What would you do in this situation?

[zuzi2000]

I am actually a frequent poster on these boards but have come in under an alias to ask this personal question. I'll get right to it. When DH and I got married, I knew that he was a drug abuser years ago in college. We talked about it extensively and he assured me that it has been long since out of his life. Well, about a year after we were married, I noticed that about once a week he would act really strange (I'll spare you the details), sweat alot, be twitchy, and have really clammy hands. Long story short after several denials, I found physical evidence that what I had strongly suspected was true. We worked through it over time things were ok aside from the trust which was starting to mend. A year later, same thing happened again. Only this time, I was wiser and could recognize the signs much faster without doubt of being paranoid. Again, we worked through the bulk of it but the whole trust thing is harder to re-obtain. I told him that I would not live in this situataion (even though it only resurfaced on rare occasion). Now, 4 years later, I come home last night and I noticed the same symptoms again although not as strong as usual. When I got home today, I searched the house (he's not home yet) and found some pretty darn suspicious physical evidence. I'm heartbroken! I feel I need to stick by my guns and leave as promised but I'm having a hard time sucking it up and doing it. Is this an occasion where I need to seriously consider breaking up an otherwise wonderful marriage (yeah, I know, this is a big kink), or is there someway that we can work through this, end the problem somehow, and over time regain my trust. I feel I'm way too emotionally involved to make this judgement call right now. Thanks for any advice---good or bad.

 

[Chilehead Too]

Wow tough spot you are in for sure. I don't have much advice as far as the drug addiction, but I would look into counceling for yourself and learn how to detach. If he wants to use, he's gonna use regardless of any threat by you. I do know that the addict has got to want to stop for themselves not anyone else.

As far as the trust, I'm afraid that is going to take lots of time as it should. You can not expect yourself to trust after all the lies and deceipt.

Good wishes to you in this tough spot you are in.

 

[kirbsam]

good luck...he obviously can not stop on his own...it is time to go to inpatient rehab. if you just leave, he will go downhill very fast, or it will be the wake up call that he needs. i dont have any advice, but my prayers are with you as you make your decision. i urge you to help him truly get the help he needs, whether you decide to leave him or not.

 

[tiggersmom2]

Yes, if my hubby was a drug user I would leave. I have children and could NOT afford to have them think that was OK. Of course I would try to rehabilitate him....but if that didn't work he would be gone.

 

[chell]

It isn't easy living with an addict of any kind. The emotional toll on you is much greater than you realize at this point. Just know that you can't fix him. Nothing you say or do can make him get through this, no matter how hard you push or how much you love him. For me the most difficult thing was not being able to fix him. I'm saying this so that maybe you won't put so much of yourself into trying to fix him. All you can do is support him and be there for him - and that is pretty darn difficult to do.

You need to try to find a way for him to open up and be honest with you. He needs to tell you the truth not what he thinks you want to hear. But I'm sure you already know that.

My opinion is that you should stick to your guns and leave as you said. Just like with a child he needs to see that you will carry through. If you don't he may little by little push it more and more and you don't need that at all.

You also have to worry about your physical safety. Is it the kind of drug that could make him snap? Make him crazy and harm himself or you?

Please take care of yourself no matte what you decide. And know that we are here for you to support you evey step of the way no matter what you decide.

 

[zuzi2000]

The thing that I just don't understand is that he can do it once and then not touch it for a very long time. The only real side effect (or withdrawl effect maybe) is mild paranoia and distrust of ME (ironic isn't it) for a short period of time afterward (at least, this has been the case for the past 2 occasions--all I have to base it on). He comes home every night on time and we occasionally pop in at each others work so I feel confident that he isn't finding occasions on a regualr basis to do it that I just don't know about. He would breeze through any inpatient program (I really don't think that he is physically addicted). The problem is the long term mental addiction. What do you do about that?

 

[ClarabelleCowFan]

Do you have children? What type of drugs?

Been there done that and it never did get better on its own so I left and have never looked back. I agree with the poster that said that the addict needs to WANT help. He needs to be in some sort of counseling or rehab - he has proven that he cant stop on his own.

Sometimes tough love works and sometimes it doesnt.

You owe it to yourself to take yourself out of a dangerous situation though.

Good luck to you!

 

[Chilehead Too]

He would breeze through any inpatient program (I really don't think that he is physically addicted). The problem is the long term mental addiction. What do you do about that?

That is your denial talking. You need to step back and look at the whole picture here. He is using and lying about it. You really do not know the extent of it, no matter what you think, Your denial is not going to help him, but more importantly will not help you. Youi need to focus on you right now, you cannot fix his problems.

 

[kirbsam]

inpatient programs are not only for physical addictions. they teach him how to control the mental part also. you say he could breeze through an inpatient program, meaning he hasnt done it yet. i think you and he would be surprised by what he could accomplish there. he obviously needs help, because any he has gotten so far has not worked. he needs to learn how to just say no and keep saying no. he hasnt learned that yet, i urge you to help him get the help he needs. an inpatient stint is the way to go. please do not minimize what it can do for him.

 

[Kristi1357]

First off

I have been where you are, but didn't know my ex had done drugs heavily before I met him. He had always told me that he never even tried any drugs like all his addict brothers and that he didn't want to be like them. I believed him. All was fine & good until we were married 2.5 years. He lost out on a promotion at work and went off the deep end. Alcohol, drugs, cheating, you name it.

We went to counseling together for months. He had "no problem" - wasn't "addicted" & could "stop any time (he) wanted to - (he) just didn't want to."

Every case is different, of course. The most important lesson I learned is that you can lead a horse to water, but you can't make him drink.

Personally, I think tough love (leaving him) may be the only way he hits bottom. And even that may not work. You need to do what's right for you, and living like this doesn't sound like it's what you deserve. Heck, no one deserves this sort of treatment. If nothing else, get some counseling for yourself so you know exactly how to deal with your DH, no matter which course of action you choose.

Also, from your description - it sounds alot like how my ex used to get: sweating alot & clammy hands. I was so naive back then & had no clue what those signs meant.

Good luck with whatever you decide!

 

[scoutsmom99]

 

[mylilnikita]

Sorry you are going through this.
Without me going into detail, I know about this kind of situation from the kind of view you are at. Your DH needs to hit rock bottom before he even thinks he will want to get help. He would probably go along with counseling just to pacify you, but it wouldn't help.
You need to leave. Pure and simple.

 

[OceanAnnie]

I agree with Chilehead Too (and the other posters). You don't truly know the extent of his problem. You only know what you have seen. That makes it hard, when you think he's only doing it now and then. He may be doing it much more often but either hiding it better or doing it when you aren't around.

He does have to want to stop as a poster stated early on.

What about his friends? Do they have a problem?

This is a huge problem. No matter how small his usage seems. It can effect you in so many ways. In addition to what others have stated, it can get to be financially draining. He's lying to you about usage, he could be racking up some hidden bills that you would (also) be responsible for. He could bring people into your life that could eventually harm him (and you). That sort of thing is in the newspaper quite a bit. It's a myriad of possibilities. If he doesn't get help none of those possibilities are good.

I'd have a problem with the consistent lying and deception. I couldn't stay for that.

I hope he gets help. I hope it will all be resolved favorably. Good luck.

 

[momrek06]

To the OP:

I think (and I am NO professional) but YES, it is so darn hard to stick to your plans to leave, PAINFUL.

What I would suggest is he NEEDS professional help in a big way. Tell him he needs to get into a treatment program. If he follows through and seems to be trying desperately to be getting his life in order and OFF the drugs, then BE THERE FOR HIM....if he chooses NO and thinks he can "lick" this on his own...then that is the time to seriously considering telling him you are GOING!

You have not mentioned if you have children....OP: this is NOT the environment for children. Bottomline: this behavior has to STOP and now!

 

[MouseWorshipin]

If DH became abusive, I might move but I wouldn't divorce him. For better or for worse...in sickness and in health...for as long as you both shall live. To me, it was a promise to DH and to God. I'd take my Worse and my Sickness. ...but that's just me.

I wouldn't have threatened to leave, though, if I weren't actually planning to do it. Maybe if you move out it'll shake some sense into him. Sometimes guys turn things around when their wives leave. Sometimes they get worse.

If he's willing to go for drug treatment, get him there ASAP. Once in a while it works!

It sounds like you're thinking things through and not making rash decisions. I'm sure you'll come to the right decision for you and your family.

I can't imagine how you (or your husband) feel. This has to be hard for both of you. Good luck.

 

[Aidensmom]

Been there. Done that. Don't take as long as I did to realize you shouldn't be in that relationship. In my case, he quit for a long while, but then resented me for "making" him quit.

If the relationship is one-sided, there is no reason to put yourself through it. And with kids (if you have any, thank God my ex and I did not have any) are going to suffer the most from it if the situation does not get taken care of (either by HIM choosing to quit, or you getting you and your kids out of there).

 

[The Mystery Machine]

No there is nothing you can do.
More importantly, it is NOT about YOU. He is an addict and that is that.
You are having a hard time accepting reality, which is normal.
My suggestion to you would be to go to some kind of program like Al-Alon, which will open your eyes.

Now for the question WWYD???

Drug addicts need money to support their habit. Where is he getting it from?
I would dig deep...Now you are married everything is joint.
Hidden loans, credit cards, etc....
This is your first stop. Find all money trails....consider an attorney to get advice if you find you are in trouble.

 

[DisneyMommyMichelle]

That is your denial talking. You need to step back and look at the whole picture here. He is using and lying about it. You really do not know the extent of it, no matter what you think, Your denial is not going to help him, but more importantly will not help you. Youi need to focus on you right now, you cannot fix his problems

I agree with this 100%

If it were me in this situation, i would have to leave, it's proof in the way he keeps going back to drugs that he isn't believing that you will actually leave.

 

[TammyAlphabet]

My only advice would be to imagine that you had a child in that situation, what advice would you give them. That is probably the best course of action. Someone gave me this advice in a difficult situation and it helped me to become more objective. Good luck and I wish both you and your DH the best.

 

[Tigger113]

If it was me I would tell him that he HAS to go to get some help and see a phyc. or I would leave him.
You are in a difficult situation and I hope everything works out.