What should I tell DD?

[WeLoveLilo05]

A friend of ours little girl was attacked by a dog (more like mauled!) a few months ago. She had to have major plastic surgery on her face, had to go to therapy, etc. My DD hasn't seen her in months and will be seeing her this week. I don't want DD to point out her scars and ask about them, I don't want DD to put her on the spot and make her feel uncomfortable, as she has been through so much. What should I say to DD? i don't want to say she was attacked by a dog b/c then she'll never go by dogs, I don't want her ask "What happened to your face?" WWYD?

 

[pixiewings71]

How old is your DD? I would tell her what happened and just answer her questions. I feel it's best to be honest with kids so your opinion may vary.

I hope your friends little girl is OK.

 

[*BTMRR*]

As mom of a child with a visible disability...
Just explain beforehand that "Jenny" had an accident a while ago, and that she had an operation to help her get better but there are still some marks on her face where she is healing up. If you or DD have any scars (even little ones), point those out, and talk to her briefly about what scars are. I'd leave it at that, then ask DD what kinds of things she wants to chat about with Jenny--school? favorite toys? summer vacation coming up?
Your daughter may still ask Jenny "what happened to your face." Don't get upset; just provide a matter-of-fact answer and then steer the conversation in another direction.

 

[WeLoveLilo05]

Thanks, DD is only 5 and notices everything and is very curious so if she always asks lots of questions.
Thanks again!

 

[MnMomtoboys]

I would be honest with her too. If she is the type to asks questions I would think she would find out about the dog. If she does just keep reminding her of all the nice dogs she has been around.

I have a son that is a non stop question machine. There have been times in my life I have enter the no question zones to give myself a break. That worked great until he learned how to write.

 

[aprilgail2]

I would tell mine exactly what happened- I never found any reason to lie to her or cover up the truth about things like that....just tell the truth.

 

[Art 1]

If it were mine I would say that so and so was attacked by a dog, had to have some surgery on her face that will make her look a bit different than the last time you saw her. Then I would go on to say that it would be nice to ask her how she is feeling.

 

[paintnolish]

Ds was getting a haircut when he was about 5, and the woman's face was very scarred. I could see the wheels in his mind turning, and was praying he wouldn't say something. Of course, he very bluntly said, "Hey, what happened to your face?" but not in a rude way, just with curiosity. I chastised him, but the lady could not have been nicer- he's just a kid. He wanted to know. She very frankly told him she was in an accident, didn't have her seatbelt on, and her face got a lot of cuts. She had a lot of surgeries, but it was along time ago and she's fine now.
Moral of the story? Your daughter might still say something. Be prepared. otherwise, tell her, very frankly (without extra details) what happened. GL!

 

[EllenFrasier]

I don't see the harm in telling her the truth about the dog attack as long as it was not their family pet or something! I agree that you should explain that she might look a little different because she had some cuts on her face and they are not healed all the way yet. If you don't tell her about the dog, don't you think the other child will? I don't think it will make her afraid of dogs - in a way, she should have some fear of dogs she does not know so she will not approach them without permission.

 

[golfgal]

I would say "Suzy got bit by a dog and got hurt pretty badly. She will look different because she has some cuts and sores from the dog bite".

 

[The Mystery Machine]

A friend of ours little girl was attacked by a dog (more like mauled!) a few months ago. She had to have major plastic surgery on her face, had to go to therapy, etc. My DD hasn't seen her in months and will be seeing her this week. I don't want DD to point out her scars and ask about them, I don't want DD to put her on the spot and make her feel uncomfortable, as she has been through so much. What should I say to DD? i don't want to say she was attacked by a dog b/c then she'll never go by dogs, I don't want her ask "What happened to your face?" WWYD?

You cannot control her reaction so don't even try and manipulate that.

I would just talk to her on her level and say quite frankly that friend was bitten by a dog and she got hurt. The doctors are fixing her. You are going to see "hurts", "boos-boos" or whatever expression you use on her face.

Keep it simple.

 

[Bunnyfeather]

My DD is very sensitive, so any time we bring up a new worrisome concept for her we try to frame it in a way that won't lend itself to a new global fear of dogs or fire or whatever. She is 4, so one thing that works really well is to frame things as a simple problem she can solve. That makes her feel more in control. I would have 3 concerns for this conversation-I don't want my DD to fear her dogs or other dogs we meet (but always take an opportunity to reinforce our dog safety lessons), I don't want my DD to be afraid of her friend's wounds, and I don't want my DD to hurt her friend's feelings.

So for this I might say "Do you think our dogs would ever hurt someone or bite? (no) That's right, we have to be really nice to our pets and train them and raise them carefully, so that they will not bite. Doggies who have been hit or been treated meanly a long time sometimes DO bite. That's why we always remember to ask the owner before we approach a strange dog, to make sure it is a friendly dog. A dog who was not friendly bit your friend Sally right on her face. When you see her, you will see some marks where the dog bit her. She might feel bad about those marks on her face. Can you think of ways we can help her feel better when we see her?"

 

[Magpie]

As a mother of a daughter with a "facial difference", I'll back up everyone else who says be honest with her. But don't make too big a deal about it, either. "She's got some boo-boos because a mean dog bit her on her face, but it's okay because she's getting better."

My daughter's had surgeries, but even before that her birthmark was striking enough that I'd hear gasps around us when I took her out into public.

Honestly, I much preferred the people who would just come up and ask. I hated it when people stared and then looked away quickly before I could catch their eye.

I taught my daughter to say, "This is my birthmark. I was born this way," as soon as she could speak. Because every time we went to the playground she was surrounded by other small children who wanted to know why she was different. Their parents would get embarrassed, but that was THEIR problem. Their children weren't embarrassed or offended, and neither was I or my daughter. One or two questions, and then everyone would run off to play.

Explain what happened to your daughter, but please don't forbid her from asking questions. Honest curiosity and empathy is always welcome. What you don't want to do is send the message to her that your friend's injuries are something so shameful and awful we mustn't even speak about them.

The few times a small child pointed at my daughter and exclaimed, "Yuck!" in a loud, hostile voice - that was always the child who had parents who hustled her away and shushed her, instead of just being open about differences and encouraging her to get to know my daughter.

 

[daisy2jae]

How old is your DD? I would tell her what happened and just answer her questions. I feel it's best to be honest with kids so your opinion may vary.

I hope your friends little girl is OK.

I'd also be honest with her.

 

[Magpie]

My DD is very sensitive, so any time we bring up a new worrisome concept for her we try to frame it in a way that won't lend itself to a new global fear of dogs or fire or whatever. She is 4, so one thing that works really well is to frame things as a simple problem she can solve. That makes her feel more in control. I would have 3 concerns for this conversation-I don't want my DD to fear her dogs or other dogs we meet (but always take an opportunity to reinforce our dog safety lessons), I don't want my DD to be afraid of her friend's wounds, and I don't want my DD to hurt her friend's feelings.

So for this I might say "Do you think our dogs would ever hurt someone or bite? (no) That's right, we have to be really nice to our pets and train them and raise them carefully, so that they will not bite. Doggies who have been hit or been treated meanly a long time sometimes DO bite. That's why we always remember to ask the owner before we approach a strange dog, to make sure it is a friendly dog. A dog who was not friendly bit your friend Sally right on her face. When you see her, you will see some marks where the dog bit her. She might feel bad about those marks on her face. Can you think of ways we can help her feel better when we see her?"

I like almost all of this very much - except, I wouldn't suggest that Sally might feel bad about the marks on her face. You don't know how Sally feels and you don't want your child to assume that Sally should feel bad about marks on her face.

Making Sally a little card to say, "Sorry you got bit," might be a nice idea.

But there's no reason to make Sally's injuries the sole focus of your visit. You might want to mention that your daughter and Sally can still play just the same as before.

 

[LMC]

I think at age 5 your DD (I saw her age in your siggy) can understand something like the girl was hurt and she has lots of boo boos on her face but it makes her sad to talk about it. So we don't need to say anything to X about it but if you have questions we can talk to her mom/dad about it. I am sure your DD will have questions so maybe one of the parents would be open to talk to her about it. At age 5 though it may be inevitable for her to slip and say something directly to the other girl. I am sure the girl will probably have more surgeries to correct some scarring so you can explain that to your DD too so she will understand that the little girl will not always look the way she does right now.

 

[WeLoveLilo05]

DD is afraid of any dog that is bigger than her. She loves my mom's beagle, but screams in fear when around my brother's Rot and bull dog. And honestly, since this happened we haven't been around my brother's Rot that much, I am fearful b/c that dog is HUGE! Honestly though its a pussycat, but you just never know, I don't trust any dog with my child. Seriously, we have been around the dog for the major holidays and if the dog goes to lick her foot (b/c I carry her) she cries. Thats why I don't want to bring up the dog biting her.

The girl who was bit doesn't bring it up so I don't think she would be the 1 to bring it up to DD.

 

[lovesmurfs]

You can do an object lesson with her -- have her think about Easter eggs. Even though the outside of the egg changes, the inside is still the same. Just because her friend looks different, she's still the same inside.

Best wishes, and let us know how it goes.

 

[Rora]

As mom of a child with a visible disability...
Just explain beforehand that "Jenny" had an accident a while ago, and that she had an operation to help her get better but there are still some marks on her face where she is healing up. If you or DD have any scars (even little ones), point those out, and talk to her briefly about what scars are. I'd leave it at that, then ask DD what kinds of things she wants to chat about with Jenny--school? favorite toys? summer vacation coming up?
Your daughter may still ask Jenny "what happened to your face." Don't get upset; just provide a matter-of-fact answer and then steer the conversation in another direction.

Great advice, IMO.