When do you grow up?

[TinkerBess_SnowTori]

A friend of mine goes out to lunch with her mother from time to time and always comments afterward how her mother doesn't offer to pay.

Now we are in our mid-thirties, grown women with good jobs and husbands.
Why would we need our mother's to pay for lunch?

I often offer to pay for my own mother's lunch - she raised me, fed me and clothed me. I owe her everything ... she does not still owe me lunch.

My friend's has a MIL who pays for her everywhere when they go out for lunch, she pays for gas when the go visit her, buys presents for no reason.

She complains that her own mother doesn't care and never did - in my mind her mother thinks her daughter is old enough to pay for her own lunch.

After listening to her complain - my only comment was "did you ever offer to buy your mother lunch?"

Now this brings me to why I am posting - am I way off base here? She thinks I am - she thinks once a mother always a mother and that she should continue to treat her like she "loves" her ie:-buy her lunch, etc...

I think my friend needs to grow up - and you think...

(I am a little worried about how much I am exposing myself)

 

[DVCLiz]

I can see your point, but my mother always bought meals for us when we went out with them as adults. Just a mom thing, I guess - I think now that I would probably buy lunch or dinner for my daughters and their families when they are grown women - just because I want to.

Bad form to whine about it, though, if her mom doesn't offer!!

 

[aprilgail2]

Well usually when I go out with my mom either I pay everything or sometimes I pay and she leaves a tip..once in a blue moon she will pay but I don't expect her to, she is a retired senior on a fixed income..all her spare money she puts towards my daughters college fund so of course I would pay for dinners out!

 

[NCDisneyMom]

I would say my Mom and I split it...sometimes she pays, sometimes I pay, sometimes we both pay. Usually, if we are out having lunch, it is at the mall, with my kids in tow. Sometimes she offers to pay, and sometimes we each pay our own way. I have never felt like she *should* pay, though. I'm a grown woman, married, with kids and a part-time job. If I can't afford to eat out, I shouldn't be going out to eat.

Now, my parents to babysit for free, when we need them to. So, I will sometimes make a point to bring my parents out somewhere nice than the mall food court and will treat them to a nice dinner, since they would never even consider the thought of taking money for babysitting.

 

[TinkerBess_SnowTori]

Thanks for your replies -

I think what bothers me is how she is mad about how her mother must not love her because she won't buy lunch.

It is silly that it even bothers me - I guess just heard it one too many times and she seems a little upset with me for not offering her sympathy - "After all - "I" have a good mother" -

Thanks again

 

[crz4mm2]

I try to always get the bill first and pay my mother's. She would pay mine if I would let her, but I feel it is my turn to treat her.

I think your friend is way off base.

 

[disykat]

I also think your friend is way of base for EXPECTING her mom to pay and equating it with love. If I go out with my parents, sometimes we pay, sometimes they pay, sometimes we split it. The love is there every time - regardless of who pays. They pay more often for my sibling who is less financially stable when they go out.

My FIL likes to be daddy and insists on always paying. It bugs me because we make more money than they do, but it doesn't bother dh so I keep my mouth shut.

My dad said he and his brothers (all in their 70's) had this conversation recently. One said his kids always pay, one said his kids never pay, and my dad said 50/50. Of the 3, he thinks he seemed to feel the most satisfied with the arrangement. My uncle whose kids never pay is ready to put his foot down (I'll believe it when I see it!).

 

[Kermit]

I think it's rude that she expects her mom to pay. Maybe her mom isn't paying because she's still working on her DD, trying to make her grow up.

My mom pays for EVERYTHING when she comes to visit, to the point that it bothers me. We like to go shopping together, and I always know that she's going to insist on paying for whatever I pick out. Sometimes I have to go back to the same store after she leaves because I really want something but don't want her to buy it for me.

We always treat when we go out with my ILs. They don't have a lot of extra money. We feel blessed to be able to treat them to things they couldn't have otherwise.

 

[Blueeyes101817]

i still live at home, but when i go out to dinner or lunch with just mom or just dad,,,i try to pay sometimes, and we usually end up just taking turns on who is paying..im almost 21, i have a job, i can pay too,,,i dont want them to feel like they have to

 

[twojo21]

i agree with you, she needs to grow up & stop expecting so much. when i go out with my mom we switch off on who treats.

 

[LindsayDunn228]

I'm 27, my mom is 49. When we lunch, sometimes I pay, sometimes she pays, sometimes we just pay our own. No real research involved.

 

[swilphil]

I think what bothers me is how she is mad about how her mother must not love her because she won't buy lunch.

She sounds like a spoiled brat. Maybe her mother is trying to make her realize that the she is an adult and can buy her own lunch.

 

[TinkerBess_SnowTori]

I wonder if I am a bad friend because I don't buy her lunch... I have offered before but always before the server can even start speaking she will call out-- "We're on separate tickets "

(BTW - that is just the way her mom does it )

 

[macraven]

my mom is a senior and due to distance, we do not see each other very often.

she is an invalid so when i am able to be with her, i cook all the food or go out and buy it all.

its the least i can do for her.
i do this out of love.

money will come and go, but i will only have my mother for a season.

 

[Microcell]

My mom died when I was 16, and I would pay for her lunch every day if I could only have her back.

I was also fully prepared on the day she died, to quit school to support her because she couldn't find work (she was so sick that she really couldn't function- but I didn't know that at the time).

 

[delilah]

After I got married, right out of college and 22yo, I never expected my parents to pay for anything, in any way, shape or form. Whenever we would go out with my parents, we would pay. Same way with my in-laws. With my siblings, however, we are good about splitting. Which means, we treat one time, they treat the next.

On the other hand, it irritates me that when we go out to dinner with my husband's cousin, they never pay, never offer to pay, not even for their own meal. Believe it or not, they wouldn't even join us for a day at Disneyworld unless we would pay their park admission. Needless to say, we have only gone with the cousin's son and his girlfriend once.

 

[chrissyk]

My mom ALWAYS pays when we go out...she won't ever let us pay!! It drives me nuts that I'm not even allowed to treat her on her birthday When you grow up, should you be the one to treat your parents I guess that it's a parent thing, but still...no, I don't think that an adult child should expect their parents to pick up the tab everywhere they go out to eat That's so silly!