When your adult child dates somebody with a child...

[prncess674]

I no longer let myself get close to our DS's wives or girlfriends, or the woman's children.

When he and his first wife divorced I was devastated. I never wanted to go through that kind of hurt again. He then had a live-in girlfriend for 3 years. I did not have a good feeling about her, but gave her the benefit of the doubt and told myself if she made our DS happy then that's what mattered. But I didn't allow myself to get close to her. She had a young son and while we enjoyed him we didn't allow ourselves to get close to him. After that relationship ended, he got with another girl and ended up marrying this one. I wanted to form a closer relationship with her and her two children, as we really liked her a lot. But I just had this nagging feeling that it might not work out, and 3 years later they split up and divorced.

He had another girlfriend for a couple of months, but we never met her children. I don't get excited about his girlfriends anymore, because they don't last. It's just a long string of broken relationships and I refuse to let my heart be broken again like it was the first time.

Probably not what you want to hear, sorry.

Did you ever stop to think that a cold/harsh mother in law could be a source of friction in your son's relationships. Think about from the woman's perspective. She loves and cares for your son yet you treat her as a distant person who isn't really part of the family. So sad that you can't let love into your heart.

If my son is ever in this situation and it looks serious I will have a sitdown or at least a good telephone call to all my family and tell them what is going on. And I will strongly emphasize that if they get married those are my grandchildren. I am not their step grandmother and he is not their stepfather. They are not step uncles and step aunts. I really don't think my family will even need to be told but I will let it be known so there is no misunderstanding. In looking at the crowd my son hangs out with there are some single mothers in the group. I would not be surprised if he did end up as a father of another man's child and I would welcome that child with open arms and hearts.

You are so great in that way! This sounds exactly like my mom!

 

[Anna_Marie]

My MIL sure didn't have this problem - she didn't meet my children until the day of our wedding.

 

[MrsJackSparrow4Life]

Did you ever stop to think that a cold/harsh mother in law could be a source of friction in your son's relationships. Think about from the woman's perspective. She loves and cares for your son yet you treat her as a distant person who isn't really part of the family. So sad that you can't let love into your heart.

That was my initial thought as well. I can imagine a cold MIL would put a strain on even the best relationship. Especially if the GF/Wife has children that she feels are being treated badly.

As for the OP's question...in my family we don't bother with trying not to get attached. If we like the person and their child(ren) we welcome them with open arms. In fact we have a tendency to keep them when there is a breakup.

I spend more time with my ex-BIL than I do with my sister and I'm still really good friends with my cousin's ex-wife and her children. In fact my daughter was the flower girl in her wedding to her new husband and my mother did the wedding cake.

My brother has a new girlfriend and I've already told him I'm keeping her if they break up

 

[mlenz]

I am so Greatful to my Dh and his Family as soon as they we told them were serious even before we were married they treated my DS ( who was 14mnths when we met) like part of the family. The brad paisley song "He didn't have to be" always makes me think of DH. My son is 8 now and he calls my dh dad we have 2 daughters together and they are his sisters not half sisters.
He took DS and I to DL for the first time because he wanted to do something special for ds before our first DD was born.
He has adopted my whole family as his own and was my fathers primary care giver and best friend right up untill he passed away last month.
Even if we were ever to split up ( i hope that never happens) I believe he would still be dad to ds and friends with my whole family I jokingly tell him they like him more than they like me.

 

[MIGrandma]

Did you ever stop to think that a cold/harsh mother in law could be a source of friction in your son's relationships. Think about from the woman's perspective. She loves and cares for your son yet you treat her as a distant person who isn't really part of the family. So sad that you can't let love into your heart.

Wow. I'm sorry, but until you've walked a mile in my shoes you have absolutely no idea. I never, and I repeat never, treated any of our son's wives or girlfriends coldly. I just didn't get close to them. There is a difference there, seriously. You assume I treated them distantly. Not at all. They were always welcome in my home, here for holiday dinners, heck we even all went camping together. But, I just didn't get close to them. You have no idea what I went through when his first marriage ended. You have no right to judge me.

That was my initial thought as well. I can imagine a cold MIL would put a strain on even the best relationship. Especially if the GF/Wife has children that she feels are being treated badly.

See what I wrote above. Same thing applies. And I never treated any of the children badly. I have no idea where you came up with that. Wow.

No, I'm sorry you had to go through that with loved ones. You seem like such a sweet woman, and I'm sure it had to hurt a lot.

Anyway, my son is the type of person who will NEVER share his emotions with me or anybody. He came to me a couple of months ago and wanted to tell me something "important," and basically said he liked this girl "a lot," and that he was afraid to tell me she had a child. I just looked at him like he was an idiot and asked if he remembered that I was a single mom with him! As if I'd judge anybody else for that! I've talked to the girlfriend a few times and I can tell he really likes her, but at their age (he's 19 and she's 21), you know it could last forever or another week.

Thanks for sharing your experiences with me!

Thank you for your compassion, Mushy, I appreciate it.

 

[prncess674]

Wow. I'm sorry, but until you've walked a mile in my shoes you have absolutely no idea. I never, and I repeat never, treated any of our son's wives or girlfriends coldly. I just didn't get close to them. There is a difference there, seriously. You assume I treated them distantly. Not at all. They were always welcome in my home, here for holiday dinners, heck we even all went camping together. But, I just didn't get close to them. You have no idea what I went through when his first marriage ended. You have no right to judge me.

When you keep someone at a distance that is the definition of COLD! It's like saying I have no faith that you could possibly work out with my son so I am going to treat your relationship as doomed and waiting for the ball to drop. Tear down your own walls. If you keep the walls up you are guaranteed to be lonely and sad, but if let people in you can at least learn love.

Your handle is "MIgrandma" so you obviously have blood grandchildren. I can't believe you can be show such favoritism. "Steps" of any generation grandchildren, children, etc all feel the hurt and know that you are treating them differently. Treating children gained by marriage as second class citizens is pretty low. Taking lessons from a certain wicked step mother?

We get it, you got hurt once, so all other children who come in via marriage are no longer deserving of grandmotherly love?

 

[Nancyg56]

Did you ever stop to think that a cold/harsh mother in law could be a source of friction in your son's relationships. Think about from the woman's perspective. She loves and cares for your son yet you treat her as a distant person who isn't really part of the family. So sad that you can't let love into your heart.

!

This is really not fair. My DH is the same way with the GF's that come home. He "keeps his distance" with my nephews GF's and will until they are married. The girls never know that he is careful, they all think he hung he moon because is is wonderfult o them but he never opens his heart prematurely.

My Oldest got his heart broken with the last relationship, the one with those cure little girls. My DH was heartbroken for him. Now Donny has brought home a lovely young lady and we knew that when he asked me to make dinner he was serious. My DH has refused to let her get too close to him yet, he cannot protect Donny's heart this time but he is doing what he can. Again, the young woman does nto know becasue he s always good to her but when they make plans to marry he will open up.

It is impossible to protect your adult children even if you wanted to, as a Mother I get that. I also understand why parents do not get too close. THe pressure on their children is higher and the pain during breakups is magnified. Better to be friendly and maintain a prudent distance. Now once children are in the mix that really muddies the water. The little ones are always in teh middle of a breakup and they are not in control.

I am so Greatful to my Dh and his Family as soon as they we told them were serious even before we were married they treated my DS ( who was 14mnths when we met) like part of the family. The brad paisley song "He didn't have to be" always makes me think of DH. My son is 8 now and he calls my dh dad we have 2 daughters together and they are his sisters not half sisters.
He took DS and I to DL for the first time because he wanted to do something special for ds before our first DD was born.
He has adopted my whole family as his own and was my fathers primary care giver and best friend right up untill he passed away last month.
Even if we were ever to split up ( i hope that never happens) I believe he would still be dad to ds and friends with my whole family I jokingly tell him they like him more than they like me.

What a wonderful man. You chose well!

I always think of my DH when i hear that song too. I was alone with three kids under 5 after my first husband died. Buddy not only took my children as his own, he was the best Buddy my nieces adn nephews ever had. He also accepted my IL's as his own and 30 years later we still celebrate the Holidays with them. He is an Uncle to my niece an dmehew by my first marraige as well.
On my DS wedding day he escorted my lovely DDIL to my son, accepting her as his DD as well. My oldest is thinking about marraige and has mentioned asking Buddy to stand with him and his brother that day.

Wow. I'm sorry, but until you've walked a mile in my shoes you have absolutely no idea. I never, and I repeat never, treated any of our son's wives or girlfriends coldly. I just didn't get close to them. There is a difference there, seriously. You assume I treated them distantly. Not at all. They were always welcome in my home, here for holiday dinners, heck we even all went camping together. But, I just didn't get close to them. You have no idea what I went through when his first marriage ended. You have no right to judge me.

I totally get what you are saying and I do not blame you. Buddy, like you, maintains his distance until he is sure that our child is not going to get hurt. I have to be more open because my kids expect that from me. They can tell if I hold back so I need to be careful that I inadvertantly do not make things difficult.

I have to tell you that I was not happy when Donny's old GF insisted on having the children visit so early in the relationship. I never told him at the time becasue I did nto want to stir trouble but I felt her judgement when it came to the kids was not goo, those babies had been through a lot of loss. I would have been much happier to keep distanced from them and he until their relationship was secure.

 

[Colleen27]

I am so Greatful to my Dh and his Family as soon as they we told them were serious even before we were married they treated my DS ( who was 14mnths when we met) like part of the family. The brad paisley song "He didn't have to be" always makes me think of DH. My son is 8 now and he calls my dh dad we have 2 daughters together and they are his sisters not half sisters.

I could have written every word of this. My son was 14mo when I met DH, and though I wasn't looking for a relationship things just sort of went in that direction. DH & I have two girls together, but DS is every bit his son. We had been dating 8 months when we introduced DS to DH's family (at the same Christmas dinner we announced our engagement, but that was no surprise since DH got the ring from FIL's best friend) and they've been wonderful with him since day one.

I was lucky in that DH's family had been there as well - the man DH calls dad is his stepfather, though after 35 years of FIL being the parent and DH's biological father nowhere to be found no one makes that distinction. FIL's extended family wasn't always great with accepting DH & SIL, particularly when MIL & FIL were dating and first married, and because of that MIL & FIL have gone out of their way from the start to make sure DS feels like just one of the grandkids, no "step" involved.

Personally, I don't think I'd worry much about getting attached. People come and go in life - whether a loved one's significant other, or a neighbor, or a friend - and I'd rather enjoy the happy times in the present without worrying about if or how long those people will be part of our lives. Sure, it is sad if they move on and don't stay in touch, but I don't think the potential for sadness is worth avoiding the certain happiness of the right now.

 

[Jill in Chicago]

My brother is married to a lovely woman who has two girls, now 17 and 13. I fell in love instantly. Since the girls were older when they were dating I felt there was nothing wrong with them knowing immediately that they were adored by me. I felt it was good for their self esteem to know that another adult cared for them deeply.

When they got married my SIL's sister came and said, "Thank you so much for being so kind to Cindy's girls."

I said, "Well of course! I love them!"

She said, "Not everyone would," and then she began to cry.

Those girls are family, and they were family immediately.

 

[MrsJackSparrow4Life]

Personally, I don't think I'd worry much about getting attached. People come and go in life - whether a loved one's significant other, or a neighbor, or a friend - and I'd rather enjoy the happy times in the present without worrying about if or how long those people will be part of our lives. Sure, it is sad if they move on and don't stay in touch, but I don't think the potential for sadness is worth avoiding the certain happiness of the right now.

Exactly!

There is always going to be people who are meant to be in our life for only a short period (isn't there a poem about it?) but during that short period they bring us great joy.

If I were to refuse to get close to someone because they "may" not be a permanent fixture in my life and I "may" get hurt, I would never make relationships in the first place. There is no guarantee and it is better to enjoy what little time you got with someone than act like the relationship is doomed from the get go.

 

[cm8]

That was my initial thought as well. I can imagine a cold MIL would put a strain on even the best relationship. Especially if the GF/Wife has children that she feels are being treated badly.

As for the OP's question...in my family we don't bother with trying not to get attached. If we like the person and their child(ren) we welcome them with open arms. In fact we have a tendency to keep them when there is a breakup.

I spend more time with my ex-BIL than I do with my sister and I'm still really good friends with my cousin's ex-wife and her children. In fact my daughter was the flower girl in her wedding to her new husband and my mother did the wedding cake.

My brother has a new girlfriend and I've already told him I'm keeping her if they break up

, Now that is funny! I would do the same. It is very hard to love a child and then have to let go. I have been there done that Twice now. Once with my God daughter and then again with her daughter. I would still do it again. Lives are touched if but for one moment.

The love you show that child could very well be the thing that is making the child hold on in life. It is hard to let go, but it is not in vain. Children do not choose who they are stuck with, but we as adults can choose to open our hearts and love them. I would rather die knowing that I had opened up and loved a child, then have a child ever face rejection by someone that is suppose to love them.

 

[jll45]

I want to thank you for letting that child into your heart, I think it's wonderful. My story might help you to understand why. I'll try to make it brief and try not to confuse you.

I was 20 when I had my first dd15. I met a man when she was a year old and his parents welcomed her into their family. They would give her birthday presents, christmas presents and always treated her and I with the utmost respect.

This man and I never married (and aren't together anymore) but we ended up having DD12. Never were either of my DD's treated any differently, their bio-granddaughter and my daughter were the same in their eyes. They still come to see her and still to this day give DD15 gifts. They are the most wonderful people ever.

Fast forward to now, I am married to a wonderful man and we have DS7. He treats my daughters as if they are his own. His mother is another story. The sun rises and sets on my son for her. But my daughters she could do without. It is very sad and my daughters notice. She didn't even recognize their birthdays this year. No Christmas presents either. She makes my daughters feel like they are less than their brother and it has made my relationship with her nonexistent. My DH has spoken to her and she refuses to change. She has had 9 years to get used to the idea of my daughters.

It is more than the gifts, they don't need the gifts, I would be happy if she showed my girls an ounce of respect.

So for whatever time that child is in your life, make sure they feel loved and special, it's all a child ever wants.

 

[Liberty Belle]

I want to thank you for letting that child into your heart, I think it's wonderful. My story might help you to understand why. I'll try to make it brief and try not to confuse you.

I was 20 when I had my first dd15. I met a man when she was a year old and his parents welcomed her into their family. They would give her birthday presents, christmas presents and always treated her and I with the utmost respect.

This man and I never married (and aren't together anymore) but we ended up having DD12. Never were either of my DD's treated any differently, their bio-granddaughter and my daughter were the same in their eyes. They still come to see her and still to this day give DD15 gifts. They are the most wonderful people ever.

Fast forward to now, I am married to a wonderful man and we have DS7. He treats my daughters as if they are his own. His mother is another story. The sun rises and sets on my son for her. But my daughters she could do without. It is very sad and my daughters notice. She didn't even recognize their birthdays this year. No Christmas presents either. She makes my daughters feel like they are less than their brother and it has made my relationship with her nonexistent. My DH has spoken to her and she refuses to change. She has had 9 years to get used to the idea of my daughters.

It is more than the gifts, they don't need the gifts, I would be happy if she showed my girls an ounce of respect.

So for whatever time that child is in your life, make sure they feel loved and special, it's all a child ever wants.

That is so sad. Thank goodness they have their "real grandparents." My mom and dad are grandparents by love, not blood to my friend's daughter. Her mom kicked her out when she became pregnant at 18 and my parents took her in. Her daughter, my niece, has always been their granddaughter. She came along before my sons and they didn't treat her any differently than they treated them. She's 23 now and still is their granddaughter.

 

[Nancyg56]

Fast forward to now, I am married to a wonderful man and we have DS7. He treats my daughters as if they are his own. His mother is another story. The sun rises and sets on my son for her. But my daughters she could do without. It is very sad and my daughters notice. She didn't even recognize their birthdays this year. No Christmas presents either. She makes my daughters feel like they are less than their brother and it has made my relationship with her nonexistent. My DH has spoken to her and she refuses to change. She has had 9 years to get used to the idea of my daughters.

It is more than the gifts, they don't need the gifts, I would be happy if she showed my girls an ounce of respect.

So for whatever time that child is in your life, make sure they feel loved and special, it's all a child ever wants.

I am so sorry This would be the hill I died on. The GP's do not need to love your kids but they do need to know that you are a family and that your son is not an island. I would not be having any gifts enter the house, not for birthdays or for Christmas. Your DH can tell her that you both understand that they do not want to buy gifts for all for all of teh children so she is welcome to visit but must not bring anything that cannto be shared by all of teh kids.

better yet................let me tell her!

 

[babytrees]

, Now that is funny! I would do the same. It is very hard to love a child and then have to let go. I have been there done that Twice now. Once with my God daughter and then again with her daughter. I would still do it again. Lives are touched if but for one moment.

The love you show that child could very well be the thing that is making the child hold on in life. It is hard to let go, but it is not in vain. Children do not choose who they are stuck with, but we as adults can choose to open our hearts and love them. I would rather die knowing that I had opened up and loved a child, then have a child ever face rejection by someone that is suppose to love them.

I have a young man in my life that I treat exactly the way you describe in your second paragraph. He is my "son" and I am there for him whenever he needs me....he tried to get away from me but he came back I am not saying I stalked him...just e-mailed him on his birthday and said I will always love you there is nothing you could do that would change that and I am here when you want to talk. This young man dated my daughter and came from a background of conditional love so unconditional love scares him. He is always saying not to get him anything because he can't reciprocate. I tell him I don't care but him talking to me is the best gift of all.

Children need all of the grown ups they can have love them without condition. We can never have too many people love us.

 

[jll45]

That is so sad. Thank goodness they have their "real grandparents." My mom and dad are grandparents by love, not blood to my friend's daughter. Her mom kicked her out when she became pregnant at 18 and my parents took her in. Her daughter, my niece, has always been their granddaughter. She came along before my sons and they didn't treat her any differently than they treated them. She's 23 now and still is their granddaughter.

I am so sorry This would be the hill I died on. The GP's do not need to love your kids but they do need to know that you are a family and that your son is not an island. I would not be having any gifts enter the house, not for birthdays or for Christmas. Your DH can tell her that you both understand that they do not want to buy gifts for all for all of teh children so she is welcome to visit but must not bring anything that cannto be shared by all of teh kids.


better yet................let me tell her!

Thanks for your nice comments. OP, by all means I did not intend to momentarily hijack your thread. With the Christmas holiday approaching this situation of mine has started to hit a nerve, so sorry for the vent. She was out shopping today and loaded up on the gifts for my DS today. As told to me by my DH, she and I do not speak. Of course that money should have been used for her mortgage but that is for a whole other thread.

 

[Agri]

Ask your son how he would feel about what you have in mind. Its not just hard for *you* if they split, but it will be hard for the little girl, too, because she'll miss the grandmother who spoiled her.

Personally, having been someone who dated someone with a child, I would not assimilate the child into a family situation nor treat them as anything more than you would if you were just babysitting for the child until there is a ring on someone's finger. Not only is it hard for you, its hard for the child involved.