Wondering about my real dad (long)

[siouxi31]

My story is a little different in that I'm adopted. I couldn't live with the "What if" factor and decided that I wanted to know him (and my birthmom). I was prepared to sever the relationship if he was a real low-life crack addict type person. It has nearly been one year since we first spoke and he e-mails me nearly every day. My situation is lucky in that he is a warm, funny, wonderful person. On the flip side, my sister is adopted too but she keeps hemming and hawing saying "But what if.....". There are alot of reasons we can think of to keep from doing something. By the time you realize that some of those reasons aren't very important, it may be too late. If you do choose to find him, I wish you the best and hope that your situation would turn out like mine did.

 

[kristen821]

My DS (29) recently found out he fathered his former girlfriend's son. They had been together 3 years but she was very controlling and eventually even became physically abusive (I saw it first hand) so he finally asked her to leave. She had a small son at that time, and wanted to "try again" so for the sake of her son my DS allowed her to come back but after a few days he realized it really just was not going to work so made her leave for good. Shortly after that, he found out she was pregnant, but she was also dating someone else so he kept saying the baby was not his.

The baby was born in June, and a couple of months ago a paternity test was done and my DS is indeed the baby's father. He signed away his parental rights and it just tears my heart out. I never in a million years thought he would do something like that. I have not talked to him about it, as I feel he's old enough to make his own decision, but I completely disagree with the decision he made, and I feel he will be sorry for it later. He wants nothing to do with his son, it's so sad.

He has a 12-year-old daughter and a 9-year-old son from his first marriage (he became a father at 17 and married the baby's mother at 18 and they lasted 5 years) and has half custody of them. He has the children a week, then their mother has them the next week, etc. It works quite well for them, and he is very involved in their lives and is a good Dad with them.

So for the life of me I just cannot understand why he wants nothing to do with his baby son, and after Christmas I just may have to sit him down and have a talk with him and find out WHY, so I can understand, or at least TRY to. But, my DH and I DO want to have a relationship with our grandchild. This little boy is just as much our grandchild as the rest of them are so we want to be involved in his life, and thankfully his mother is very willing to let us be involved (she wouldn't have to, I know). But, I found out yesterday our son is trying to make it so WE can't have a relationship with the baby either, and believe me, that is NOT going to fly!!! He has no right whatsoever to keep us from that baby. And after Christmas I will tell him so!

I just wonder what things will be like a few years down the road. Our DD has a son just 4 months older than this baby, and they will more than likely be in the same class at school. The child will know who his father is, and how will he feel knowing his own father wants nothing to do with him? It just tears my heart out and I have shed so many tears over the situation, but don't really know what I can do about it. I don't want to alienate my son and have him not want anything to do with me, but I want to know his REASONS for what he's doing. So, like I said, after Christmas I think I will be talking to him. I just hope he "comes around SOON" and realizes what a mistake he made!!!

This must be so hard for you. I really wish you the best. Your grandson will be so thankful to you in the long run. Grandparents are the best!

 

[Tiffann4k]

My oldest daughter is from a previous relationship. At the time I was 18, he didnt want anymore kids ( he was 21 with a 2 year old ) so he wanted me to "take care of it" if you get my drift. Anyhow, 3 months into the pregnancy I found out he was cheating so I left him, that same weekend I left he got his other babys mom pregnant again. A month after my daughter was born he seen her....would call me all the time telling me we would get back together blah blah blah...this went on up until I met my now DH ( when my daughter was 5 months old) and got married ( when she was 8 months old). Right after she turned 2 years old I took her to see him again ( he lives 1 1/2 hrs away) and that is the last time he seen her..she is now 9 years old. A few years into my marriage he slowed down his calling to about once a year...he would swear up and down he was going to start seeing her..what does she want for her birthday/christmas....etc etc etc. Has NEVER sent her a birthday card, Has NEVER sent her a present...NOTHING. Has never even made an attempt to even see her...so when we moved last year he did not get my new phone number or address ( if he wants it bad enough all he has to do is contact child support office, but apparently thats not a priority to him )

She knows that my DH is not her real dad because when her "donor" started calling saying he was going to see her stupid me thought he really meant it and sat her down and explained it to her. My DH is her REAL dad and will always be, he stepped up to the plate and has been her father since she was 5 months old.

I hope to god she never gets the urge to "find" her biological father. He has 3 other children to occupy his time and doesnt need another one ( well thats what he has shown to me over the years) My daughter knows who her real father is and its not the one that has ignored her all her life. His mother even had our contact info and never made an effort to call or write to her either. Oh I take that back, the one time her son was in jail( because of back child support ) and wanted to sign off his rights to my daughter she called, but then he changed his mind

 

[Feralpeg]

DD has never known her father. I had artificial insemination from a donor bank. I don't even know who her father is. Ocassionally, she will say something about wanting to find her father. I tell her that it is her decision. I will not help. I signed a paper prior to the procedure saying I would never try to find this person who was kind enough to give me a child.

I tell her that I will not stand in her way, however, she could be setting herself up for a great disappointment. If she does manage to find this person, he may not want any part of her. I realize our situation is different from the OPs situation, however, it sounds like both fathers made a decision not to be a part of their daughter's lives. IMHO, they should honor that decision.

The only way I would help DD find her father would be if it were a medical emergency. She has had a good and happy life without a father. I tell her to look at all of those people she knows who have a terrible relationship with their fathers. It could be so much worse. This is just my two cents for whatever it is worth.

 

[MamaLema]

I feel your pain

I am 30 and have never met my father. The thing that is hardest of all is that EVERYONE in my family knows who he is and NOBODY will tell me who he is.

For all I know I could be Mick Jagger's daughter!

 

[goofygirl]

Wow, what alot to take in. I'm glad you were able to get all that information though. I don't know what I'd do if I found out I had all those half brothers and a half sister!

The funny thing is that so far it hasn't been a question mark hanging over my head. At least I didn't think it was. I mean I just always told myself that it didn't matter. That I didn't care. Even when DH pushed me to try and find out some info I just said I had no interest in knowing and I meant it.
I'm not sure why it's an issue now. For 34 yrs I was blissfully ignorant about him, so why this little voice in my head nagging me now? So weird.

yes, it was quite an experience. Actually my mom had a harder time with it than I did because she knew my dad better than I did and she had a 2 year relationship with him, wheras he was a mysterious stranger to me.

You cited your kids for your sudden interest in your father, that may well be true. But from my perspective, since I don't have kids, I think the issue became more in the forefront due to age and maturity. In your teens and 20's you don't really think about the value and history of your family, you are more into your friends and peers. Then you get to a certain age (30's for me) where family and family history, heritage, blood, etc becomes more important and you realize the importance of it in your life. Just my experience and theory.