Why do I always underestimate... (a long vent)

[Virgo10]

I don't mean to hijack the OP's thread but I can't believe there are other people who feel/felt the same way about their mothers. It's not something I can even talk about that much but seeing this thread has left me with my mouth hanging open. I'm not alone.

My mother was a manipulative - hmm, can't use that word - woman who never made me feel like I gave her enough. When she died a couple of years ago, the feelings of dread I had when I thought of her lived on.

But this

You underestimate because you keep trying to "repair" it. You do it over, & over, & over, looking for a different outcome.
In the back of your mind you say...."this time I am going to have a real mother". You yearn, long, etc...You pick of the phone and for that brief moment when you put yourself "out there" you are hopeful.
Then she opens her mouth and reality runs into you like a brick wall, leaving you battered and bruised.

this is what I did to myself until the day she died. Somewhere inside of you, you know things aren't going to get better but you still try. If I only did this. If I was a little bit more of that. You try and try and it never works!

Hindsight is always 20/20 and looking back now I would have moved away years ago. My brother says I should just get over it but he wasn't the one who would face her day in and day out. The daughters get that not so lovely job.

OP, I'm so sorry for where you are but get away NOW. Don't waste one more minute of one more day trying to make something out of nothing. When you break away, you will be having the first day of the rest of your life.

Many to you and all the other survivors who told their stories here. I have tears in my eyes seeing what we've all gone through.

 

[beckmrk04]

I think you might be on to something here. Even though it was always understood that you would be together, there is something to be said for being asked so she knew and could anticipate her day.
It also sounds like you aren't so mad that you won't still "let" her take care of your pet while you are gone, but may not speak when you come home. That sounds like you are just using her for your convenience.
I know that it has been said on these boards before, but I will say it again because this weekend of all weekends should be the one to make people stop and think. She will not be with you forever. One day you will remember these words you have spoken to her and to others about her, as you are sitting by her bedside, as you are riding down the road, as you are wishing more than anything for one more moment with her. All of these little power struggles and battles between you will not matter anymore, because she is and was your mother and you love her and she loves you in the best way she knows how and those of us who have lost our moms would give anything for just one moment with that frustrating, aggravating, loving, wonderful, woman that raised us again. Please try, for you sake as well as hers.

I understand what you're trying to say- and this would work with normal moms. My mom is not normal. Calling me and my sister names that even sailors won't say isn't normal. Blaming everyone else for her unhappiness and problems is not normal. Acting one minute like I am the best daughter in the world and then, if I dare to disagree with her, not speaking to me for over a month is not normal.

If you had my mom you'd understand the heartache and frustration and desperation I feel.

But, I refuse to feel guilty. I try very hard to maintain this relationship. My mom, on the other hand, does not.

And yes, I already admitted that she might be hurt that I didn't call her sooner. HOWEVER- why should I have? She refuses to speak to me. Do I need to beg her? Sorry, not willing to do it. Not anymore. I cannot let her guilt trips control me for the rest of my life.

I love my mom. Dearly. And I'm sad that things are the way they are- but she refuses to acknowledge that she has done anything wrong- to her, she is nothing but perfect. And sadly, that's not true of any of us. My mom is wonderful sometimes. And if, God forbid, anything happen to her, those memories of her being that wonderful mom I knew would be the ones I missed and cherished. I won't miss the woman she is being right now- and this is a MUCH bigger issue than just this recent Mother's Day drama- It would take weeks to explain how this has unfolded over the years.

But I won't miss the emotional and verbal abuse or the power struggles. Maybe they seem minor to you, but they are not. And I know if you don't have a mother anymore your heart aches for them, but my heart aches for my mom too- the difference is my mom is alive: she's just not "there."

And yes, she's still going to watch my dog. She wants to. Is it convenient for me? Yes. Am I still upset with her? Yes. But, she agreed to do this a long time ago, and she'll take very good care of my dog- I know she will. But that has little to do with the emotional struggles we have been having for the last 14 years. And I am currently fed up with that.

 

[Mimi Q]

 

[beckmrk04]

I just wanted to say to all of you who have posted with support or similar stories or situations. I am grateful to hear the kind words or to know that I'm not the only person who feels like this, or has these struggles. Thank you!

 

[sharbear]

Wow, you've described someone I know. The resemblance is uncanny! This person is so mean to her kids it defies explaination, if there is someone who never should have been a mother it is this person. The kids are all still young and it breaks my heart to see them treated so.

Since so many of you have described a person like the one I know, what do you think is wrong with them. Is it a mental illness or what. I try to have an answer for the things that she does but I never can.

 

[inaminute]

It also sounds like you aren't so mad that you won't still "let" her take care of your pet while you are gone, but may not speak when you come home. That sounds like you are just using her for your convenience.

I'm sure she's well aware she's being used, as well. And most likely resents it more than anything. But, she's your mother and can't/won't say no.

How would you feel if you told your child that you'd take care of their dog. You have a misunderstanding. You decide that you're not going to give in to your child so you don't call (or whatever the reason might be). Your child doesn't call until two days before Mother's Day to find out what plans you had made. You'd already made alternate plans because you hadn't heard that the child was doing anything. Now, the child wants you to change your plans so she can make lunch for you on Mother's Day. And, oh, by the way remember Mom you promised to watch the dog months ago. Personally, I'd be very hurt and very angry.

Do both of you a favor and board the dog.

If you really want to break ties with your mother (and it sounds like that's where this is headed), now is as good a time as any.

 

[disneymouse]

my dh's mother is like this ..her condition is a personality disorder. NPD or narcissistic personality disorder..there is so much information on the internet about. even some support groups of adult children of parents with this disorder.

 

[Shugardrawers]

Wow, you've described someone I know. The resemblance is uncanny! This person is so mean to her kids it defies explaination, if there is someone who never should have been a mother it is this person. The kids are all still young and it breaks my heart to see them treated so.

Since so many of you have described a person like the one I know, what do you think is wrong with them. Is it a mental illness or what. I try to have an answer for the things that she does but I never can.

I firmly believe my mother is bipolar and she'll see a psychiatrist over her cold dead body so she's never been treated. She thinks she's just an over acheiver with occasional blue moods. It's the rest of the world that's got the problem

 

[Marseeya]

Wow, you've described someone I know. The resemblance is uncanny! This person is so mean to her kids it defies explaination, if there is someone who never should have been a mother it is this person. The kids are all still young and it breaks my heart to see them treated so.

Since so many of you have described a person like the one I know, what do you think is wrong with them. Is it a mental illness or what. I try to have an answer for the things that she does but I never can.

I've always thought my mother had some kind of mental illness, but there's no way on earth she would have ever gotten any kind of help. She could go from being loving and kind one minute, to a screaming maniac the next. If I said one wrong word to her (and trust me I said plenty I was enough to drive a saint to drink), she'd let fly with the name calling and insults, or she'd smack me with these windmill smacks all over my head and upper body. Then a few minutes later, it would be like nothing ever happened. One minute, she'd be calling me a slut or a tramp and the next she'd give me $10 "just because."

Now that my sister and I are out of the house, it's my poor dad who has to take her abuse. She's going to be the death of him and there's nothing anyone can do, because he won't leave.

 

[C.Ann]

This is a two-way proposition.. You should not have to "do all the work" or always be the one who initiates contact.. If you feel "guilty" about holidays and such, mail her a card.. Other than that, wait for HER to initiate contact with you.. There's no reason for you to beat yourself up over it..

Have a great day tomorrow and do something fun with your own immediate family!

 

[DVC Sadie]

When I was handed out a mother some one really was looking out for me. My DHs mom is another story and another entire thread.

To the op, AllyandJack and shugardrawers, Hugs to all of you!

My xanax was a lifesaver when we lived 5 miles from my mother in law and is only refilled and needed when I HAVE to go visit.

 

[luvdzne]

My mother was diagnosed with bipolar and personality disorder. I could write a book on all the things my mother has said, the names she has called me as well as all the hurtful things she has done physically and mentally to me and my siblings. All of this continues now even though we are adults.

OP: Don't cut all ties with your mother. You need to accept that she is who she is. It is a really hard thing to do trust me. Once you are able to accept her for the way she is and realize that there is nothing you did or could have done or will ever be able to do to make her or your relationship better, you will find it easier to have some kind of relationship with her. It will never be the relationship you want it to be.

It took a long time to learn to shut my mom off during these times, but I no longer beat myself up over trying to "fix" things. I don't let her guilt me into things, nor do I try to please her during these times. I have gone months without talking to her, she has missed holidays with my kids, and had to have supervised phone calls with them. Her actions now have consequences with where before "I" allowed her manipulate me. Where before I killed myself trying to fix her and our relationship. Like I said in my previous post when she is over her "episodes" I am there to welcome her with open arms, however prepared to shut them in a moments notice.




Again to everyone that is or has gone through this kind of relationship with their mother. Know that you are not alone.

 

[poohandwendy]

My mother was diagnosed with bipolar and personality disorder. I could write a book on all the things my mother has said, the names she has called me as well as all the hurtful things she has done physically and mentally to me and my siblings. All of this continues now even though we are adults.

I can totally relate, although my mother has not been formally diagnosed...you have to seek a professional opinion to be. And she never would.

It's hard because, like others, I keep hoping for improvement...and sometimes things are fine. It's even harder for two of my sisters who have suffered much more from her wrath. Every year I struggle with finding an appropriate MD card because she really expects something warm and fuzzy and noen really fit the relationship. Ironically, most people who meet my mother think we are so lucky... she really knows how to put ont he face.

Anyways, {{{HUGS}}} to all who have a strained relationship with their mother...I understand.

 

[Shugardrawers]

I can totally relate, although my mother has not been formally diagnosed...you have to seek a professional opinion to be. And she never would.

It's hard because, like others, I keep hoping for improvement...and sometimes things are fine. It's even harder for two of my sisters who have suffered much more from her wrath. Every year I struggle with finding an appropriate MD card because she really expects something warm and fuzzy and noen really fit the relationship. Ironically, most people who meet my mother think we are so lucky... she really knows how to put ont he face.
Anyways, {{{HUGS}}} to all who have a strained relationship with their mother...I understand.

DSis, is that you???? My mother would give the shirt off her back to anyone. Anyone except her children that is. Most everyone else eventually learns there is a price for her kindness but until then they think she's woman of the year. I've gone all my life with people thinking I must be a horrible person for my mother to treat me and speak of me the way she does. She's always happy to make me look like the villian. Like I said earlier. There's a reason I live on the east coast and she lives on the west coast. It's sad that you have to move 2000 and a continent away to have some semblance of a normal life.

 

[luvdzne]

Ironically, most people who meet my mother think we are so lucky... she really knows how to put ont he face.

I can so relate to this. People with bipolar do this well. My outside family never believed me when I told them things that were going on because she did put on a good face. Friends always told me I was so lucky to have a mom like her because when she is with other people she is a totally different person. This is one of the things that makes it hard for children to deal with. It makes them feel that it is there fault and they did something wrong. So they go through life wondering what they did, how they can fix what they did, and feeling guilty and that they were bad in someway.

I advise anyone going through this to seek a therapist. It has done wonders for me. Taught me a lot and made me realize that I did nothing wrong and cannot fix her. I learned to accept her for who she is. It is still hard at times, especially when I hear others talk about the close relationship with their mom's. I know ours can't and will never be that way. It is almost like you have to go through a grieving period, telling yourself that the mother you want is gone, was never here and never will be. Then accept the person she is and will always be.

 

[perdidobay]

I can so relate to this. People with bipolar do this well. My outside family never believed me when I told them things that were going on because she did put on a good face. Friends always told me I was so lucky to have a mom like her because when she is with other people she is a totally different person. This is one of the things that makes it hard for children to deal with. It makes them feel that it is there fault and they did something wrong. So they go through life wondering what they did, how they can fix what they did, and feeling guilty and that they were bad in someway.

I advise anyone going through this to seek a therapist. It has done wonders for me. Taught me a lot and made me realize that I did nothing wrong and cannot fix her. I learned to accept her for who she is. It is still hard at times, especially when I hear others talk about the close relationship with their mom's. I know ours can't and will never be that way. It is almost like you have to go through a grieving period, telling yourself that the mother you want is gone, was never here and never will be. Then accept the person she is and will always be.

This too is how I feel...... esp. the last paragraph. Therapy does help to let you know it's not your fault...but it still hurts.
to all of you and the OP who are dealing with mothers like this.

 

[lucyanna girl]

When people meet my mother their reaction is "what a sweet little old lady". She is very good at appearing to be helpless.
For most of my life I kept trying. Four years ago, after she hung up on me one more time, I quit. I have not seen her since and I am at peace. Family members have asked me "how will you feel when she is gone?" I can't know for sure until that day but I'm pretty sure I will be OK. I made my decision and I think it is one can live with.
I know this is not the answer for many of you but for me it is.

There is so much peace in not living with the stress and lies.
Penny

 

[luvdzne]

I started a new thread so we didn't keep hijacking the op's thread. Please feel free to join me.

 

[beckmrk04]

I started a new thread so we didn't keep hijacking the op's thread. Please feel free to join me.

I just wanted to pop in and say that I didn't mind. I just read your responses, as well as Shugardrawer's and poohandwendy's and I think we might all share a mom... Your stories are so familiar to me.

Thanks for your words of kindness and encouragement.

To be honest, I suspect that my mom is bi-polar. I would NEVER dare suggest it, though. I can't even imagine the wrath that would ensue. But, I'm currently seeking help for depression (and feeling great!!), and my brother has been diagnosed bi-polar, so it wouldn't be a shock if my mom was bi-polar too. She goes from happy to wrath very quickly.

It's crazy to try to explain my mom to people who don't know her, especially because they think she's fantastic!! What a fun, wonderful mom!! (Yeah- sometimes). And my mom never "beat" me, but I can't really explain the pain that she does cause, you know? And even though I KNOW her and what she's capable of, I always still hope for better. Maybe that's the optimist in me, or just that fact that I want a good relationship with my mom and she makes it damn near impossible.

 

[beckmrk04]

I'm sure she's well aware she's being used, as well. And most likely resents it more than anything. But, she's your mother and can't/won't say no.

How would you feel if you told your child that you'd take care of their dog. You have a misunderstanding. You decide that you're not going to give in to your child so you don't call (or whatever the reason might be). Your child doesn't call until two days before Mother's Day to find out what plans you had made. You'd already made alternate plans because you hadn't heard that the child was doing anything. Now, the child wants you to change your plans so she can make lunch for you on Mother's Day. And, oh, by the way remember Mom you promised to watch the dog months ago. Personally, I'd be very hurt and very angry.

Do both of you a favor and board the dog.

If you really want to break ties with your mother (and it sounds like that's where this is headed), now is as good a time as any.

Again, you have no idea what it's like to have my mother, or one like her. We didn't have a "misunderstanding." I have a mother who is verbally and emotionally abusive, and I keep trying to make it better. To no avail. My mom is still watching my dog because we had an agreement and she'll take better care of my dog than a kennel would. Unfortunately, she'll treat my dog better than she does her own kids.

And I said I don't know if I'm ready to break ties with her. And you could not possibly know, unless you have been there, how hard that really is to do.