with BF/GF they will find a way regardless.............do you also allow your underage child & their friends to drink in your home? They will and do find ways to drink outside your home anyway without your knowledge?

Like others, I would (and have) allow my teen to drink at home. DD has had some small glasses of wine or champaign at dinner/NYE and has sips of margaritas once in a while too. Also like others, I do not get to make that decision for someone else's kids so I do not allow other children to drink at my home (or my DD to do so when others are here). The exception was at a wedding held in our home. The grooms' kids had champaign provided to them by their dads. You see, I was not usurping the other parents' decision in that case.

 

[MrsPete]

No one was talking about a 15 year old who thinks they're in love. We're talking about someone who is a few short months away from turning 18.
While it's easy to say that we need to put the breaks on "grown up" experiences; as a society we have put the breaks on so many experiences that we are now turning more and more kids out into the world who are unable or afraid to handle it on their own. We're not doing our kids any favors.

I agree. We as a society have allowed kids to take part in what used to be termed adult experiences, and the result is that they're underwhelmed with adulthood once they actually get there. What's left to look forward to?

Perfect decision for your daughter.
As you can see from the poll not everyone thinks like you.

If all the other experiences are ok & a weekend isn't my guess would be you have issues with the sex possibility which is your right.

Part of it, but I'd probably have said no if the trip involved my daughter and a female friend. Going away for a weekend without supervision is an after-high school experience -- even if the child in question is almost a legal adult.

And while the poll does show that not everyone agrees with me, I see that 3 out of 4 do. Of course, we've all heard the saying: What's right is not always popular, and what's popular is not always right . . . but in this case, I think the majority's got the right idea.

Okay. Then you have to accept as fact that I went to college at 17 without having gone off on unsupervised weekends and WAS prepared. I know MANY others who have done the same at 17 or 18. You also have to accept the stories from parents who have regretted giving their kids too much independence (I know of guite a few, but they aren't mine to tell) too young. Those are also facts - obviously none of which are swaying your OPINION on this matter.

And you'd have to accept that I went to college at 18 without unsupervised weekends, WAS prepared, and did very well.

And what about the kids who go through high school never having had a serious boyfriend/girlfriend? They're not capable of being ready for college?

 

[luvmy3]

I agree. We as a society have allowed kids to take part in what used to be termed adult experiences, and the result is that they're underwhelmed with adulthood once they actually get there. What's left to look forward to?Part of it, but I'd probably have said no if the trip involved my daughter and a female friend. Going away for a weekend without supervision is an after-high school experience -- even if the child in question is almost a legal adult.

So it has nothing to do with age for you, just the fact that they are in HS? If your kid is 17 when they graduate is it okay for them to go away the weekend after or do they still have to wait until they are 18 or away at school where you don't know what they are doing for the weekend?
How about if they turn 18 before they graduate?

I honestly cant see an almost 18 year old as still needing supervision, but thats just me.

 

[MrsPete]

So it has nothing to do with age for you, just the fact that they are in HS? If your kid is 17 when they graduate is it okay for them to go away the weekend after or do they still have to wait until they are 18 or away at school where you don't know what they are doing for the weekend?
How about if they turn 18 before they graduate?

I honestly cant see an almost 18 year old as still needing supervision, but thats just me.

Maybe I see them as still needing supervision because I work with them all day long, and I see clearly that at that age kids are capable of making mature, intelligent decisions one minute . . . then turning around and doing something foolish that completely negates all their efforts the very next minute. And when they're in trouble, they fall back on mom and dad -- 18 years of teaching high school seniors tells me that! Although they may show (to varying degrees) moments of adult behavior, they're not fully adults yet. Not even the most mature ones.

Yes, I think high school graduation is more important than an 18th birthday.

How is a student's life different when he wakes up on his 18th birthday? It isn't really all that different. Sure he COULD do certain things, but most likely he's going to get up and go to school just like he's been doing for years. Most likely he's going to continue living in mom and dad's house, driving mom and dad's car, going to the same school and the same job. For the vast majority of kids, an 18th birthday is more of a technicality. They COULD do things differently, but they aren't going to do so. They aren't going to attempt to ursurp mom and dad's authority, not while they're still living at home and everything's still the same as it was when they were 17 years and 51 weeks old. His parents aren't legally required to provide for him any longer, but few parents are going to kick the kid out.

On the other hand, how different is a student's life the day after graduation? He's completed what most people see as "mandatory" education. With his diploma in hand, he really is free to make adult decisions, and with the milestone of graduation behind him, he's probably going to start living a different life: Either he's going to get a real full-time job, or he's going to join the military, or he's going to go to college. Maybe get married. Maybe move away. These things are different from high school behavior, and they bring on maturity in a hurry in a way that simply having lived 18 years doesn't.

Now, I'm painting with a broad brush here. I remember one student of mine who was in foster care. She HATED where she lived . . . and when she turned 18 in April, she moved out the very next day. Her foster mother and her social worker BEGGED her to hang on 'til June and graduation (I begged her to hold on 'til graduation), but she was going to do what she was legally entitled to do. (Apparently it was mostly about her foster mother making her work around the house and not allowing her to go out to dance clubs 'til late hours.) So she moved out, which -- again -- was her legal right. She left our school district, so the bus couldn't get her to school. The friends who'd promised to help her get to school suddenly couldn't afford the gas to help her out. In the end, she didn't graduate from high school. She was evicted from her apartment only months later when her money ran out. I don't know what became of her. I liked that girl, and I'd like to think that she turned it around, but she really had NO resources other than the foster care system, and she refused their help. The point: I understand that extreme situations like this occur, but I'm talking about average, middle class kids who live with their parents and have every intention of finishing high school -- not the extreme situations in which kids are in wonderful or terrible situations.

As for when a kid's birthday falls, I don't see that as significant. Pretty much a kid's life changes when he graduates from high school. Aside from a nice party and some presents, it doesn't change significantly when he turns 18.

 

[ORMom2Four]

My parents let me go camping for weekends with Dh when I was 17, but I had already graduated high school. He was 19.

By 18 I was pregnant.

By 19 I was a mom and married.

No, I don't think I'd let my DD go. There is time for her to do those things when she's in her 20's. Why rush it?

 

[NEVERENOUGHWDW]

t.

And while the poll does show that not everyone agrees with me, I see that 3 out of 4 do. Of course, we've all heard the saying: What's right is not always popular, and what's popular is not always right . . . but in this case, I think the majority's got the right idea. And you'd have to accept that I went to college at 18 without unsupervised weekends, WAS prepared, and did very well.

And what about the kids who go through high school never having had a serious boyfriend/girlfriend? They're not capable of being ready for college?

Then sadly you don't trust your child......

SO much to be missed.

 

[NEVERENOUGHWDW]

My parents let me go camping for weekends with Dh when I was 17, but I had already graduated high school. He was 19.

By 18 I was pregnant.

By 19 I was a mom and married.

No, I don't think I'd let my DD go. There is time for her to do those things when she's in her 20's. Why rush it?

So you wouldn't have become pregnant if you didn't go camping?

 

[MrsPete]

Then sadly you don't trust your child......

SO much to be missed.

Way to jump to conclusions.

 

[JennaTX]

You either trust your child or you don't, whether it is for an hour, a day or a weekend. In an hour a teenager can have sex, do drugs, drink alcohol, run away from home, etc.

Every parent tries to teach their children their beliefs and what they want for their child. They give them guidance, love, communication, and support. That is all we can do (even if we want to do more and make their decisions for them, we cannot).

I started college at 17, so I don't think 18 is a "magic" number. I also do not think that graduating high school makes you somehow more mature and able to handle the world.

The people who have posted about the dorms being "supervised", what college is that? And whether or not the dorms are supervised, you can still go/do whatever you want. They don't check your bed so see if you are there.

Again, it all comes down to trust in your child and they will choose to do what is right.

 

[bicker]

I think everyone just tries to do what they feel is best for their own kids.

Of course - the criteria for determining that, though, is what varies, and more specifically the balance between applying beliefs and values, versus focusing on safety and preparedness, one chooses to strike.

 

[Hannathy]

You either trust your child or you don't, whether it is for an hour, a day or a weekend. In an hour a teenager can have sex, do drugs, drink alcohol, run away from home, etc.

Every parent tries to teach their children their beliefs and what they want for their child. They give them guidance, love, communication, and support. That is all we can do (even if we want to do more and make their decisions for them, we cannot).

I started college at 17, so I don't think 18 is a "magic" number. I also do not think that graduating high school makes you somehow more mature and able to handle the world.

The people who have posted about the dorms being "supervised", what college is that? And whether or not the dorms are supervised, you can still go/do whatever you want. They don't check your bed so see if you are there.

Again, it all comes down to trust in your child and they will choose to do what is right.

I agree with this post! My feelings exactly.

If you trust your child you trust your child, it isn't dependent on the conditions. That isn't trust in their decision making abilities if it is only in controlled situations, that's not making choices, that is making them for them.

Yeah I would like to know where these supervised dorms are also, maybe a super strict super conservative religious school? Because any normal to large university is only supervised as far as CYA for their legal obligations like attempting to prevent underage drinking or illegal drug use. You can be gone the entire semester and as long as your dorm bill is paid they really don't care.

 

[MrsPete]

You either trust your child or you don't, whether it is for an hour, a day or a weekend. In an hour a teenager can have sex, do drugs, drink alcohol, run away from home, etc.

No, I don't think it's about trust. Rather, it's about not allowing them into certain situations yet.

To give an analogy, I feel fairly certain my daughter isn't going to drink in high school. Regardless, I wouldn't knowingly allow her to go to a party that I knew was going to revolve around drinking. Even though I trust that she has made her own personal decision about that, I wouldn't put her into a situation where serious temptation would come into play, and a situation in which she could get into trouble for what other people are doing.

It's not about trust, just as it's not completely about sex. I don't say yes to everything my daughters want, even if it's something that's within my power to give them. And this just isn't something that's right during high school.

The people who have posted about the dorms being "supervised", what college is that? And whether or not the dorms are supervised, you can still go/do whatever you want. They don't check your bed so see if you are there.

Well, yes and no. You're right to say that no one's going to come around and do a bedcheck. But dorms do offer certain protections that private apartments don't. In my old dorm, a security guard was on duty after dinner, and only residents /their signed-in guests could get into the building. Perhaps more importantly, so many people lived in the dorm that IF a girl found herself in a compromised position (perhaps having allowed a guy into her room, and then regretting it) she could've yelled, and someone in the next room or in the hallway would've heard her. And there was also a code in the dorms: If a girl'd let a guy in, and she wanted him to leave but he wouldn't . . . she'd pretend to go to the bathroom, and she'd ask another girl to drop by her room a moment later to make herself annoying. The other girl'd just camp out in the room, turn on the TV, ask for help with math, make herself at home until the guy finally decided he'd have to leave because nothing fun was going to happen in that room that night. As an RA, I was frequently asked to be the annoying person!

So "supervised" might not really be the right word, but I do think a dorm's a little safer for a girl who's living away from home for the first time. Even so, I was aware of a number of rapes that occured in our dorm -- always date rape type of situations.

Horrible story: I remember a girl whom I knew just in passing in the dorms; she moved into an apartment because she wanted more freedom. A man threw a brick threw her sliding glass door, raped and murdered her. It was her first month in the apartment. Also, that story is very off-topic.