When in laws cause problems

[ZachnElli]

I'm so sorry OP'r. I'm the one with a SIL like your BIL. The one thing in DH's family, they don't press charges against family, so even if they just robbed you blind or worse (much, much worse), they don't press charges. And yes, that's happened, several times. I do press charges, I don't care who they are, I've told my dh that several times over the years. You might want to keep that in mind, if you come home and things are stolen or damaged, whether it's items or your identity. If your cat is injured or worse, I'd press charges. As for "he's 39 years old he can take care of a cat", uhh, he's 39 years old and has yet to take care of himself! How can he take care of another living being! And yeah, I see what your husband did today as him choosing his brother over his wife and kids. I'd have a hard time keeping that opinion to myself. Good luck!

 

[Colleen27]

OP, I feel for you. My husband and I went through something similar with my BIL, who ultimately ended up living on our couch for the entire time it took my inlaws to tear down their house and build a new one on the same site (well over a year). DH's family is very close and being 10 years older than his brother, DH tends to take an almost quasi-parental role when it comes to BIL. So when BIL announced that he'd rather live in his car than share the small apartment his parents rented during the build, DH felt obligated to step in. He was under a lot of pressure from his mother too, who is otherwise the best MIL one could ask for, because BIL and FIL don't get along well At. All. and she couldn't stand being stuck in the middle with them living in such close quarters. It is by far the closest I've ever come to actually filing for divorce because it was just bad all the way around... We didn't have room for another person in our 1200sq ft, 3 bedroom house so we were constantly butting heads. It flat out sucked having a sloth (and often his girlfriend) living on my couch, staying up all night playing video games with the volume conflicting with anything I tried to watch on TV, and having the nerve to complain about me & the kids waking him up by moving around our own kitchen/living/dining room (open floorplan) in the middle of the day.

The good news, in our case, is that BIL did eventually move out. When the house was finished he moved back in with his parents, and the next time he started making noises about leaving MIL decided to 'help' him buy a home of his own rather than have us stuck in the middle again. Had she not done that, I have no doubt he'd have been right back on our couch the next time FIL gave him crap about being middle aged and chronically unemployed.

The bad news is that once it has been made clear to you, there's really no way to "unlearn" that there is someone that matters more to your spouse than you and your children. My relationship with DH isn't bad but it has never quite been the same as before the BIL period of our lives, and I sometimes worry what will happen when my inlaws pass away (many years from now, hopefully!). I'm not sure BIL will be able to maintain his household without MIL to fall back on when he mismanages his money or loses a job, and I know my marriage won't survive round two of the unwelcome houseguest.

 

[MataHari22]

Wow, I'm sorry for what you're dealing with, OP. It probably would have been the hill to die on for me, I don't think I could have caved in.

Idk if you can cut the cable service while you're gone, but I know with my direct tv, I can go in with the parental controls, and set up a password, and block any channel I want to. And that is exactly what I'd do, I'd block them all, if I couldn't turn the service off for that period of time.

 

[robinb]

Who gives a **** if her husband and BIL are annoyed? They certainly don't care OP is furious.

I don't care how they feel. The OP agreed to allow the BIL to keep peace with her family. If she goes around doing a bunch of petty things it will detract from her sacrifice and she will remain the "witch". Plus, if she goes around doing things just to piss him off will negatively effect her, keep her angry, etc. She needs to move on and enjoy her vacation she can't do that if she's plotting ways to annoy her BIL. Lastly, she doesn't have time to do all that petty crap.

 

[okeydokey]

Something to consider, OP, is the fact that if you are giving a set of house keys, he could make copies and enter after you have returned. All the hiding of documents and valuables will be for nothing if he has continued access to your home.

Ugh, I really dislike both your BIL and husband for doing this to you and your family.

Lots and lots of hugs and positive thoughts coming your way.

Wow, I never thought of this. Yes, you will have to change the locks when you get back from your vacation. That stinks.

I hope you and your husband are having a real talk tonight instead of just texts while you were at work. I don't think he realizes that he has forever changed your marriage when he cursed you out and chose his brother over his wife and kids. I don't think he really gets it, but I sincerely hope that he does now. Best wishes OP, I hope it works out for you.

 

[Lisaloo]

I would have a bigger problem with my husband than my brother in law.

 

[PlutoPony]

I would have a bigger problem with my husband than my brother in law.

Yes, I do too.

But I admit to having a HUGE problem with enabling undesirable behavior. BIL is simply continuing to behave in the way that's gotten results and served his purpose in the past. If it didn't continue to work, he'd try something new. It's that simple. You've seen how he behaves when thwarted, he continues in the same vein but ramps it up. And it worked. What possible motivation does he have to change???? OK maybe someday he'll get tired of living this kind of life, but until he does - or the enabling stops - status quo rules.

Good luck OP

 

[jdb in AZ]

Sorry to hear the latest. I reached my "tipping point" with our family's moocher long before DH, but eventually he got there too. I can't help wondering what it would take before your husband realizes enough is enough.

I'm glad others have suggested putting a password protection on your pay per view and On Demand. Before things with our moocher became totally out-of-control, he offered to house sit for us and ran up a $50. pay per view for a professional boxing match. Of course he's never repaid us, and it's minor compared to what's happened since. He stole some blank checks, credit cards and my identity, and ran up fraudulent charges over $12,000. We were able to restore things, but now DH refuses to let him spend the night, even tho the moocher camped out on our front porch hoping we'd change our minds and let him in. He doesn't have a car to sleep in -- that got repossessed.

DH is more tender-hearted than I am -- it has a lot to do with the way we were raised, but when DH bailed the moocher out of jail -- over my strenuous objections -- the derelict didn't bother to show up for court, so we were out the $300. But now we have a legitimate excuse for not bailing him out the next time. It's almost worth losing the $300.

I really hope you don't end up with a permanent couch potato and his girl friend, and that you won't lose any $$$$$ or your marriage over this. Keep us posted.

 

[arminnie]

Wow I had to go look to see if this was a first time poster with a wild story.

I have a stepson who is 30 and on a parallel path as OP's BIL. I have never cared if he was homeless. His choices - his consequences. We have two homes. Even when we are gone for months and our first home sits empty I have let SS30 be homeless - on multiple occasions.

It's not a matter of does my DH care more for me than his son. I care more for me than to shoot myself in the foot. My DH loves his son very much. But I do not accept any responsibility for SS. He's an adult and is just so NOT MY PROBLEM.

Letting my SS stay in my home under any circumstances would not keep the peace at all. Because I would personally be on the warpath if my DH even asked for him to stay. And if he let him say against my will, there would be no peace until both &*&%$ men were 100% out of my home and life.

This would not just be a hill to die on for me. It would be a hill to kill someone over. (metaphorically speaking)

 

[barkley]

Wow I had to go look to see if this was a first time poster with a wild story.

I have a stepson who is 30 and on a parallel path as OP's BIL. I have never cared if he was homeless. His choices - his consequences. We have two homes. Even when we are gone for months and our first home sits empty I have let SS30 be homeless - on multiple occasions.

It's not a matter of does my DH care more for me than his son. I care more for me than to shoot myself in the foot. My DH loves his son very much. But I do not accept any responsibility for SS. He's an adult and is just so NOT MY PROBLEM.

Letting my SS stay in my home under any circumstances would not keep the peace at all. Because I would personally be on the warpath if my DH even asked for him to stay. And if he let him say against my will, there would be no peace until both &*&%$ men were 100% out of my home and life.

This would not just be a hill to die on for me. It would be a hill to kill someone over. (metaphorically speaking)

in the event you get bashed for this post (hopefully not, but I've seen it happen over less)-let me say that I FULLY UNDERSTAND, SUPPORT AND SYMPATHIZE WITH YOU. unless someone has had direct personal experience with this type of situation (which I would not wish on my worst enemy) they are in no position to judge/negatively comment. I've dealt w/ what I (and law enforcement) perceive to be very valid death threats over my refusal to enable this type of behavior w/a family member. I lost quality time w/my mom b/c of her enabling the person. what my mom would not and could not see was that my position towards my family member was/is (in my mind) far more supportive and helping than the decades of enabling she did-b/c I refused to enable, when my mom died he had no choice but to step up and provide for himself. he kicked and screamed, communicated threats....and I've had no direct contact for going on 5 years BUT I know through sources that despite everything he laid on my parents all my life-he's got housing (on his own cuz no one else would pay for it) and he's eating (his dime-no one else is paying it). it took OVER 60 YEARS-but gee-somehow all his 'bad luck' ended and when he had no choice but to support himself-suddenly there were none of the past issues that immediately popped up at the job that always in the past (when mom.....everyone else enabled) caused him to "have to quit".

it is horrendous but VERY REAL to be intimately involved in this type of situation to the extent that you have live in fear/do estate planning such that you have to protect YOUR OWN CHILDREN from falling victim to the generational enabling. it's hard enough to protect yourself from it, let alone have to get to the point where your kids are becoming adults that you have to caution them about it-but when you've got minor kids (or in my case-a disabled adult child over whom it's necessary for you to have guardianship over) that you have to take expensive and detailed legal steps to ensure the manipulator will not use all the free legal aide available to them gain control of the assets that you would leave behind upon your death to provide--------------------------it is a constant, fear invoking, life altering devastation.

my sympathies to all who deal with this.

 

[ksjayhawks]

OP, this is still in my mind, because your situation hits close to home.

I am really not even able to process how your husband (your BIL, thru your husband) is badgering you, online, AT WORK.... and you just 'gave in'.
OP, this is really much much deeper than any of us have realized.

This isn't about little petty crap like taking all the food out of the fridge.

If I were being badgered, online, AT WORK, and called a "%$$%$ &%@$&&".
That, seriously, would have been the very very end of it.

I would have either refused to respond at all, until I could speak face to face..
Or, my response would have been.

"I am sorry 'John'... I am AT WORK... You just called me "%$$%$ &%@$&&".
I will not be discussing any of this any more, until I see you face to face, and we can have a reasonable discussion"
Or, more preferably, "....face to face, in the office of a good marriage counselor".

It is hard to think that you have now become complicit in this whole thing.
You are allowing this to go on.
You have been participating in the whole 'engagement' and 'enablement'.

In fact, for me, the minute that I saw that the BIL's comments were asking your husband to speak with you, that would have told me that my husband had actually told BIL that 'I' was the one who 'wouldn't let him...' Throwing you under the bus. I would have told my husband that this was not acceptable, and requested some counseling, right there.

And, every dime of money says that when they return, BIL whines and manipulates, and 'can't go back his mother's'. EVERY DIME.

Again, OP, I am very very sorry.
I am sending hugs!!!

I have to agree with the post above. Your husband threw you under the bus, he has made you the bad guy not him, chose his brother over you and your kids, called you a name--in a text no less--and you caved to save a trip.

You keep saying that you can't cancel or postpone the trip. Yes, you can. You have chosen not to.

If someone had died or was in the hospital or your home had damage that required you to be there, you would probably cancel and reschedule for a later time. It would be disappointing, but it would be gotten over and life would go on with a trip to look forward to in the future. This is a similar situation. The trip can be cancelled. But it is your choice to make.

There is no way I could go on a trip with my dh after he did this to me and called me a name. I could not stand to be near him, to look at him, to be in pictures with him, to act like nothing was wrong, to speak civilly to him, let alone share a bed with him. It would be obvious to the rest of my family and that would affect their vacation as well plus I would not want others telling me to "snap out of it" or to "quit spoiling the vacation" or to "forget about it". That would not help at all. I would also be worried about my cat, my home, bil never leaving, what was going to happen with dh when we got home.

Well, this isn't going to end well for anyone......

OP - sorry you caved. Did exactly what BIL and hubster knew they could get you to do. Nothing will be the same from here on out. They know they can do this to you again, and again....

Prepare yourself for the BIL to be at your house for "just a few more days...." after you get back. "Maybe another week...." And then the fights when you try to push back - because calling you a blanking blank worked this time, it will probably work again....

So sorry you are in for this. Enjoy your trip.

Agree with the bolded above. Bil has won, has dh on his side, they have found your weak spot and will use it against you over and over.

In all seriousness, if my husband did what yours did he would come home tonight to a house where all the locks were changed or I'd have taken the kids and left.

He needs to understand how you really feel about this and respect that. The name calling was absolutely the final straw.

I would not leave my house, but I would definitely change the locks when you return home from the trip if you go and be careful who you give keys to.

OP, I am so sorry to hear that you caved. I would have sent a message similar to the one in the first message above and refused to discuss the issue by text and while I was at work. This was a discussion to have face-to-face with dh.

I was also on the don't pay for a hotel for bil camp as this would be another way of falling into his manipulation web and bil would know he could push buttons and you/dh would cave to his needs.

Your choice has been made to go on this trip. I hope that you can enjoy it considering all that is going on.

Before you leave on the trip, I would take any papers with personal information out of the house and keep them at your sister's house. I would take the laptops and cpu's over to sister's simply because I would not want bil going to inappropriate websites on your computers. Remove any jewelry and anything else that is important to you or your dds as well. Put a hold on your mail. I would not mess with other things. If stuff is gone or broken or there are high electric and cable tv bills, it might open dh's eyes.

You can still talk about this with dh as others have stated. If he refuses to listen and you go on the trip, do be prepared that bil is probably going to be there for awhile when you return. Why would he leave when he knows dh is on his side and you gave in to save a trip? He has you where he wants you now.

I really feel for you and the situation that you are in. This is a dh issue as others have said and I hope that you both consider counseling when you return or at least you do for yourself. I also worry about the message that you could be sending to your dds.

Hoping that you have an enjoyable trip if you go. Hugs.

 

[barkley]

I have to agree with the post above. Your husband threw you under the bus, he has made you the bad guy not him, chose his brother over you and your kids, called you a name--in a text no less--and you caved to save a trip.

You keep saying that you can't cancel or postpone the trip. Yes, you can. You have chosen not to.

If someone had died or was in the hospital or your home had damage that required you to be there, you would probably cancel and reschedule for a later time. It would be disappointing, but it would be gotten over and life would go on with a trip to look forward to in the future. This is a similar situation. The trip can be cancelled. But it is your choice to make.

There is no way I could go on a trip with my dh after he did this to me and called me a name. I could not stand to be near him, to look at him, to be in pictures with him, to act like nothing was wrong, to speak civilly to him, let alone share a bed with him. It would be obvious to the rest of my family and that would affect their vacation as well plus I would not want others telling me to "snap out of it" or to "quit spoiling the vacation" or to "forget about it". That would not help at all. I would also be worried about my cat, my home, bil never leaving, what was going to happen with dh when we got home.



Agree with the bolded above. Bil has won, has dh on his side, they have found your weak spot and will use it against you over and over.



I would not leave my house, but I would definitely change the locks when you return home from the trip if you go and be careful who you give keys to.

OP, I am so sorry to hear that you caved. I would have sent a message similar to the one in the first message above and refused to discuss the issue by text and while I was at work. This was a discussion to have face-to-face with dh.

I was also on the don't pay for a hotel for bil camp as this would be another way of falling into his manipulation web and bil would know he could push buttons and you/dh would cave to his needs.




Your choice has been made to go on this trip. I hope that you can enjoy it considering all that is going on.

Before you leave on the trip, I would take any papers with personal information out of the house and keep them at your sister's house. I would take the laptops and cpu's over to sister's simply because I would not want bil going to inappropriate websites on your computers. Remove any jewelry and anything else that is important to you or your dds as well. Put a hold on your mail. I would not mess with other things. If stuff is gone or broken or there are high electric and cable tv bills, it might open dh's eyes.

You can still talk about this with dh as others have stated. If he refuses to listen and you go on the trip, do be prepared that bil is probably going to be there for awhile when you return. Why would he leave when he knows dh is on his side and you gave in to save a trip? He has you where he wants you now.

I really feel for you and the situation that you are in. This is a dh issue as others have said and I hope that you both consider counseling when you return or at least you do for yourself. I also worry about the message that you could be sending to your dds.

Hoping that you have an enjoyable trip if you go. Hugs.

-so much of this post touches my heart-and in hindsight were key elements in my life choices. I believe kids learn what they live-and I didn't want mine to learn from my family member or the way mom and others enabled him (and the way she permitted him to verbally and emotionally abuse her and he tried pulling the same crap w/me to put me on the spot/embarrass me at family gatherings into giving into him to prevent a scene/save face)............................but in the end, prayers and best wishes to you.

this may just be in the minds of many a 'silly, anonymous Disney interest internet site'-but for some of us it's a place to be honest, to vent, to just talk and get opinions and ideas...your situation hits very close to home for some of us-and we hope only the best for you and yours.

this may sound off-but I want to personally thank you for sharing your situation b/c while it wasn't your intent, it has dredged up allot of old memories and emotions for me. emotions and memories that make me realize how much happier and safer I feel for the hard line I took going on 5 years ago. I'm no longer an emotional hostage to the 'user'. I no longer fear every phone call from their area code, but most of all-my dd who is now 21 and I thought was totally oblivious to the situation (I also limited interaction w/ the mooch) has shared with me in recent times how she WAS aware of what was going on from a young age, and how much she appreciates the absence of the stress and anguish she perceived (but didn't understand the underlying reasons for) being removed from our lives.

 

[Colargol]

OP: I hope you had the chance to talk with your DH last night, and that you came to some sort of agreement, whether it is counselling for the two of you, or boundaries for your BILs stay, and that you will be able to go on holiday knowing that you will sort out things together when you return home.

 

[Grmnshplvr]

well I pretty

OP I would really consider changing the wifi password and locking up all you computers/tablets. If BOL is into porn do you really want that tied to your account or on your devices?

I didn't even think about that! I will put a password on the computer and hide my daughters l laptop. thank you

 

[Grmnshplvr]

UPDATE - last night I got home before DH, got the girls and went school shopping, ice cream for dinner...we needed some retail therapy and sugar. It was a nice night. We got home DH came up to me and went in for a hug, and a "I'm so sorry babe". I told him "just don't" He said he had not told his brother he could stay....yet....and wanted to discuss it more.

Which we did not do. I am running out of time on getting back to school stuff ready and leaving for this trip so i spent the night labeling, laundry etc. I needed some mind numbing tasks for a while. I'm sure we will talk to night. I did ask DH to not text me at work any more unless someone was on fire. So hopefully today I have some peace and can get stuff straightened out at the office before I leave next week. I'm feeling extremely tired and overwhelmed at this point.

 

[CookieandOatmeal]

UPDATE - last night I got home before DH, got the girls and went school shopping, ice cream for dinner...we needed some retail therapy and sugar. It was a nice night. We got home DH came up to me and went in for a hug, and a "I'm so sorry babe". I told him "just don't" He said he had not told his brother he could stay....yet....and wanted to discuss it more.

Which we did not do. I am running out of time on getting back to school stuff ready and leaving for this trip so i spent the night labeling, laundry etc. I needed some mind numbing tasks for a while. I'm sure we will talk to night. I did ask DH to not text me at work any more unless someone was on fire. So hopefully today I have some peace and can get stuff straightened out at the office before I leave next week. I'm feeling extremely tired and overwhelmed at this point.

If you have any down time today at work, it might be a good idea to write down/list your feelings about this whole situation with BIL and hubby's reaction towards you. Then you have something to guide you if you and your hubby talk tonight and emotions get vamped up. Hope it all works out for you in the end.

 

[bdcp]

Sorry, but what I see is a marriage that needs counseling, bad. This would not happen in our home as DH puts me ahead of everyone, just as I do him. He knows how you feel, yet he keeps trying to manipulate and force this. To me, this is just a symptom of more than likely other issues. This isn't just about BIL by a long shot.

 

[Vernie822]

HUGS! After all this and he hasn't given him an answer on whether or not he can stay, perhaps he is ready to listen (even if you aren't ready to talk just yet) and the outcome will be better than you thought.

Ice cream for dinner is never a bad thing.

 

[Grmnshplvr]

HUGS! After all this and he hasn't given him an answer on whether or not he can stay, perhaps he is ready to listen (even if you aren't ready to talk just yet) and the outcome will be better than you thought.

Ice cream for dinner is never a bad thing.

I was surprised by that too, I am thinking he is trying to feel for how bad will it be if he does tell him he can stay and is it worth that? there is still hope but I am not holding my breath.

 

[Grmnshplvr]

If you have any down time today at work, it might be a good idea to write down/list your feelings about this whole situation with BIL and hubby's reaction towards you. Then you have something to guide you if you and your hubby talk tonight and emotions get vamped up. Hope it all works out for you in the end.

what I would really love is for him to read this thread. He truly believes I am just against his brother, and that isn't so.