Where to get help with a kids' "sleep" problem?

[cotomom]

Way OT, I know...

But I'm in a quandry!

My DD, 7, will NOT sleep in her room! She wants me to sell her bed and sleep on a loveseat in my room.

If I tell her to stay in her room, she'll stay awake all night and cry and cry and cry...

If I lock my door, she'll bang on it until she passes out outside my door, sleeping in the hall.

If I lay down with her until she falls asleep, she immediately wakes when I try to creep out of her room.

This is a major, ongoing problem. She was never a good sleeper, from the get go. We had a family bed when she was a baby... and then had to lay down with her (for hours sometimes) while she was a toddler. We finally got her going on a good role in kindergarten, only to have it stop working in first grade. For what reason, I don't know...

I don't know that she had a 'traumatic' event to make her like this.

She's to the point where she doesn't even want to go to a friend's sleepover.

Any direction on where to turn?

 

[Jenn Lynn]

Is it because she wants to be in your room? Or does she want the loveseat? What if you move the loveseat into her room?

My opinion, which might not be the popular one, would be to let her sleep on the loveseat. Sooner or later (later?) she is going to want to go back to her room.

Maybe also try a Psychologist? Or consult the Pediatrician/Family Doctor first.

 

[Disney Princess 6]

I'm currently enduring a hair washing dilemma that is driving me nuts, so I can commiserate on that level.

What is the crux of this problem? Is your DD afraid of something?

Can you try a reward system? Like, if she can successfully sleep in her bed for a night she'll get something small - candy, jewelry, a toy. And if she can go two nights, something bigger. Perhaps the reward should be additional time with you - maybe a special dinner out with mom or a movie. Maybe time with you is what she really wants?

Just some thoughts from one frazzled mom to another.

 

[cotomom]

She says her room is too far away from me...

So I suggest to switch her room into the one directly next to ours. Nope, too far away.

My DH is just TIRED of the whole ordeal. He'd like some privacy at some point!

My Mom says she'll eventually outgrow it and not want to live in 'our room' when she's a teenager.

I've tried the reward thing. And that worked wonders with my 5 year old! Now he's the only one getting sleep at our house
But no dice with her... no reward will do it.

Thanks guys for the help!!!

 

[HollyJoy]

I agree with both previous posters... first of all, move the loveseat into her room, but maybe do it on a condition... it will only be in there for a certain amount of time (you agree on that...maybe a couple of weeks?). I think that eventually she'll move to her bed. Also, I agree with setting up an incentive. Would she like to have any of her friends over for the night? I think the key to the whole reward thing is to find the right reward. Works w/some children easier. If neither of these work, I'd sit her down and just tell her it's unacceptable. period. Punish her by taking away priveledges. Good luck! I know it must be frustrating.

 

[Jenn Lynn]

How about a sleeping bag outside of your door?

Has she been specific about why she doesn't want to be too far away from you? Has she seen anything on tv that might have scared her?

When I was little (3rd grade) I some how watched a tv movie about a guy who kidnapped and murdered boys and buried them. I was SO scared after that (I only told my Mom about this last week.)

 

[Beth76]

I hate to sound unsympathetic, but I think that's one of the risks you take when you have a family bed. Hopefully she will outgrow it soon.

 

[Jenn Lynn]

I don't think this is a family bed problem. Especially since she said she has never been a good sleeper. I know quite a few non-family bed kids who sleep outside their parents door or in bed with them.

 

[Pea-n-Me]

Have you read the classic Ferber book? Not everyone agrees with Dr. Ferber but at least you'll get an understanding of why this is happening and what you can do to improve it. (Don't underestimate the disruption this causes the entire family - no sleep can cause accidents, irritability, fatigue, headaches and worse). If things don't get better, your nearest Children's Hospital will probably have a Sleep Disorders Clinic. Try the book.

Good luck.

 

[stauncie]

How about a Baby Monitor? place the unit next to her bed in her room, and the receiver in your room. You will be able to hear her, but she won't be able to hear you. If you come (literally) running the first few times she calls your name, she will realize you will come if she NEEDS you, and that her room isn't THAT FAR away from yours. After a while, you will both have the privacy you need.

 

[mudnuri]

Okay heres a thought, that might work.

She wants to be near you...so swap her to the room across from you, however when you do this...make a HUGE ORDEAL about it.

DD6 hated sleeping in her own room, however she'd go to DD8's room, and DD8 HATED that! DD6 is a violent sleeper and DD8 never got any sleep!..

Anyway- what we did, was I took DD6 shopping to Wal-Mart, and she picked out a new bed set, sheets, comforter, curtains, etc... we made a huge ordeal out of this....she got to pick out whatever she wanted as long as it was a kids set...(no tiger stripped silk sheets for her!)..

anyway- we came home, and we moved her room around, we washed and put on her new sheets, hung her new curtains, did it all. She was so excited about her "new room" that she actually slept in it!.

DD8 was in on it, and she made a big ordeal about how DD6's room was now so much "better than her old bed stuff" she wished she had it etc....

I'm not sure if it will work but it did for us!.

and I must say- she picked out a very cute flower power bedroom set, that actually matched her wall color!...

Good luck! and I know my DD8 would feel for your DH....she wanted her room back too!

Brandy

 

[jfulcer]

Originally posted by Beth76
I hate to sound unsympathetic, but I think that's one of the risks you take when you have a family bed. Hopefully she will outgrow it soon.

Ditto on that, although that may not be the popular opinion. She was used to it, and doesn't want it to change and will fight you tooth and nail to get back what she is comfortable with.

I agree with trying to find out why she doesn't want to be so far away from you, even though it just may be a room or two. Have you thought about getting a baby monitor and putting it in her room? That way if she wakes up and is scared she can be sure that you guys will hear if she calls for you. (of course, you *will* need to come when she calls) She could just be afraid to be 'alone' and this may help. Maybe take a picture of the two of you together snuggling in her bed and let her sleep with that? Or get a stuffed animal (new) that she may like and tell her to pretend it's you and give it big hugs in her own bed....

Good luck!

 

[HugsForEeyore]

Oh my goodness! I babysit a girl who is EXACTLY the way you describe! The girl I know is 10 years old, and still must sleep with one of her parents. When she was born, she slept just fine in her crib by herself. When she outgrew the crib at age 2 and a half, the problems started. She would always wander to her parent's room and sleep. They let her with no issues until about age 4, when the parents decided it was time she slept back in her room.

Well, it's now six years later, nothing has worked. This girl is 10 and will fall asleep in her own bed, but within a hour or two, will join her parents in their bed. Bribes or rewards are meaningless to her. She wants to be with her parents and that is all that matters in her mind! Like you, if the parents lock their door, she'll bang on it and cry, and make so much noise and wake her younger sisters and then everyone's up! Even when she does sleep with the parents, one of the parents always has to stay in their bed with her or she'll wake up crying looking for them within minutes, so the parents can't even try to sneak away. Sometimes the dad will go sleep elsewhere in the house, which is sad. The girl also tosses and turns constantly and literally grabs one of her parents when sleeping! I know all this since I done overnight babysitting jobs with her, and now I refuse to do!

Must say, this girl has had other issues, and they are leaning towards a "SID" diagnoses (Sensory Intregration Dysfunction). But unfortunately, there is no easy answer for this girl's sleeping problems, as the parents are trying a therapist now.

As for your daughter, I don't know what to suggest, as not much has worked for the girl I know. Guess I can only wish you some good luck!

 

[calypso*a*go-go]

We had the same problem with our DS, 9. The kid will not sleep through the night. I don't know why he is this way...but he is. I would lay down with him until he fell asleep, sneak out, and within an hour or two he would be standing next to my side of the bed. Sometimes this would happen three or four times a night. I would always bring him back down the hall and lay down with him again and so on, and so on.

No one will probably like my solution but out of desperation for a full nights sleep I put a TV in his room. He was told if he woke up in the night he could come to our room if there was an emergency. Otherwise he could turn on the TV to only certain channels (w/the volume off or very low) until he fell back asleep. I'll be honest, for about the first week he walked around like a zombie but DH and I were finally having undisturbed sleep. After awhile he was sleeping at longer intervals and some nights he doesn't turn it on at all.

Am I happy with the situation? Not completely -- but I know it isn't as bad now, as it was.

Good Luck !

 

[kaylajr]

WOW i was just coming here to post a similar qiestion as i am having a problem with my DD who just turned 11
about 1 time a week she will sleep the night thru otherwise she is always waking me up
i try to be understanding but i would like to sleep in my bed alone with DH also she needs to sleep better for her health
we have an appointment at the Dr when we get back from FLA
hopefully something will help I"M TIRED.... especially since i am up at 3 am everyday to see DH off to work

 

[goofy4tink]

Seems to be a lot of us in this boat!! I've been tryng to get my dd up for 40 minutes now!!! She goes to bed at 9:30 but is back up around 11 -12 and is reading. We've been to the pedi and looks like a trip to a counseler is next. We've had a lot of family deaths over the past year so I know that's an issue but she has always had a sleep problem. We did try 'Ferberizing' and that worked for a bit but we're back at 'sleepless in Ma' again!!!

 

[The Mystery Machine]

My older dd was a "difficult" child. I have had most problems in the too short of 13years.

I have found that the "success" with any problem rests in a plan of action from both parents. You have to 100% on the same page as each other. Any "sign" of weakness and you must start all over.

So plan how you & DH want to "begin". Create a strategy that you guys think will work and agree to 100%. Very important part of the process. Then present it to dd and stick to it. If you must do "tweaking", discuss "in private" with dh and then tweak.
Never, ever let her see you and dh disagree on this subject. Otherwise, you are starting from square 1!

Good Luck!

 

[clh2]

The Ferber book is a great reference. The methods didn't work for us because of 2 issues - there were enlarged tonsils causing lack of sleep, and our DD's daycare made her take a nap - it was a state law - so we had to deal with it.

This sort of leads me into my theories on kids and sleep. Kids have a certain amount of energy they need to expend each and every day - or they aren't going to sleep well. It is harder when school starts to make sure kids get enough excercise. Is there anything at a park & rec department you could sign her up for - i.e etumbling, gymnastics, dance, swimming etc?

I find that if DD has had some excercise (more than what gym class provides) she sleeps much better.

Good luck solving this problem!

 

[cotomom]

Many, many thanks to all of you who took the time to respond!

I will look into the Ferber book. Do you think it'll work with an older child? (i.e. not baby or toddler) So many things I've seen are specifically geared to the really young crowd.

My DD plays soccer 2x a week and gets alot of exercise on the other days... I'll try to find more!

**She** has told me that if I were to buy her a tv, she would stay in her room. But I've held out, thinking that she'll only stay up later to watch XYZ. She does have friends that have TV's in their rooms and believe me, I have been tempted, but ... I just don't know if that'll help or hurt.

I plan on really sitting down and talking about this whole situation again today after school. To see if I can get to the crux of the problem. Maybe it was a scary show? Her Dad is a policeman and that certainly can't help her fears in today's world......

At any rate, I'm still around, checking in on this and am MORE than appreciative of any advice. Even the comments from the non family bed ones were appreciated! You have NO idea how I wish we hadn't done that 7 years ago! But it didn't last long, and it hasn't been 7 years of family bed. She can sleep alone, i.e. not in OUR bed, but just wants to be in close proximity....

Thanks!!!

 

[piratesmate]

Another thought about the love seat...
How about putting it in her room & stay with her until she goes to sleep BUT let her pick which she sleeps on & you lay down on the other. How about adding a body pillow to her bed? If she's wrapped around that, it may feel like another body next to her.

I'd be reluctant to give in on the TV. Maybe a nice CD player/radio unit so that she can have music if she wakes up. I want to have the TV & computer in family areas where I have more control over when/how they're used. JMHO