Why do people "one-up" your bad news? w/clarification post #23!

[Jennasis]

Seriously? It's like being surrounded by a bunch of Debbie-Downers! I mentioned to somebody that we found out yesterday that our dog was dying and had months to live. She looks right at me and says "My sister was just diagnosed with Alzheimers". Another one asked me by e-mail how things were and I mention the dog..."My grandpa died last week" she says.

Are they trying to make me feel better by letting me know they "know" my pain, or are they telling me to quite my whinging over a dog when there are much bigger problems in the world??

Either way...STOP!! Let me have my grief for two blasted seconds!! Sheesh..

 

[moon]

Seriously? It's like being surrounded by a bunch of Debbie-Downers! I mentioned to somebody that we found out yesterday that our dog was dying and had months to live. She looks right at me and says "My sister was just diagnosed with Alzheimers". Another one asked me by e-mail how things were and I mention the dog..."My grandpa died last week" she says.

Are they trying to make me feel better by letting me know they "know" my pain, or are they telling me to quite my whinging over a dog when there are much bigger problems in the world??

Either way...STOP!! Let me have my grief for two blasted seconds!! Sheesh..

Didn't they even say "I'm sorry your dog is sick"?

I know some people just dismiss it when you suffer over a pet. I think that kind of people are really insensitive. It really doesn't matter if they regard an animal as not being anything important; however if they are your friends/family and they care for you they should aknowdlege your pain.

I'm sorry they don't want to let you grieve

 

[Angelhalo]

I feel your pain and COMPLETELY agree

 

[SandrA9810]

Well saying that their grandpa is dying or some one got diagnosed with a life altering illness is not really on the same level and really doesn't need to be mentioned.

I can understand some one saying that they've had to put thier own dog down before. Something to let you know that they sympathis with what you're having to go through, and you'll still make it through. But for the most part a simple sorry, you're dealing with this will go a long way.

 

[LuvOrlando]

-

 

[dismom2]

I'm so sorry to hear about your dog.

I know what kind of people you are talking about. I am related to one of them. No matter what you tell her, she's had it worse, and then you get the whole dreaded story, again. And it gets worse each time.

Another person comes to mind who thinks her problems are the only ones that matter. She deserves all the sympathy, nobody else, because her problems, in her mind, are much worse.

It can be frustrating.

Sorry again about your fur baby---they certainly are family members, and it hurts when they are ill.

 

[Evil Genius]

I think people are just trying to tell you that you aren't alone in being sad and grieving.

 

[Handbag Lady]

I don't think it has anything to do with the dog vs. humans.

Some people are just one-uppers and I hate them.

I'll say work is good and I love my job. Then someone has to go in and start talking about how their job is so much better, etc.

I say I'm having a bad day, well then they have had a craptacular day because their boss died and they have all this extra work to do.

Or, in your case, they immediately come up with WHATEVER they can to best your situation. Your dog is dying, well, then, they have CANCER! Duh-du-dun!

 

[Jennasis]

Didn't they even say "I'm sorry your dog is sick"?
:

Nope.

Whomever said "life isn't a contest" was right. I just want to tattoo it to my forehead.

 

[Imzadi]

I'm so sorry about your dog.

I think a lot of people can't wait to dump their own doom & gloom on someone. When they ask, "How are you?" they are not really asking. Notice there's no pause after you tell them or a moment of sympathizing with YOU. They are waiting for you to politely ask back, (some don't even bother,) so they can unload onto you their pain. I don't think most of them are even aware that they do that. They are too wrapped up in their own sorrows to go outside of themselves.


I learned never to automatically ask a former landlady how she was after she asked me how I was, when I gave her the rent check. She really didn't care how I was, and yes, she'd one-up me as she'd go off for 10 MINUTES about all her ailments. She only asked me how I was so she could unleash her littany of doom on me, expecting me to sympathise with her. Umm, I'm sorry, I'm not family, I'm not even a friend. I pay YOU. It's not part of the rental to listen to you.

 

[familyS]

Sorry about your bad news

Some people don't know what to say, and don't think! So they make it all about them, like that is going to help

 

[minkydog]

Awww, I'm really sad about your dog. I don't know how old he was, but I know how they can grow in your heart. Losing a dog can feel as painful as losing a child.

I don't know why people get into this kind of contest (and that is exactly what this is!) My mother does it and my sister does it. When I had a miscarriage and was absolutely paralyzed with grief, my mother took that opportunity to tell all her worst-case baby-dying stories from Labor & Delivery(she was a nurse.) When my sister called, her version of "condolences" was "You had a miscarriage? Well, haven't we all..." Please, everybody, don't try to comfort me any more. Please.

I'm sorry your friends are not sensitive. Perhaps they don't know what to say to you. But obviously they feel the need to say *something*. I think you might want to share your feelings only with those friends and family that you know are going to comfort and support you.

 

[dec5girl]

I think it is because people like to talk more than they like to listen. If bad news is the topic, they are ready to jump in with their latest.

I'm so sorry about your pet. It is a tragic time for pet owners, a day that we know will come, but we still have a tough time facing it. Sorry it's happening.

 

[Handbag Lady]

How rude of me.

I am really sorry about your dog. They are just shorter members of the family, aren't they?

 

[Rebelmom67]

Awww, I'm really sad about your dog. I don't know how old he was, but I know how they can grow in your heart. Losing a dog can feel as painful as losing a child.

uh, no, no it can't.

It sounds like the people the OP is pissed at, were just making normal conversation but the OP wanted it to be all about HER and HER pain. Strange.

 

[HeyIt'sMe]

I'm sorry to hear about your dog.

I agree that some people like to "one-up" news - - be it good news or bad.

But, I think some people just respond to bad news with their own bad news because they don't know what else to say. They figure if they share some of their bad news it might help you feel better. But of course it doesn't - there's no way it could.

 

[MushyMushy]

I'm sorry about your dog.

I don't know what's worse, when they try to one-up the pain or do a quick change subject about something extremely frivolous going on in their lives. "My husband lost his job" "Oh really? I just found a fabulous new nail polish!"

(no, that's not us, my husband didn't lose his job, I'm just using it as an example)

 

[JessicaR]

I am so sorry to hear about your dog.

I think many people lack true sympathetic skills and instead try to empathize. They think they are sharing a commonality with you but truly it would be so much better to just get some sympathy.

I don't believe the majority of people are trying to one up the situation. I think they just feel awkward.

 

[Belle0101]

I am truly sorry about your dog.

Count me in the camp as one whose intent is not to one up you, or anyone, by sharing what I have been through with my beloved dogs but rather to express that I completely empathize with what you may be facing. Not knowing me from Adam I might, and did, briefly share my circumstances so that you could see that I'm not just "blowing smoke" as it were. I am truly saddened by the choices you will have to be making and the loss to your family.

A personal example, when I lost my dog a number of people from another board took the time to send personal emails. While I treasure them all and appreciate their sympathy I most treasure, and have developed a friendship with, an owner whose dog passed with the same ailment as mine and only two days before. Not that the others don't empathize because I know they do but she so completely understands where I am emotionally. Knowing that she truly understands has been a blessing to me.

As for true one-uppers, and we probably all have someone we know, or knew, how they are, it may be best to limit what one shares with them. Knowing they will be trying to one-up can only lead to more upset when one is already upset enough.

I hope things are better for you tomorrow.

 

[minkydog]

uh, no, no it can't.

It sounds like the people the OP is pissed at, were just making normal conversation but the OP wanted it to be all about HER and HER pain. Strange.

I beg to disagree with you. Losing an animal can absolutely feel as painful as the loss of a child. Many people do not have children, but they have pets that are every bit as close to them as children might be. I have lost a child and it was painful beyond belief. But I would not deign to say that someone else's pain over losing a beloved dog, cat, or horse isn't a searing as mine was.