Who's being more unreasonable? UPDATE: mom cooperated

[Marseeya]

My mom or my sister?

My mom: in her 70s, in a wheelchair and can't get around much. Lives with my dad and needs someone to care for her. She nearly died last Christmas and she's not well at all. She's still extremely strong-willed, domineering, and completely aggravating. Also very abusive to my dad and us too. She has no other commitments this Christmas. She usually has a small dinner at her house for my family, sister's family, my uncle and his female friend. This year she decided she wanted to do dinner on Christmas day around 2 p.m. Whatever. Fine with us.

My sister: has an 8 year old DD & husband. Husband's family is rather large and all live in the area. Very close-knit family. Sister usually has to work on holidays (hospital), but this year she gets both Christmas Eve & Christmas day off.

My sister called me the other day upset because she wants my mom to move dinner up to Christmas Eve like always. I told sis we'd have to do it later in the evening because we hadn't done our shopping yet because of the funeral. Then she suggested maybe we do dinner at noon on Christmas day. Turns out, her in-laws are having dinner at 3 p.m. and there's obviously a conflict. I asked if she could get her in-laws to move it up to 5 p.m. and have my mom move it to noon and that would make everybody happy. Oh no, she can't ask the in-laws to change it.

Talked to my mom and she's being stubborn about it and won't move it to noon at all, saying if sis doesn't want to come at 2, then she needn't come at all. Hmph, says she.

I think they're both being a couple of jerks. My sister's always putting her husband's family first and my mom feels like an afterthought all the time, but you can't tell my sister that or she just gets defensive and says it's ridiculous. On the other hand, my mom has no other commitments, so why can't she schedule her dinner around my sister's plans? She doesn't have to worry about us, other than the fact that we need to spend time shopping on Saturday.

And they're both putting me in the middle as usual.

ARGH! Why are families so freakin' difficult???

 

[Lyn5]

I have to agree with your sister (I don't know her past issues or not...but just going on what you said). It sounds to me like:

1. She tried to be accomadating and offered a few other times/days...even if her family would be stuffed eating lunch at 12:00 and then again at 3:00.

2. If she usually has dinner with certain families at certain times, it would be hard to deal with a sudden change.

3. If her in-laws have a big family...I would think it would be harder to move around that large family than your meal.

4. The reason your family can't have it sooner if because of shopping which didn't seem to be a delay she caused.

5. Finally, maybe she does put her husband first and could be closer to his family or mom more than your mom...maybe the kids enjoy it more there, I am not sure.

I hope you all can work it out and enjoy the holidays together.

 

[Sparx]

I agree with your sister. She tried to accomadate everyone and it didn't work out. She asked your mom to move it back a few hours and she wouldn't. She also doesn't want to have to change plans with teh inlaws over this. I think she should just have dinner with them and maybe see your mom on christmas eve morning. jmo

 

[tiggerlover]

I think if they both wanted to work it out than they would. Sounds like sis is trying different alternatives, but your mom is being set on her way or the highway. It truly is a shame and I am sorry you are in the middle of it.

I am glad I have an accomodating family who realize we have two places to be. We spend the morning with the in-laws, then it is off to my family at 3:00 for the rest of the day.

Good luck, I hope they can work something out.

 

[Beth76]

From what it sounds (wasn't exactly clear) that usually your family gets together on xmas eve, but this year your mom changed it. If that's correct, then I'm completely on your sister's side. Even if not correct, I think your mom is being a tad unreasonable about not moving it up.

 

[Marseeya]

I'm in agreement with you all that it's my mom who needs to change the schedule if she truly wants the family to get together. I can understand why it bothers my mother to always be put in second place with my sister & her family, but then she's not the most pleasant person to be around either!

Oh well. Such is life. I think we've all got to have some amount of family drama here on the disboards or it wouldn't be natural.

 

[becjlek]

It could be her MIL that is demanding. I know it is difficult to keep the peace between 2 families. Mine always has to change their plans because of my MIL. My folks understand this and try to go with the flow.

 

[Marseeya]

It could be her MIL that is demanding. I know it is difficult to keep the peace between 2 families. Mine always has to change their plans because of my MIL. My folks understand this and try to go with the flow.

Actually, my sister's MIL is a dream! I'd kill to have a MIL like that.

My in-laws live 6 hours away, so we don't have the same conflicts. We don't spend every holiday visiting the in-laws, so when we do go out there, my parents don't get upset. I put my foot down early on in the marriage and said we'd do NO travelling over Christmas because I wanted the kids to wake up in their own beds on Christmas morning and that's always worked out well.

 

[minniecarousel]

In our family, if you change your traditional time for Christmas celebration, you miss out on having everyone there. We always get together as a family on Christmas, early in the day. My brother gets together with his wife's family on Christmas Eve and again on Christmas evening. I say: the one who changed is outa luck!

 

[we3disneygo]

good luck......people get awful upset when you try to change a holiday dinner around....I tried to switch serving a holiday dinner with my aunt and it was not pretty.....things stayed the same...

 

[Wishing on a star]

I totally disagree that your sister is making your mother out to be second-fiddle. Why on earth would your mother feel this way. Sounds like a classic case of tryng to inflict 'mothers guilt'.

If I am correct, any time that the other inlaws are involved is taken very personally by your mother. It sounds like your mother is the one with fiddle, playing a 'poor me' song.

Also, it is not the inlaws are not the ones who changed their plans.
It sounds like your mother apparantly is well aware of your sisters plans with her DH's family, and she is the one who is refusing to take your sister into consideration.

It sounds like a power play to me. SHE has to be first. While your sister is trying to handle both families equally.

Unfortunately, many of us face situations like this. And, you simply cannot be at two places at one time.

I would have a very hard time trying to explain to my DH that we were going to blow off the big plans with his family because good old Mom is acting like this.

For me, the choice would be simple.

 

[monsterkitty]

I have a small famoly, DH has a large, demanding family.

On holidays we eat dinner with my family then dessert with his family. Is this a possibility with your sister? Eat dinner at your mom's then dessert at the inlaws.

 

[Marseeya]

Just wanted to post a small update that my mom has cooperated grudgingly and set the dinner to 1:00 instead of 2:00.

I hate to say this, I really do, but I don't think it'll matter much to my sister if she doesn't eat all that much at my mother's, because mom is a lousy cook.

 

[Marseeya]

I totally disagree that your sister is making your mother out to be second-fiddle. Why on earth would your mother feel this way. Sounds like a classic case of tryng to inflict 'mothers guilt'.

If I am correct, any time that the other inlaws are involved is taken very personally by your mother. It sounds like your mother is the one with fiddle, playing a 'poor me' song.

Also, it is not the inlaws are not the ones who changed their plans.
It sounds like your mother apparantly is well aware of your sisters plans with her DH's family, and she is the one who is refusing to take your sister into consideration.

It sounds like a power play to me. SHE has to be first. While your sister is trying to handle both families equally.

Unfortunately, many of us face situations like this. And, you simply cannot be at two places at one time.

I would have a very hard time trying to explain to my DH that we were going to blow off the big plans with his family because good old Mom is acting like this.

For me, the choice would be simple.

I love your little fiddle smiley.

In this situation, I agree that my mother is being unreasonable, but overall, she is right that my sister always puts her in-laws before our parents. Don't get me wrong, I understand why she does it -- like I said in my first post, my mom is a very unpleasant woman and is so difficult to be around. She'll never change. My mom comes from a family where the mother was the "grand matriarch" and could get away with murder, so she doesn't get that it doesn't work that way with us.

 

[shortbun]

Feeling lucky because all the in-laws co-operate with times in our family. We talk around Thanksgiving; adjustments are made and everyone is happy or doesn't talk about it. We're not perfect but this is one area we really make work.

 

[chyam]

I love your little fiddle smiley.

In this situation, I agree that my mother is being unreasonable, but overall, she is right that my sister always puts her in-laws before our parents. Don't get me wrong, I understand why she does it -- like I said in my first post, my mom is a very unpleasant woman and is so difficult to be around. She'll never change. My mom comes from a family where the mother was the "grand matriarch" and could get away with murder, so she doesn't get that it doesn't work that way with us.

Well at least you see it........I was thinking perhaps your sister has a more enjoyable time with her in laws and the larger family group, but she still was trying to make your mother happy by offering some alternative times. I come from a family simular to this, my mother was very demanding and always pulled the guilt trip, I'm sorry but someone like that is not someone I would chose to spend the holidays with. My mother has since passed and believe me I do miss her but she also made many days miserable to the people around her.