When in laws cause problems

[barkley]

take that money you were going to use for your BIL's hotel and book a nice long spa day for the day you return from your vacation.
let your husband clean up the mess his brother leaves behind while you enjoy being pampered. i think you will need it after putting on a happy face for a week on vacation!
best of luck to you!!

take a few bucks more so while you're at the spa you can have Servpro come in and disinfect the place from top to bottom. they don't specifically name 'deadbeat bil doin the nasty on god knows what stank removal' under their services but I'm sure their disaster response services could handle it (maybe have the kids stay at your sister's until the cleanup is finished so you don't have to find small haz-mat suits for them).

 

[SC Minnie]

FWIW, maybe it's worth not BIL-proofing to the extreme. If there are no issues while you're gone then your DH will just come back with "see, it was fine" when you return.

But if there's a hefty cable bill, dishes everywhere that he has to clean up etc, he might start to see things differently.

It sounds like this is the first time his stuff is on the line for his brother.

I'm changing my view. I kind of like this one. I would still put away anything that could be used for identity theft but everything else let it go.

 

[superme80]

OP I am so sorry. I know this must be so hard for you. Yes lock up all valuables, info, and any medications.

 

[Colargol]

I understand your decision, and understand how incredebly hard it must be for you. I only hope your husband realises how much he is demanding from you, and that in the long run, the cost on your relationship may be very high.

 

[EMom]

Your husband and BIL knew you would be unlikely to cancel a vacation with extended family and used that to make you cave. It appears your BIL has taught your DH a few manipulation skills.

 

[Wishing on a star]

OP, this is still in my mind, because your situation hits close to home.

I am really not even able to process how your husband (your BIL, thru your husband) is badgering you, online, AT WORK.... and you just 'gave in'.
OP, this is really much much deeper than any of us have realized.

This isn't about little petty crap like taking all the food out of the fridge.

If I were being badgered, online, AT WORK, and called a "%$$%$ &%@$&&".
That, seriously, would have been the very very end of it.

I would have either refused to respond at all, until I could speak face to face..
Or, my response would have been.

"I am sorry 'John'... I am AT WORK... You just called me "%$$%$ &%@$&&".
I will not be discussing any of this any more, until I see you face to face, and we can have a reasonable discussion"
Or, more preferably, "....face to face, in the office of a good marriage counselor".

It is hard to think that you have now become complicit in this whole thing.
You are allowing this to go on.
You have been participating in the whole 'engagement' and 'enablement'.

In fact, for me, the minute that I saw that the BIL's comments were asking your husband to speak with you, that would have told me that my husband had actually told BIL that 'I' was the one who 'wouldn't let him...' Throwing you under the bus. I would have told my husband that this was not acceptable, and requested some counseling, right there.

And, every dime of money says that when they return, BIL whines and manipulates, and 'can't go back his mother's'. EVERY DIME.

Again, OP, I am very very sorry.
I am sending hugs!!!

 

[spacemountainmom]

Just unplug all of the tv's and put a padlock through the plug. Can't use it if you can't plug it in!

 

[robinb]

FWIW, maybe it's worth not BIL-proofing to the extreme. If there are no issues while you're gone then your DH will just come back with "see, it was fine" when you return.

But if there's a hefty cable bill, dishes everywhere that he has to clean up etc, he might start to see things differently.

It sounds like this is the first time his stuff is on the line for his brother.

I totally agree and was going to say the same thing. While it's fun to come up with endless passive aggressive digs that will piss off the BIL (the remotes taking a vacation ... that still cracks me up!), it is a childish, a waste of time and will just annoy everyone involved not just the BIL. I would make sure that my private papers are out of reach and that's it. No turning off the internet, no blocking the cable/satellite, no emptying the fridge, no cutting the phone, no taking the remotes on vacation, no bringing in an industrial cleaning service to sanitize the house (OK, I might also put on waterproof mattress pad). (1) The OP made up her mind and she just needs to move forward and not dwell on it. (2) Giving the BIL enough rope to hang himself may work in her favor.

 

[Tigerlulu]

One thing I just thought of...and I'm not an attorney, I don't know what area you live in or any of the legalities involved.

But remember recently (as in the past year or so maybe?) several families in the news who couldn't get someone to leave their home and the law was NOT on their side because they had invited someone there to begin with. One was a nanny and one was someone who rented the home for a week or so as a vacation thing while the family was out of town and wouldn't leave after the period was over. I think these are in California? I would check squatters rights before I ever left him there just to make sure you have recourse when you return and he won't leave.

 

[Kalliope]

I totally agree and was going to say the same thing. While it's fun to come up with endless passive aggressive digs that will piss off the BIL (the remotes taking a vacation ... that still cracks me up!), it is a childish, a waste of time and will just annoy everyone involved not just the BIL. I would make sure that my private papers are out of reach and that's it. No turning off the internet, no blocking the cable/satellite, no emptying the fridge, no cutting the phone, no taking the remotes on vacation, no bringing in an industrial cleaning service to sanitize the house (OK, I might also put on waterproof mattress pad). (1) The OP made up her mind and she just needs to move forward and not dwell on it. (2) Giving the BIL enough rope to hang himself may work in her favor.

Who gives a **** if her husband and BIL are annoyed? They certainly don't care OP is furious.

 

[Kalliope]

One thing I just thought of...and I'm not an attorney, I don't know what area you live in or any of the legalities involved.

But remember recently (as in the past year or so maybe?) several families in the news who couldn't get someone to leave their home and the law was NOT on their side because they had invited someone there to begin with. One was a nanny and one was someone who rented the home for a week or so as a vacation thing while the family was out of town and wouldn't leave after the period was over. I think these are in California? I would check squatters rights before I ever left him there just to make sure you have recourse when you return and he won't leave.

Yes, the BIL will never leave their house and he knows it.

 

[diznygirl]

Well, this isn't going to end well for anyone......

OP - sorry you caved. Did exactly what BIL and hubster knew they could get you to do. Nothing will be the same from here on out. They know they can do this to you again, and again....

Prepare yourself for the BIL to be at your house for "just a few more days...." after you get back. "Maybe another week...." And then the fights when you try to push back - because calling you a blanking blank worked this time, it will probably work again....

So sorry you are in for this. Enjoy your trip.

 

[katie01]

One thing I just thought of...and I'm not an attorney, I don't know what area you live in or any of the legalities involved.

But remember recently (as in the past year or so maybe?) several families in the news who couldn't get someone to leave their home and the law was NOT on their side because they had invited someone there to begin with. One was a nanny and one was someone who rented the home for a week or so as a vacation thing while the family was out of town and wouldn't leave after the period was over. I think these are in California? I would check squatters rights before I ever left him there just to make sure you have recourse when you return and he won't leave.

I completely agree with this. I recently saw a show where these sorts of incidents happened again to several people. One woman let people stay over for a short period of time, it may have only been a week, and then they refused to leave. And legally no one could force them out of her house! She had to put a lock on her refrigerate as they were eating all her food too. It sounded horrible. Especially since you said you BIL has a history of landlord's needing to evict him and take legal action to get him out. You may never get him or his girlfriend out if you let him stay

 

[Pumbaa_]

I am so sorry it has escalated to this. Your husband has forever changed your relationship. how can you ever trust him again? When the going got tough he resorted to name calling and intimidation.

 

[CookieandOatmeal]

Reading all of the previous posts makes me want to say that you can still back out of agreeing! I am really nervous for all the grief and stress you will most likely face when you get back from your trip.

 

[barkley]

One thing I just thought of...and I'm not an attorney, I don't know what area you live in or any of the legalities involved.

But remember recently (as in the past year or so maybe?) several families in the news who couldn't get someone to leave their home and the law was NOT on their side because they had invited someone there to begin with. One was a nanny and one was someone who rented the home for a week or so as a vacation thing while the family was out of town and wouldn't leave after the period was over. I think these are in California? I would check squatters rights before I ever left him there just to make sure you have recourse when you return and he won't leave.

yup-our mom let the deadbeat relative move into her home (California) and when push came to shove he got free legal aide to fight putting him out. part of it was his argument that he was a tenant being paid 'income in kind' (free room and board in exchange for supposedly helping out-which he never did), I'm guessing the bil in the op's case could argue he was getting free room/board in exchange for being a 'house sitter'.

long story short-mom ended up selling her home in part to get away from him (in part to avoid a long expensive legal battle that while she would likely win would end up w/him in house till it settled/her paying legal fees), moved in an assisted living apartment AND IN TRUE ENABLER STYLE-let him move back in when he had been kicked out/forcibly removed from the next set of enablers and was saying he would have to sleep in his car. he was in mom's apartment long after she was hospitalized and in nursing care b/c then we had to fight the battle to get him out.

this situation obviously hits close to home for me.


take care op.

 

[Jaya]

Years ago, we put in an offer on a house and then found out that the owner was selling it in order to get her daughter out. When it was apparent that the daughter wasn't leaving without a real fight (she changed all the locks the day before the inspection so nobody could get in), we backed out on the house. It was an ideal house, but just not worth getting in the middle of the conflict.

 

[Dawnlight]

Something to consider, OP, is the fact that if you are giving a set of house keys, he could make copies and enter after you have returned. All the hiding of documents and valuables will be for nothing if he has continued access to your home.

Ugh, I really dislike both your BIL and husband for doing this to you and your family.

Lots and lots of hugs and positive thoughts coming your way.

 

[spacemountainmom]

In all seriousness, if my husband did what yours did he would come home tonight to a house where all the locks were changed or I'd have taken the kids and left.

He needs to understand how you really feel about this and respect that. The name calling was absolutely the final straw.

 

[PollyannaMom]

Wow! I finally got to the end of this, having gone through several different answers in my head as things changed.

At this point, I wouldn't do anything petty like hiding the remotes, but I would remove sentimental valuables and account numbers.

I'd put a mattress cover on the bed and not give that another thought.

I'd still be worried about the cat, but you have your step-sister on that situation.

Enjoy your vacation with your family - don't concentrate on the bad side when you're with the good side. But book some couples' counseling for when you get home. You and Your DH should get this all worked out before it gets any worse.

Good luck, and a big ((hug)).