When in laws cause problems

[EMom]

I thought this was done and over with, but it NEVER is with this family. I just got a call at work from my husband. Apparently MIL sent BIL some nasty texts last night after a few too many drinks, she was complaining about how he has taken advantage of her, ruined her credit, cost her hundreds of dollars and how she will never get out of this hole he dug her in. She said he is very selfish and needs to go away ASAP, then added, I cancelled my insurance policy so when I'm gone you can sell all my stuff and get some money for it. It was a very long rant but this was the summary. She wants him gone today.

I do not blame her, he's been there for months and has not offered 1 dime. She has asked him several times and he absolutely refuses.

Of course now DH is asking for BIL to move in tonight. I couldn't continue the conversation because I had a customer calling. I figured I'd post her before I call him back.

I dont want to be the person that puts his brother on the street, but I know 100% if his brother moves in it will be the end of my marriage.

Please someone have some words of wisdom, something. I'm shaking.

Really, this is all you have to say. If you allow your brother to move in, it is the end of our marriage. If he doesn't believe you, your marriage is over anyway. If your husband's mind is too warped to see reality, then YOU have to be the realistic one. Say it and mean it. "It's your wife and children OR your brother. Pick a side now and stick with it."

I'd add one thing. Tell him to NEVER call you at work again about his worthless brother. EVER.

 

[bellebud]

OP, the only thing I'll add to all the advice you've been given, is that if dh is set on 'helping' his brother and you see this as the end of your marriage, the last ditch thing I'd offer is that dh can get a part time job and give the money to his brother to pay for a place to live, food, etc. No money is to come out of your regular household finances for his brother, but if your dh wants to break his back supporting his brother, go ahead. Of course you and the kids will be leading your normal lives and enjoying yourselves in dh's absence while he's out working, but that's his choice. I would hope it wouldn't come to that, but I don't think it would be long lived anyway (dh working to support his brother). I think it might even help him to see the light.

 

[mummabear]

You dont need to feel guilty, your BIL is a grown *** adult who needs to be given the push he needs to actually grow up.
He isnt down on his luck needing a short helping hand that he will be ghrateful for.
BUT are you willing to split up over it?

 

[Mividadisney]

Only you know your marriage. I wouldn't advise you to give him ultimatum that never solves anything but a fight or even worse. Have good communication about your feelings and your wants. Hear your husband out but also, do what is right for your family. You should both know exactly how each other feel about the situation even if you disagree without it being a fight. Good luck.

 

[VandVsmama]

I was in a similar situation a couple of years ago. My MIL moved to our town about 8 years ago. We provide a lot of financial assistance to my MIL...we put a roof over her head. About 2-3 years ago, MIL's demands on our time were getting to be just insane. Every time my DH & I would go out on a date night, within a week of that, DH would take MIL out on a date night and he would pay for the whole thing. Then she would want time alone with DH for hours at a time. Then she would call at crazy hours of the day demanding that he go over to her place RIGHT NOW to fix something that was 'broken.' Not really broken....usually a computer thing that she couldn't figure out. But he would drop whatever he was doing at home or with us and run to Mommy's aid.

My MIL, like your BIL, is a drama queen. Twists everything to be all about her. Oh, you're going on a vacation? Then she would make passive-aggressive comments like your BIL does about "Gee, must be nice. Nobody ever asks ME to do stuff like that." This wasn't just once in awhile. It would happen every time we saw her or spoke with her on the phone. She even started demanding that we give her money for gas for the times that she would pick one of our kids up from daycare early that day because the little one was sick or something.

Eventually, I'd had enough. My DH at the time didn't have enough of a backbone to reinforce proper boundaries with her. So I gave him an ultimatum. It's me or her. I flat out told him that he could only be married to ONE person...me or his mother. If he insisted on running over to her every single day and taking her on dates every week and giving her gas money, etc., etc., then he could move out of our house and move in with her and I would find a lawyer and file for divorce.

A few things happened after that over the course of 4-5 months:

1. DH's first gut reaction was "NO THANKS! Why would I want to live with my mother? She's IMPOSSIBLE!"
2. DH tried to push the envelope MANY TIMES over 4-5 months. He pressured me A LOT to just cave and do X or say X with my MIL in order to play "Happy Families." And whatever "X" was...it was usually something that involved me sacrificing my own boundaries or principles for the sake of MIL getting her way and MIL getting away with treating us like garbage.
3. DH and I argued A LOT during those 4-5 months. The first two months were pretty miserable. DH would try every emotional trick in the book. "It would be just fine if you would just let my MIL do ___." but we all knew that ___ was never enough. She, like your BIL, is a manipulative, passive-aggressive, self-absorbed woman. She's narcissistic and a taker. BUT after that 2 month mark hit, DH woke up and smelled the coffee. When *HE* became the person who suddenly had to deal with his manipulative family member all on his own, then suddenly he became A LOT LESS INTERESTED in all of us spending all of our free time with her. This was because.....
4. Narcissistic people are emotional vampires and they will suck the life force out of you if you let them.

Now things are much better. DH knows that I mean business. He knows better than to expect me to include MIL on every blessed thing our immediate family does. Happy wife - happy life.

You don't have a BIL problem. You have a DH problem. It is notable that your MIL has kicked her son out of her domicile. Your MIL should have stopped enabling him years ago. Your BIL is a loser. Your DH, however, plays the role of the responsible dutiful son who will swoop in and save the day. Your BIL is treated like the Golden Child...usually, the Golden Child is the loser of the family. The child who can never seem to get it together, yet is also the child who everyone throws money at. Learned helplessness.

Your situation will not improve until you are prepared to kick your DH out and find a divorce lawyer. Your DH is putting his sibling's needs above the needs of his wife and children. That is no marriage.

 

[VandVsmama]

I also wanted to add....

You said earlier "I dont want to be the person that puts his brother on the street, but I know 100% if his brother moves in it will be the end of my marriage."

Here's the deal....
Neither you OR YOUR DH are putting your BIL on the street. HE DID THIS TO HIMSELF! HE did it....not your DH, not you, not your MIL. Your BIL did this to himself by making a series of unwise life choices. People don't just suddenly end up in a situation like his. Your BIL EXCELS at taking advantage of people. At this point, in a way, your BIL is the smart one and your DH is being incredibly stupid by falling for the totally obvious manipulation ploy designed in such a way that you & your immediate family will be supporting BIL 100% of the time.

 

[ScottOKW2K]

I also wanted to add....

You said earlier "I dont want to be the person that puts his brother on the street, but I know 100% if his brother moves in it will be the end of my marriage."

Here's the deal....
Neither you OR YOUR DH are putting your BIL on the street. HE DID THIS TO HIMSELF! HE did it....not your DH, not you, not your MIL. Your BIL did this to himself by making a series of unwise life choices. People don't just suddenly end up in a situation like his. Your BIL EXCELS at taking advantage of people. At this point, in a way, your BIL is the smart one and your DH is being incredibly stupid by falling for the totally obvious manipulation ploy designed in such a way that you & your immediate family will be supporting BIL 100% of the time.

Exactly. You can only be used if you LET yourself be used - it is a choice. That choice might be predicated by events and decisions in the past, or possible consequences in the future but it is still a decision one has to ultimately make. BIL chooses to mooch his way through life, MIL chose to enable this behavior, and the husband chooses to defend it. It's like the AA 12 step program - you gotta hit bottom to have the desire to change for the better. BIL's family has always made sure that never happened - so why SHOULD he change?

 

[RainbowBrite]

He truly just wants to sleep all day and play video games. developmental disability for sure, he is incredibly smart, he could rebuild an entire computer...really the guy could be making a fortune because he is not stupid at all. He is just extremely lazy and has no ambition to change but i would think he'd have to be some what developmentally disabled to be totally ok with being homeless and having no money?

I suspect he's clinically depressed.

 

[Wishing on a star]

I could not care any less....
From some of the OP's earliest comments, I suspect that I know that the root of this mans problems come from some developmental disabilities... and, yes, depression is a manifestion of these kinds of things.

But, at this point, it would be either getting him some real professional help, or nothing at all...

Whatever the root problem is with this guy...
(being this unable to look after one's self and giving up all regular adult human needs, and to 'live with mommy forever' is just NOT normal.)
Whatever this guys problems or diagnosis might be...
That really changes NOTHING for the OP... as it is not her job to 'fix' him.
Like she states that she 'fixed' her husband.

In fact, taking him in or providing anything at all for him would not be doing anything to address his issues. This would only continue to enable him.
It is not possible for one person to 'fix' or take responsibility for another person.

As others have saying... The OP has done absolutely NOTHING could be considered 'putting him on the street'. That viewpoint is disturbing. Unless the OP went and burned down his house, knowing he had no insurance and nowhere else to live, she is NOT, in any way, putting him on the street.

I find it interesting that the OP started with 'It never ends with DH's family'. (Not, 'cant believe DH is doing this again...)
OP, you don't have inlaw problems with your husband's family.
You have some very serious problems in your relationship with your husband.
You have a marriage problem.

PS: VandV'smama, BTDT, to some extent... I know how that feels... Thank you for your post!!

 

[PollyannaMom]

I'm kind of shocked that this came up again. Was there any marriage counseling after the previous incident?

I honestly don't understand how your DH cannot see that BIL will do the exact same thing to you that he did to MIL! - Moochers are moochers.

And maybe he is depressed, but that still doesn't mean he should live with you! (In fact, I'd be even more hesitant to have him around my kids if there was a serious unknown issue.) I'd even be fine with offering to pay for a doctors' visit to asses this. Maybe he needs medication; maybe he really does need to live someplace with help right now - but I think that means trained staff members who can help him learn to function on his own, not his brother with a bunch of leftover childhood baggage (guilt, protectiveness, whatever your DH is feeling) getting in the way.

Tell your DH NO, and that you are sick of coming in second to his brother and want to see a counselor together to work through this.

 

[LilyWDW]

I suspect he's clinically depressed.

You can't help someone who doesn't want help... and you shouldn't ruin your own live and relationships to try to do so.

And this is coming from someone who suffers from depression and had to get their own help.

 

[HM]

OP, still waiting to hear what's happening.
Pixies that everything is all right on the homefront.

 

[rigs32]

Still no update?

 

[NewRVLady]

Still no update?

that is a bad sign

 

[Tigerlulu]

I REALLY hope everything is ok!

 

[rigs32]

Same. It's been a week.

 

[Grmnshplvr]

I'm sorry I didn't update sooner, it was a busy/bad week. The 220 line going to our house blew, dryer is toast but luckily nothing else was fried.

BIL begged and pleaded but DH stuck to his guns and said I'm sorry I just can't have you here. So BIL moved in with a mutual friend, not a good situation there either but its a place to rest his head anyways.

DH knows a guy that has been fixing up houses in the area and renting them out. He has a 2 bedroom, completely updated $800 a month available 11/15. We met his coworker and his brother there yesterday to introduce them...BIL is complaining the windows aren't updated, not a good internet provider in the area...also concerned about the 1 year lease because he plans to buy a house in 6 months


MIL's roommate called me over the weekend and asked if I could go there and clean because no one has since they moved in, she said she felt bad for calling me but was desperate and didn't know what else to do (why does every one call me when the sky is falling?) anyways I went there, house was in bad shape. I did what I could but didn't really put a dent in it. MIL is not doing well....we did have a long talk about BIL. He gave her $76 for the 5 or 6 months he was there. She said if he would have given her even $20 a week she would have never asked him to go...but he refused.

Hopefully he doesn't piss this roommate of his off because I think that truly is his last bridge to burn.

 

[Grmnshplvr]

Do you see anything in the BIL that would point to mental illness? If he has something along those lines, he may not be capable of holding down a job.

Please don't misread this, I am NOT saying you should take him in, just that maybe there is more going on.

I've known this man since I was a young girl. I dont see any indication of mental illness but then again I am not a doctor. I find myself asking "what is wrong with him" almost every time we talk so maybe there is but I really think this is the result of extremely poor parenting.

 

[Chocolate Cake]

DH knows a guy that has been fixing up houses in the area and renting them out. He has a 2 bedroom, completely updated $800 a month available 11/15. We met his coworker and his brother there yesterday to introduce them....

Why? Never in a million years would I get involved with any introductions or rental situations with your BIL. Never.

MIL's roommate called me over the weekend and asked if I could go there and clean because no one has since they moved in.....

My answer would have been a firm "no".

OP-It is time to remove yourself 100% from this situation.

 

[Grmnshplvr]

Why? Never in a million years would I get involved with any introductions or rental situations with your BIL. Never.




My answer would have been a firm "no".

OP-It is time to remove yourself 100% from this situation.

DH feels its his job to help his brother, no amount of my reasoning will convince him otherwise.

I honestly wanted to help her roommate. The woman is disabled, and in a very bad situation. I had no problem going there and helping clean up, just irritated that his brother wasn't doing it while he was there. They looked they just moved in boxes still packed up right where I left them when we moved her in months ago. He could have gotten a lot done in that time!