What to do when your sister is headed for a cliff...

[RachelsMommie]

Okay, I need some advice. Sorry this is so long.

I have 2 older sisters, both of which are totally different from me. I'm the "crazy Dave Ramsey follower". They are the "enjoy your life" spenders.

My sister and her husband have been fighting their way out of debt. She has a high-paying job, and he owns a landscaping company that employs 1 or 2 people. They have borrowed money from my parents twice in the past 2 years when things got bad enough that they needed help. My parents don't know why they borrowed money as they weren't given a reason. FWIW, I think they borrowed money for "unexpected" expenses like car and house maintenance.

Anyway, the first time, they paid it back. The second time, they kept promising to pay it back but never did. Finally, my parents went to them and said they were forgiving the balance of the loan (around $2500) since they were so stressed about paying the money back. My sister and her DH were SO happy and thanked my parents. They said they were especially stressed since my sister's job has been looking shaky as her company is outsourcing like crazy lately. They loan forgiveness happened about 3 or 4 months ago.

So fast forward to tonight. We all went out for a family dinner for my birthday. During dinner, my sister mentioned they were buying a horse for their DD10. Okay, my sister lives on a tiny lot in a suburb like we do, so I laugh as I thought she was kidding. They say they are boarding the horse at the stable where she takes lessons and the trainer said for $560/month, the horse's boarding is covered plus their daughter's lessons. I ask how much this horse they are buying costs, and they tell me $7500. Yeah, I almost threw up. They don't have that kind of money, so the owner (who is also the owner of the stable) is going to let them pay it in monthly installments.

So they couldn't pay my parents $2500, her job is unstable, he is self-employed, and they have a lot of debt, but they are going to take on $560/month in horse boarding/lessons/fees, PLUS $7500 worth of debt for the horse (and I don't know what that monthly payment is).

How do I stop them from this STUPIDITY???? Sorry this is so long, but I am so scared for my sister and need help with what I can say to stop her from putting their financial well-being at risk.

Thanks in advance!

 

[sk!mom]

Sorry, I know what it is to worry and stress over the situations of family members however, you can't do anything. Mind your own business and don't loan them money no matter what.

 

[kwelch10377]

You don't say anything. Their financial situation really isn't any of your business. If they come to you to borrow money, a simple no is all you need to say.

 

[tlh0726]

You cannot help someone who doesn't want to help themselves.

Only thing you can do is pray that they do not ask your parents for any help and if they do that your parents can tell them sorry but no.

 

[shortbun]

Yeah, you gotta teep twiet! I have two siblings and we all think the other is crazy at different times but we keep our mouths shut because we found doing it the other way was very destructive to our family serenity. Never loan them money and you have to allow your parents to make their own decisions-hard, very hard, I know. As Suze Ormon says 'people first, then money, then things.'

 

[quasar4legs]

There is nothing you can do but I can appreciate that it must be frustrating watching them head down this financial path.

 

[elainesj]

ugh not much u can do.

My brother is not so great with money either - but thankfully only has small problems.

My mom told me last night she was asking him abt a $5000 CC bill he has that he has not paid off and he said that he will be putting that off for a while more. In the next breath, he told her he has enough money put aside for him and his wife to fly home to visit (prob abt $2k Or so).

er....why doesn;t the money go towards paying off their debts? But that's just not their first priority.

 

[ThisIsTheYear]

Unfortunately there is nothing you can do. My sister has the same lifestyle as yours and I've tried for years to help her. I finally gave up and realized she can only help herself. Thankfully, she doesn't ask us for money. She will have to learn the hard way.

 

[akcire]

There is not much to do but watch them sink. People never like to be told how to handle their money. I would just make certain that your parents know the costs associated with their new horse--so they don't make any more loans.

The only good thing about this story, is that the person selling the horse is also the person who owns the boarding location. I say this because often times you hear of animals who are neglected due to people's financial woes. Hopefully the horse owner, will keep up his horse even if your sister fails to meet her obligation.

 

[DisneyScraps]

You can't, it's just that simple.

Lisa

 

[ChisJo]

you have to allow people to lie in the bed they made..plain and simple. Hopefully your parents won't help them out of the bind that they are potentially putting themselves into.

I'm the youngest of 5...I was the "mistake", so I'm quite a bit younger than everybody else. I literally learned from every one elses mistakes. My 40 year old brother had to move back home a month ago because he lost his house because of stupid financial decisions that he made, is on his second divorce, and will probably not see his kids for a very long time, and essentially, I won't be seeing my nephews or niece for a while because of his decisions. I have another sister that claimed bankruptcy twice, and both times laughed it off....I'm the only one in my family with an education, and I'm the only one who was smart enough to plan for my future (investing, saving for emergencies ie: lost job). I'm the only one in my family who has never asked my parents for money. I just have to look at my siblings and shake my head and remind myself that they are just disasters waiting to happen.

You can't do anything...plain and simple. They have to realize their mistakes, and in the case that people just keep bailing them out, they will never learn. Its like enabling an addict....you bail them out, they will just keep doing it. Tough love is sometimes the best thing you can give.

 

[luvdzny]

You don't say anything. Their financial situation really isn't any of your business. If they come to you to borrow money, a simple no is all you need to say.

Exactly what I was thinking. Why stress over THEIR problems?

 

[moongirl]

Well, I guess I will be the lone person who says that I would say something to her if she were my sister. In my family, we say what we think about things and then we all know where we stand with each other. We don't hold grudges or hurt feelings inside. We say how we feel and then move on.

I'd tell her that it really bothered me that she had borrowed money and not paid it back to my parents and then talked about paying 3 times that much for an un-needed horse. I'd ask her how she thought it made her parents feel when she was talking about that at dinner? I'd then say that I just needed to tell her how I was feeling about the conversation about money over dinner and that I was worried about her financial health. Give her a copy of Dave's book and tell her that you worry about her and that you'd like her to read the book. Then say, you will never mention this again as you've said what you had to say on the subject BUT you'd appreciate it if she didn't involve her family in her personal financial discussions anymore because everyone was worried about her. Then I'd leave her alone and never mention it again.

You may not change her but at least she knows how you feel and you are not harboring stress/anger/fear about her situation anymore.

 

[homedad]

u cant do or say anything that will change thier mind

 

[RachelsMommie]

Well, I guess I will be the lone person who says that I would say something to her if she were my sister. In my family, we say what we think about things and then we all know where we stand with each other. We don't hold grudges or hurt feelings inside. We say how we feel and then move on.

I'd tell her that it really bothered me that she had borrowed money and not paid it back to my parents and then talked about paying 3 times that much for an un-needed horse. I'd ask her how she thought it made her parents feel when she was talking about that at dinner? I'd then say that I just needed to tell her how I was feeling about the conversation about money over dinner and that I was worried about her financial health. Give her a copy of Dave's book and tell her that you worry about her and that you'd like her to read the book. Then say, you will never mention this again as you've said what you had to say on the subject BUT you'd appreciate it if she didn't involve her family in her personal financial discussions anymore because everyone was worried about her. Then I'd leave her alone and never mention it again.

You may not change her but at least she knows how you feel and you are not harboring stress/anger/fear about her situation anymore.

I let my feelings be known at dinner, as did my parents and my other sister. It was a strange dinner as my oldest sister bought a horse yesterday for her daughter. Let's call her "Sister A". Sister A has a "horse property" with a barn, land, etc. They make over $650K a year. She paid $2500 cash for the horse. I have no problem with her getting a horse for her daughter.

The problem is, I'm not supposed to know that "Sister B" borrowed money from my parents. She has broken down crying to me twice about their money problems, and my mom told me in confidence about the money they borrowed and about forgiving the debt. I'm not supposed to know about it.

My mom is so upset. I told her that she and my dad need to tell Sister B that if they buy this horse, don't expect to borrow money from my parents again. My parents won't do it as they worry that they might really need money and want to be there for the family. Trouble is, my parents are approaching 70 and are trying to pay off their house so they can retire. So I get to listen to my parents worry about money while I think my sister just snookered them out of 2 grand.

I know there is nothing I can do. I could tell my sister and her husband are FURIOUS with me for saying anything last night. I've offered them Dave's book before and they declined. They think I'm crazy. Hey, my DH and I are crazy like foxes. We're happy to be living like no one else!

Thanks for all of the responses. I knew you guys would understand and I figured there was nothing more I could do.

 

[Shelly F - Ohio]

As much as it hurts you to think about your sister situation there comes a time when family should not step in and help them out. They have to live and learn. If I were you parents I would not give them money. If they are that bad off rather than give them money. It only enabling there foolish spending. If they don't have money for food I would buy food for them but I would not give them the money.
They have to learn some time to take responsiblity for there actions. If you sister can not provide for her kids she can have them taken away from her and she would be charged with child neglict.

 

[Marionnette]

I let my feelings be known at dinner, as did my parents and my other sister. It was a strange dinner as my oldest sister bought a horse yesterday for her daughter. Let's call her "Sister A". Sister A has a "horse property" with a barn, land, etc. They make over $650K a year. She paid $2500 cash for the horse. I have no problem with her getting a horse for her daughter.

The problem is, I'm not supposed to know that "Sister B" borrowed money from my parents. She has broken down crying to me twice about their money problems, and my mom told me in confidence about the money they borrowed and about forgiving the debt. I'm not supposed to know about it.

My mom is so upset. I told her that she and my dad need to tell Sister B that if they buy this horse, don't expect to borrow money from my parents again. My parents won't do it as they worry that they might really need money and want to be there for the family. Trouble is, my parents are approaching 70 and are trying to pay off their house so they can retire. So I get to listen to my parents worry about money while I think my sister just snookered them out of 2 grand.

I know there is nothing I can do. I could tell my sister and her husband are FURIOUS with me for saying anything last night. I've offered them Dave's book before and they declined. They think I'm crazy. Hey, my DH and I are crazy like foxes. We're happy to be living like no one else!

Thanks for all of the responses. I knew you guys would understand and I figured there was nothing more I could do.

The borrowed money and debt forgiveness is between your parents and your sister. You need to step back from the situation since it doesn't involve you. You can't control other people. You can only control how you react to them.

I've had to bite my tongue while two of my brothers continually borrow from my parents and not pay them back. Over and over again. For stupid things like not having the money to pay for their tickets when they get to Disney because spendthrift sister in law didn't set the money aside but promised to pay it back when the next week's paycheck was deposited. The only reason that I know this is because my parents do not forgive the debts. They keep a running tab. I'm the executor of their wills. It will be my responsibility to tell the deadbeat brothers that they already spent their share of the "estate".

 

[starwood]

While there is nothing you can do you might also mention something I don't think they are considering - veterinary bills. You don't just board and feed a horse you also need to give it medical care. That is an added expense.

 

[tweedlemom]

I understand. My family is pretty much watching my broher go through the exact same thing. He's a big boy, and he's making these decisions so he will have to pay the consequences. He wants no one's advice so we will just have to sit back and let him live his life how he chooses. Hard to watch.

 

[RachaelA]

Its hard to watch, but honestly there is nothing you can do. Its not your business.

I will say they are going to be paying way more than $560/month for the horse for board on top of the monthly payments for the horse. I don't think they understand how much it costs. Lessons may be covered (and its probably only 1 a week), but what about vet bills, tack, supplements, show fees, trailering fees, extra lessons, etc. They will probably end up paying more than a couple thousand a month in the summer if your niece is actively showing.