What's your diagnosis?

[glenpreece]

Sounds like he's a self loathing 'mo for sure. If i had the money to move out i wouldn't stay at home with my family. Don't get me wrong i love my parents they are great and very open & understandling but i would really like to move out i just can't afford it, so for him not to as he can afford just reinforces the self loathing.

 

[MonorailMan]

First off, I should introduce myself akcire= Ericka. I am just not that creative with the screen names.

Second--if he is as much like my Father as you say, watch out you are in for a bumpy ride. If it was not my Father, I would have "divorced" him too and sometimes I do take a "time out" from him for a while. The fact that he wanted to date you, would concern me.

A big part of my Father's problem "I think" are some unresolved issues with sexuality, like your friend Dean appears to have. One of my friends asked me about it one time and I put it in terms of Sesame Street....Grover does a Near/Far explanation and emotionally that is my Father. All of his relationships are either super-clingy "too near" or very casual "too far", I honestly doubt Dean or my Father will ever learn how to achieve appropriate boundaries with others. [Dean probably thinks you are his best friend and he is yours or you are secret boyfriends]. My Father did do therapy for a while, but was too stubborn to allow himself to succeed and blamed the therapist, the process, the insurance company, money, others, and anything else he could think of why he should quit. I honestly think the therapist was relieved.

The only good thing is that my Father's conversations tend to cycle, so I don't really need to be an active listener and can mentally check myself out while talking to him (I have heard it all before). Like I said before, if he was not my Father (and honestly as a kid he was pretty decent, at the time the parents were still married and Grandma was still alive) I would have let the ship sail on the relationship. I feel a personality like this is toxic, and you have to make sure it is not impacting you.

No problem, Ericka. Nice to meet you. I'm Sean. I haven't seen you on here, so I wasn't too sure if you were one of those people who come over here for a day or two and then turn around and start gay-bashing. (It's happened )

This is going to sound bad, but don't take this the wrong way: I sometimes don't treat Dean like he's a real friend of mine. Instead he's almost like a "project" or someone I'm supposed to help.....so most of the time it's not difficult for me to separate myself from this "toxic personality". I'm sure if I started becoming attached emotionally I'd wind up paying for it because 99% of the time he obviously doesn't want help.

If I'm getting to deep for anybody just tell me to shut up.

Has Dean done any therapy or counseling? It sounds like he could use some.

Ohhhh no. Counseling is for everyone BUT Dean, at least in his eyes. He's one of those people who thinks he has no problems and is "immune" to everything

Here's an example that happened recently.....

I'm a fan of video games, but Dean is not. For a couple weeks I kept joking around with him that he should get a Playstation 3, but he was against it because "he hates gaming". A couple months ago he surprised me and called me to say that he bought a PS3. According to him he bought it because he heard it was one of the better Blu-Ray players on the market and since he loves Blu-Ray movies this was a good upgrade for him. He only has 2 Blu-Ray movies. He shelled out 300 bucks for his 2-disk library of movies on a system that's designed to first and foremost play games?? Then he bought a game for the PS3. He started playing it a few days a week, but he now plays it every day. A couple weeks ago he told me he started playing the game at 7pm and after playing for a while he was shocked when he looked at the clock to discover it was 5:30am. (He normally goes to bed at around 10, so this was a big deal for him.) He's done this a few times since then. I joked with him that the "anti-gamer" is addicted to video games, to which he became fairly adamant and said, "I am not! YOU'RE the game addict!" I informed him that the last time I played a video was almost 6 months ago. He's beaten this game a total of 6 times.....has given me numerous reviews about it.......and is now relating real life experiences to things that happen in this game. .......And I'M the addict.

Sounds like he's a self loathing 'mo for sure. If i had the money to move out i wouldn't stay at home with my family. Don't get me wrong i love my parents they are great and very open & understandling but i would really like to move out i just can't afford it, so for him not to as he can afford just reinforces the self loathing.

I think he's self-loathing, but he can't be a "mo" in his own home, which is probably where some of the problem stems from.

It sounds like we're in similar financial situations. Let's start a club.

 

[Sphyrna]

and is now relating real life experiences to things that happen in this game.

Reminds me of shortly after I started playing WoW and was riding in the car with my sister (who loves to watch me play it). We saw a dead deer on the side of the road and she says "let's skin it!" (my character in game is a skinner).

 

[akcire]

No problem, Ericka. Nice to meet you. I'm Sean. I haven't seen you on here, so I wasn't too sure if you were one of those people who come over here for a day or two and then turn around and start gay-bashing. (It's happened )

This is going to sound bad, but don't take this the wrong way: I sometimes don't treat Dean like he's a real friend of mine. Instead he's almost like a "project" or someone I'm supposed to help.....so most of the time it's not difficult for me to separate myself from this "toxic personality". I'm sure if I started becoming attached emotionally I'd wind up paying for it because 99% of the time he obviously doesn't want help.

Hi Sean. I post occasionally on the G&L forum, but I read it a couple times a week. The personalities on the G&L forum, as a whole, are more reflective of my off-line friends that the rest of the Dis. If you see my avatar gay bashing, please combine and use your collective powers of the internet to send the authorities, it means I am being held captive [I am not from USA and, as far as I know, GLBT hasn't been an issue up for debate in my lifetime (I have a 94 year old lesbian great aunt who will talk about "the dark ages"--she also serves beer at 10 am and is single Her partner of 70 years passed away a couple years ago and is now subject to bouts of melancholy), also keep in mind English is NOT my primary language].

As for Dean being your project--I understand. I have a "project person" too. You just have to watch out that you don't let "Dean's drama" overwhelm you, and when needed take a "Dean time out"--this has been very successful in managing my relationship with my Father.

 

[glenpreece]

No problem, Ericka. Nice to meet you. I'm Sean. I haven't seen you on here, so I wasn't too sure if you were one of those people who come over here for a day or two and then turn around and start gay-bashing. (It's happened )

This is going to sound bad, but don't take this the wrong way: I sometimes don't treat Dean like he's a real friend of mine. Instead he's almost like a "project" or someone I'm supposed to help.....so most of the time it's not difficult for me to separate myself from this "toxic personality". I'm sure if I started becoming attached emotionally I'd wind up paying for it because 99% of the time he obviously doesn't want help.

If I'm getting to deep for anybody just tell me to shut up.



Ohhhh no. Counseling is for everyone BUT Dean, at least in his eyes. He's one of those people who thinks he has no problems and is "immune" to everything

Here's an example that happened recently.....

I'm a fan of video games, but Dean is not. For a couple weeks I kept joking around with him that he should get a Playstation 3, but he was against it because "he hates gaming". A couple months ago he surprised me and called me to say that he bought a PS3. According to him he bought it because he heard it was one of the better Blu-Ray players on the market and since he loves Blu-Ray movies this was a good upgrade for him. He only has 2 Blu-Ray movies. He shelled out 300 bucks for his 2-disk library of movies on a system that's designed to first and foremost play games?? Then he bought a game for the PS3. He started playing it a few days a week, but he now plays it every day. A couple weeks ago he told me he started playing the game at 7pm and after playing for a while he was shocked when he looked at the clock to discover it was 5:30am. (He normally goes to bed at around 10, so this was a big deal for him.) He's done this a few times since then. I joked with him that the "anti-gamer" is addicted to video games, to which he became fairly adamant and said, "I am not! YOU'RE the game addict!" I informed him that the last time I played a video was almost 6 months ago. He's beaten this game a total of 6 times.....has given me numerous reviews about it.......and is now relating real life experiences to things that happen in this game. .......And I'M the addict.



I think he's self-loathing, but he can't be a "mo" in his own home, which is probably where some of the problem stems from.

It sounds like we're in similar financial situations. Let's start a club.

i'll be in any club u like

 

[MonorailMan]

(I have a 94 year old lesbian great aunt who will talk about "the dark ages"--she also serves beer at 10 am and is single Her partner of 70 years passed away a couple years ago and is now subject to bouts of melancholy), also keep in mind English is NOT my primary language].

Wow......70 years??? That's amazing. Most people I know are lucky if they can stay in a relationship for more than a year. I can understand feeling melancholy if she lost someone she had been with for that long.

I honestly didn't know English wasn't your first language. You're doing a good job.

i'll be in any club u like

Let me stamp your hand, sir.

 

[DVC~OKW~96]

Hi Sean. I post occasionally on the G&L forum, but I read it a couple times a week. The personalities on the G&L forum, as a whole, are more reflective of my off-line friends that the rest of the Dis. If you see my avatar gay bashing, please combine and use your collective powers of the internet to send the authorities, it means I am being held captive [I am not from USA and, as far as I know, GLBT hasn't been an issue up for debate in my lifetime (I have a 94 year old lesbian great aunt who will talk about "the dark ages"--she also serves beer at 10 am and is single Her partner of 70 years passed away a couple years ago and is now subject to bouts of melancholy), also keep in mind English is NOT my primary language].

Wow! I am awed. Partner of seventy years, ninety four, serves beer at ten am! Seriously, that is one awesome person.

By the way, I agree. Your English is absolutely fine!

 

[colaboy29]

He'll go to the bars 1-2 times a year, but once he leaves all he does is get upset over how the "gay scene" is, as he puts, dumb/overrated/stupid/ *insert any adjective you like here*. I'm kind of getting the feeling that he doesn't like being gay and is ashamed of what being gay is or can be.

I think you've hit the nail on the head there: he's ashamed of who he is. A qualified therapist would be the best thing, but you can't make someone do something they don't want to. You can keep talking to him and trying to help him, but don't feel hurt when he doesn't take your advice.