What would you have thought?

[Magpie]

First off, I think you should have called the father while you were driving to get your son and told him you were coming for your son because he had decided he wanted to go home. He should know the child is leaving and have fair warning that you are coming to his door.

Next, I also think I recall a thread about your son calling from school wanting to punch somone. Once I can see as really a bad day--but a pattern would indicate you should really work on his anger and social issues.

Also, short of something terrible happening (like if that boy had beat your son up or threatened him serious harm) disinviting the kid to his party should never have been allowed. My kids would be in big time trouble for being so rude and hurtful at that point.

Maybe your son just struggles socially and needs alone time to regroup--that is okay but then he needs to PLAN that (he is plenty old enough to do so) and not plan on being together with people longer than he can take and then just leave those people in a lurch when he no longer feels like socializing.

Honestly, just remembering your past post and reading about the dis-invite to the party and adding to that that your son will not talk about what happened and that neither you nor he thought to let the other parents know he was leaving--I think your son may be having social issues and not understanding fully what it takes to be a polite guest/host while still being safe (ie--it is okay to leave if you feel frightened or threatened or things are going on that you are worried about, like drinking, but it is not okay to just change your mind about wanting to be with someone and drop them or leave).

No worries - two very different incidents do not a pattern make, especially since he wasn't angry this time! And my son has MANY friends (which I mentioned in the previous post, too). He was hardly home this past March Break! His teachers all call him a "good kid" and tell me that he's "popular" at school. If only my daughter was so sociable...

I've already agreed that it would have been good to tell my son to let the dad know that he was leaving. I'll make sure he does that in the future. That's probably where some of my discomfort was coming from, and I'm grateful to the folks who suggested that.

But I'm not going to teach him that he's obliged to stay anywhere he doesn't want to stay - for any reason. I don't think it's true. Being a guest in someone's home does not mean you're a hostage. You can ALWAYS change your mind and decide to excuse yourself, as long as you do it politely. There's absolutely nothing rude about leaving early.

This goes for both my son AND my daughter.

ETA: As for the birthday party... I wasn't happy about that, and I made it clear to him that if the boy showed up he was welcome, no matter what. But some of the things this kid has said and done (chasing the fat kid, calling him names, telling my son that if he invited the autistic kid he'd boycott a previous party, tripping a kid on ice and giving him a concussion, etc...) make me think that my son wouldn't uninvite him over a minor infraction. And the fact remains that the kid worked his rear off to ingratiate himself to my son afterward. I decided to respect my son's judgment on this one, especially since I wasn't inclined to call and force the kid to come over my son's objections.

 

[Disney Doll]

I think I might be having a discussion with my kid about the amount of time he spends with this kid. Sounds like they have an up and down relationship and frankly, it might be time to turn this from a "we hang out together" freindship to a "we say hi and are pleasant to each other" acquaintanceship.

I can tell you that if I had called my parents at 13 to ask to be picked up from a sleepover, the time I spent with that child from that point on would have been severely limited.

 

[GaSleepingBeautyFan]

I've had it happen. I told the parent my son called me for pickup. The Mom said ok and we left.

After asking my son what happened on the way home, it turned out the boy was teasing my son and being a jerk towards him.
That was the end of that friendship.........

 

[EllenFrasier]

Well... I wondered about that. But I didn't want to embarrass my son.

Also, getting any kind of information out of my son can be difficult at the best of times. I did question my son, but I still don't know what happened. All he says is that the kid gets under his skin. Oh, and he recited a detailed list of everything he ate, which was apparently delicious.

AND the dad speaks English as a second (or possibly 3rd) language.

He's a 13 year old boy - sounds about right! Has your son stayed overnight at other friends houses before? Perhaps he was just homesick?

 

[shortbun]

I would never have pressed for information in front of the other kid/father but once in the car, I would have asked a lot of questions. Things like, 'were you safe, did he have drugs, did he physically try to harm you, will you EVER plan an overnight with him again?'
My son has one friend he carefully plans with. This kid is needy, asks to borrow all his stuff, asks my husband and I for money(his family is so poor, sometimes I give him money but only when he brings me good grades or it's his birthday or he volunteers to do some work around the house) and his siblings appear on our porch to participate in the activity too. My point is that your son can continue this friendship with careful planning-never plan an open ended activity like a sleepover-do movies(pkup and drop off), have deadlines or other solo or family activities planned that end the friend fun. Sometimes, even at age 13, a grown up has to step in and end the fun, kwim?

 

[smb6]

I can understand the OP line of thinking....

For one thing I totally agree with picking the child up and agree that later on that could come in handy knowing he can call for a ride, no questions asked! Even if nothing major was going on, I want my kids to feel free to call me to come home. Sometimes you just get homesick or what if the child feels uncomfortable, but can't pinpoint it- they should be able to trust that feeling and go home... not be told to stick it out....

As to what should have been told to the father.... sure in retrospect, stating that the ds called to go home would have been ideal, but the OP was caught off guard. Even though they had a 20 minute ride to wonder what happened, I am guessing on the ride over the assumed the dad was "in the know" and were not expecting to have to answer questions... I can see where you would want to question your ds in private and not in front of the other family....

The only thing I would have done differently is- Personally I would have gotten the whole story on the ride home; rather than still be in the dark about exactly what happened....

 

[krcit]

Oh for heaven's sake. Some of you really can make mountains out of a molehill. Kids have fights, they get under each other's skins and they sometimes want to go home. OP's son said he had to get out of there before he punched the kd and now he has anger management issues and needs therapy? Gimme a break. As for the dad not knowing that the boy was leaving, I would've been flustered also and done what the OP did. I would let my ds know that in the future he should let the host's parent know that he was leaving and that would be that. I have a 13 year old nephew. Sometimes if you look at him cross-eyed, he wants to go home. There is no deep dark secret or some major event, he just is a bit immature sometimes.

 

[declansdad]

No worries - two very different incidents do not a pattern make, especially since he wasn't angry this time! And my son has MANY friends (which I mentioned in the previous post, too). He was hardly home this past March Break! His teachers all call him a "good kid" and tell me that he's "popular" at school. If only my daughter was so sociable...

I've already agreed that it would have been good to tell my son to let the dad know that he was leaving. I'll make sure he does that in the future. That's probably where some of my discomfort was coming from, and I'm grateful to the folks who suggested that.

But I'm not going to teach him that he's obliged to stay anywhere he doesn't want to stay - for any reason. I don't think it's true. Being a guest in someone's home does not mean you're a hostage. You can ALWAYS change your mind and decide to excuse yourself, as long as you do it politely. There's absolutely nothing rude about leaving early.

This goes for both my son AND my daughter.

ETA: As for the birthday party... I wasn't happy about that, and I made it clear to him that if the boy showed up he was welcome, no matter what. But some of the things this kid has said and done (chasing the fat kid, calling him names, telling my son that if he invited the autistic kid he'd boycott a previous party, tripping a kid on ice and giving him a concussion, etc...) make me think that my son wouldn't uninvite him over a minor infraction. And the fact remains that the kid worked his rear off to ingratiate himself to my son afterward. I decided to respect my son's judgment on this one, especially since I wasn't inclined to call and force the kid to come over my son's objections.

Hmmm, twice now you have posted that your son has wanted to punch someone, someone he calls a friend. Seems like you may have somewhat of an issue with your son.

 

[aaarcher86]

Hmmm, twice now you have posted that your son has wanted to punch someone, someone he calls a friend. Seems like you may have somewhat of an issue with your son.

Then I need to find a therapist fast. I've lost count on the amount of times I've wanted to beat my husband with a broomstick