Would someone proof read this for me?

[Twinkles6892]

For Language and Writing Seminar we're writing essays about a place we knew as a child and then went back to and realized how much it/we had changed. Well, my teacher hates me and thinks I can't write and has been over this piece of writing a million times (I'm in class right now) so can anyone edit this for style? I think I've fixed it, but opinions would be appreciated

Down a winding road, just outside the central village of Winterport and up a steep hill resides the house where I lived when I was in elementary school. Behind that house was a large playhouse my father built for me. I had it furnished with all sorts of memorabilia such as the dried Lady Slipper that I accidentally picked for my mom when I hiked to the top of the hill that was our back yard, numerous, colorful, beaded friendship bracelets I had accumulated over the years, and garden snake skins that my dad collected for me. My palace seemed as vast to me as a real castle, with untouchable ceiling beams and enough floor space for myself and all of my subjects. My little pink lawn chair, sturdy and unfailing, sat perched like a throne next to the window so I could see all who dared to come close to my fortress and my red dish with the smiling face and other various pots and pans strewn across the floor for making my world-famous mud pie. But within my stronghold there was one area that I had never ventured into: the loft. I just knew that there was some evil presence, waiting for me, crafting its attack, up in those eves that I would some day have to face.

 

[disneyeveryyear]

Megan,

Here are a couple of quick things I noticed (not an English teacher, but a nitpik):

Winterport,
steep hill,
a house can't "reside" - a person does - maybe "is located"
playhouse, my palace,
memorabilia: such as... yard; numerous...years; and...me.
and pans, used for making my world famous mud pie, were strewn across the floor.
there was one area into which I had never ventured - the loft.

Sounds like a good story -hope these help.

 

[NMAmy]

I just knew that there was some evil presence, waiting for me, crafting its attack, up in those eves that I would some day have to face.

Just real quickly--it's "eaves" not "eves."

I also think you should change the portion about the house "residing."

Otherwise, from a very quick reading, it was nice. Very evocative.

 

[Philagoofy]

I'm no expert, so these are just suggestions.

After backyard, which I think should be one word, use a semi-colon since you are listing various items, i.e. the lady's slipper (this is the way it appears in the dictionary); the bracelets & the snake skin.

I agree with disneyeveryear re: reside, try another word.

After fortress I would end the sentence and start a new one: My red dish with the smiling face and other various pots and pans that I used for making my world-famous mudpies were strewn across the floor.

Do they still frown on starting a sentence with but? Maybe "Yet" would work?

After "into: the loft", how about "into...the loft".

Last sentence, a little restructuring, how about:
Up in those eves I just knew that there was some evil presence, waiting for me, crafting its attack, that I would someday have to face.

Hope this helps. You did a very nice job, has me interested!

Oh, that's great, I'm trying to give advice & didn't notice eaves spelled wrong, although I thought it looked a little strange when I was reading it.

 

[luvmydogs]

You could also change:


But within my stronghold there was one area that I had never ventured into:

To:

However, within my stronghold there was one area into which I'd never ventured:

And:

I just knew that there was some evil presence, waiting for me, crafting its attack, up in those eves that I would some day have to face.

To:

I just knew that there was an evil presence that I would some day have to face... waiting for me, crafting its attack in the eaves above (or something like that, adding a little more descriptiveness beyond just "the eves.").

Sounds good, Megan.

 

[CarolG]

Just a couple of things not previously mentioned...

"...numerous, colorful, beaded friendship bracelets..." Looks like too many commas. Try "...numerous colorful beaded friendship bracelets..."

"...enough floor space for myself and all of my subjects." I think you should replace "myself" with "me".

Now I want to know what's in the loft!

 

[TurboKitty]

I'm no expert, so these are just suggestions.

After backyard, which I think should be one word, use a semi-colon since you are listing various items, i.e. the lady's slipper (this is the way it appears in the dictionary); the bracelets & the snake skin.

I agree with disneyeveryear re: reside, try another word.

After fortress I would end the sentence and start a new one: My red dish with the smiling face and other various pots and pans that I used for making my world-famous mudpies were strewn across the floor.

Do they still frown on starting a sentence with but? Maybe "Yet" would work?

After "into: the loft", how about "into...the loft".



Last sentence, a little restructuring, how about:
Up in those eves I just knew that there was some evil presence, waiting for me, crafting its attack, that I would someday have to face.

Hope this helps. You did a very nice job, has me interested!

Oh, that's great, I'm trying to give advice & didn't notice eaves spelled wrong, although I thought it looked a little strange when I was reading it.

No fair, you took all my suggestions (and had a few new ones, I'd missed)!

 

[DisMN]

I'm no expert, so these are just suggestions.

After backyard, which I think should be one word,

Not to nitpick but back yard is two words.
OT I saw "ashame" written today and that's two words too. Now if I'm ashamed that's one word but if it's a shame that the back yard is flooding....two words both times.

OP, fun story. Keep us posted on what's in that loft!!

.

 

[Philagoofy]

Not to nitpick but back yard is two words.
OT I saw "ashame" written today and that's two words too. Now if I'm ashamed that's one word but if it's a shame that the back yard is flooding....two words both times.

OP, fun story. Keep us posted on what's in that loft!!

.

I was just going by my dictionary for backyard, they had it as one word, but I guess it can go either way.

As for my suggestion: Up in those eves I just knew that there was some evil presence, waiting for me, crafting its attack, that I would someday have to face. Doesn't sound right. Maybe:

I knew that someday I would have to face the evil presence that lurked in the eaves, waiting for me, crafting its attack. Not too crazy about this either. I don't mean your idea, I like that, just isn't coming out quite right. Maybe your way was best.

 

[Twinkles6892]

Thanks guys. I'm loving it because this is the way I had it written originally, and the crazy guy changed them. He also made me write it so that I was scared of something in the loft, not that I was scared of it because of the height, because apparently since I climbed to the top of the hill it was controdictory? (sp?)

Is the semester over yet?

 

[Uncle Remus]

contradictory

 

[Twinkles6892]

hehe, thanks

 

[CheshireVal]

You need a comma after 'hill' in the first sentence, because that's a nonessential phrase.

Also, some teachers don't like for you to start sentences with "But," (which is technically a fragment) but some will give you the poetic license to do so.

 

[Philagoofy]

Thanks guys. I'm loving it because this is the way I had it written originally, and the crazy guy changed them. He also made me write it so that I was scared of something in the loft, not that I was scared of it because of the height, because apparently since I climbed to the top of the hill it was controdictory? (sp?)

Is the semester over yet?

You know, I kind of thought that was a little weird about the loft when I first read it. It didn't really seem to have anything to do with how it or you changed since going back. But (oops-don't start a sentence with but) he's the teacher so he knows best. Almost sounds like the beginning of a Stephen King novel. Something evil lurking in the loft, bwhaha.