When to have a memorial and asking for donations instead of flowers

[Melora]

Hi all

Today I have to go and take a picture of my mom to the mortuary so they can make up the little papers that I can send out to her remaining friends and relatives. I have put this off for several days but know I must do it soon so people will have time to plan to come for a visit.

We are planning on having a get together here at our home 2 weeks from tomorrow. Is that too far away?? We of course were not prepared to have anything this weekend and next weekend the kids dad is in town for the first time in a year and a half and he is only staying for 4 days. I didnt want to cut into the time he had with them. Or should I care? If I did make it for next weekend and I sent out the cards and they didnt make it there until mid next week, is a couple of days enough time for people to make plans to come? Is it rude or out of line to wait so long to have a memorial?

Next question, I think I would rather people gave donations to the Parkinsons Disease Foundation to help research on this horrific disease. I think it is so much more worth while for people to spend their dollars doing that, then on flowers that will die in few days. But my question is, do poeple DO that, or will they just not do anything? Is it easy to donate in the name of someone? I wouldnt want to make a request and then find it was hard for people to follow through. On the other hand, I do not want to have a memorial and then not have anyone send flowers.

As you can see I have never done anything like this before. It is hard. Emotionally.

 

[GIGGLES266]

Memorial services can be held at any point in time so two weeks from now is certainly appropriate.
People really do send money to organizations that you request instead of flowers. Be prepared, some people just feel more comfortable sending flowers so you will still receive them.
Bless you and your family during your time of grief.

 

[tkd lisa]

I second what giggles said about both questions. Memorial services are not exactly the same as funerals. People can hold memorial services whenever the timing works. Many times, if a veteran is to be buried at Arlington, it can be several months after the death before the memorial due to scheduling issues, so I can't see anything wrong with that.

As for the wording of the donations, here's what I'd do.

Announcement, date time, place, etc.
A few words about the deceased, maybe a poem or verse that applies,
then: The family requests that donations to xxxx be made in xxx's name in lieu of flowers.

By putting this as a request, rather than "donations may be made in xxx's name to xxx" you're making it clear that donations is what you want. You probably still will get a few flowers though. Some people don't want to donate.

 

[Rajah]

We sent a request for in lieu flowers they send a donation to one of two Foundations (Asthma and Diabetes research). We've gotten word that a few people did follow through with that, but haven't heard from most people. Family did still send flowers anyway, so we had no shortage of flowers, and a few friends sent some as well.

For the Memorial -- I agree, whenever it's right for you.

 

[powellrj]

I am a person who has stopped making donations instead of sending flowers because I got tired of being put on the mailing list of who we made the donation to. The last several times I have sent a donation to "xyz"equal to what I would spend on flowers. Never heard anything from the family in way of thanks, but I heard a lot from "xyz" Thank-you for your donation, now can't you do more?????? PLease, from now on I send flowers.


I am so sorry about your loss, and about the memorial service, do what is best for your family....

 

[goofy4tink]

We also asked for donations in lieu of flowers. My mom was very active in church, so I knew of an area that would benefit from donations in her memory. But, some people still wanted to do flowers. In fact, one person was heard to say..."I think donations are tacky. Flowers show that we cared." Well, those flowers are gone but the beautiful altar coverings in Mom's memory are going to be there for many years. So, if you get a chance to make a donation...please do it. THe family will be very grateful. I never did before but since my mother's passing, I've sent donations for every death. I never realized how big a deal it can be for the family.

 

[suzannen]

I agree with others that you can hold a memorial service whenever you like. I went to one that was held 6 months after the death due to several family members living overseas.

And, tkd lisa's words are usually the most common I've seen asking for donations. After losing 3 very close women friends in one year to breast cancer, following their own wishes, I also now prefer donations to an organization that will either further medical research in that area or support other patients of the illness (like Gilda's Club) to flowers. You hope that somehow it will make a difference in the lives of others.

 

[honeywolf7]

My mom's best friend lives in Texas and her mother lived in Oregon. However, my mom's best friend wanted a service to be held here in Richmond for all of her old friends. Her mother died in October and because she had kids in college and in the workforce, it took her until January to have a memorial service that everyone could come to. I definitely didn't find that tacky or out of line.