What Would You Do If Your 92 Yr Old Mother.....

[Hisgirl]

was diagnosed with early uterine cancer? I am NOT asking for medical advice. More, tales from your own family experiences.

My mother has dementia and had had some bleeding. After tests last week, she got an "early, low grade, run of the mil"l uterine cancer diagnosis (doctor's words)

No pain, only some bleeding. Today, we saw the oncologist and her suggestion was either radiation if muscle invasion, or medical UID inserted if no muscle invasion, all determined by MRI.

So here's the thing. My mother is 92. She lives in assisted living with daddy who also has dementia. They still have sex. If she did get radiation, I know it can severely burn or damage tissues. Short of moving her to another room, which they can't afford, I don't know how we can keep them apart in that regard.
Why oh why would a doctor even suggest a radiation course for someone who is that old anyway??

I'd love to hear your own journeys with uterine cancer. Hers was not one of many syndromes or genetic type and she is BRCA negative, having survived breast cancer twice.

 

[tvguy]

I dealt with lung cancer with my mom when she was 89. They believe she had had it for 5 years when it was discovered. She was in otherwise good health, but statistically, every possible treatment would shorten her life by more than the cancer. She lived 13 months after the discover.
So I agree with you, based on what my mom's Doctors said, her age dictated that no treatment was best.

 

[QueenIsabella]

At 92, with a dementia diagnosis, I wouldn't even consider treatment. I would prepare, as best I could, to let her go peacefully.

No cancer, but my mom had dementia--a rapidly advancing type. When she reached the point where she could no longer feed herself, Sis and I had "the talk". Sis has power of attorney, etc. Mom could still chew and swallow, but not bring a fork up to her mouth. We knew what was coming--do you put in a feeding tube, or let your mother starve to death? Mom did us a huge favor and died before we had to actually make the tough decision.

I know it's hard. Let her go.

 

[Hisgirl]

Thank you all. While mama gets some help choosing her daily outfit, she walks down to the dining hall, feeds herself, answers the phone, has sweet conversations, ask appropriate questions and goes to daily exercise and music concerts they have. She's definitely not in decline other than this. But ...she is 92. No other health issues. She has had the dementia for a full on 5-6 years but still knows us all, just forgets the details. And yes, such a hard time.

 

[kymom99]

Thank you all. While mama gets some help choosing her daily outfit, she walks down to the dining hall, feeds herself, answers the phone, has sweet conversations, ask appropriate questions and goes to daily exercise and music concerts they have. She's definitely not in decline other than this. But ...she is 92. No other health issues. She has had the dementia for a full on 5-6 years but still knows us all, just forgets the details. And yes, such a hard time.

Radiation to that area is not a walk in the park. My mom had cervical cancer in her early 70s and had radiation. She suffered with severe diarrhea during the treatment and a damaged bladder afterwards.

Doctors will suggest possible treatments but you don’t have to agree to them. I’d keep her comfortable and let nature take its course.

 

[dvcgirl67]

I mean...I'm just going to say it...the fact that they are 92, living together in an assisted living facility together and still having "relations"....is amazing. I honestly would not put your Mom through much...I'd let things take its course.

In our world we have my husband's father who is almost 91, sharp as a tack and in great physical shape.....taking care of his mom who is 87. She's beginning to fail...having had a few mini-strokes and. mobility issues. Our goal is to keep them together as long as we possibly can, but they are on very different "planes" at this point, unlike your parents.. And so, I would say to treat your Mom medically...nothing that will prevent them from being together as they now are in every way....for as long as they may have. The fact that they sound like they are in the same "place" physically and mentally is really something.

Best to you and your family!

 

[fly girl]

I have no first hand advice, only my personal thoughts if it was my mom. (dealt with dementia with my grandma)

I would do everything to make sure she is comfortable without invasive treatment. Radiation? No. She is 92, not 29. Just make sure she is comfortable. That's all that is needed.

 

[goofytinkerbell]

1

 

[ronandannette]

Thank you all. While mama gets some help choosing her daily outfit, she walks down to the dining hall, feeds herself, answers the phone, has sweet conversations, ask appropriate questions and goes to daily exercise and music concerts they have. She's definitely not in decline other than this. But ...she is 92. No other health issues. She has had the dementia for a full on 5-6 years but still knows us all, just forgets the details. And yes, such a hard time.

First of all, grace and peace. This season of life, watching our parents decline and becoming responsible for them is one of the hardest you will ever have.

Question: Is the decision up to you or is your mother still competent to have input into her own medical decisions? If it's the latter, I suppose you need to factor in what she wants as I doubt the medical team would be willing to completely disregard her wishes.

If you are her sole medical proxy, well, bluntly put, I'd decline any active treatment. Our brother was profoundly mentally handicapped and my sister and I became his guardians when our parents no longer could be. At the age of 68 he was diagnosed with lung cancer. Just getting the diagnosis itself was literally torture to him; the procedures were invasive and there was no way to assuage his discomfort and fear. We knew he couldn't tolerate the surgery and chemotherapy it would have taken to give him a really good prognosis. We went with nothing; absolutely no treatment and didn't even try to explain the concept of cancer, or his mortality to him. He actually outlived his expectancy by over a year; only being really sick the final 14 days before his death, which occurred in an incredibly loving and supportive hospice facility that met their commitment to keeping him pain-free.

Now, in order to do this, our decision had to be subject to review by our provincial health region's medical ethics committee. Due to his disability, he was deemed especially vulnerable and they had the final say over what was in his best interest. We bruised our knees praying some bureaucrat somewhere wouldn't make a decision that would have caused him untold suffering and trauma. Blessedly, with all the medical professionals supportive of our position, we had no trouble. We loved and cared for him and gave him his best life possible during that last 20 months. We wouldn't do one single thing different if we had it to do over again.

 

[kymom99]

I’ll add that when mom was 82 she was diagnosed with stage 4 lung cancer. Doctors suggested chemo. She said no, we encouraged her to try. She agreed and suffered greatly. If we had it to do over we would have honored her wishes.

 

[ronandannette]

I’ll add that when mom was 82 she was diagnosed with stage 4 lung cancer. Doctors suggested chemo. She said no, we encouraged her to try. She agreed and suffered greatly. If we had it to do over we would have honored her wishes.

The idea of "not fighting" is so counter-cultural and it's terribly difficult to imagine letting a loved one go. I'm sure what she did, she did out of love for you and as a mom myself (as you are too), I'd have put myself through it for the sake of my kids; I'll bet she would tell you the same thing.

 

[jo-jo]

I have no life experience to add to this, but I wonder with the dementia would your mom even understand what would be going on. It might be very frighting for her with people causing her pain with treatments.

 

[Hisgirl]

To the questions about her cognitive ability to understand. She had breast cancer and a double mastectomy. She is aware and can state her name, birthday and tell someone the state of her non-existant breasts. She can say she has two daughters and give the name of her husband but no, is not making medical decisions for herself.

I have not told her about the cancer. The assisted living director and nurse there both said, Please don't say the C word, it greatly distresses them. So I told her she has a growth and thickened lining that causes the bleeding.

Her dementia affects her executive decision making and her memory ability. So while she may say, yes, I'd like to get treatment (as long as it doesn't hurt or cost too much) she wouldn't remember saying this the next day and might completely say no.

Everytime, and I mean EVERY TIME we go to the doctor, she is telling me why she doesn't need to be there. She hates going and gets high blood pressure.

This is a woman who, at the age of 27, was admitted to an Atlanta area hospital to have an ovarian cyst removed and every single &^%$* male intern came into her room to do a breast exam.

Another time, after her age 36 mastectomy, the doctor had her in the room and she looked up and saw she was in the center of a theater room and the whole class of residents and interns were all watching.

So this is a woman who does not trust doctors.

 

[Southernmiss]

I'm really surprised the doctor suggested radiation at your mother's age.

I'm in the group to say let it run it's course.

I know several elderly at our church for whom after mid 80s the doctors don't recommend a lot of invasive procedures.

There's currently a 94 year old who was healthy as a horse and driving herself wherever she wanted to go until she had a fall about 2 months ago and broke her pelvis. The doctor's said they could not operate due to her age. She's now declined so much due to this that she's in a nursing home facility and last week we thought she was not going to survive. But she's tough and hanging in there.

 

[amcnj]

Now this is from maybe 1984 and a much younger patient. The radiation treatment was something like tubes of radium that had to be placed near the site over a few days for certain periods of time. Not full blown radiation treatment like I tend to think of it. The patient is now the same age as your mother.

Maybe you already know what the details are for the treatments suggested, but if not, find out before deciding anything.

 

[disykat]

I would not treat aggressively and specifically do what will give her quality of life right now. Is there a way to treat that helps with the bleeding and but not aggressively treat the cancer?

I've gone round and round with my siblings about this whenever there are decisions to be made regarding our parents including being told "you're trying to kill my father" etc. by the least involved of them for even mentioning the lesser or non-treatment options given by the medical professionals. My goal was (and still is with mom, who's still living) for the most joyful present I can provide. My dad used to insistently tell me he did NOT want to be at the doctor's office and he WAS a doctor for many years. It's such a fine balance trying to honor them, honor what they need now, what they would have wanted when they were more involved in decision making, etc.

I found it helpful to talk to a friend and a cousin who were medical professionals not involved in my parent's healthcare for their opinion, not on specific treatment, but about the decision of whether to treat or not. A friend who is a social worker was a lot of help and was able to give me some of the reading material they give about palliative care and hospice. Don't be afraid to ask to speak to a social worker etc. through your health care provider. Quite a while before hospice was considered, my dad went on a program called "transition to hospice" that was aimed at helping families make these kinds of decisions.

 

[fortwildernessishome]

was diagnosed with early uterine cancer? I am NOT asking for medical advice. More, tales from your own family experiences.

My mother has dementia and had had some bleeding. After tests last week, she got an "early, low grade, run of the mil"l uterine cancer diagnosis (doctor's words)

No pain, only some bleeding. Today, we saw the oncologist and her suggestion was either radiation if muscle invasion, or medical UID inserted if no muscle invasion, all determined by MRI.

So here's the thing. My mother is 92. She lives in assisted living with daddy who also has dementia. They still have sex. If she did get radiation, I know it can severely burn or damage tissues. Short of moving her to another room, which they can't afford, I don't know how we can keep them apart in that regard.
Why oh why would a doctor even suggest a radiation course for someone who is that old anyway??

I'd love to hear your own journeys with uterine cancer. Hers was not one of many syndromes or genetic type and she is BRCA negative, having survived breast cancer twice.

First of all, let me say that I am sorry that you are going through this and to say that you are a most wonderful and caring daughter! Your parents are lucky to have you.

What puzzles me reading this is if it an "early uterine cancer", I wonder why the oncologist is suggesting radiation or medical UID insertion?

In 2011, I was diagnosed with uterine cancer. (and ovarian at the same time) It was a stage 1. I'd just had a hysterectomy , so I didnt receive any additional treatment for the uterine cancer. Am I correct to guess, that they don't want to operate to remove the uterus and that is why they are suggesting the other forms of treatment?

At any rate, I'd just let her enjoy life and not treat it. Often times uterine cancer is very slow growing and if this is an "early" cancer, there is a good chance at her age that the cancer won't effect her life span.

Best of luck to you and your Mom.

 

[mumto3girls]

I would not put her through the trauma of treatment. My mother passed away last August from Alzheimer’s. She was only 74 when she died and I would have encouraged my dad, who was her decision maker, to not treat any other illnesses (beyond pain control) in her last 5 or so years.

 

[izzy]

My dad went thru this with my grandmother when she was 92. It wasn’t a definitive diagnosis of uterine cancer, but the doctor thought for sure that’s what it was. He didn’t think it was a good idea to perform an invasive procedure on her to confirm this. My father agreed. She didn’t have dementia, but was overall pretty frail anyway. I think she passed within a year but didn’t really suffer.

My father was diagnosed with small cell bladder cancer at 84, just a few months shy of his 85th birthday. The cancer had spread to a few other areas, too. He chose not to do any treatments, and we as his family wholly supported his decision. His overall health was bad, and I think any attempts to treat the cancer would have shortened his life and he would have been very sick those last few months. We immediately called in home hospice and they were a godsend. Absolute angels. The next 2 months were relatively pain free for him until the last few days when we had to put him in a hospice facility. We were all glad that he had made the decision he had, but would have also supported him if he wanted treatment.

Obviously it’s a tough decision, and I’m sorry that you’re having to go thru this. Every situation is different, and I’m sure y’all will pick the right path.

 

[BayouQueen]

If it were me, I’d prefer to go out peacefully and more naturally at that age. Cancer treatments are not a walk in the park.
Amazing that she and her husband are still living and loving together. That’s a life well-lived.