Would you allow your daughters to be watched by a man?

[WDWHound]

We have the opposite problem in my daughters school...,many of the parents of girls (3rd-5th have one male teacher each grade) do not want their child to have a male teacher teaching them...the make sure to request that they do not get assigned to the male teacher even though a few are supposed to be very good teachers.

I would hope the school would simply reject such requests out of hand.

 

[callahanjulie10]

I don't think so- not like a would a woman. I know this sounds horrible but it is truly the way I do feel. I would hire a girl babysitter, never a boy. I would let BIL, FIL, Duncles watch my DD but never someone I didn't know. Kill me but it is my baby girl!

 

[binny]

I think Papa's point is that he fears the appearance of impropriety.


I can totally understand that. You never know how kids are going are going to react to what might be a totally innocent thing or how they might interpret them. Like the one where the dad was tickling kids. Things like that can be easily misinterpreted.


I see why he wants to avoid taking that chance and frankly I think its smart.

 

[grlpwrd]

Yes, I would.

Growing up my brothers and sisters and I had a teen male babysitter and he rocked. He was fun and responsible and to this day I enjoy eating Puerto Rican food and culture because of him.... He was a good influence.

Yes, I, too, would let a man or woman that I trusted watch my child. These days perversion is not gender specific...

 

[legs22]

Would you allow your daughters to be watched by a man?


No.

 

[Pooh Girl 71]

I think Papa's point is that he fears the appearance of impropriety.


I can totally understand that. You never know how kids are going are going to react to what might be a totally innocent thing or how they might interpret them. Like the one where the dad was tickling kids. Things like that can be easily misinterpreted.


I see why he wants to avoid taking that chance and frankly I think its smart.

I understand that and agree. But, it's still sad.

 

[Stacey2grls]

Honestly unless it was family, my answer would have to be no. Although this is very sad, because there are many men more deserving of trust than some women. With that being said, I have never left my girls 7 and 5 with anyone but family, so I guess I trust no one other than family with them, just my opinion.

 

[Towncrier]

Speaking from the guy perspective, I would never put myself in this situation. Not because anything bad would happen, but because of the accusations that could arise from such a situation.

I've mentioned before that back in the days when we hired babysitters for our children, I NEVER drove the babysitter home. I left that up to my wife. Call me paranoid, but I didn't want to ever put myself in a situation where it was my word again a child's word.

 

[WDWHound]

I guess there are 2 topics in this thread.

1) Should a guy allow himself to be alone with a female child. The answer to that is probably no. It just isnt worth the legal risk. One false accusation can ruin a life.

2) Should parents allow their female children to be cared for alone by a man. The answer to this in my opinion is yes. Since men have not been shown to be a greater risk for abuse than women, being afraid to allow them assume this role is simply predjudice and sexism, mostly brought about by the attitdue of fear the media has so successfully fostered in this country. Perhaps if we could change our attitudes concerning point number 2, men wouldn't have to worry so much about point number 1.

The whole thing is sad and we are teaching our children that men can not be trusted, while at the same time men have to constantly be on watch when around children to protect themselves from false claims and lawsuits. It really makes me angry, but as I said before, nothing will ever be done about it.

 

[poohandwendy]

I guess there are 2 topics in this thread.

1) Should a guy allow himself to be alone with a female child. The answer to that is probably no. It just isnt worth the legal risk. One false accusation can ruin a life.

2) Should parents allow their female children to be cared for alone by a man. The answer to this in my opinion is yes. Since men have not been shown to be a greater risk for abuse than women, being afraid to allow them assume this role is simply predjudice and sexism, mostly brought about by the attitdue of fear the media has so successfully fostered in this country. Perhaps if we could change our attitudes concerning point number 2, men wouldn't have to worry so much about point number 1.

The whole thing is sad and we are teaching our children that men can not be trusted, while at the same time men have to constantly be on watch when around children to protect themselves from false claims and lawsuits. It really makes me angry, but as I said before, nothing will ever be done about it.

I agree with you wholeheartedly.

But we have to change our attitudes about more than just #2. Notice how many people say they would leave their children only with ''a family member or trusted family friend''. Um, they are exactly who are committing the VAST MAJORITY of sexual offenses against children. People really need to start realizing that it isn't the strange, trench-coated freaky looking guy who is seeking out your child, it isn't the obvious weirdo...it is the TRUSTED person you would never, ever guess to have such a dark, sick side to him/her.

So, what is the answer? We can't live in a bubble and suspect every family member of being a pedophile.

The ONLY thing we really can do, IMHO, is to empower our children by talking about this on a regular basis...not a one time talk, but incorporate a level of openness about this sort of crime into our conversations...even (especially) when family members and friends are around. Take the secrecy away and you gain power for the kids. You make them less likely to become victims.

Pedophiles, who are familiar with the victim and not murderous, are looking for victims who will keep the secret. An obvious 'freak' wouldn't be able to get your child to trust them...molestation is a crime that requires a relationship between the predator and victim. They gain trust and form a friendship with their victims so that they can convince them to do what they want. They want a repeat victim, someone who they can persuade and form an on-going sexual relationship with...not someone who will run away, not someone who will 'tell', not someone who will scream, not someone who will expose them. Make your child a less likely victim because they are too risky to attempt anything with.


I know 2 men who were pedophiles and I swear to you, you would NEVER have guessed. They were average, respected, productive, loving family men with many good friends and close family members who trusted them implicitly. Neither were considered 'strange' or 'suspect' in any way shape or form. They weren't dirty, didn't act outwardly inappropriate or seem different in any way. They both repeatedly molested several of their immediate and extended family members. (both are dead, one without ever being prosecuted and one died while in jail, of natural causes) I can only imagine how many children were affected that we never even knew about, like neighbors and friends of the family. I also know of a man who was molested by a woman when he was 6 years old, I cannot comment on the woman who molested him because I never met her...but I am told she was just another average 'mom' type. Again, another 'trusted' family friend.

Please talk to your kids. Tell them that NOONE...not even you, should make them feel uncomfortable. That NOTHING should be a secret that feels uncomfortable. Teach them to use their instincts. Teach them that they can talk about anything with you. Talk about this on a regular basis and do not be ashamed to bring this up in family conversations. Do not allow secrets and 'fear of telling' to victimize your kids.

Remember, the ONLY 'experts' on picking out the person who should not be trusted are the people they are victimizing or attempting to victimize (the children). The rest of us are just guessing, and from the history of sexual molestation...we are not very good at guessing.


(stepping off my soapbox now)

 

[GoofieRuthie]

I agree with you wholeheartedly.

But we have to change our attitudes about more than just #2. Notice how many people say they would leave their children only with ''a family member or trusted family friend''. Um, they are exactly who are committing the VAST MAJORITY of sexual offenses against children. People really need to start realizing that it isn't the strange, trench-coated freaky looking guy who is seeking out your child, it isn't the obvious weirdo...it is the TRUSTED person you would never, ever guess to have such a dark, sick side to him/her.

So, what is the answer? We can't live in a bubble and suspect every family member of being a pedophile.

The ONLY thing we really can do, IMHO, is to empower our children by talking about this on a regular basis...not a one time talk, but incorporate a level of openness about this sort of crime into our conversations...even (especially) when family members and friends are around. Take the secrecy away and you gain power for the kids. You make them less likely to become victims.

Pedophiles, who are familiar with the victim and not murderous, are looking for victims who will keep the secret. An obvious 'freak' wouldn't be able to get your child to trust them...molestation is a crime that requires a relationship between the predator and victim. They gain trust and form a friendship with their victims so that they can convince them to do what they want. They want a repeat victim, someone who they can persuade and form an on-going sexual relationship with...not someone who will run away, not someone who will 'tell', not someone who will scream, not someone who will expose them. Make your child a less likely victim because they are too risky to attempt anything with.


I know 2 men who were pedophiles and I swear to you, you would NEVER have guessed. They were average, respected, productive, loving family men with many good friends and close family members who trusted them implicitly. Neither were considered 'strange' or 'suspect' in any way shape or form. They weren't dirty, didn't act outwardly inappropriate or seem different in any way. They both repeatedly molested several of their immediate and extended family members. (both are dead, one without ever being prosecuted and one died while in jail, of natural causes) I can only imagine how many children were affected that we never even knew about, like neighbors and friends of the family. I also know of a man who was molested by a woman when he was 6 years old, I cannot comment on the woman who molested him because I never met her...but I am told she was just another average 'mom' type. Again, another 'trusted' family friend.

Please talk to your kids. Tell them that NOONE...not even you, should make them feel uncomfortable. That NOTHING should be a secret that feels uncomfortable. Teach them to use their instincts. Teach them that they can talk about anything with you. Talk about this on a regular basis and do not be ashamed to bring this up in family conversations. Do not allow secrets and 'fear of telling' to victimize your kids.

Remember, the ONLY 'experts' on picking out the person who should not be trusted are the people they are victimizing or attempting to victimize (the children). The rest of us are just guessing, and from the history of sexual molestation...we are not very good at guessing.


(stepping off my soapbox now)

AMEN! Very well put! I was thinking all of this as I read all of the replies, but you put it into words much better than I could. My mother (and her sister) was molested by her own father for years. He was an upstanding citizen, well loved by everyone, a Sargeant in the Army, etc..... No one would have ever thought that of him. I had a female babysitter who had a teenage son. He locked me in his room and showed me his "privates" when I was 5. My mom and the babysitter were in the kitchen at the time. Thankfully, I was scared and said I had to use the bathroom and ran out of the room. This just goes to show that it can happen by anyone at anytime! This hasn't stopped me from trusting men though. My stepfather kept my youngest daughter all last year. I never worried about her. I knew she was in safe hands. I did however, let her know that she could tell me ANYTHING. I didn't want to scare her, but would casually bring it up and let her know that if ANYONE hurt her or made her uncomfortable she could tell me and I wouldn't be mad at her.

I think it's sad that the men have to be so scared, but unfortunately, I can't blame them. I wouldn't want my husband to be in that situation either.

My DD11 is a very hugable and loving child. She craves attention. It saddened me when I had to have a conference with her 3rd grade male teacher at his request. He had had to tell her not to hug him. He wanted me to be aware of it. I completely understood his point, but it was sad. I never would have thought bad of this man. He is a wonderful teacher. When kids are that young and learning to be away from their parents, the teacher is like another parent to them.

 

[poohandwendy]

I think it's sad that the men have to be so scared, but unfortunately, I can't blame them. I wouldn't want my husband to be in that situation either.

My DD11 is a very hugable and loving child. She craves attention. It saddened me when I had to have a conference with her 3rd grade male teacher at his request. He had had to tell her not to hug him. He wanted me to be aware of it. I completely understood his point, but it was sad. I never would have thought bad of this man. He is a wonderful teacher. When kids are that young and learning to be away from their parents, the teacher is like another parent to them.
__________________

It is really sad...but I agree, I would want my Dh to protect himself from ever being vulnerable to such accusations, because they are far reaching and have been known to literally ruin a persons life. I am sure there have been people who have committed suicide over being falsely accused.

I also think there should be very stiff penalties for those who are found to have falsely accuse someone of such a crime. Especially in cases of nasty divorces. It, unfortunately, has become a pretty useful tool of revenge in some cases.

 

[mommaU4]

This sounds mean and very discriminatory, but it's how I feel. I have never and would never allow my kids to be watched by a man other than their father. Right now my twin DDs age 5 have a male Kindergarten teacher and it really bothers me. Not to the point that I've requested they be moved to another class but enough that I really keep an eye on them and their behavior.

I'm just being honest and I cannot help the way I feel. In the majority of molestation cases that I've heard about it was a male commiting the crime. And it was usually someone the family knew and trusted, alot of times a family member. For that reason, I do not even trust male (extended)family members alone with my kids.

Is this unfair? Yes.

Am I being paranoid? Probably.

Am I only trying the best I know how to keep my kids safe? Absolutely.

 

[Sparx]

I'm not a parent, but I wouldn't let ANYONE watch my children that I didn't trust with MY life, let alone theirs, man, woman, child, cat. I don't care, but if I can't trust you, you're not watching MY kids. jmo.