WORLDCOM LOST $3.3 BILLION DOWN HOLE IN STREET
Company Had Kept Huge Amount of Assets in Nickels, Quarters
Delivering yet another blow to the already battered telecom sector, WorldCom revealed today that it had lost an estimated $3.3 billion down what it termed a hole in the street.
While stock market insiders speculated as to whether the hole in question was a manhole or a steam grate, there was no disputing one basic fact: the $3.3 billion is gone forever.
Company spokesmen were tight-lipped on the particulars of how the money was lost, except to say that the company had kept a huge amount of assets in nickels, dimes and quarters which company founder Bernie Ebbers accidentally lost down the hole in the street.
But as corporate governance watchdogs cried foul, saying that it was hard to imagine anyone losing so many coins down one hole, a spokesman for Mr. Ebbers further muddied the situation by saying that some of the coins may have been lost in a defective Coke machine at company headquarters."
The latest WorldCom scandal seemed likely to increase calls in Congress for tighter limits on how many assets a company can keep in nickels, dimes and quarters.
And on Wall Street, stocks plunged amid fears that other companies may have also lost coins down holes but have yet to disclose it.
People are keeping a close eye on Tyco, said Jessica Mallet of Credit Suisse First Boston. There are rumors out there that [former CEO] L. Dennis Kozlowski lost over $5.4 billion in the cushions of a sofa."
****Borowitz Reports*****
Company Had Kept Huge Amount of Assets in Nickels, Quarters
Delivering yet another blow to the already battered telecom sector, WorldCom revealed today that it had lost an estimated $3.3 billion down what it termed a hole in the street.
While stock market insiders speculated as to whether the hole in question was a manhole or a steam grate, there was no disputing one basic fact: the $3.3 billion is gone forever.
Company spokesmen were tight-lipped on the particulars of how the money was lost, except to say that the company had kept a huge amount of assets in nickels, dimes and quarters which company founder Bernie Ebbers accidentally lost down the hole in the street.
But as corporate governance watchdogs cried foul, saying that it was hard to imagine anyone losing so many coins down one hole, a spokesman for Mr. Ebbers further muddied the situation by saying that some of the coins may have been lost in a defective Coke machine at company headquarters."
The latest WorldCom scandal seemed likely to increase calls in Congress for tighter limits on how many assets a company can keep in nickels, dimes and quarters.
And on Wall Street, stocks plunged amid fears that other companies may have also lost coins down holes but have yet to disclose it.
People are keeping a close eye on Tyco, said Jessica Mallet of Credit Suisse First Boston. There are rumors out there that [former CEO] L. Dennis Kozlowski lost over $5.4 billion in the cushions of a sofa."
****Borowitz Reports*****
Heads should roll for that! 
