Why does one family's "honesty" have to try to ruin it for us?

[mom2my3kids]

I have a friend like that, she told her kids there was no santa, easter bunny, tooth ferry etc. I mean they were not babies but they were still little. I just feel they are only little once and they grow so fast. My daughter who is almost 13 knows this but she don't dare tell my 8 year old and 3 year old..

 

[mom2taylorandemily]

I have 2 DD's. My older DD met a girl in Kindergarden. They became instant friends and have been best friends now for 4 years. The mom and I get along and they have a younger DD a year younger than my DD6. The two younger ones get along, but theirs also never likes to clean up and she will sit on the floor and pout and temper tantrum if you even ask her too. I am lucky in that the mom is way on top of it. Now, when the girls get together, we go to their house, that way mom can control it and what punishment to divy out. Maybe that is a suggestion for you, go to their house. If that isn't an option, and they must come to your house, limit the younger ones to a family room and tell them that they can pull out only one toy at a time, and if they want another, they must clean up what they already have out before they get another. After a while the other girl will get the picture. Or maybe you can arrange play dates at a park, or Chuckee E Cheese. You get the picture, just limit how much the younger one can pull out and mess up.

Unfortunately, I also encountered the Santa issue this year with both my DD's. They both still believe in Santa, Tooth Fairy and such. Last year at the Harvest Party at our church, one of the little girls from my church told my older DD that Santa wasn't real. She burst into tears. I found out what happened, I carried my DD over to the other mom and I told her to fix what her kid had done. I told the other mom; "You may teach your kids one thing, but we tend to let our kids believe and I do not appreciate your kids ruining it for mine." I agree that if you want to teach your that make believe figures don't exist then, you also need to teach your kids to keep it to themselves. Yes, my kids will figure it out on their own, but I don't want their imaginations squelched at the age of 9 & 6. They are only in that magical time frame for such a short time, and there is nothing like the sparkle in your own child's eye as they see that dream character for the first time. I think you handled it very well. Good Luck!

 

[belle&beast]

I have a little different spin on the character thing. I told my DD4 that they were costumes because she was afraid. I told her it was our secret and kids aren't supposed to know so she has not told her brother or friends. She still loves them and it is magical, but it helped her to conquer her fear. Same thing with Santa. We have a very real looking Santa at our mall and he has been there since she was a baby, so all our pictures are the same. She thinks he is the real Santa and those with fake beards are helpers because Santa is so busy. But she knows not to tell other children.

I agree with the suggestions about play dates is to let the older girls get together. I'm sure it may be tough at first, but it should work out. My sister and I are 3 years apart and we did not always have friends over at the same time, we very often took turns. It was nice because while she was occupied with a friend, I had special time with mom or dad.

 

[Hannathy]

Myself I have a hard time believing any child doesn't know that the characters aren't real. The costumes and hard heads, unmovable fingers are pretty big give aways, let alone that there are different Mickey's everywhere. Mine knew by at least 4 if not younger! It doesn't spoil the Disney magic. Santa my kids again knew they were just people dressed up but believed in the magic and spirit of the real Santa. We talked about the "fake dressed up Santa's" but that as long as you believed it was special that Santa would come. Many children know the truth BUT play along for Mom, hear kids saying this all the time at school.

I don't believe that kids always have to include siblings in playing so I would invite the older and not the younger and explain as kids get older you can't just throw them together and expect them to get along. Let your younger one another day pick some one to invite. If it is only occasionally I wouldn't get upset over picking up when you invite someone that is the chance you take. If it is everday then you can say something and spell it out either pick up or no playing in the house.

 

[TallyHo]

Myself I have a hard time believing any child doesn't know that the characters aren't real. The costumes and hard heads, unmovable fingers are pretty big give aways, let alone that there are different Mickey's everywhere. Mine knew by at least 4 if not younger! It doesn't spoil the Disney magic. Santa my kids again knew they were just people dressed up but believed in the magic and spirit of the real Santa. We talked about the "fake dressed up Santa's" but that as long as you believed it was special that Santa would come. Many children know the truth BUT play along for Mom, hear kids saying this all the time at school.

I've never seen a 3rd grade child not know that Santa and dressed up charactors were real, and I've taught for 25 years. Why on earth would anyone want an older child to look so foolish? Santa, and charactors are loved in the heart and in the head...they aren't real.

 

[Hedy]

I don't think the Santa, etc. thing was unforgiveable, but if your DD doesn't like this girl, why torture her?

 

[laceemouse]

Well, none of my kids EVER believed that a SIX FOOT MOUSE was real! I mean, they have seen real mice and stuff many times. I also think they always knew that animated characters were just drawings, and the face characters at the parks are just actors. As far as Santa goes, other kids are always gonna tell them he is not real. That is just life. I always just say "Well, if you don't believe you won't get any presents (wink, wink)"

 

[crisi]

Are we alone in celebrating the critical thinking that came along with "Mom, I don't think Santa is real?" We were so proud of our kids when they made that leap. I suspect my son had "help" from his friends - and he certainly "helped" my daughter - but accepting the difference between fantasy and reality is an important skill.

Did you know gullible isn't in the dictionary?

 

[laceemouse]

Yep, can't imagine ANY school aged kid not figuring all that stuff out anyway. But if they haven't other kids are always gonna help them.

 

[laceemouse]

Are we alone in celebrating the critical thinking that came along with "Mom, I don't think Santa is real?" We were so proud of our kids when they made that leap. I suspect my son had "help" from his friends - and he certainly "helped" my daughter - but accepting the difference between fantasy and reality is an important skill.

Did you know gullible isn't in the dictionary?

Actually, I would think kids that think every character is REAL and every movie is really something that happened, or IS happening, they would have MORE fears? Interesting! My kids have never been scared of rides, shows, fireworks and stuff at WDW. Maybe it is because they figured out pretty young, like pre-school, that it is all fantasy.

 

[glass slipper girl]

I don't think the OP is suggesting that her DDs will believe in Santa or that the characters are real FOREVER, just that she believes RIGHT NOW and I don't think it is a crime for a parent to want their child to enjoy the time that they believe. She does have a right to be disappointed that another child tried to take that away from her daughter. She didn't say it was an unforgivable sin and the child should be banned from all holiday celebrations, just that she was disappointed. Entirely reasonable. She also never said her DD thinks that ALL of the characters are real and not costumes. As I said, my DS at 5 1/2 started telling me that Mickey etc. were just people in costumes but he still FIRMLY believes that is the "really real" Aladdin and Peter Pan. He still enjoys meeting the animated characters though. He also thinks the Scooby Doo movies with Sarah Michelle Geller and co. are the "really real" Mystery Inc. guys and the "drawn ones" are based on them. That's all fine with me.

I remember being younger and the family across the street from us had a daughter my age. They were different from us in many ways. One of which was that they did not tell their kids Santa, the Easter Bunny etc. were real because they felt doing so would be lying to them. They also told their children there was no God because we had no PROOF that there was a God. When we were in maybe 2nd or 3rd grade she was telling me all of this. I was old enough that I had doubts about Santa and knew the Easter Bunny was not real so I believed her about Santa too. It didn't make me feel silly for believing or make me feel like my parents lied to me...it made me feel sorry that she didn't grow up having the FUN of believing. The only thing I remember my mother having a talk with me on (And I have no idea if she talked to the Mom on it) was the issue of God. That is an entirely different issue though.

I don't see it as a problem if parents make decisions not to keep the fantasy alive for their kids. That is their decision and I respect that but I am in agreement with the OP that if they are going to do that, at this young age it would be nice if they explain that other families feel different so we should keep this secret to ourselves. I know it doesn't GUARANTEE the kids won't talk but I do think a lot of parents forget that part of the discussion. I respect their right to be straight with their kids but I'd like them to respect my right to let my kids enjoy the "lie" for a while too.

 

[glass slipper girl]

accepting the difference between fantasy and reality is an important skill.

I agree with that BUT I would add that if the child is still enjoying believing in the fantasy, at this young age there is no harm in it. No need to disappoint them in order to teach a life lesson. It will happen in time when the child is ready to accept that difference between fantasy and reality without disappointment. Now, if they are 16 and still believing and still have the life goal of becoming a magical fairy princess...that's a bit different but "magical fairy princess" is a perfectly acceptable "career" goal for a 6 yo girl, IMHO.

 

[noodleknitter]

That is the way of the world! It went around our neighborhood. Started with the twins down the street (they were areound 7) to me and my best friends (6) to our sibs (5) to the little girl across the street who was even younger. It is a drag, but life is still cool, even if you know that Santa is a spirit, and not some obese elderly man.

 

[HappyLawyer]

i think we need to be honest to our children, if your child asks you that and you tell them differently, when they become older and realize that you have lied to them it may cause a rift, it may not seem like a big lie compared to the many that can be told, but if they ask if it is true, explain it in a way to keep it magical but keep it honest. On a second note, i do not feel that you should talk to the parent about what the child said, if a child was using profanity or speaking about something inappropriate that is one thing, but it is not as if the child lied-, she said something you did not want you child to hear but what she said is true. We must remember and i know it's hard but every family, every child is not immersed in Disney the way many of us are.

Good Luck

 

[HappyLawyer]

when the child gets older, she could say
hey, if mom lied to me about the disney characters when i was little, what else did she lie to me about
sex,
drugs, booze, it may sound far fetched but it's something to give thought to.

 

[noodleknitter]

It's kind of like when the first kid on the block gets the "sex talk." Kids have a need to enlighten others!

 

[fakereadhed]

when the child gets older, she could say
hey, if mom lied to me about the disney characters when i was little, what else did she lie to me about
sex,
drugs, booze, it may sound far fetched but it's something to give thought to.

That's what my parents thought. They were SO darned honest that I never had the fun of Santa or anything else I watched other kids enjoy year after year. Think about that.

OP, I was the kid who spilled the beans when I was little. I was just trying to be helpful because I didn't know any better because my parents were "honest" with me. I meant no harm by it. For my own kids, when they came to me with questions I always said Santa is real for you if you believe. They asked me if I believed and I said yes. That year Santa left me a nice little turquoise box with a white bow under the tree.

 

[Tam1067]

Gosh, I always knew the characters and the Santa at the mall were guys in costumes, and I've always told my kids the same. My kids did believe in Santa, but my oldest figured out the truth on his own when he was 6, and when he asked, I told him the truth, which he already knew down deep. Lying to a child who asks is just plain wrong.

I'd hate to have a child who is 7 or 8 actually believing those characters are real. My personal take on this is that sometimes, the kids pretend to believe for the parents' sake (my sister did this until she was about 12--or maybe she was just worired she wouldn't get any presents after that ).

That being said, I've told both of my boys not to ruin it for other kids. When my oldest had a friend recently refer to Santa as if he was real, DS got a good laugh out of it but didn't ruin it for him, which is the best way to go. On the other hand, parents cannot expect all kids to be so "nice" to a more naive child.

By the way, DS7 has a very good friend who is Muslim and who took a lot of heat at our local public school from the other kids for saying that he doesn't believe in Santa (he did NOT say Mom and Dad gave the presents--just that he personally doesn't believe or get presents at Christmas). The kids were really mean to him for not believing and probably revealed their parents' biases along the way, so it goes both ways.

 

[glass slipper girl]

I don't think anyone is suggesting lying to your kids when they ask. The OP said...

"She says that the characters at Disney are just people in costumes. Is that true?" DD6 is stil very much immersed in the Disney Magic and I have no desire to squash that anytime soon. I wasn't sure what to say, but looked at her and said "Well, what do you think?" Her answer, "I don't think that is true."

The OP didn't lie, she asked her DD what she thought. That is the most common response DISers give when people say "Help! My child is starting to not believe in the magic, what do I do?" The answer is to ask what they think. I believe in being honest with children but I also believe in giving them the appropriate amount of information. For instance, I am pregnant and when my 6 year old asks how did the baby get in there...I don't tell him "by magic" but I don't give him ALL the details either. So far my answers that I have given has satisfied him. If he asks for more info, I'll give it. I've given what I feel is appropriate for this age. Similar with characters. When DS asks about characters I don't lie...I ask what he thinks and he's never given me an answer. As soon as he starts asking more, I won't lie. Same with Santa. IMHO, I don't see that as deceiving them. I'm not on the witness stand in court. DH and I agree we won't lie to them. The dog didn't run away, he died etc.

Being disappointed that your child loses some innocence after having someone tell them all the "secrets" out there is very different from advocating lying to your child.

 

[noodleknitter]

So I hugged her and said, "I don't think so either". Not really outright lying! DD then whispered to me "She also said that her Dad told her he is Santa Claus, isn't that silly?" I hugged her tighter and said, "He is silly."
Continuation of the quote...

Actually the OP did lie. But then I don't believe that "magic" is an age appropriatea answer re. babies, either.

As far as being disappointed re. loss of innocence, well we all go thru it. Most don't find a need to go talk it over with the other child's parent, however.

Life doesn't have to be magic to be awesome.