What to do about my Mom?

[JennyMominRI]

SO at the end of next month my 75 YO mother will have a kidney removed due to cancer...It's a pretty serious surgery..I mean it's not on the level of heart surgery or anything like that,but I assume there will be some real recovery time involved...I really have no experience with surgery,especially with an older person.I know she will be in the hospital for a week or so after the surgery,but should she be alone when she goes home..Is she going to be able to manage? I sort of assumed she would need someone to be there at least for the first week or so..Had this happened at a different time,I would
have brought her here..
She had not thought about what happens after..She assumed she would be just fine and would need no help.. I should mention that my mother is a bit of a hypochondriac, so I just *know* this will not be any easy recovery.
She asked today why she couldn't just come to my house for a week or so so I can take care of her..Well the surgery is probably going to be at the end of next month .. 2 things will be happening
Either Ed will have just been released from the hospital and will need 24 hour care or he will still be in the hospital and I will be there for a big chunk of the day.. I don't know how I am supposed to take care of them both..I mean there is only one bedroom downstairs and neither of them will be able to go upstairs.
Now I feel guilty becase I don't know how much help I can give her. My siblings sure aren't going to be much help either...I feel like I'm being pulled in 15 different directions.. I feel awful for my mother but there is just a limit to how much I can do

 

[lisajl]

to you! It is going to difficult on you if you try to take care of both of them. I know, I have tried it before with family.
You love them, but you don't want to wear yourself out, either.
Can your mom have a nurse with her? Does she have any insurance coverage that might pay for that? If she did that most of the week, could you check on her the other days?

Best wishes...
Lisa

 

[JennyMominRI]

to you! It is going to difficult on you if you try to take care of both of them. I know, I have tried it before with family.
You love them, but you don't want to wear yourself out, either.
Can your mom have a nurse with her? Does she have any insurance coverage that might pay for that? If she did that most of the week, could you check on her the other days?

Best wishes...
Lisa

My mother gets Medicare and I have her looking that up... Me checing on her is tough.. I haven't driven since I had mini-strokes a few years back and she's 1/2 an hour away... I go to and from the hospital by us most days.

 

[froglady]

When she is admitted to the hospital, contact social services and fill them in on what is going on. Make it VERY clear that you will NOT be able to take her to your home.

When I was in a similar situation (I have a 2 story home with NO bedrooms downstairs) they arranged for DM to spend a few days in a nursing/rehab facility. I know that it isn't ideal, but it will also (hopefully) be an incentive for your mother to get back to status quo ASAP.

 

[JennyMominRI]

When she is admitted to the hospital, contact social services and fill them in on what is going on. Make it VERY clear that you will NOT be able to take her to your home.

When I was in a similar situation (I have a 2 story home with NO bedrooms downstairs) they arranged for DM to spend a few days in a nursing/rehab facility. I know that it isn't ideal, but it will also (hopefully) be an incentive for your mother to get back to status quo ASAP.

I'm already in contact with a Social worker at this hospital ,who is helping me with ED..Maybe I can contact her.

 

[SwedishMeatball]

Talk to her doctor and see if he can request she go to a rehab facility, often right next door to the hospital. I forget the rules on medicare, but I believe she is allowed so many days for this type of thing.

 

[Pea-n-Me]

Depending on her general health and how she does after surgery, she may be a candidate for short term rehab or home services after discharge from the hospital. You can ask about it during her recovery, there will be a special nurse who assesses this (on every patient), usually called a Continuing Care Nurse. They'll need to know what her plan for discharge is prior to going home, and if she needs more care they'll help arrange it.

 

[JennyMominRI]

Depending on her general health and how she does after surgery, she may be a candidate for short term rehab or home services after discharge from the hospital. You can ask about it during her recovery, there will be a special nurse who assesses this, usually called a Continuing Care Nurse. They'll need to know what her plan for discharge is prior to going home, and if she needs more care they'll help arrange it.

So am I right to assume that they won't just let her go home alone a week after surgery without them wanting some sort of caregiver?

 

[Oreo Cookie]

You have so much to deal with! I really admire your strength through these tough and stressing situations. I don't think I would be able to handle all that you are handling, and with such grace.

Does your mom have any close friends near her that you could ask to help her when she is released from the hospital?

 

[sugarpie]

If she isn't physically capable of taking care of herself after the hospital stay Medicare will pay for a rehab/nursing facility.

Take care of yourself. You can't be everything to everybody.

 

[froglady]

I'm already in contact with a Social worker at this hospital ,who is helping me with ED..Maybe I can contact her.

I forgot to add that if it's a medical necessity (usually a "So, you'll be responsible if anything happens to her if she is discharged with no one to help?" works) Medicare will pay for up to 21 days in a skilled facility. They MIGHT pay for someone to come in, but only for an hour or two.

Since you already have a social worker helping you, it might be easier to ask her about your options re your mother's care.

My heart goes out to you; you are certainly having to endure more than your fair share of problems.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

What to do with your mom?

Considering her age and what you are going thru I consider this priority one to get her into a facility after her surgery. She can always be discharged if she is able to care for herself. However this will probably not be the case.

Also never ever assume anything...you know that by now. And considering everything you have gone thru I am confident you will handle it great.

 

[JennyMominRI]

You have so much to deal with! I really admire your strength through these tough and stressing situations. I don't think I would be able to handle all that you are handling, and with such grace.

Does your mom have any close friends near her that you could ask to help her when she is released from the hospital?

Unfortunately,My mother is very much a loner.. Pretty much all she has are we kids.. My brother is sick with Sarcoidosis... My one sister well,She's been MIA in NYC for the last six months...She won't answer her phone ,letter or anything...My other sister actually sent her a postcard when she was in vegas and on the back wrote, Mom Has Cancer ,and my sister never replied...It's a sad thing..We thing she has chronic depression and refuses help...She was an RN who worked in CCU and could be a lot of help to us right now,but she has completely cut herself off..My other sister is a workaholic who isn't going anywhere near the hospital and would be useless at physcially helping my mother .. The one thing she has done is to talk to my mothers doctors because my mother refuses too
I have a really screwed up family.

 

[JennyMominRI]

What to do with your mom?

Considering her age and what you are going thru I consider this priority one to get her into a facility after her surgery. She can always be discharged if she is able to care for herself. However this will probably not be the case.

Also never ever assume anything...you know that by now. And considering everything you have gone thru I am confident you will handle it great.

The thing I am afraid of is that she will refuse the surgery rather than go to a nursing home... She was refusing the surgery just a couple weeks ago

 

[Pea-n-Me]

So am I right to assume that they won't just let her go home alone a week after surgery without them wanting some sort of caregiver?

It will depend on how she's doing. Some do go home alone, some stay with others for a while, some go to rehab, some have home services. She'll be evaluated by her caregivers during the course of the week. Let your concerns be known.

 

[sugarpie]

The thing I am afraid of is that she will refuse the surgery rather than go to a nursing home... She was refusing the surgery just a couple weeks ago

We had to put my grandmother in a nursing home for rehab after surgery. Nobody had the heart to tell her, so we had the doctor & the social worker explain to her that she needed skilled nursing care & physical therapy & she wouldn't be able to go home. She took it soooo much better than we expected.

 

[agnes!]

Unfortunately,My mother is very much a loner.. Pretty much all she has are we kids.. My brother is sick with Sarcoidosis... My one sister well,She's been MIA in NYC for the last six months...She won't answer her phone ,letter or anything...My other sister actually sent her a postcard when she was in vegas and on the back wrote, Mom Has Cancer ,and my sister never replied...It's a sad thing..We thing she has chronic depression and refuses help...She was an RN who worked in CCU and could be a lot of help to us right now,but she has completely cut herself off..My other sister is a workaholic who isn't going anywhere near the hospital and would be useless at physcially helping my mother .. The one thing she has done is to talk to my mothers doctors because my mother refuses too
I have a really screwed up family.

We all have screwed-up families...you just haven't met all of us yet . Can your workaholic sister help pay for extra care, even if she cannot "do" for Mom, are there other ways she can help out?

Hugs.
agnes!

 

[Oreo Cookie]

Unfortunately,My mother is very much a loner.. Pretty much all she has are we kids.. My brother is sick with Sarcoidosis... My one sister well,She's been MIA in NYC for the last six months...She won't answer her phone ,letter or anything...My other sister actually sent her a postcard when she was in vegas and on the back wrote, Mom Has Cancer ,and my sister never replied...It's a sad thing..We thing she has chronic depression and refuses help...She was an RN who worked in CCU and could be a lot of help to us right now,but she has completely cut herself off..My other sister is a workaholic who isn't going anywhere near the hospital and would be useless at physcially helping my mother .. The one thing she has done is to talk to my mothers doctors because my mother refuses too
I have a really screwed up family.

I'm so sorry

You are in such a tough situation. I don't know if a nursing home/rehab facility is an option, or if insurance will cover a home health aid for your mom. Is there anyone you know that could help you out with your mom? I know she's a loner, but she really doesn't have any options here. You will be taking care of Ed, and you need to take care of yourself and your children too.

As far as families goes, I used to think I had a dysfunctional family, and that everyone else had normal families. I now know that most families are dysfunctional. It's really hard to deal with, but at the same time it's not like we were given a choice.

 

[JennyMominRI]

We all have screwed-up families...you just haven't met all of us yet . Can your workaholic sister help pay for extra care, even if she cannot "do" for Mom, are there other ways she can help out?

Hugs.
agnes!

Yeah,Actually she might be willing to help with that..She wants to help,she's just not good with medical things,and I don't quite know how to say it,but My mother can be difficult sometimes...We don't all have the greatest relationship with her.we all love her,but it's rough..
This is the person who several years ago said to me "You have no idea what It's like to worry about your health all the time".. And another time when I gained some weight from starting anti-HIV meds ,seh said I had better whatch out because Ed would leave me if I got fat..
I know it may sound mean ,but with so much on my plate right now,I don't thin I could deal with my mother here for a week or two..I would If it was the only choice ,but it would be rough.

 

[Disney Doll]

You will need to be very candid with both your mother and the folks at the hospital and tell them you cannot possibly care for her while caring for Ed, who will still be recuperating at that point.

Based on her age, they would probably want her to go to short -term rehab...usually 10-21 days depnding on how the patient does.

If you are in touch with a SW now, speak to her. She can give you some guidance, and may be able to "intercede" for you, whether Mom is at the same hospital where Ed currently is, or a different hospital. Even if Mom goes to a different hospital, most medical folks have "friends" at every faciltiy. Medicine is a small world.