What happens when a person dies

[hereyago]

Apples to oranges.

Deciding to attend a funeral has nothing to do with the funeral itself and how it is put together.

Hopefully the family follows the deceased's wishes. Relatives and friends can then decide on their own whether they will attend the funeral the deceased wished for.

Of course, if the deceased wished for an expensive funeral, they should make sure they leave enough funds. If there are not enough funds, the family should get as close as possible.

If someone wants to do something to assuage their own grief, fine, but do it on their own. As for me, don't involve my body. I can't stop anyone from having their own service or get together, but I can make sure my body is not involved. I am really liking the idea of donating my body to science. Since our whole family are scientists, I think my immediate family would be on board. I can do a last bit of good. Need to go explore that avenue further.

Both of my parents had pre arranged to donate their bodies to science.
However, I do want to add and suggest to when looking into donating if there are any things that may disqualify the body and then you have to have a back up, cremation, body farm etc

 

[luvsJack]

On the taking pictures at funerals—my step grandmother died when I was maybe 10. And there were pictures made of her in the casket. And a great uncle died shortly after and there were pictures of him. My grandmother died when I was an infant and Mom had a picture of her in the casket. I have not seen it done since those. I am guessing it was something that was done 40-50 years ago for some reason. Never really knew why.

 

[tazdev3225]

Ugh. I would hate that.

I wonder why the family didn't ask someone to tell the guy to put the camera away.

I wonder why someone didn’t ask him to leave?

I think the family was shell shocked if you know what I mean. I thought our priest should have said something and he refused to get involved. Thankfully it was at least a closed casket as the deceased had been in the hospital for over a month and wasn't in great shape physically and I think they wanted to spare her daughter that as a last memory.

 

[lifesavacation]

In every culture, country, religion and society, there a specific rituals and customs which happen when a person dies. These customs and rituals are mainly for the living, the people who have lost a loved one. They help family and friends deal with the death of a person and are a symbolic way of honouring the dead person. In a time of shock and grief, the familiar customs and rituals give the family a purpose and something to do.

So imagine a scenario when a person has made arrangements and put procedures in place for when they die that are not the norm for their culture and religion. This person does not want the funeral customs their family has grown up with.

Would you be hurt that a family member is deciding how you should grieve for them? Would you ignore their wishes and when they die, still do the specific rituals and customs which are normal to you? Or would you honor their wishes and put your own mental health at risk due to not being able to process death as you always do?

Its one thing to prepare financially for death and funeral costs, but is it right to tell your family you dont want the funeral customs of your religion / culture / society?

We just attended a funeral for someone who absolutely did not want a funeral. Her husband had one anyway. I felt very guilty that I attended. I would absolutely honor the last wishes of my loved one even if I felt like I needed a service to say my final goodbyes.

 

[Colleen27]

Would you really go against someone’s final wishes? That seems so disrespectful, like they didn’t know what was best for them. I get that you need to grieve in your own way, but not against the deceased. At least, that’s my thoughts.

I would absolutely not go against someone's wishes for how they wanted their own body laid to rest (or donated, or whatever). But to me, the second part of the request the OP mentioned - that people not get together to remember or grieve - goes beyond the reasonable duty of following the deceased's wishes.
Coming together as a family can be a very important part of the coping process when a loved one has died, and I don't think the living should deny themselves that at the deceased's request. It is one thing to specify how you want your own remains dealt with and quite another to try to specify how those left behind grieve.

 

[lovin'fl]

I am late ti this thread but I would honor my loved ones wishes. That would help me cope too...to know that I meeting my loved ones wishes and that they would be pleased. My mom wants to be cremated and her ashes spread in the Caribbean somewhere. She doesnt want a bunch of viewings, a funeral and to be buried with me dad. Doesnt want it. Will be different than what is traditional for our family but I will do as she wishes and that will help me. To focus on and do what would make her happy.

 

[Mackenzie Click-Mickelson]

Coming together as a family can be a very important part of the coping process when a loved one has died, and I don't think the living should deny themselves that at the deceased's request. It is one thing to specify how you want your own remains dealt with and quite another to try to specify how those left behind grieve.

Generally speaking though most requests I've heard of are related to the funeral/viewing/ etc meaning immediately after not really dictating how a person grieves (which is quite personal and varies from person to person).

Not wanting a big 'ole affair doesn't mean people can't still get together and grieve for a person. It may be just a very informal get together with people who truly want it vs an orchestrated affair. Some people feel strongly about not wanting a big ruckus, for example, made over them. That IMO doesn't prohibit people from grieving.

 

[L&Lfan]

I’m

I think the family was shell shocked if you know what I mean. I thought our priest should have said something and he refused to get involved. Thankfully it was at least a closed casket as the deceased had been in the hospital for over a month and wasn't in great shape physically and I think they wanted to spare her daughter that as a last memory.

If not the priest/minister you would at least have thought the funeral home directors would have stepped in...

 

[NAB]

Well I’m one that did not do what my husband wanted. We were young, he was 28 . I never knew anyone cremated and that is what he said off cuff one time. His mother goes to Florida in the winter his sister went down to get her. I knew she needed this and so did I . So we did a viewing.

Did I feel bad about it yes at times but I am not a mental case over it. Heck I don’t even go to the cemetery for anyone. They are not there. It was my closure and I believe his family’s too. We didn’t live close to them so I think they need to see him as well.

I’m in my 50’s now I might have done his wishes now who knows. I keep asking my now husband he won’t talk about it at all, he doesn’t care.

 

[ronandannette]

On the taking pictures at funerals—my step grandmother died when I was maybe 10. And there were pictures made of her in the casket. And a great uncle died shortly after and there were pictures of him. My grandmother died when I was an infant and Mom had a picture of her in the casket. I have not seen it done since those. I am guessing it was something that was done 40-50 years ago for some reason. Never really knew why.

Google "memento mori photographs". It was a Victorian-era custom that seems sooooo creepy and crazy, but the reason they did it actually makes pretty good sense. If you're the type for morbid fascination, look at some of the pictures and try to guess which subjects are dead and which are alive. It's surprisingly hard to tell.

We just attended a funeral for someone who absolutely did not want a funeral. Her husband had one anyway. I felt very guilty that I attended. I would absolutely honor the last wishes of my loved one even if I felt like I needed a service to say my final goodbyes.

Why did you attend?

 

[Colleen27]

Generally speaking though most requests I've heard of are related to the funeral/viewing/ etc meaning immediately after not really dictating how a person grieves (which is quite personal and varies from person to person).

Not wanting a big 'ole affair doesn't mean people can't still get together and grieve for a person. It may be just a very informal get together with people who truly want it vs an orchestrated affair. Some people feel strongly about not wanting a big ruckus, for example, made over them. That IMO doesn't prohibit people from grieving.

I can understand not wanting a big affair. But the way the OP described this particular request does sound, to me, like it gets into the territory of telling people how to grieve:

What this person I am talking about has arranged, is that their body be taken by a funeral director at the appropriate time and taken direct to a burial plot and buried immediately without any viewing or church service. They have also specified no meal or family get together. Just for clarification, this person is not estranged from family and is very close to their children, grandchildren and extended family and regular funeral expenses are not an issue.

The bolded is the only part of these instructions that I'd be likely to disregard, not out of any lack of respect for the deceased but because that family get together with the kids and grandkids is valuable for helping the family process their loss. We lost my FIL a few months ago and getting the grandkids together was a big part of helping them process with their loss, especially for the youngest two (10 & 12) because they relate to one another in a way that they don't easily communicate with us older folks.

 

[luvsJack]

Google "memento mori photographs". It was a Victorian-era custom that seems sooooo creepy and crazy, but the reason they did it actually makes pretty good sense. If you're the type for morbid fascination, look at some of the pictures and try to guess which subjects are dead and which are alive. It's surprisingly hard to tell.

Why did you attend?

Yeah I have seen those before. And it does seem creepy. Especially when it’s children.

 

[lifesavacation]

Google "memento mori photographs". It was a Victorian-era custom that seems sooooo creepy and crazy, but the reason they did it actually makes pretty good sense. If you're the type for morbid fascination, look at some of the pictures and try to guess which subjects are dead and which are alive. It's surprisingly hard to tell.

Why did you attend?

Not going would cause family drama.

 

[Ladyandthepuppies]

These two things are in conflict with each other...

How so? She didn’t care what we did with her body after she died but rationally, of course she knew something would be done with it. She expected that we would cremate her because it was cheaper. We buried her instead because it was what gave her mother greater comfort. She would not have cared, she used to say “when I’m gone I’ll be gone” but @Cannot_Wait_4Disney phrased it this way:

When I die and my soul gone, what is left is an empty husk. Those left behind may dispose of it as they see fit.

And I would suggest to the OP that with this mindset, the important thing is to focus on supporting the living and doing what it takes to process grief and move on.

 

[John VN]

All depends on WHO IS PAYING FOR THINGS!!!! p.s.-I am a cheapo kind of guy.

If arrangements were made and paid for by the deceased, as long as things aren't weird then "what the hey."

We just attended a funeral for someone who absolutely did not want a funeral. Her husband had one anyway. I felt very guilty that I attended. I would absolutely honor the last wishes of my loved one even if I felt like I needed a service to say my final goodbyes.

My bolding of 4 words is what I believe governs many choices and decisions made.

 

[mjkacmom]

I would combine the two and try to follow their wishes while also allowing people to mourn. If they have asked for no visitation,, I'd honor that - letting only spouse, siblings, and children view the body privately if needed. I think respecting their wishes for their body is the most important. If family wants to gather later, do it without their body present.


Public viewings just aren't something I'm familiar with. I thought that was something from the past until I came on the DIS. The idea of anyone but my nearest and dearest seeing my body after I'm dead makes me cringe. I went to one open casket funeral as a little girl. I've only been to two other funerals where the casket was present. Most that I've been to are private burials followed by public memorials.

Really? I’ve been to dozens of open casket wakes, including my parents. I’ve only heard of a couple non traditional situations where they didn’t have a viewing and funeral, but instead a private service and a memorial celebration a few weeks later.

 

[ronandannette]

In every culture, country, religion and society, there a specific rituals and customs which happen when a person dies. These customs and rituals are mainly for the living, the people who have lost a loved one. They help family and friends deal with the death of a person and are a symbolic way of honouring the dead person. In a time of shock and grief, the familiar customs and rituals give the family a purpose and something to do.

So imagine a scenario when a person has made arrangements and put procedures in place for when they die that are not the norm for their culture and religion. This person does not want the funeral customs their family has grown up with.

Would you be hurt that a family member is deciding how you should grieve for them? Would you ignore their wishes and when they die, still do the specific rituals and customs which are normal to you? Or would you honor their wishes and put your own mental health at risk due to not being able to process death as you always do?

Its one thing to prepare financially for death and funeral costs, but is it right to tell your family you dont want the funeral customs of your religion / culture / society?

I've been thinking a lot about this since you opened the discussion. Granted, it's kind of "my thing" - I interned to be a funeral director and had every intention of making it my career and over the course of my education learned a quite a bit.

I find it interesting that this entire discussion is totally a First-World issue. In Asia, Africa, the Middle East, South America and parts of Eastern Europe, funerary rites simply are what they are. People don't sit around deciding in advance how they prefer to be dispatched. Whether the process is determined by religion or culture, if it is physically possible to carry them out, the traditional practices prevail. For example, if you are an Indian Hindu, you're going on a public pyre and getting dumped in the Ganges - no questions asked. To do otherwise would be a shocking lapse on the part of the family.

I guess it's just another thing where our freedom and affluence allows us choices others don't have and another thing to be grateful for.

 

[Searc]

Really? I’ve been to dozens of open casket wakes, including my parents. I’ve only heard of a couple non traditional situations where they didn’t have a viewing and funeral, but instead a private service and a memorial celebration a few weeks later.

I have told my DH more than once I do NOT want my dead body to be gawked at by anyone. And because of this thread, I reminded him again yesterday. He said he knows and out of love and respect for me, there won't be one at my wake or funeral.

 

[luvsJack]

Just food for thought for those not wanting their body to be viewed:

For many years I hated the tradition of a wake and an open casket. I would avoid it at all costs. Until my Dad’s funeral. He died suddenly and while I saw him in the hospital, I was hysterical and it didn’t really connect to me. At the wake, I was able to tell him good bye. Now, I still talk to him from time to time but seeing him that last time, helped me just a little.

I know that many don’t have wakes/visitations in their traditions. And perhaps there is something else the family does in lieu of that. But if the choice is nothing, just think about the loved ones you leave. What would make their grief just a tad bit easier?

 

[Mackenzie Click-Mickelson]

How so? She didn’t care what we did with her body after she died but rationally, of course she knew something would be done with it. She expected that we would cremate her because it was cheaper. We buried her instead because it was what gave her mother greater comfort. She would not have cared, she used to say “when I’m gone I’ll be gone” but

Your first comment was that she expected to be cremated which was along with her not caring what happens. That is in conflict of each other.

You've since clarified that it was she didn't care but thought cremation was what you would do. That clears it up.