What do you wish your parents did differently (in your childhood)

[elainesj]

Looking back on your childhood, what do you wish your parents did differently? What do you hope to do differently as you raise your own children? Do you have any current regrets over the way you have been raising your kids?

Recently, my mother sent an email to my brother and I apologizing for the way she raised us. She felt that she had been so focused on making sure we had the right moral upbringing that she didn't spend much time having fun with us. Apparently my brother had complained about it to her when he was younger (not a conversation I had ever been aware of). He acknowledged her apology saying it did matter to him and they both feel that it was a major reason for their somewhat acrimonious relationship, particularly from his young adult years to now.

My memories of our childhood is so different (since I remember plenty of fun times and I am thoroughly content with how she raised us and have always had a close relationship with her) that it really hit home to me how individual each child is and one child's perception is not going to be the same as another's.

I plan to be so much more careful with my own children, particularly my son since I think that is likely to be more challenging for me.

For my Dad....yes, he spent time with us, but it was really never enough. I didn't feel deprived growing up but the reality is he really never made us kids a major priority and even to this day, neither my brother nor I are particularly close to him. He'll always be our Dad but I think he really missed the ball on that one and I have always emphasized to my own husband how impt it is that he is an involved father (and thank goodness he is - he's a great dad!). It's rather sad, but my Dad really never found a way to enjoy being with us. I have a strong suspicion that the times he spent with us was mostly obligatory and I rather doubt that he enjoyed/looked forward to those times. It's the same with his interactions with my kids. He only sees them about every 2 years or so and will take us out for dinner about twice during my 3 week trip home. He spoils them to death - but I don't think he knows what to do with kids (other than buying them more candy).

For my own self as a Mom, I've been putting a lot of effort and time this year in spending time with my kids and really giving them my attention. A couple of years back, my daughter started complaining I didn't spend enough time with her. I felt I did, but she didn't. (I had started working, etc so I wasn't as available). Then finally I stopped being defensive and realised that for a child, perception is equally as important as reality. We spent a LOT of vacation time together this year as a family and it made a big difference for us and when I ask both my kids now if I spend enough time with them, they both say yes.

Learning from my Dad, I've found that I need to involve my kids in things I enjoy doing as well...that way we're ALL having fun together. I'm just not that self-sacrificing to have tremendous amount of "fun" doing things that are ONLY fun for my kids, kwim? That said, I get tremendous joy seeing them smile....so it pretty much works out for us!

Oh boy, this got long. Anyway, please share your own experiences. I was shocked to hear of my mother and brother's perspectives (especially since I still think of her as a "perfect" Mom)....and I'm really hoping to learn from everyone else's stories.

 

[Planogirl]

I hate to look back much since you can't change things but the part about having fun with the kids caught my eye. My parents didn't really have much fun period and certainly not often as a family. I've tried to have a blast with DS and I think that we have. It's possible to enjoy being together while at the same time being good parent.

 

[harleyquinn]

I wish they wouldn't have resorted to spanking. It made me fear my father, and it completely screwed up my brother. They also tried to discipline us exactly the same way, and while simple things worked for me, they set my brother back.

I'm definitely not one of those people who says "I survived being spanked, and my kids will too!"

ETA***This is just me and my situation, I am not condemning all spanking in every situation everywhere.

 

[minniebeth]

elainesj, that's a big question, thank you for sharing your personal experiences.
It's amazing how our parents' upbringing truly does affect how we parent.
I always believe our parents did/do the best they can that they know how to at the time. As a parent now, I understand that, which makes it easier to look at experiences differently as an adult than I did as a child.

I could write a ton, but the thing that stands out most in my mind right now, because I'm in the middle of it with my own son, is with applying to colleges. My mom was a single parent and could not afford to send me to an expensive private college. Yet she allowed me to visit (with her) and encouraged me to apply to some schools I really wanted to attend. I did get into two of the schools and then she turned around and told me I couldn't go there because we couldn't afford it. I was crushed. I wish she had given me a realistic guideline before I had my heart set on certain schools, as the finance aspect of the application process was not really in my mind at the time.
So with my own kids, the college application process is and will be a team effort with looking at good fit schools for our kids and for us financially.

God love my mom, it's just been a year since she passed away and I miss her so much!

 

[HM]

I wish they'd given me a better idea of what kinds of jobs and careers are out there in the world. As a girl, I only saw what was on tv or what other women did....which wasn't much back in the 60s. I wish they'd made me stick to piano after that first year. Other than that, I think they did an awesome job of raising us and giving us opportunities.

 

[ZephyrHawk]

Honestly? I could have done without the verbal/emotional/physical abuse from my dad. And I don't mean spanking. I have no problem with spanking. I wouldn't say I "survived" being spanked, as I never thought much about my rare childhood spankings one way or the other. I might say I survived being held to the floor and beaten for daring to intercede when my dad was hurting my mom, but I don't think about that much either. Mind you, my father was only rarely physcially abusive to my mother and me, but the put-downs and the angry ranting were pretty constant. Still are, really. Regardless, I think the point is I'd like to avoid recreating that situation with my future kids. Check on the no abuse/staying with an abusive husband.

Other than that glaring issue, I've always said the only thing I'd do differently than my parents is that I'll make sure my kids wear helmets when they go bike-riding. Helmets just weren't a thing when I was little.

 

[Luv Bunnies]

I truly believe my parents did their best in raising my sister, brother and me. They started out with very little, and worked hard to build a very good life and future for us. We spent time together, went on some fun vacations, and spent a lot of time visiting our grandmas and extended families. We were always supported in anything we wanted to try. I took lessons to learn four different instruments before I decided the piano was my thing. I wasn't forced to learn just one and stick with it even if I was miserable. I'm lucky to still have my parents living nearby. My dad is always willing to pick up a grandkid at school if I have to work or have an appointment.

A few years ago, my mom said something like, "I think I was a good mother, but I wasn't as good as you." When I questioned her further, she said she wished she hadn't been so focused on working and making money. She wished she had slowed down a little and enjoyed us more while we were young. I told her I thought she was a great mother and not to compare herself to anyone.

One thing that I will say about myself - I work 25 hours a week, but I am home in the afternoons and evenings with my boys. I wouldn't have it any other way. I love spending time with them. They know they can tell me about anything, or ask for my help with anything. I don't have any regrets about how much time I spend with them (they're now 16 and 13). When I look back, I will feel confident that I was always there for them.

 

[MIGrandma]

I truly did have a great childhood, but there are a couple things I wish my Dad could/would have done differently.

He worked second shift from the time I was in 4th grade on up. It was an hour drive to where he worked, so he always left home before 2:00, so he was gone by the time I got home from school and he was sleeping when I left to go to school in the mornings. So I didn't see him at all until the weekend. Saturday was always "his day" for watching sports, and Sunday was "family day" so Sunday was pretty much the only day I got to do anything with him and I really wish he could have spent more time with me while I was growing up.

Also, he always said when I was a senior in high school he would take a night off to come to a football game, as I was in the band and we performed pre-game and half-time shows. He was a big football fan (played in high school and got a college scholarship for it which he turned down to join the Navy) so I really wished he would have come to some of the games. My senior year I was on the co-op work program, so wasn't in band, so he never got to see me on the football field. Mom didn't come either, she hated football, but she did come to all of my band concerts and any plays I was in, etc.

But those are really the only things I can think of, and compared to what some kids go through with their families my gripes pale in comparison.

As far as doing things differently with my own children, I was a SAHM until they were both in school then I did work part-time but was still able to spend a lot of time with them. And we always, always, always went to every sporting event and things like that, to show our support of them. I hated football, but was in the bleachers for every single one of my son's games to cheer him and his team on. I feel bad for kids who have parents that never come to any of their games, etc. My former boss was that way, her son wrestled in high school but she never took the time to go to a single one of his matches and I thought that was so sad. We even go to a lot of games and stuff for our grandchildren and they seem to appreciate our taking time to come watch them.

 

[dngnb8]

I dont think I can think of anything. I had a great childhood. Its the adulthood that has sucked LOL

 

[Pigeon]

I wish they hadn't had so many kids.

I wish they hadn't tried so hard to cram their religion down our throats. All that accomplished was hostility.

 

[jeepgirl30]

As a parent i know my parents did what they felt was best with the knowledge they had at the time. I truly believe my parents loved us and would rewind time if they could. Something I'm sure I'll wish one day as well. We all make mistakes and there are no instruction manuals!

A few things do stand out. My mom used to introduce my sister as her "beautiful daughter" and me as her "smart daughter". Never changed it up. My sis was dyslexic so it really hurt her and reinforced the idea she was dumb. At the time dyslexia was not something people knew about so she was in a lot of the remedial classes. school was easy for me so my parents never really encouraged me to try harder as i was an A/B student without much work.

My sister wanted horses so they moved to the country and bought horses. i was in competitions since i can remember, around 2 i got my first pony. I was forced to compete weekly. i had no interest. i wanted to do gymnastics and cheerleading. My senior year my dad made a deal with me, for every weekend i would show i didn't have to go to school that friday. Who does that?!!! What message does that send?!

They went to every single horse show/event but never once came to see me cheer. if it ever conflicted i had to show instead.

looking back i wish i would have been a little more interested and tried a bit with the horses but it was natural and i won a ton but at 18 told them i would never get on another horse again. And i have not. i had offers to ride on circuit teams and even train for a jockey but turned it all down.

the other thing with my mom, she would never allow discussion. Any opinions were looked at as us sassing her. She'd ask a question and if i answered any way other than what she wanted she'd slap me across the face for sassing her. never really hard but still. Even now if i try to give my opinion she gets very mad and says i'm fighting with her.

But again, i never doubted my parents love. I know i'll make mistakes too i just hope my kids will always know i did what i hoped was right and with their best interest in mind.

 

[QVCshopper]

Well, since you asked, I wish they did many things differently. I wished my dad didn't abuse me verbally and physically so much... It was far beyond spanking. I wish he didn't use me as a little workhorse... How many ten year old girls helped build an addition on their house or had entire woodstacks fall down on them? I wish they had heat and ac. I wish my mom didn't have a mental breakdown. I wish my dad wasn't out of work for years on end. Above all, I wish they didn't join their crazy church (often called a cult now). Oh, and I wish they didn't fight about money all the time.

It wasn't a good childhood. It was pretty awful. I honestly feel like I lived a whole other bad life, and now can carry on with my happy one. My hubby and I never fight about money, we paid off our house, we try to keep our kids happy and treat them like kids. I wish I was one of my kids. Oh well, probably too deep for what you're wondering, but that's what I'd change.

 

[Robinrs]

Not a thing.

Both my parents have passed away. I lived knowing them enough by the time they died (I was 46) I saw what they did and how it affected so many lives. They lives and what they accomplished was shown in the respect they got from everyone who knew them and were affected by them.

If this question were asked when I was a teenager, in my 20s or 30s I guess the answer would've been different.

But now, all I want to do is BE like them. It's my goal. Nothing is more perfect than a role model that did what it took to leave a legacy like they did.

God bless my Mom and Dad. They weren't rich, perfect or highly educated, but they were the best parents a kid could possibly have.

 

[elainesj]

I wish they wouldn't have resorted to spanking. It made me fear my father, and it completely screwed up my brother. They also tried to discipline us exactly the same way, and while simple things worked for me, they set my brother back.

I'm definitely not one of those people who says "I survived being spanked, and my kids will too!"

Your comment about discplining kids the same way struck a chord with me. It's true, kids are completely individual and different things work with different kids. Just because one technique works with one child doesn't mean it will work on the sibling. My daughter only needs gentle discipline. Anything harder is just harsh and completely unneccessary and makes her resentful. My son...well he needs more of a strong hand and I'm too much of a softie with him so thank goodness DH handles him well.

I did spank, but rarely and for us, that worked.

 

[tazdev3225]

This is an interesting question. I was raised in the "spare the rod spoil the child" era. My mom definitely believed this and still does. My dad worked 3 jobs so he wasn't always around but did try to do things with my brothers and me when he could. Picnics in the park, an occasional trip to the shore but what he loved to do was recite a poem he always liked; really loud and with actions. I believe it was by Tennyson. He also taught us the resistance code since he was an electrician. Mom loved Frost and Dickens and read that to us quite often. What I thought was pure torture as a child brings back fond memories now.

My kids are all adults now but I think I was a good mom. They tell me I was anyway. I didn't spank them but they were punished. We took trips as a family every summer, something I had, longed for as a child. My children can say they have stepped foot in every state on the East coast anyway.

All parents make mistakes with their children. I did the best I could as my parents did before me. Parenting is the hardest job one can ever have with no instructions or formal training. What works for one child won't work for the next. You just do the best you can and hope it works.

 

[scbelleatheart]

As a parent i know my parents did what they felt was best with the knowledge they had at the time. I truly believe my parents loved us and would rewind time if they could. Something I'm sure I'll wish one day as well. We all make mistakes and there are no instruction manuals!

A few things do stand out. My mom used to introduce my sister as her "beautiful daughter" and me as her "smart daughter". Never changed it up. My sis was dyslexic so it really hurt her and reinforced the idea she was dumb. At the time dyslexia was not something people knew about so she was in a lot of the remedial classes. school was easy for me so my parents never really encouraged me to try harder as i was an A/B student without much work.

My sister wanted horses so they moved to the country and bought horses. i was in competitions since i can remember, around 2 i got my first pony. I was forced to compete weekly. i had no interest. i wanted to do gymnastics and cheerleading. My senior year my dad made a deal with me, for every weekend i would show i didn't have to go to school that friday. Who does that?!!! What message does that send?!

They went to every single horse show/event but never once came to see me cheer. if it ever conflicted i had to show instead.

looking back i wish i would have been a little more interested and tried a bit with the horses but it was natural and i won a ton but at 18 told them i would never get on another horse again. And i have not. i had offers to ride on circuit teams and even train for a jockey but turned it all down.

the other thing with my mom, she would never allow discussion. Any opinions were looked at as us sassing her. She'd ask a question and if i answered any way other than what she wanted she'd slap me across the face for sassing her. never really hard but still. Even now if i try to give my opinion she gets very mad and says i'm fighting with her.

But again, i never doubted my parents love. I know i'll make mistakes too i just hope my kids will always know i did what i hoped was right and with their best interest in mind.

I had to look closely at the picture in your post to make sure it wasn't my neice! You almost described my sister to a T and she lives in Pittsburgh!

 

[Magic Mom]

There are a lot of things both parents did that were harmful to my brother and I. They were so wrapped up in their own divorce drama they pretty much ignored me.

But I TRY really hard to let that go. They did their best and are supportive now. My brother on the other hand, has not let it go and has become more bitter about it over the years. His relationship with our father is barely existent. It makes me sad for both of them.

I hope one day my kids will look back and say "Everything was perfect." But I have my failings. I can only work like crazy everyday to do my best and hope that the good outweighs the bad and they know how much I love them.

 

[Eeyore98]

Well, obviously, I could have done without the physical and verbal abuse. I also wish it hadn't been made abundantly clear to my sister and I that a boy was all they really wanted, and so they stopped having kids after they got our little brother. And treated him accordingly all his life.

Other than that, most of the things I wish they would've done differently, they just didn't have the knowledge to know any better. Like:

- I wish they had gotten past their introversion enough to see that although I was smart and got good grades, I was completely failing to develop social skills. I wish they would have helped me or gotten me help for that.

- I wish I'd been given a more realistic picture of the benefits of college and the dangers of student loans. They both went to specialized non-degree post-secondary schools (RN and mechanic), and really had no clue about general 4-year colleges. My mother touted college as some sort of magic anti-poverty bullet, regardless of the major, regardless of the cost. So I went to the best school I could get into (a wannabe Ivy) and took out way too much in loans to pay for it, because they couldn't help me pay. I chose an idiotic major that is useless in the job market. After years of working retail, I am now in community college working toward a medical career that actually pays a decent salary, and only requires a 2-yr degree.

 

[AlwaysMoving]

You are not fooling a waitress by telling her your 14 year old daughter, with the face of an 11 year old and body of a 16 year old, is young enough for the kid's menu. If you are too cheap to pay for an adult meal for her, then leave her at home and spare her the embarassment. It is not necessary to eat the food leftover on your children's plates just because you paid for the food and don't want to be wasteful. Save them the embarassment and save yourself from hospital bill, and scar on your chest and leg later in life.

 

[princesspiglet]

I had a pretty good childhood, but that is all in part to my mom. She was wonderful. Had me at 19 and worked her *** off to support me and my brother and was/is an all around awesome, supportive mom. My dad, on the other hand....I was told daily how I ruined his life and how he never wanted me. He loved my brother because he was a boy, but I was pretty much worthless to him. We had a terrible relationship all through childhood and I believe my problems in high school were all related to him. Sleeping around, drugs, alcohol, etc.

The nicest thing he ever said to me was on my wedding day. He said, "you did good". yea, no thanks to you!

I have to say, he is now a wonderful grandfather to my daughter. He absolutely adores her and treats her like a queen. It's very bittersweet for me. I am glad he finally grew up and understands the joy a child can bring and sad because I wish I would have had that love when I was young.

That is the only thing I would change, I wish my dad would have actually loved me.