Would this offend you?

[Alice28]

My DH got very mad at his mother last night----he faked that he had a bad connection so he could hang up before saying anything he would regret.

My brother in law and his wife have three kids (triplets) and they are on welfare and BIL can't get a job and SIL refuses to. They live in one of the rental homes my in laws own (they own 3 houses in San Jose---FIL passed away 2 years ago, so he's no longer around to keep things reigned in as far as money issues go). My mother in law has let them go rent-free for I don't know how long (at least a year), and before that they paid well below the market value in rent. A little background- my BIL has some learning disabilities, but is perfectly capable of working, driving, etc. and has held down jobs for several years. Anyhoo, long story short, my in laws have helped them tremendously since the kids were born (almost 5 years ago) and DH and I don't have a problem with it, as they certainly need the help. Since DH and I have been married, we have had to ask for monetary help twice from my in-laws, to the tune of about $2,000 over 10 years. Once was when DH was out of work for longer than expected and once was when I had to go on emergency maternity leave and was without a month of pay that we were counting on (got put on bedrest).

BUT, last night, DH was talking with his mother, and she said that BIL and SIL had her over for dinner, and SIL prepared one of those "free turkeys she gets from the food bank." My MIL loves to point out the food they get from welfare- I find this puzzling. I mean, who cares? She goes on to say "Well, at least it's my tax dollars at work....and I've certainly helped you guys out too, so I feel it's fair in the long run." WHAT????????????? Like I said, DH had to just hang up the phone, but didn't let her on that he was furious.

I was pretty offended as well----I understand my BIL and SIL are having a hard time, and my MIL can help them all she wants- I don't feel things have to be even-steven.....but to say that things are "Even" because she has given us a little money over the years, but have let them live rent free or reduced rent for 5 is a bit skewed. We don't "need" her to keep a roof over our heads, or clothes on our backs, and we certainly don't need her tax dollars to put food on our table.

Thanks for letting me vent. I'm proud of DH for not blowing his top with her, as usually they have that kind of relationship.

 

[CEDmom]

Personally I'd let it roll off my back. It doesn't sound like your MIL would get the difference between the lives her 2 sons lead so it's not worth the aggravation to try to set things straight. I think your DH was smart to let it go.

 

[tlgoblue]

I don't know if it would offend me, but it sure would steam my clams! Good for your DH in his descision to avoid an ugly bickering session. I have to say that my inlaws never compared what they did for their boys, though it was clear they favored my Dbil. Too bad really, because he was sort of a bridge between DH's parents and us. He died a few years ago, and now the awkwardness between DH and his parents is painful. Try to keep your hurt feelings from unbalancing you. I'm sure it was just Mil trying to justify her actions, which as you indicated, she really doesn't need to. Parents have a way of knowing who needs help when.

Keep the Faith!
Tracy

 

[Serena]

I may be way off, but could she be wanting to hear how you all really feel about her helping the others? Maybe it was her way of seeking approval. maybe?

 

[Alice28]

Thanks for your replies- it helps knowing I am not nuts...

I am not saying a word to her about this as it's not my place. I'm just letting it go. I think since my father in law passed away, my mother in law needs constant approval for her choices- it's very strange, as she is a very outspoken and opinionated woman, and she worked outside the home for 40 years- it wasn't like he was the sole income earner...it has startled me to realize how dependent she was upon my father in law, whom she regularly criticized for his decisions about money/investing/etc. Now she is a very rich woman, and will be comfortable for the rest of her life, but it's like she challenges us to challenge her about the way she spends her money. DH has told her over and over again, "Mom, I don't care that you help out "Jonny" (BIL) more than us- it's your money----DO WHAT YOU WANT WITH IT." Then she'll start this big bru-ha-ha about how he does too care, and it should be even etc. I think she is SO worried about things being equal, but it just can't be...."Jonny" and his wife NEED her help more than we do, and that's fine with us. It's like she can't accept that we're really okay with it, because perhaps she wouldn't be if she were in our shoes, I don't know. And every time she does give us money, or something of monetary value, she tells us what she did for "Jonny" so we know it's equal. I am an only child, so is all this "equal" stuff normal in most families? I know things will work out in the end- there is plenty of assets and money for everyone to be comfortable should something happen to her.....I just hate that she's so vexed about M-O-N-E-Y and having to prove herself about it all the time. Very strange.

 

[AspiringCindy]

You are wise not to get involved and voice your opinion! Perhaps MIL needs this type of relationship with BIL & SIL to help her feel needed and validated!
You should just count your blessings that you have everything you need and that you and DH can provide for your family!

 

[DocRafiki]

Yes, I'm sure I would be offended. Sounds familiar, but I won't go into my story.

It sounds like she doesn't really believe that she's helping them equally; maybe she just said that to try to convince herself and your DH that things are equal. Hey-- I would tell her that if she feels some sort of guilt about giving the other family so much, she could always write you a check.

 

[Kimickey]

I just wanted to add that since her husband has died maybe she feels as if she still needs to take care of someone and that someone is your BIL & SIL. She may not relize that what she is offending anyone because she's so used to being a caregiver. I would not take it personal, I would just let the water roll off of my back and good for DH, sometimes we have to do things like that to our parents in order to stay sane.

 

[Pat]

I would not take it personally. There is probably nothing you can do about it to change her mind or to alter her opinion. I think your husband was smart to hang up and not get into it with her. It was probably not worth it, she would just get angry at him. It sounds like she is trying to justify (to herself anyway) that she is helping them out.