When did you give the birds and bees talk to your kids and...

[Lachesis00]

how did you go about doing it?

My cousin's son has a "girlfriend" (not a "real" girlfriend). He is 10. I told her now would be the time to start the birds and bees talk... it is never too young.
She (nor her husband) are sure how to go about it with out it being uncomfortable for everyone. And yet she wants to make sure he has good and correct information. I told her I would ask around and see how she and her husband can go about it. They have an 8 year old too (he said he has 3 girlfriends ).

Thanks in advance!!

 

[kimblebee]

I just had the talk with my daughter a month or so ago. She is 9. I had a book that my mom actually used for me LOL All the info is still the same so I figured why not. It was a factual book that described what sex was without going into too many details. There were pictures too that made her blush but she needs to know what everything looks like. It wasn't in the book but we also talked about periods, puberty etc. She didn't have any questions at the time but she has asked me a few things since then. I was really dreading the talk but it was so much better than I had pictured. Tell your friend to relax and take a deep breath. It will be fine.

 

[tiggerlover]

It is never too early to talk to your children. We bought a book for our son when he was around 8, it was a book that explained about boys and girls, their different body parts and functions etc. We went over it with him and left it for him to look at whenever he wanted and we encouraged him to ask questions if he had them. Over the years we have talked to him on and off when we saw an opportunity to discuss it further. When DS turned 13 DH had a "talk" with him during a long car trip they were taking. Most recently a friends son, who is 20 got a girl pregnant and we used this as yet another opportunity to talk to DS. I think it is important to keep a dialog going over time so your child knows it is okay to talk to you about things when they need to. When we were talking about our friends son my DS said this is a very awkward conversation and my DH told him it was awkward for us too, but that it was imporatant conversations to have to keep the lines of communication open.

 

[Piglet4Ever]

I would say that once they start showing an interest in the opposite sex, then you should start having some discussions. My BF's nephew (by marriage) just turned 14, got his just turned 13 old girlfriend pregnant Now the parents are trying to figure out what to do and it's all a big ugly mess.

 

[marcyinPA]

My oldest DS is 14 and my youngest DS is 10. We do "the talk" in stages. With my oldest, we started in fifth grade, before they got "the talk" in school. We started with the basic info. As he got older, he got more info, but he always knew he could ask us ANYTHING.

When he was in 6th grade, we were forced to expand the talk to include many different things, including homosexuality, pornography, abortion, oral sex, etc. I say forced, because circumstances dictated that year. His middle school principal was arrested, in his office at school, for selling crystal meth. When they police arrested him, he was naked, watching gay porn. That same year, a girl in DS's 6th grade class had an abortion. And there were rumors going around that kids were performing oral sex in the classrooms while they were watching movies. Needless to say, we needed to expand on all of these situations pronto and give him all of the correct info.

My youngest is in fifth grade this year, and we've touched on various subjects but not in great detail. We will probably get more in depth this summer.

It's really important to give them the info they need to make wise, educated decisions. You just never know what they will be exposed to. Never did we think our oldest would have the 6th grade experience he did.

 

[Disneycrazy!!]

I had that talk with my daughter at age 10. It all started when our puppy had her first heat and she FREAKED out when she saw the dog bleeding. I then had to explain all about life as a female to her, and went on to discuss the rest.
My advice is to not act emberressed when talking to them. If you act emberressed and uncomfortable , it makes them feel that way too.

 

[-Hope-]

We have ongoing discussions in our house- when the kids have questions, we answer them in a straight forward and factual manner. The know the specifics of how their bodies will change during puberty and since dd9 walked into the room when ds10 asked the question they both heard about the changes that happen to both males and females. Because this is common neither of them were any more embarrassed to talk about this with their sibling in the room than if we'd been talking about how a bone heals after a break.

They both also know that babies are created by sperm fertilizing an egg but neither of them have asked yet how the sperm gets to the egg. When they ask, I'll tell them.

I was NOT raised this way- in fact when my daughter, 8 at the time, asked me in front of my dad to tell her again what the three 'holes' women and girls have are called my 52 year old father stuck his fingers in his ears and started singing 'lalalalalalalalalala' at the top of his lungs. I rolled my eyes at him and let my daughter know he was so silly and answered her question. She went back to the picture she was working on and didn't think any more about it. But that moment illustrates an important point- since I was raised in a home where you don't talk about these things I was embarrassed at first to talk about them with my kids. But the more I did it the easier it got and now we have a great dialouge and I'm confident that as they mature and need more information that dialogue will continue.

I think its also important to talk about the emotional side of things, not just the mechanics. We also have a dialouge in our house about how people treat each other, what a respectful relationship looks like, how a friend (or more as they grow older) accepts you for who you are and would never ask you to do something that makes you uncomfortable, etc.

I would tell your friend to start noticing these things and simply thinking aloud when their witnessed, say on a shared tv show. I often say things like, 'Well that's wierd, I would never pretend to like golf just to impress a boy,' or something along those lines0 and then I drop it (until next time when I make another short observation). These innocent comments while you're watching a movie together sink into kids heads far more than lectures and are a great way to open up some lines of communication if you're struggling with a way to broach the subject.

 

[NHdisneylover]

I can only answer from my own experience. As a former junior high teacher (back on what my DD likes to call ancient times, before middle school) I did not want my kids getting information (nearly alwasy at least partially wrong and never with my own particular values attached to it) at school. It is amazing what kids talk about at quite young ages.

I agree with a few PPs that A talk is not the way to handle things. It is an ongoing conversatoin. Anything important is. You don't have just one conversation about as school, or religion, or friends, or whatnot so why is this different.

I bought "Where Did I Come From?" for DD when I was pregnant with DS (Seh turned 2 4 days after he was born). That book remained on our shelves and was pulled out now and again from then on. I never gave it any more (or less) weight than any other book we read (Boom Chicka Boom, or books about digestion, or whatever). The result is neither of my kids can remember a time when they did not know where babies come from; it is right up there with how the ciculatory system works or how seeds grow into plants,etc--just scientific information they have.

Around age 7 for DD (She is an early bloomer) and 9 for DS I got them books about puberty that were gender specific (thouh both are available to both kids and we have in fact done some reading aloud all together). For girls I love The Care and Keeping of You put out by American Girl. The best I found for a boy was Usborne's What's Happening to Me.

By the time DD was 10 I also had It's Perfectly Normal on the Shelves (and whenever questions come up or I want to talk about a topic I pull it out to reference so the kids remember it is there). It covers pretty much everything--including a few thinks I did not think about.

So, from my perspective, your friend needs to get going NOW on this stuff. She is already too late. DD was amazed at the conversations (and misinformation) among the girls in summer camp last year (they were mostly 12--and it mostly invovled oral sex and that not being sex and it being totally "safe").

 

[Katy Belle]

My oldest was about 10 when I told him all the details. He already knew how babies get out of the Mommy and body part names and baisc anatomy, just not exactly what s*x was. My other two were younger. Youngest DS just turned 10 and he knows everything, because I just answer the older 2 questions even if he's in the room. I think its good to be informed.

One thing that I've always done is to say, "This can be an embarrassing subject. Mom may even get embarrassed. But I will ALWAYS answer your questions because its important for you to have the right information. So if I react strangely, its because I'm embarrassed or surprised, but I will still answer the question." It has worked well and I've talked to my oldest about stuff I would have NEVER asked my mom.

I did have a book that I borrowed from a friend that I used with the first son. I have some books now that the younger two have seen, but I just talked to them and told them.

Good luck to your friends! Parenting isn't for whimps!
Katy

 

[quasar4legs]

We've never had 'the talk', it was discussed as needed from the age of 3 or 4 onwards.
As our son asked questions or situations presented themselves we gave age/development appropriate information.
We were always keen to make sure our son was given accurate information that related to the physical and emotional aspects of s*x.

Cheers

 

[NMAmy]

I did it the same way my mom did by answering questions as they came up from the time dd was tiny. I didn't make a big deal of it. She knew pretty much everything by the time she was 8.

I've really come to admire my mom over the years as I've heard how freaked out other parents were by these discussions. I'm 46 and I guess she was kind of ahead of her time in her willingness to matter of factly discuss these things.

I'd recommend your cousin find some books and get started with both kids ASAP.

 

[sunnyday123]

The books the above poster suggested would be great; like many others, I've just always talked about it, giving DD age appropriate answers to her questions. I want her to have information before she makes a bad decision. We've also talked about drugs and alcohol. If you put it in the right context, I don't think it's ever too early. ( Maybe 2 or 3 would be!)

 

[mjkacmom]

My two oldest got a book with full disclosure at 10, which I think is on the late end. It's really important to open the lines of communication early, before puberty, and teen embarrassment. Thanks to questions regarding reproduction from my 7 and 9 year old crowd, everyone here knows how the sperm gets to the egg, but only the tween/teen crowd knows about everything else - birth control, STD's, oral sex, the physical and emotional dangers of teen sex, etc.

 

[mjkacmom]

They both also know that babies are created by sperm fertilizing an egg but neither of them have asked yet how the sperm gets to the egg. When they ask, I'll tell them.
.

I think you might want to tell them soon. When dd13 got all of the information at 10, it turns out she was also getting information at school (she wanted to know what boy periods, ie ejaculation, were). When ds11 got full disclosure at 10, he was under the impression that men peed into the women, thanks to information on the playground. My kids have known that the sperm fertilizes the egg their entire lives, just like spring follows winter. When my 7 and 9 year olds learned about the mechanics of sex, they were like "gross'" and they laughed, and went on their merry ways. They're not ready for the rest of the information, but starting in about 5th grade, talk is flowing at school.

BTW, dd13 never asked anything, and was MAD when I told her about menstruation before her 10th birthday - why had I waited so long!

 

[Magic Mom]

I agree, it's not just A talk, it's lots of little age appropriate talks. By 4th or 5th grade, please don't put it off even if you think your child isn't ready. I was floored the other day when DD 10 asked me what something meant. Apparently a boy in her class told her about something terrible that happened to him when he was 3. To make matters worse, he asked her to be his girlfriend the next day. Huge red flags are going off about that. Luckily she talks to me about those kids of things, and we agreed that she would not "go out" with him (she used the excuse 'my mom won't let me have a boyfriend yet.'). We had already had the generic "talk," so she felt comfortable coming to me and asking me that specific question. Thank God.

 

[Eeyore'sthebest]

I'm another one that never really hid the facts but did make them age appropriate. Just after her 9th birthday she got the full blown talk, complete with pictures. Boy was that a funny conversation. We were early for a Nets game so we were sitting in the car (really early) and I started chatting and the conversation ended up there. Imagine drawing pictures in the car in the parking lot. Anyway, she was ravenous for a more complete description so we got it all. Then chatted some more on the way home.

And folks, if you think you are doing your kids a service by waiting, think again. DD went to GS camp (day camp, not even sleep away). Here is the conversation I had with her during the summer after her talk.

DD: Mom, you should have heard about what the girls were saying about getting their period and sex.
Mom: What were they saying?
DD: Oh they had it all wrong. One of the older girls (maybe 11), tried to tell them the right things.
Mom: What did you do?
DD: I told them that they really needed to talk to their moms because they were wrong. I'm so glad you told me about it and I didn't hear it from them.

So yeah!! I did something right!!

 

[-Hope-]

I think you might want to tell them soon. When dd13 got all of the information at 10, it turns out she was also getting information at school (she wanted to know what boy periods, ie ejaculation, were). When ds11 got full disclosure at 10, he was under the impression that men peed into the women, thanks to information on the playground. My kids have known that the sperm fertilizes the egg their entire lives, just like spring follows winter. When my 7 and 9 year olds learned about the mechanics of sex, they were like "gross'" and they laughed, and went on their merry ways. They're not ready for the rest of the information, but starting in about 5th grade, talk is flowing at school.

BTW, dd13 never asked anything, and was MAD when I told her about menstruation before her 10th birthday - why had I waited so long!

Thanks for that advice. I know that the question is going to come soon and I'll wait for it. I was the complete opposite of your dd- I would get mad when my mom gave me more information than I asked for! I remember being MORTIFIED when I asked a simple question and her launching into a talk with waaaaay more information than I wanted to hear. As a result I learned not to go to my mom because I knew she wouldn't respect my personal comfort levels and boundries (I couldn't articulate that at the time but realize now that's what was going on).

My mom wanted to be open and honest but crossed the line so I try very hard to find the right balance with my kids and so far trusting my instincts has worked out well. They are great about asking questions and know that their friends often give them bad information. I think this is key- they need to be told this often so when they get info from somewhere else they know to question it. Just recently ds asked a question because his friend had told him something he didn't know if he should believe about puberty (he shouldn't have, lol). Based on our past conversations I'm pretty confident that they'll ask when they have questions. Dh and I have already decided that if they haven't asked by the age of 12 then we'll find a way to bring it up without embarrassing them. For example dd had never asked about her period because it just never occurred to her. I was only 10 when I got my first period so when she was about 9 1/2 (just a few months ago) I was flipping through the channels and noticed an old sitcom that showed the daughter getting her first period. It was a show my kids like so I tivoed it and made sure to turn it on the next day when dd was in the room. She cuddled up to watch it, got confused by the dialouge, asked me what a period is, I explained, and she said, 'oh, okay' and went back to watching tv. Since then she's asked a couple of questions that didn't occur to her during that first conversation. Sometimes kids need a push but I still strongly believe that the conversation should be on their terms. JMHO

 

[mjkacmom]

Thanks for that advice. I know that the question is going to come soon and I'll wait for it. I was the complete opposite of your dd- I would get mad when my mom gave me more information than I asked for! I remember being MORTIFIED when I asked a simple question and her launching into a talk with waaaaay more information than I wanted to hear. As a result I learned not to go to my mom because I knew she wouldn't respect my personal comfort levels and boundries (I couldn't articulate that at the time but realize now that's what was going on).

My mom wanted to be open and honest but crossed the line so I try very hard to find the right balance with my kids and so far trusting my instincts has worked out well. They are great about asking questions and know that their friends often give them bad information. I think this is key- they need to be told this often so when they get info from somewhere else they know to question it. Just recently ds asked a question because his friend had told him something he didn't know if he should believe about puberty (he shouldn't have, lol). Based on our past conversations I'm pretty confident that they'll ask when they have questions. Dh and I have already decided that if they haven't asked by the age of 12 then we'll find a way to bring it up without embarrassing them. For example dd had never asked about her period because it just never occurred to her. I was only 10 when I got my first period so when she was about 9 1/2 (just a few months ago) I was flipping through the channels and noticed an old sitcom that showed the daughter getting her first period. It was a show my kids like so I tivoed it and made sure to turn it on the next day when dd was in the room. She cuddled up to watch it, got confused by the dialouge, asked me what a period is, I explained, and she said, 'oh, okay' and went back to watching tv. Since then she's asked a couple of questions that didn't occur to her during that first conversation. Sometimes kids need a push but I still strongly believe that the conversation should be on their terms. JMHO

Honestly, I don't think dd13 would've ever asked. However, none of my children expressed any interest in potty training or giving up the binkie (things people say "don't worry, when they're ready, they'll let you know."). I gave them a book (It's So Amazing), told them to read it, and if they had any questions, they could ask me (and they did). I didn't want them to hear things out of the home, realize I've never explained this information to them, and get the impression that obviously these were things I was uncomfortable talking to them about. I also think it's really important to get uncomfortable information out there when it's not uncomfortable. Talking about the mechanics of sex with an 8 year old is actually much easier than with a 10/11 year old. Once they're tweens, a wall does come down, and unless a conversation has already been started, it's awkward.

 

[padams]

I agree that "the talk" should really be an ongoing series of conversations.

We started with older DS when he was 9, and it was obvious that it was time for some deodorant. Our first discussions were about body changes in boys. DS was horrified at these discussions and buried his head in his pillow. So, I bought him a couple of "facts of life" books for him. Barnes and Noble carried several in the children's books section. We told him to read the books and ask us if he had any questions. Over time, I would notice that the books moved around on his bookshelf so I think they were read. At 14, he is not as embarrassed by the topic as he had been.

Younger DS has always asked a lot of questions about everything. He is very matter of fact about the topic. No big deal for him. Of course, he is the child who figured out the Easter Bunny and Santa and informed his older brother (and his first grade class).

 

[kristilew]

My poor DD12: I teach classes that include the topics of sex within marriage and talking to your kids about sex. So she has been surrounded by books and conversation about it forever. (One of her favorite titles: Kevin Leman's Sex Begins in the Kitchen. Ewwwwww, Mom, please say that doesn't happen in our house!) eta: this is not a book for kids! she's only seen the title, not read it!

I think, OP, you'll find that getting the basic information out there will make a lot of other conversations easier. It's amazing how many topics and questions get danced around, because a parent is trying to figure out how to explain what, why, or why not, without mentioning anything to do with the birds and bees.

Also, if you have strong opinions about when a person should start engaging in these activities, it's important to get your vocabulary in to their minds first. You want them to compare everything they hear on the playground to your version of the truth, not the other way around. By later elementary school, they are already hearing plenty from other kids, even if they're not telling you about it.

My basic goal has always been for the conversations to be so easy and "no big deal" that it would never occur to DD to NOT ask about anything she wonders about. Still, kids get embarrased easily. So, while you want to have the initial conversation with a book to look at, I suggest follow ups be in the car, when your kid doesn't have to look directly at you. This time of year, when it's dark so early is especially great for "cover."

Good luck!

btw: I can suggest a good line of books, but as they have a religious slant, pm me if you want them.