When your adult child dates somebody with a child...

[MushyMushy]

How do you not get attached? I am so smitten with my son's girlfriend's tot, but you know what'll happen if it doesn't work out between them.

Have any of you been through this?

 

[Wishing on a star]

OMG!!!!
How sweet!!!!!!

I think it is okay to be

I think you know that you need to try to 'keep in in check' though...
No matter how difficult.

 

[MushyMushy]

I know! My husband told me not to get too attached when I started planning all the princess things I wanted to get her for our upcoming WDW trip, and what I wanted to get her for Christmas.

What's odd about it is, I'm not even a baby person. I normally prefer teens.

ETA: She's not going with us to WDW, it's just what I wanted to bring home for her.

 

[kwitcherkicken99]

It's hard not to get attached, and you wanting to bring something back from vacation is a super sweet gesture! You are being warm and welcoming which comes few and far between for some younger moms. A friend of mine was scared to death to bring people around her DD because what happened with her ex. We ended up being one of the few couples she opened up to and allowed E to be around. We made her feel comfortable and at ease. She and our other friend got married last summer and they credit us with helping her be more comfortable and that there are still some people in this world that won't judge them and love them anyway.

 

[worm761]

As someone who was a single mom for a very long time, thank you! I love that you love her child even though she is technically not "your" family. It really, really does make a difference. My ex's parents loved my son. That meant a lot to me. My boyfriends mother feels that my son is not her "grandchild" since he is biologically not boyfriends child. This hurts a great deal. Especially since Boyfriend and I have another child together. DS is 14 and DD just turned one. Boyfriend generally just calls DS his in a round about way. She treats my children differently and it bothers BOTH of us. It is one of the reasons that we choose not to spend a whole lot of our vacation time with them.

My suggestion, treat her like you want to and hope for the best. Talk to your son about this. He would be the one to tell you to get attached she will be here for a while, or not.

 

[luvsJack]

Before he married, ds dated a girl with a 1 year old little girl. We fell in love INSTANTLY! She is such a sweet little thing. We kept her for them when they went out and ended up with a big pile of toys here for her.

Luckily when they broke up we kept in contact with the baby's mother. So we got to see her off and on for awhile. Not so much anymore.

There is really no way to keep from getting attached. Besides, you want an attachment if things DO work out. Hard to find a happy medium on this one.

 

[MIGrandma]

I no longer let myself get close to our DS's wives or girlfriends, or the woman's children.

When he and his first wife divorced I was devastated. I never wanted to go through that kind of hurt again. He then had a live-in girlfriend for 3 years. I did not have a good feeling about her, but gave her the benefit of the doubt and told myself if she made our DS happy then that's what mattered. But I didn't allow myself to get close to her. She had a young son and while we enjoyed him we didn't allow ourselves to get close to him. After that relationship ended, he got with another girl and ended up marrying this one. I wanted to form a closer relationship with her and her two children, as we really liked her a lot. But I just had this nagging feeling that it might not work out, and 3 years later they split up and divorced.

He had another girlfriend for a couple of months, but we never met her children. I don't get excited about his girlfriends anymore, because they don't last. It's just a long string of broken relationships and I refuse to let my heart be broken again like it was the first time.

Probably not what you want to hear, sorry.

 

[Kathi OD]

You just do what your heart tells you. Sometimes it doesn't work out. Sometimes it does.

My sister dated, and then married a man with a young child. When they started dating the little girl was only 2 years old. All of us, my parents, other siblings, and our children quickly decided that this child was one of us. Fast forward 21 years...my sister is divorced from her father, but she is still very much a part of our family. She just graduated from college in May and my parents (at ages 81 and 76) went to her graduation. She has spent each summer with my parents and her "cousins" at the beach. We love her as if she were our blood. Any of us would do anything for her. My parents have provided for her in their will in the same manner as they have for their other grandchildren.

 

[Myothername]

I hope I never have to go through this with DS but if I do I will treat any children the same as a biological child. DH has a cousin who married a wonderful girl with 2 great kids. They then had a child of their own but DH's family treats the other 2 children like they have the plague or leprosy. They never talk about them unless we ask direct questions about them. Now the "stepfather" treats them just like they were his but his mother and the aunts all act like they don't exist. DH and I go out of our way when we see them to treat the older two to even more attention than normal.

 

[xanphylus]

Hello I am one of the adult children who married someone with a child. I didn't have any kids of my own and at that point didn't know if I ever would. My mom fell in love with my now DD9 when she walked in her front door at the age of 4.

DD was not in the best of situations at that point and didn't have too much clothing and toys-me and my mother remedied this pretty quick. DD's mother had walked out on the family before DD turned 2 which forced my now DH to move in with his mother, as his ex took everything and even tried to take his last paycheck and had the electricity in their home shut off..... yeah, nice mommy huh?

Fast forward about 6 years now (actually it might be this week 6 years ago that I met my DD ) and she IS my DD and she IS my mom's grand-daughter. We now have a 2 year old DS as well, and both are treated the same and most people don't even know she isn't my biological child until one of us mentions how she has to go to her mom's for the summer or over Christmas- then they look at me all weird and say, "aren't you her mother?"

In other words- treat her like a kid who may potentially be your grandchild. And if you wonder- ask your kiddo! I am sure he will have some insights for you. Even if he doesn't have serious plans now, it doesn't hurt to treat her like a little princess anyway.

 

[MushyMushy]

Probably not what you want to hear, sorry.

No, I'm sorry you had to go through that with loved ones. You seem like such a sweet woman, and I'm sure it had to hurt a lot.

Anyway, my son is the type of person who will NEVER share his emotions with me or anybody. He came to me a couple of months ago and wanted to tell me something "important," and basically said he liked this girl "a lot," and that he was afraid to tell me she had a child. I just looked at him like he was an idiot and asked if he remembered that I was a single mom with him! As if I'd judge anybody else for that! I've talked to the girlfriend a few times and I can tell he really likes her, but at their age (he's 19 and she's 21), you know it could last forever or another week.

Thanks for sharing your experiences with me!

 

[Liberty Belle]

My oldest is only 17, so I've not been through that yet, but I absolutely know without a doubt that I will be the same way. I'm a para educator (though unemployed this semester) and I fall in love with most of my students, especially the ones I interact regularly with and in small groups.

 

[Liberty Belle]

As someone who was a single mom for a very long time, thank you! I love that you love her child even though she is technically not "your" family. It really, really does make a difference. My ex's parents loved my son. That meant a lot to me. My boyfriends mother feels that my son is not her "grandchild" since he is biologically not boyfriends child. This hurts a great deal. Especially since Boyfriend and I have another child together. DS is 14 and DD just turned one. Boyfriend generally just calls DS his in a round about way. She treats my children differently and it bothers BOTH of us. It is one of the reasons that we choose not to spend a whole lot of our vacation time with them.

My suggestion, treat her like you want to and hope for the best. Talk to your son about this. He would be the one to tell you to get attached she will be here for a while, or not.

That makes me so damn mad. I'm so sorry for your son. I can't fathom how someone could be that way. I would immediately love any child who came into my family.

 

[punkin]

My MIL is rather devastated this year because DBIL divorced his wife and as nasty as that divorce is, none of us can see or speak to her son. MIL really got attached to him (and he to her) and now she is expected to just "turn off her heart" (her words). The whole situation is very hard.

To answer the OP, you really can't help falling in love with the little ones. That's the way humans are made. I wish you and your son the best.

 

[LuvOrlando]

My kids are way too young for me to be in your position but my general way of doing things is to throw my arms open wide and spoil any kid who crosses my path with praise, attention and whatever they need. So what if I get hurt, hearts heal and life goes on... kids are fun

The only thing I would caution you on is to approach the mom ahead of time and ask her if she'd be ok with a little spoiling from you. Some women can be very territorial and the asking would be a way to let her know she's the boss, but once you are in the clear with that you are home free

 

[Pakey]

My son has dated a few women with children (he's 30). He was even engaged and lived with a woman for 2 years who had a daughter.

I do not allow myself to get attached. Even when my son was months from getting married, I still keep my reserve. Perhaps because it's not the first woman he's had a relationship with that had children, I don't know.

I was married before, a long long time ago, and had 2 step daughters. When the 7 year marriage was over, so was my relationship with those girls. They are 41 and 45 now and I still think about them and wonder how they are.

 

[Nancyg56]

As someone who was a single mom for a very long time, thank you! I love that you love her child even though she is technically not "your" family. It really, really does make a difference. My ex's parents loved my son. That meant a lot to me. My boyfriends mother feels that my son is not her "grandchild" since he is biologically not boyfriends child. This hurts a great deal. Especially since Boyfriend and I have another child together. DS is 14 and DD just turned one. Boyfriend generally just calls DS his in a round about way. She treats my children differently and it bothers BOTH of us. It is one of the reasons that we choose not to spend a whole lot of our vacation time with them.

.

I am furious! I was a widow with three young children when I met my DH. He has raised them like his own but there were people in his family who chose not to treat them as if they were "blood". Their choice but it hurt DH terribly. They are adults now and they remember that his Mom was not their Grandmother. It is a shame really,they are amazing grandchildren! I hope that they come arond for their own sake, your children will all remember the treatment. In the meantime, I believe that you are doing the right thing in your family, I would not spend much time either.

My son has dated a few women with children (he's 30). He was even engaged and lived with a woman for 2 years who had a daughter.

I do not allow myself to get attached. Even when my son was months from getting married, I still keep my reserve. Perhaps because it's not the first woman he's had a relationship with that had children, I don't know.

I was married before, a long long time ago, and had 2 step daughters. When the 7 year marriage was over, so was my relationship with those girls. They are 41 and 45 now and I still think about them and wonder how they are.

How sad for all of you.

Mushy-- my oldest son dated a woman who had three kids. She introduced them to our family right away. I mean the works! DH tried to stay distant but they were so darn cute we were all sucked into them! I was opposed to having them brought into family things right away, not for us-that was fine. I worried about the girls, if the relationship did not work out they would suffer another losss. DS went along with their mother but was nervous as well. You see, he knew that I never let anyoone but Buddy meet them when they were kids, they did not need to be on a rollercoaster ride that they did not choose.

Anyway, they broke up and I still worry about those little girls. So to answer your question, you get attached and treat them as though they were your son's kids and hoep for the best. THe childen never have a choice and they are nto always treated in a welcoming manner in these circumstances.

 

[PUZZLDY5]

Recently got this situation thrown my way and I honest to god can't help myself. This little boy is the sweetest thing ever. He just gigles and laughs and squeals all the time. I have went WAY overboard for Christmas for him and I don't feel bad about it one bit. I don't know what I'm going to do if it doesn't work out between her and my DS but until then I am spoiling that kid rotton.

 

[cabanafrau]

Recently got this situation thrown my way and I honest to god can't help myself. This little boy is the sweetest thing ever. He just gigles and laughs and squeals all the time. I have went WAY overboard for Christmas for him and I don't feel bad about it one bit. I don't know what I'm going to do if it doesn't work out between her and my DS but until then I am spoiling that kid rotton.

Good for you. Enjoy every minute & if it doesn't work out, worry about that then. I don't see how it can be wrong to love a kid. If it ends, do you think you will honestly rather miss all of the wonderful memories?

BTW, my kids aren't old enough to put me in this situation yet.

 

[Myothername]

If my son is ever in this situation and it looks serious I will have a sitdown or at least a good telephone call to all my family and tell them what is going on. And I will strongly emphasize that if they get married those are my grandchildren. I am not their step grandmother and he is not their stepfather. They are not step uncles and step aunts. I really don't think my family will even need to be told but I will let it be known so there is no misunderstanding. In looking at the crowd my son hangs out with there are some single mothers in the group. I would not be surprised if he did end up as a father of another man's child and I would welcome that child with open arms and hearts.