When in laws cause problems

[robinb]

I'm glad to hear that your BIL did not move in! Kudos to your DH. I can totally understand wanting to facilitate him getting into a new apartment/home. I know it goes without saying, but I would not cosign the lease. He might also want to warn his co-worker that he may want to visit the house every couple of months to make sure the property is being kept up properly since it appears that cleaning is not your BIL's strong suit.

 

[Wishing on a star]

DH knows a guy that has been fixing up houses in the area and renting them out. He has a 2 bedroom, completely updated $800 a month available 11/15. We met his coworker and his brother there yesterday to introduce them...[

I am SO glad to hear that your BIIL is not in your home, and both you and your DH are!

If BIL is no longer in your parents house, or YOUR house, then that is what matters.
And, if MIL and her room-mate truly would have difficulty with some cleaning, and BIL is NOT there, then that is good to to help out!

However, it is the 'WE', note the 'WE' in all-caps, that never should have happened.
If your husband wants to help his brother find a place, that is great.. But I would have never even considered any personal introductions.
Your husband and yourself will have to face the consequences if any lease is signed, and then it does not work out, because BIL simply does not pay.
Your husband and yourself are going to have to face this landlord and room-mate.

 

[jdb in AZ]

I'm sorry I didn't update sooner, it was a busy/bad week. The 220 line going to our house blew, dryer is toast but luckily nothing else was fried.

DH knows a guy that has been fixing up houses in the area and renting them out. He has a 2 bedroom, completely updated $800 a month available 11/15. We met his coworker and his brother there yesterday to introduce them...BIL is complaining the windows aren't updated, not a good internet provider in the area...also concerned about the 1 year lease because he plans to buy a house in 6 months


Hopefully he doesn't piss this roommate of his off because I think that truly is his last bridge to burn.

A. Why does he care about the windows?

B. How does he expect to buy a house in 6 mos unless he has a sizeable down payment AND excellent credit history?

 

[gwynne]

A. Why does he care about the windows?

B. How does he expect to buy a house in 6 mos unless he has a sizeable down payment AND excellent credit history?

Possibly he has issues including some deluded grandiose thinking.

 

[Chocolate Cake]

DH feels its his job to help his brother, no amount of my reasoning will convince him otherwise.

Well, since you went with BIL to show house, it sends the message to your DH that you are in this with him.

There has to be something very "off" about your husband to involve co-workers into this mess. You (his wife) just went to physically clean his brother's filth (that is how piggish he is), yet he now wants to introduce him to his co-worker for a rental situation? And you went with him? How did you even stand there while BIL complained about windows, when you just got done scrubbing his mess?

I know I sound harsh, but this is a difficult situation for me to wrap my brain around. I am sure you and your husband are very nice people, but it seems like you both like to play the victim/martyr.

 

[Chocolate Cake]

However, it is the 'WE', note the 'WE' in all-caps, that never should have happened.
If your husband wants to help his brother find a place, that is great.. But I would have never even considered any personal introductions.

I agree. And I just don't know how a husband can watch his wife clean his brother's mess, yet continue to support that brother. As a wife, I would want to be worth more to my husband.

 

[HM]

Glad he's not living at your house.
I don't see anything good coming from him renting from your Dhs' coworker. He's going to lose a friend (if they are). And I have to reiterate...DO NOT LET YOUR HUSBAND COSIGN the lease.
You were awfully nice to try to clean up for the roommate and MIL, but why wasn't your husband the one called to do it? He's capable of cleaning and the one related to the slob.

 

[Wishing on a star]

No direct offense is intended here.. But, I am going to go out on a limb here, and make the assumption (I would almost make a large wager) that, no, her DH is not able, competent, or willing to 'clean'. This is how these two men were raised. To be enabled, co-dependent, victims of the mother.

As to why the OP is cleaning and organizing and arranging introductions for a room-mate and a land-lord.
I am sure that there are many. But, none of them would be valid.

OP, learn to disengage from this mess.

The weight of taking full responsibility for two grown males, and their mother, and their mothers room-mate, and now a co-worker and a friend/landlord.


You need to be asking yourself why you are doing this.
Seriously.

 

[Grmnshplvr]

I guess I left some details out, to clear it up,..MILs roommate called DH first, he didn't answer because he didn't recognize the number..the same number immediately called me so I was the "lucky" one to answer lol I did not clean MILs house to clean up after the brother. I cleaned her house because both woman are disabled, and regardless of who made the mess, it needed to be cleaned. DH did the kitchen/living room. I did the bathroom/pantry - we worked together.

DH and I are not signing any lease. I went with DH to meet the coworker because this apartment was 10 minutes from MILs house, both are an hour away from our house. We aren't right around the corner so it just made sense and I definitely was not cleaning her house myself so we went together.

I dont know why BIL is concerned about the windows, I'm guessing to use it as an excuse to not actually have to get an apartment that will cost him money, if the windows are no good, and internet service is bad, an the lease agreement wont work then he has an excuse to continue living in someone else's house for near free. I dont know that this is the reason but knowing him..I would guess it is close to it.

 

[robinb]

As to why the OP is cleaning and organizing and arranging introductions for a room-mate and a land-lord.
I am sure that there are many. But, none of them would be valid.

I disagree. There are things that the OP won't do like give/lend money and allow the BIL to move into her home. Her DH respects that. And there are things the OP can do, for her DH's peace of mind. Helping her BIL and her MIL are important to her DH and that's a valid enough reason in a marriage.

 

[Grmnshplvr]

No direct offense is intended here.. But, I am going to go out on a limb here, and make the assumption (I would almost make a large wager) that, no, her DH is not able, competent, or willing to 'clean'. This is how these two men were raised. To be enabled, co-dependent, victims of the mother.

As to why the OP is cleaning and organizing and arranging introductions for a room-mate and a land-lord.
I am sure that there are many. But, none of them would be valid.

OP, learn to disengage from this mess.

The weight of taking full responsibility for two grown males, and their mother, and their mothers room-mate, and now a co-worker and a friend/landlord.


You need to be asking yourself why you are doing this.
Seriously.

Possibly he has issues including some deluded grandiose thinking.

He also plans on going to disney world at some point this year...so yes delusion is a big part of his thinking.

 

[Wishing on a star]

I am glad that your DH did do some of the cleaning!
You def. proved me wrong!

Too bad you made these introductions to try to find your BIL a roof over his head...
Let's hope that they don't move into this place.
I would not want to be the one responsible/blamed for getting this BIL involved with ANYONE.

OP, I understand.. I really do.
But, in the end, you might want to take another look at how and why you have been involved to the extent that you have.

 

[Grmnshplvr]

I dont think they'll be taking it. I wish my husband never told him about it but i dont see his brother coming up with that kind of cash in 2 weeks anyways so hopefully he'll just stay where he is, or find something else that has no connection to us whatsoever.

 

[Wishing on a star]

Good! We are all def. in your corner. Hoping that this situation passes over, and doesn't come up again!

 

[Grmnshplvr]

Good! We are all def. in your corner. Hoping that this situation passes over, and doesn't come up again!

Me too, but I'm not going to hold my breath on this being a done deal.

 

[PlutoPony]

Me too, but I'm not going to hold my breath on this being a done deal.

Smart move. Anything you can do to head problems off earlier rather than later is a good thing for your family.

Do you feel like you and your husband are more on the same page now in so far as how BIL can impact your family?

 

[Grmnshplvr]

Smart move. Anything you can do to head problems off earlier rather than later is a good thing for your family.

Do you feel like you and your husband are more on the same page now in so far as how BIL can impact your family?

I think my husband is agreeing with me only to keep the peace, I do think if I were ok with it BIL would already be living with us.

My husband is losing his patience with him and told him last week he needed to grow up....definitely the first time I've heard him say something like that to BIL so I think maybe we're making progress.

 

[Grmnshplvr]

Well, since you went with BIL to show house, it sends the message to your DH that you are in this with him.

There has to be something very "off" about your husband to involve co-workers into this mess. You (his wife) just went to physically clean his brother's filth (that is how piggish he is), yet he now wants to introduce him to his co-worker for a rental situation? And you went with him? How did you even stand there while BIL complained about windows, when you just got done scrubbing his mess?

I know I sound harsh, but this is a difficult situation for me to wrap my brain around. I am sure you and your husband are very nice people, but it seems like you both like to play the victim/martyr.

I understand you only know what I put on the posts but I can assure you I "like" nothing about this situation. Before BIL moved back to town my life was peaceful with no drama. I'd like to get back to that.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

I think my husband is agreeing with me only to keep the peace, I do think if I were ok with it BIL would already be living with us.

My husband is losing his patience with him and told him last week he needed to grow up....definitely the first time I've heard him say something like that to BIL so I think maybe we're making progress.

It takes time.

Now that mom had put the burden on your dh, he is going to lose patience a lot and possibly will "up the ante" so to speak on YOU allowing BIL to move in trying to get you to cave. Just basic psychology.

Next order of business now or later will be "serious desperation" on the BIL's part coupled with MIL's pleas to allow him to move in with you.

A nice throw back on MIL is to say he needs to move in with you....lol. I would love to deliver that line.

Bottom line, you are dealing with someone who is manipulative and it takes some savvy and canned lines to navigate it. If you get good at it it becomes comical.

Reading up on manipulative people is probably something worthwhile for you to do. It is pretty textbook.

The thing about people who are manipulative is that they are easy to manipulate back. They are so "stuck" in their pattern that when you lob a ball of remanipulation they are a bit shocked and thrown off balance.

Good Luck, hang in there. Just expect it to escalate because that is textbook on what will happen next.

 

[jdb in AZ]

It takes time.

Reading up on manipulative people is probably something worthwhile for you to do. It is pretty textbook.

The thing about people who are manipulative is that they are easy to manipulate back. They are so "stuck" in their pattern that when you lob a ball of remanipulation they are a bit shocked and thrown off balance.

Good Luck, hang in there. Just expect it to escalate because that is textbook on what will happen next.

Do you have a good book you would recommend?