What would you do moms? (long)

[bellarose23]

My sisters, 11 year old twins in 6th grade, are having troubles with a girl they've been friends with since kindergarten. This girl has two older sisters that I believe have influenced her quite a bit over the years, and for a few years now, let's call her X, has been "over" the interests of other girls in their age group way before anyone else.

Towards the end of last year she really started in on the twins, and this year, though she seldom sees them during the school day, it's enough to be a nuisance. Every day at lunch she rags on the twins for liking Disney, wearing "baby-ish Disney clothes", and not shopping at the stores the teens shop at. Now, it's not like they wear Disney stuff every day or don't have other interests, but according to X the twins are not "acting their age, not wearing grown up enough clothes and shouldn't still be playing with toys." What makes it worse is a few of the other friends in the group they have grown up with like these so called baby-ish things but remain silent when X teases, and even back her up! One twin is more outspoken than the other, but they both have stood up and said they can all have different interests and still be respectful of each other and remain friends. They are trying to distance themselves without being rude and making enemies, as we all know how petty pre-teen and teenage girls can be.

Now for those of you thinking they should just make new friends, I should mention that they have. Last year when two other small towns joined the district (I live where the suburbs turn into cornfields, and the towns are quite small) the twins made some friends with the out of towners too. And here's where it really gets heartbreaking. My sisters don't single others out for differences or perceived "weirdness", but many others do. Some of the friends they made were teased incessently for being too "farmy", wearing overalls, stuttering, or, worst of all, one girl has a club foot and walks with a limp that became a kiss of death. My one sister that had her in homeroom actually came home crying one day, saying that if the other kids would only get to know her they'd see how sweet she is, and how bad she felt that this poor girl was shunned by the others without even a hello.

So for all of you that have dealt with this, what else would you tell your kids?
We have told the girls to stand their ground while not criticizing what anyone else likes. I pointed out that I see many teens shopping for tee shirts at the Disney Store, and that many stores carry shirts with cartoon characters in the teen section. And they know about the DIS, and we're not all 5 yrs old!! But it's getting to the point where I think she's trying to figure out how to influence them. She's telling them they need IM, and that she will buy them appropriate clothes for their birthday. She gets mad when the more outspoken twin speaks up for who she is and isn't afraid to be herself. I absolutely hate this-my sisters are sweet, hard working kids and they are hurt that they're old friend is treating them like this. I told them to get used to it, because unfortunatley from here on out, this is how it is. I just hope that if they are going to drift apart, it happens amicably and without drama. What a shame that kids aren't allowed to be kids and grow up in due time. My friend teaches 8th grade at the same school, and some of the conversations he overhears are unbelievable.

 

[Alex2kMommy]

OK, I'll chime in. I'm the mother of two little boys, so am likely not going to have to deal with this (or at least not in the same way that girls tend to deal with it.)

My guess is that this girl's older sisters put her down for doing the very things your sisters are doing, so she quit doing what she likes and is doing what the older sisters tell her is socially acceptable. Poor girl, she can't be having much fun, and I don't think being a snot to other kids can be much fun either, but it's how she's trying to get some of her power back.

I think the way your sisters have handled this up to now is amazingly well-adjusted. I mean, they're only 11yo, right? Totally mature responses to this girl's snide comments, letting her know that they respect her right to her opinion, but they are doing what they want regardless. YAY, girls!!! On top of all that, they've made friends with other kids this girl finds socially unacceptable. AND they've stuck up for these friends when the snotty girl makes fun of them in public!

I just want to say that I am so impressed with how they have handled this girl. I didn't have half their maturity and courage at their age! If they still have feelings of friendship for her, the only thing I can suggest is that one of them asks this girl why she is behaving this way. Someone questioning it might give this girl a little insight into her own behavior.

I guess if my son came home and said someone was trying to tell him how to dress or act, I would ask him, "Do you want someone else telling you how to live, or do you want to do your own thinking? You can give your power to someone else, or you can live your own life. It's your choice."

 

[holycow]

It sounds like your sisters are really great girls! I think it is time for the teacher/administration to step up to the plate and create some unity amongst the students though.

I know they have peer groups that help people get along. That poor little girl with the club foot. That makes me so angry! I know it is tough for your sisters but don't give in to this girl. Especially the IM...I've heard that can be even worse when it comes to spreading nastiness.


Good luck!


Holycow

 

[bellarose23]

Thank you for the kind words. Raising kids is tough, and we're so grateful that so far, so good. They're so much younger than me that I feel protective like a mom with them. Hopefully this all blows over, but I remember what it was like at that age and I don't like to see them or anyone else get hurt. And yes, I agree, the IM stuff can be so dangerous, and kids really use it as a way to stir up trouble.