What would you do with a sister who is drifting away?

[auntpolly]

I have all sisters and we have never been the type to fight or feud about anything. We don't live close to each other, but we keep in touch, and when we are together it's like we were never apart.

Until recently. One of my sisters has gotten really involved in her church. She's been saying she's saved (like we aren't), and I hate to say this out loud because I've been trying to convince myself it's not true, I think she really is trying to "lose" the rest of us.

I know she sees our mom, but the rest of us, she could go months and months without talking to us. She hasn't invited any of us over in years. She hasn't called me but once in the past year and that was to ask me some professional advice. My other sisters say it is the same with them.
When we call her, she acts like she's too busy to talk. I just found out that she was vacationing in the town my DD goes to college in and didn't go see her (I'm not telling DD -- she would be so hurt.)

If this were a friend, I'd just chalk it up as another friend gone by the wayside, but this is my sister, and I love the little jerk. I feel that when mom dies, we'll never hear from her again.

What would you do? I've tried to talk to her about it and she says nothing is wrong, she's just busy.

 

[slo]

I wish I had some advice to give, but I don't. My family is really really small and we don't have any problems like this. I did want to give you some hugs though because hugs always make me feel better

 

[MAKmom]

I think the KEY to this mystery is the CHURCH DS is a member. of.

If you or your sisters have said anything negative about her " Being Saved" it may have reached her ears. This would make perfect sense to why she has drifted away.

I would show an interest in her spirituality...if you really want to be close again. Show support & she will feel accepted. Who knows you may learn more about your sister & end up even closer.

 

[Sherri]

Are your sure her church isn't more like a cult? I would think being involved in the Church would encourage family bonds.
Even if it isn't your thing, maybe you should ask if you could go to her church with her just once.
When she decided to be "saved" and start spending a lot of time at church, did any of you kid with her about it? If so then maybe she feel hurt and thats why she doesn't share that part of her life with anyone.
All I can say is there are times when my sister who I am very close to says something insensitive to me and my reaction is not confrontation but distance and I sulk (very mature- I know). Anyway it takes much effort on her part to make things better, but if she didn't try then I probably wouldn't let things go on like that for too long.
I hope things work out, I really do. Maybe you guys could have a sister weekend somewhere. My sister and I went to Boston in October for a couple of nights without our family, just the girls. It was so much fun to rebond.

 

[siouxi31]

We have a friend that the same thing happened to.
From our perspective, we're glad he's doing what makes him feel good in life but he's constantly trying to get us involved in his church. We finally had to tell him that we're not in that place of our lives right now where we feel the need to be saved. In the meantime, he's free to pray for our souls but he also needs to remember that every one of us is god's creature and if we choose not to be saved, we should be given the same respect as those who choose to be saved where he should still talk to us regardless of our decision. Isn't that what a higher power is about? Treating others as they would want to be treated doesn't only apply to fellow "saved" souls.
I wish you the best with your sister. Maybe you can talk to her along the lines of this. Don't make her being involved in her church a bad thing. Let her know that you accept her life and that she needs to accept yours.

 

[auntpolly]

Actually I don't think that's it. (I'm refering to the post that said maybe she heard that I've said something negative). We've all been very supportive of her spirituality -- we're all very involved in our respective churches -- it's just that she's been using hers as an excuse not to see us any more.

And at Christmas, and times when we do get together (times that involve Mom) she's beginning to want to talk about it in a way that says she's trying to say that she's found the answer and we haven't.

I've been blaming it on that and maybe that's not it. I don't really care what the reason is -- I just want her back. I would never critcize her religion. I just feel like she's not so hot on mine.

 

[auntpolly]

Are your sure her church isn't more like a cult? .

It's a Presbyterian church -- it's just gotten very charismatic. She told us at christmas about how most other churches aren't full of the holy spirit because she don't sing the same songs they do or pray the way they do.

 

[auntpolly]

Maybe you can talk to her along the lines of this. Don't make her being involved in her church a bad thing. Let her know that you accept her life and that she needs to accept yours.

I feel that I do that I've done that. I'm always telling her that I think it's great -- we just don't ever seem to talk about anything else.

Not that we have that much chance to. But Christmas eve we all sat around and listened to her talk for hours about her spiritual journey. I love to listen to that stuff -- I'm not kidding. But she's never interested in ours. Or us.

 

[Nevergrow'nup]

Okay, I can comment partly from the other sister's perspective. My family feels that we have replaced them with church. We have not. We have more activities because of our involvement but we do not avoid them. They seem to avoid us. Their excuse is your probably busy with church but we just wanted to let you know that we are having a party, etc.
Yes, church has become a very big part of our lives but not to the exclusion of every thing else. My family has treated us very different, they are afraid to tell jokes, stories, etc that we may "judge" them. When our children have had special music times at church, we have invited them to church. Some have attended but when they come, they act as if everyone is out to brainwash them. When service is over, they can't run any faster to the doors!!
I have heard comments like "you never call anymore, we never see you anymore" However, the phone works both ways. We get comments like "I don't call because I figure your too busy." Well, church is always on Sunday, That means I am home most of the rest of the time.
Anyways, I'm sending you and I'm not trying to send Just keep an open mind and please don't shut your sister out, church is not a bad thing to be involved in!!

 

[auntpolly]

I call my sister every week. It's almost getting silly though, because I end up talking to my brother in law. He says, she'll call you back, but she never, ever does. I mean never. My sisters say the same thing.

 

[powellrj]

this can be pretty common with new christians. They have a whole new world open up to them and it can be overwhelming at times. Be happy for her but also be there for her. Chances are when the newness wears off, she will be back to spend more time with you.

 

[auntpolly]

this can be pretty common with new christians. They have a whole new world open up to them and it can be overwhelming at times. Be happy for her but also be there for her. Chances are when the newness wears off, she will be back to spend more time with you.

I'd say this has been 2 years that it's been really bad -- and it's getting worse not better. Do I just let her go? I guess I have no choice.

 

[escape]

I guess one option would be to ask your ministers/church heads for advice. I'm sure they have heard similar stories.

Something else that came to mind is sending her a hand-written note expressing your support and/or concerns. This way, she doesn't have to defend her actions to you (ie...being busy) but can think about the situation on her own terms.

 

[Nevergrow'nup]

The difference is that I make the effort to talk to my family. I certainly don't judge them on their beliefs but I don't expect them to judge me either.
I hope that things get better with your sister,

 

[auntpolly]

Something else that came to mind is sending her a hand-written note expressing your support and/or concerns. This way, she doesn't have to defend her actions to you (ie...being busy) but can think about the situation on her own terms.

I hadn't thought of that -- If I write one maybe I'll post it here so you guys can tell me what I'd better rephrase! I'm afraid of it coming out wrong and then it being there in black and white forever!

 

[The Mystery Machine]

WWYD?
I would let her be. I think the more you go after her, the more she runs away.
The old saying...."If you love something set it free..." applies here.
It can really be a testament to yourself, honestly. Can you let her go & give her space?
It is really hard to do the thing you are supposed to.

 

[auntpolly]

WWYD?
I would let her be. I think the more you go after her, the more she runs away.
The old saying...."If you love something set it free..." applies here.
It can really be a testament to yourself, honestly. Can you let her go & give her space?
It is really hard to do the thing you are supposed to.

I guess you are right -- but we aren't kids anymore. I see so many families that drift away from each other to the point of no return. My husband's grandmother died not having spoken to her sisters for 10 years (this was an all our feud though.) And besides, it doesn't seem like I have a choice anyway.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

I guess you are right -- but we aren't kids anymore.

Right you are not kids. Your relationship is changing. So you can either fight it or accept the change.
Not easy, I know, believe me. I think acceptance of how things are is the hardest thing to do for a human being. I really do.

 

[auntpolly]

Right you are not kids. Your relationship is changing. So you can either fight it or accept the change.
Not easy, I know, believe me. I think acceptance of how things are is the hardest thing to do for a human being. I really do.

So you think we should accept the fact she doesn't really want us now? I guess I think about that every week, but almost out of anger. I think, "I should just never call her again!!!" But then I think, "no, I don't want it to be that way." I guess I've felt like I shouldn't give up on her, but maybe you are right.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

So you think we should accept the fact she doesn't really want us now? I guess I think about that every week, but almost out of anger. I think, "I should just never call her again!!!" But then I think, "no, I don't want it to be that way." I guess I've felt like I shouldn't give up on her, but maybe you are right.

Yes.

It is funny, I went through the same thing with my sister (no church, different reasons), and it was the hardest thing FOR ME.
My sister could care less. You are really fighting YOURSELF!!!
Wrap that around your brain.