What do I say? My stepdad has cancer :( - Post 35update

[raysnkaysmom]

For the past 2 months, my stepdad has dropped 60lbs because he can't eat. He's starving, but everytime he tried to eat, the food would stop in his throat, choking him because he couldn't swallow! So, he's been living off liquids, pudding and icecream...
He went to t he dr (finally) on Thursday, and they did the barrium swallow, gi stuff...they said it WASNT' cancer, but to come in Friday because obviously something is going on... they did something where they put him out and took a tube down his throat, all the way to his groin. It is cancer
They say there is a mass in his esophogus (help me out here, is it throat cancer or what?).. They don't think they can do anything. He had some CTs and will have all the information on Tuesday, and they will see if it has spread and if he's strong enough for chemo and radiation. He is 68.
My mom and stepdad live across the US, but I talk to my mom at least 3-4x a week, and, now, it's like, I'm scared to call because I don't know what to say ~ My mom and stepdad have been together for over 20 yrs, but divorced years back due to medical coverage issues... now they haven't remarried because of loss of coverage (weird California issues)... but, that said, if he doesn't beat this, my mom loses her home, because it's in his name. Her mom (my grandma) passed away a few yrs back, and if she loses him, loses her home, she'll be so lost. My sister is out there, but married and in her own life....of course we will both take care of her, but, I just dont' know what to say. I talked to my stepdad on Thursday, when we thought it wasn't cancer, but now they are all in shock, and I've only talked to my mom briefly, and to my sister who is so upset (this has been her dad her whole life).
What do I say when I call???
Prayers please.

 

[minkydog]

It doesn't sound good, does it? I'm so sorry. I guess the doctor will determine what kind of cancer it is. Not throat cancer, but esophageal cancer is a possibility. As far as what to say, you can't make things worse. They have already faced the worst. You could tell them you're scared, that you care, that you love them. Mom and Step-dad need to take steps THIS WEEK to ensure that your mom gets the house. Do they have a will? He could will his entire estate to her, house, bank accounts. If they don't, he needs to make a will immediately. They need to check the life insurance and make sure she's the benficiary. My step-dad didn't do that and ended up leaving $140,000 to his first wives and only $40,000 to Mom. Maybe your sister can help with this, driving them or helping them check the papers, call the attorney,generally help them figure out what to do. ya'll need to be sure you know what his final wishes are too, regarding resuscitation (unless he has an advance directive stating otherwise, they will pull out all the stops to save him even though he has cancer) Sorry to be so analytical about it, but having been through this with my dad and step-dad, neither of whom did anything to get things in readiness, and it was (and still is) a nightmare for all of us.

I wish you the best. I know this must be a terrible time for you.

 

[momof1princess]

first of all, OP, i'm SO sorry for what your family is going through if i may, though, i would suggest that, instead of willing your mom the house, that your dad make a warranty deed giving himself a life estate in the home (meaning he's deeding it to your mom, but it is his, for as long as he lives, then it reverts to her). now, the reason why: my DH's grandmother wanted to give him the family property (75 acres) before she died, and my former boss (an attorney) suggested the warranty deed with life estate, instead of a will, and i'm SO glad he did. after DH's grandmother died, her youngest son and his wife got a copy of the deed and took it to an attorney, in an attempt to take us to court. the attorney told them there was nothing he could do. had DH's grandmother made a will instead, they could have contested it and fought DH in court for the property. now, i don't know whether your stepdad has any kids of his own, but if so, i would suggest this as a better option for your mom, based purely upon my own experience. he would still need a will for anything else he wishes to leave her (which could, of course, be contested). i wish your stepdad the best and he will be in my prayers.

 

[Luv Bunnies]

First of all, take a deep breath! It sound like this came on very suddenly for you and now you're overwhelmed and in shock. Secondly, don't worry about saying the right or wrong thing. Just tell your mom and stepdad that you love them and you're here to support them. They probably need calls from you even more than they did before so don't let fear get in the way. Just ask how things are going. Stay informed about his treatments and decisions they're making. Call just to say hi. They'll appreciate it more than you know!

Regarding your mom and stepdad being divorced and her losing the house -- does your stepdad have a will or a living trust? If not, now is the time to get one and quick. If he wants her to have the house and it's in his name, he can will it plus any other money or property he has to her. Don't hesitate to discuss this with them. It's going to be hard for them to think of everything right now and they'll need you to help them.

 

[can84]

I am so sorry. My mom passed away on Memorial Day from cancer. It sucks. With my mom, we made sure that everything she wanted was spelled out in her will. The one thing we didn't have time to do was get another person's name on her bank account. Please make sure all his bank accounts have either your mom or you or your sister on it, so funds can be accessed in case of an emergency. Find out if he has a health care proxy so that his wishes can be followed. We also started hospice care for my mom, but sadly she passed two days after signing up. They do have social workers and support teams for the family, and your mom can have someone come in and sit with him for a few hours a day so she can get out or run errands or just have a break.

 

[raysnkaysmom]

Thank you guys....it is all so sudden, and I feel so pessimistic and cold talking to them about this, but my mom and I had always discussed it in the past, but it just seems so much more so 'giving up before the fight starts' mentality..
I dont' understand it all, but my mom was mentioning something about even if it was willed, because of past medical bills (maybe it's other bills?) that they will auction off his house (and land he owns in Northern Ca) and use that to apply to that...so she was under the impression even if willed, doesnt' mean she'll get anything...
To the pp who mentioned warranty deed, I'll look into that for them...

Thank you guys

 

[momof1princess]

you're quite welcome it's a warranty deed with a life estate, and it saved our family from a long, contentious court battle. i pray the Lord will hold your stepdad in his loving, healing hands.

 

[raysnkaysmom]

to the pp who said esophageal cancer...

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Esophageal_cancer


Those all seem to point to what he has...symptoms, and high risk (he is a former alcoholic (30+yrs sober), and quit smoking about 5 yrs ago..

When the doctors told them on Friday, my mom and sister were there, but in shock, and missed alot of what was said. My stepdad wasn't fully awake yet, so my mom had to tell him again when they got home ~ Thats why when I asked what kind, they weren't even sure. Like I said, they will know more on Tuesday...

I hate cancer

 

[gurglingsuitcase87]

okay take a deep breathe. Take a step back and just absorb everything you just learned.

This past november, I found out my dad has Bladder cancer. my rents told all my brother and sisters and waited to to tell me because I was at school and They didnt want it to mess me up school wise. I was shocked. I was confused, scared, hurt, I was a mess. My family has always seemed to have good luck never having to deal with anything super heavy *knock on wood* so this was probably the worst news I could ever hear. I was sick to my stomach to hear "I have cancer" come out of my dads mouth. Im 23 and I dont want to lose my dad. Cancer is a scary word. I know EXACTLY how you are feeling. Everytime i heard anything about my dad, I just didn't want to know..even if it was good. They would try to keep my informed, but i knew how upsetting it was for both my parents and that upset me even more.

My dad didn't have chemo, they injected him with tuberculosis to see if that would fight off the cancer. With that, will power, and quitting smoking cold turkey after 40 years He beat it. Tomorrow he is going for the check up (forgive me I dont know medical terms) and I'm a nervous wreck. Im emotional and crying just preparing myself for the worst. The injections made him SO sick and it was so hard to see him like that. Im crying as I type this ahh. But honestly if they want to talk about it, then talk about it. I know my dad wanted to tell everyone..thats the way he is. So I had to listen..even if it was hard to hear. They are scared too and we as family need to be there to listen. I know this was all emotionally draining to my mom too and she just needed to vent. Not only was my dad sick but he was kicking a smoking habit and he was not his usually bubbly self. My poor mother was drained from dealing with all this..sometimes she just needed someone to vent to also. Just be there, thats the best advice I can give you..this will only make you stronger i guarantee! Thank you for posting this thread, its making me feel better about tomorrow to share this with other people. Best of luck with your step father <3 be brave!!

 

[can84]

to the pp who said esophageal cancer...

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Esophageal_cancer


Those all seem to point to what he has...symptoms, and high risk (he is a former alcoholic (30+yrs sober), and quit smoking about 5 yrs ago..

When the doctors told them on Friday, my mom and sister were there, but in shock, and missed alot of what was said. My stepdad wasn't fully awake yet, so my mom had to tell him again when they got home ~ Thats why when I asked what kind, they weren't even sure. Like I said, they will know more on Tuesday...

I hate cancer

okay take a deep breathe. Take a step back and just absorb everything you just learned.

This past november, I found out my dad has Bladder cancer. my rents told all my brother and sisters and waited to to tell me because I was at school and They didnt want it to mess me up school wise. I was shocked. I was confused, scared, hurt, I was a mess. My family has always seemed to have good luck never having to deal with anything super heavy *knock on wood* so this was probably the worst news I could ever hear. I was sick to my stomach to hear "I have cancer" come out of my dads mouth. Im 23 and I dont want to lose my dad. Cancer is a scary word. I know EXACTLY how you are feeling. Everytime i heard anything about my dad, I just didn't want to know..even if it was good. They would try to keep my informed, but i knew how upsetting it was for both my parents and that upset me even more.

My dad didn't have chemo, they injected him with tuberculosis to see if that would fight off the cancer. With that, will power, and quitting smoking cold turkey after 40 years He beat it. Tomorrow he is going for the check up (forgive me I dont know medical terms) and I'm a nervous wreck. Im emotional and crying just preparing myself for the worst. The injections made him SO sick and it was so hard to see him like that. Im crying as I type this ahh. But honestly if they want to talk about it, then talk about it. I know my dad wanted to tell everyone..thats the way he is. So I had to listen..even if it was hard to hear. They are scared too and we as family need to be there to listen. I know this was all emotionally draining to my mom too and she just needed to vent. Not only was my dad sick but he was kicking a smoking habit and he was not his usually bubbly self. My poor mother was drained from dealing with all this..sometimes she just needed someone to vent to also. Just be there, thats the best advice I can give you..this will only make you stronger i guarantee! Thank you for posting this thread, its making me feel better about tomorrow to share this with other people. Best of luck with your step father <3 be brave!!

to both of you--I'll be hoping for positive news for both of you.

 

[luvmy3]

I don't have any advice on what to say but just wanted to send hugs to you and your family

 

[minkydog]

Thank you guys....it is all so sudden, and I feel so pessimistic and cold talking to them about this, but my mom and I had always discussed it in the past, but it just seems so much more so 'giving up before the fight starts' mentality..
I dont' understand it all, but my mom was mentioning something about even if it was willed, because of past medical bills (maybe it's other bills?) that they will auction off his house (and land he owns in Northern Ca) and use that to apply to that...so she was under the impression even if willed, doesnt' mean she'll get anything...
To the pp who mentioned warranty deed, I'll look into that for them...

Thank you guys

THey need to consult an attorney ASAP. He can probably fill them in and make whatever remedies that are available to them.

 

[cm8]

Op, I will keep your family in my thoughts and prayers

 

[Disney Doll]

I would recommend thay contact an attorney who specializes in estate planning ASAP. Theirs is a complicated event, with their having been married, now not married, common law stuff may play in to it, does he have other children that he did NOT have with your mother, how will this affect them, what is this "if he dies the estate goes to pay his bills" thing? Is his property attached?

I am sorry for your family's troubles....

 

[mickilee]

sorry to hear about your family.

I am going threw basically the same thing with my mom right now but she is terminal . I drive 5 hours each way. every weekend to see her . Most times I sit beside the bed and just hold her hand and not say anything. .

When I cant be with her. And can only call. I ask how she is feeling. Is her pain level high. Or ask her if she is having a good day? Or she is giving the nurses a hard time. Then i just move on , and tell her things that are happening in my life that week. Good or bad.

No we dont pretend, any day could be her last. But every conversation I have with her, at the end i always say... Is.. you have to stay strong and postive. And make sure when you can get up out of bed and move.

After awhile the phone calls does get easier.

 

[DisneyMomx7]

I am so sorry for you.

I lost my dad in 1992 to esophogeal cancer.

Prayers for your family.

 

[raysnkaysmom]

I called last night on my way in to work....I actually felt relief when the answering machine came on.... I left my message of 'just checking in... love ya'll, Happy Fathers Day"...
My mom called back and said they had an overall good day, but full of a range of emotions... laughing at stupid things, heartfelt thank yous over cards for Fathers Day, and tears at the word "cancer'...
Bob (my stepdad) was cuttin' up with me in the background while I talked to her...so he seemed in good spirits..
They dont' have to wait til tomorrow to find out something, the doctor wants him in today, to move as fast as possible on what they can do....

Thank you guys....again.
And hugs to all who have been thru the hell of cancer..

 

[Coach K]

Cancer's a b****! I am sorry to hear of this. My wife was diagnosed with esophogeal cancer almost 2 years ago. It went into remission a couple of months later and then came back in the liver, lungs and abdominal area. She's been gone 15 months now. She went through the chemo and radiation the first time. She couldn't handle the treatment the second time. It's tough-I know. Everyone here has offered great suggestions for you. Take heed to follow up on them and if anyone offers to do anything for you, take them up on it because you can't think of every little thing that needs to be done right now and anything that someone else can do for you takes the pressure of of you so you can concentrate on what is important. Best of luck.

 

[ead79]

I'm so sorry to hear about his illness. Please know that prayers are being said for him, you, and your entire family right now.

 

[raysnkaysmom]

Cancer's a b****! I am sorry to hear of this. My wife was diagnosed with esophogeal cancer almost 2 years ago. It went into remission a couple of months later and then came back in the liver, lungs and abdominal area. She's been gone 15 months now. She went through the chemo and radiation the first time. She couldn't handle the treatment the second time. It's tough-I know. Everyone here has offered great suggestions for you. Take heed to follow up on them and if anyone offers to do anything for you, take them up on it because you can't think of every little thing that needs to be done right now and anything that someone else can do for you takes the pressure of of you so you can concentrate on what is important. Best of luck.

My sister told me today that he told my mom 'looks like we're getting married'.. so maybe they are gonna go ahead and go forward with that regardless...
I'm waiting on the phone call, they were meeting wtih the doctor at 5:45pm Pacific Time....