Were you spanked as a child? Do you spank your kids?

[justhat]

Here's what I don't get regards to spanking being 'deserved'. My husband routinely leaves his clothes all over the house, never puts them in the hamper. His newspaper is always all over the house, so our son can later shred them and make a larger mess. I could go on, believe me. I highly doubt I would find anyone on these boards saying he should be spanked (well, other than people thinking they are amusing ), nor would it even cross my mind. He's a grown adult who is well-educated so this is not an issue of not knowing what to do or pure ignorance. And I repeatedly tell him over and over what I would like him to do without change.

So, isn't that the same as telling your child something over and over with no response, ultimately resulting in spanking? You'd never do it to an adult, so what's the difference with your kids? Simply that you can?

I don't mean spanking a kid for running into a road or near water or something truly dangerous like that. I get that cause you have that intense fear of losing your child when you see them in that situation and spanking certainly leaves an impression so hopefully they won't do it again.

But I mean the generic kid who won't listen no matter how many times you tell them to stop coloring on the wall, hammering on the floor, whatever.

 

[tigercat]

I was spanked-hit-smacked with hands, frying pan cords, belts or wooden spoons. I spanked my dkids with my hand. I feel horrible for doing it and have said sorry to them for it. I do think it affected them, I know it certainly did for me. It also didn't take a whole lot to get smacked when I was a kid. My dgrdd's do not get spanked but get a time out. I have looked after dgrdkids while parents worked so have spent a lot of time with them. One dgrdd was put into time out once for 2 min. That was the only time she needed it. My whole way of dealing with things has changed drastically and the dgrkids are really well behaved for not only their parents but for me. I now will tell the dgrdkids what kind of behaviour I expect and I get it. I also thank them after for their good behaviour. No treats just a simple thank you. I feel like it is a step forward.
tigercat

 

[ols386]

I was spanked as a child, although not very often. My parents never used a paddle, belt....only the palm of their hands.

I never spanked my children; I did give them a light swat on the bottom once in awhile (and it was only one swat, not multiple swats), but I don't consider that the same as spanking. When I was spanked as a child, my parents went through the whole ritual of making me bend over their lap, and then did the spanking.

My kids are grown now, but when I stop and think about it, if I had it to do over again, I probably wouldn't even do the light swats...even a light swat on a small child's bottom will sting. Child discipline should not be associated with any form of physical pain, because technically, I think that it probably falls into the violence category. As adults, we are not allowed to react to situations, violently; best to try and react in a more positive manner...like communicating....talking things out in a calm fashion. So, as parents, I think we have to try and set that example for our children. There are many, many forms of discipline, that are not physical.

 

[NHdisneylover]

I was spanked a young child (preschool maybe kindergarten). I don't remember it--doesn't seem to have caused lasting harm. Maybe it did some good
I got lucky and have pretty darned easy (from a bahaviour standpoint) kids. I never had to use spanking with them (nor time out). I rarely have to do anything but when I do the worst thing to do to DD is take away her books/library card and to DS is take away music or computer. I don't look down on parents who do use spanking. From what I have seen it seems to work fairly well for some kids.

Here's what I don't get regards to spanking being 'deserved'. My husband routinely leaves his clothes all over the house, never puts them in the hamper. His newspaper is always all over the house, so our son can later shred them and make a larger mess. I could go on, believe me. I highly doubt I would find anyone on these boards saying he should be spanked (well, other than people thinking they are amusing ), nor would it even cross my mind. He's a grown adult who is well-educated so this is not an issue of not knowing what to do or pure ignorance. And I repeatedly tell him over and over what I would like him to do without change.

So, isn't that the same as telling your child something over and over with no response, ultimately resulting in spanking? You'd never do it to an adult, so what's the difference with your kids? Simply that you can?

I don't mean spanking a kid for running into a road or near water or something truly dangerous like that. I get that cause you have that intense fear of losing your child when you see them in that situation and spanking certainly leaves an impression so hopefully they won't do it again.

But I mean the generic kid who won't listen no matter how many times you tell them to stop coloring on the wall, hammering on the floor, whatever.

Again, I never spanked so I really don't have a dog in this fight. But, this argument always baffles me. Do you send your DH to time out? So you ground him? Take away his allowance? How do you punish your DH? I am guessing you don't. "Punishing" each other is not really part of adult to adult relationships (not healthy ones anyway). Parent-child relationships have a different dynamic. They have to. Unless you can say that you never punish your child even if s/he misbehaves very badly becuase you would not do this to an adult then I don't see how the argument holds water. This also goes the other way. As an adult dealing with another adult you have things you can do with your husband (leave it to the law to punish him if he is really bad, sexual things, driving, drinking, etc.) that you cannot do with your child. To me it is like comparing apples to eggs (not even as close as to oranges)

 

[justhat]

Again, I never spanked so I really don't have a dog in this fight. But, this argument always baffles me. Do you send your DH to time out? So you ground him? Take away his allowance? How do you punish your DH? I am guessing you don't. "Punishing" each other is not really part of adult to adult relationships (not healthy ones anyway). Parent-child relationships have a different dynamic. They have to. Unless you can say that you never punish your child even if s/he misbehaves very badly becuase you would not do this to an adult then I don't see how the argument holds water. This also goes the other way. As an adult dealing with another adult you have things you can do with your husband (leave it to the law to punish him if he is really bad, sexual things, driving, drinking, etc.) that you cannot do with your child. To me it is like comparing apples to eggs (not even as close as to oranges)

Well, effectively yes, he does have the same 'punishment' as my kids. Just like I tell my kids their clothes will not be washed if they are not in the hamper, my husband's do not either if they are not in the hamper. My kids, however, seem to have learned much faster and most of their things make it in there in a timely fashion. My husband, it's usually when he's low on socks or underwear that he starts picking up his stuff. So I don't put him in time-out, but I also don't do that to my kids for that reason either.

My kids go to time-out pretty exclusively for hitting each other or in some way hurting each other. Most other infractions (such as cleaning up toys) just have consequences such as "No new toys can come out till the old ones have been put away."

My point is really not to punish, as I don't see too much effectiveness in that, but to teach my kids to respects others, not just those with authority, but everyone. Putting away your clothes, toys, etc. is just respectful. I am their mother, a family member, not someone hired to clean up after them. And I certainly don't want them thinking that is the case when they are grown and married.

So I guess in my case they are pretty fair comparisons.

 

[TanyaLovesPooh]

Yes, I was spanked as a child although not very often. My parents still say that I was very well behaved and it wasn't necessary often. And yes I spanked my children when they were younger.

I do not regret being spanked or giving a spanking.

 

[C.Ann]

Here's what I don't get regards to spanking being 'deserved'. My husband routinely leaves his clothes all over the house, never puts them in the hamper. His newspaper is always all over the house, so our son can later shred them and make a larger mess. I could go on, believe me. I highly doubt I would find anyone on these boards saying he should be spanked (well, other than people thinking they are amusing ), nor would it even cross my mind. He's a grown adult who is well-educated so this is not an issue of not knowing what to do or pure ignorance. And I repeatedly tell him over and over what I would like him to do without change.

So, isn't that the same as telling your child something over and over with no response, ultimately resulting in spanking? You'd never do it to an adult, so what's the difference with your kids? Simply that you can?

I don't mean spanking a kid for running into a road or near water or something truly dangerous like that. I get that cause you have that intense fear of losing your child when you see them in that situation and spanking certainly leaves an impression so hopefully they won't do it again.

But I mean the generic kid who won't listen no matter how many times you tell them to stop coloring on the wall, hammering on the floor, whatever.

The part of your post that I bolded is what most people are talking about here - not abuse (and yes, there is a vast difference) - not beatings in an attempt to discipline a child - and certainly not an every day form of punishment.. It's just like you stated yourself - on a very rare occasion where there is serious danger involved..

As for dealing differently with an adult - my late DH never let go of my hand and darted out in front of a car; never dangled me out of an upstairs window; and never got caught with matches - setting the grass on fire that was right up against the house.. LOL

That's where the difference comes into play.. I doubt anyone here is spanking their children for leaving their dirty laundry on the floor..

 

[OctMtnWoods]

Yes, I was spanked as a child, but not very often. I remember being "threatened" I would get tha belt at least once, but don't remember if it happened. Guess I wasn't too traumatized if I can't even remember it. I think I turned out just fine. Learned pretty quick what was expected of me and how I was to act.

We don't have children. I think I probably would have spanked if we did. Not out of anger or hate, but in teaching them what is expected. Talking to kids or reasoning with them doesn't work in my opinion. Many kids today don't even seem to respect what their parents say.

 

[NHdisneylover]

Well, effectively yes, he does have the same 'punishment' as my kids. Just like I tell my kids their clothes will not be washed if they are not in the hamper, my husband's do not either if they are not in the hamper. My kids, however, seem to have learned much faster and most of their things make it in there in a timely fashion. My husband, it's usually when he's low on socks or underwear that he starts picking up his stuff. So I don't put him in time-out, but I also don't do that to my kids for that reason either.

My kids go to time-out pretty exclusively for hitting each other or in some way hurting each other. Most other infractions (such as cleaning up toys) just have consequences such as "No new toys can come out till the old ones have been put away."

My point is really not to punish, as I don't see too much effectiveness in that, but to teach my kids to respects others, not just those with authority, but everyone. Putting away your clothes, toys, etc. is just respectful. I am their mother, a family member, not someone hired to clean up after them. And I certainly don't want them thinking that is the case when they are grown and married.

So I guess in my case they are pretty fair comparisons.

I actually parent pretty close to how you do. 98% of the time a natural consequence which works for adutls also works for kids (though I will spell out for a child why their laundry is not getting cleaned whereas I figure an adult is old enough to figure it out on their own). But that other 2% of the time the consequences for an adult are not the same as for a child. You say your children have time outs for hitting one another. What would happen if your husband hit his brother? I doubt you would send him to time out. His brother might press charges and jail time (an extended time out enforced by authorities) might ensue. Do you tell your husband he cannot take out something new if he did not put away the last item? What do you do if he does anyway? Of coruse, as an adult he probably has already learned this lesson (or did not learn it as a child and now is slower to learn as an adult as in your laundry example), but I still bet you will occasionally treat him differently than you would a child (especially a young child). Do you tell your DH what he can and cannot eat? Can you really stop him from buying donuts for breakfast at work every day if he wants to? How about your kids? Can you tell them what to eat? Probably since you pay for their food and are the grown up in charge.
I don't know--it sounds to me like you ARE being a parent from what you say you are doing. But, if you were REALLY treating your children and your husband pretty much exactly the same about pretty much everything then I would say you (generic you) are likely either NOT parenting, or being very unfair and controlling towards your spouse. Kids have an emotional need to have limits set for them. Adults have a need to set their own limits (and teens are so difficult because they are stradling those two needs and go back and forth constantly).

As for dealing differently with an adult - my late DH never let go of my hand and darted out in front of a car; never dangled me out of an upstairs window; and never got caught with matches - setting the grass on fire that was right up against the house.. LOL

That's where the difference comes into play.. I doubt anyone here is spanking their children for leaving their dirty laundry on the floor..

The image of an adult doing those things while his horrified wife looks on is cracking me up If he did we could all agree that his parents did something wrong with him

 

[bubie2.5]

My mother spanked me, my father never did, I had a great relationship with both of them.
My son is only 8 months old, so spanking him has never crossed my mind... for now. Now seriously, I can honestly say I don't think I'll be able to swat his tushie, but I'm open to the option if I we deem it necessary in the future.

 

[Maddykins06]

I was swatted with a wooden spoon & spanked. I will NEVER spank my child.
I have, however, tapped her on the head & flicked her leg to get her attention.

The verbal pain of "what time does the balloon go up" (meaning me & how fat I was) hurt a lot more than any spanking. I STILL have an eating disorder & bad body dysmorphia.

 

[justhat]

That's where the difference comes into play.. I doubt anyone here is spanking their children for leaving their dirty laundry on the floor..

But that's not what many people said. Some did say only in dangerous situations and spelled out running into traffic, near a river, etc. Those are the ones I said I could understand. Others said when they told their child not to do something, child didn't listen, they spanked. No mention of danger, just the kid not listening to directions. Some said they have to spank frequently because their kids don't listen. No, that is not abuse, at least I don't think so. But it's also not done for danger. It's done for blatent disrespect/not listening. Such as repeatedly dumping your clothing on the floor, or toys, or whatever. So that's what I am referring to.

And regarding the fires-my husband has set 2, yes 2 toaster ovens on fire, while my kids have never even touched fire! Believe me, after the 2nd one, which almost set the kitchen cabinets on fire, there was much said about it and he was sort of banned from using it for a period of time.

If one of my kids had done that (and my son did touch the toaster oven while it was on twice at his school), they wouldn't have been spanked either, but would have been banned from using it and reminded of the dangers.


NHDisneylover - I totally get your point, but those situations have never arisen so it's sort of different. I know that if my husband hit his brother his parents would yell at him like they would my own kids. Well, at this point worse. And I know this cause about 10 years ago they played Playstation, my husband lost, is a terrible loser, and threw the Playstation remote. Not only did I comment to him about how childish he was (of course, he was 19, so he was somewhat of a child comparatively), how it could have broken, etc., his mom did as well. Basically what I'd say to my own kid is what I said to him.

The food thing, I sort of do regulate his food. My husband is a physician so you would think he understands health and would eat well. He literally gets Starbucks drinks everyday and often a chocolate donut. Many times I advise him against this because it's so unhealthy and he usually agrees and gets something else (at least on the donut front, haven't kicked his caffeine habit yet!). I don't have to explain it the way I do to my kids cause he knows what the better choice is, nor would I simply not order him something as it is ultimately his choice (unlike my kids where I would likely just say 'no donut').

About taking out something new, no, I don't tell him no, of course, but when he takes out the newspaper for the next day, I do remind him the previous day is still sprawled about. Whether or not he does anything about it is his own deal, but usually he'll recycle it when reminded.

So yes, my kids are far more 'controlled' than my husband, but still, like I said, they often have the same 'punishments' so to speak.

 

[tonys33]

This is such a touchy subject. Some people feel very strongly about not spanking children and will go out of their way to get you in trouble with the law if they witness it... Watch out!

 

[Kickapoo Joie Juice]

Here's what I don't get regards to spanking being 'deserved'. My husband routinely leaves his clothes all over the house, never puts them in the hamper. His newspaper is always all over the house, so our son can later shred them and make a larger mess. I could go on, believe me. I highly doubt I would find anyone on these boards saying he should be spanked (well, other than people thinking they are amusing ), nor would it even cross my mind. He's a grown adult who is well-educated so this is not an issue of not knowing what to do or pure ignorance. And I repeatedly tell him over and over what I would like him to do without change.

I don't know, maybe you need to try spanking your husband?

 

[threecrazykids]

This is such a touchy subject. Some people feel very strongly about not spanking children and will go out of their way to get you in trouble with the law if they witness it... Watch out!

Along this same line though....

My best friend works for CPS and her husband is a police officer...and I can tell you this much...they will NOT take your kids away from you for spanking your kids.
Beating your kids repeatedly will get them taken away, yes.

But I assure you that phone call to the cops or to child protective services because you see someone spank their kid in public is not going to make you the "savior" for that child.
My friend and her husband spank their kids. I think the thing that some people forget that it is NOT against the law. Nor is it necessarily frowned upon from CPS workers or COPS considering some of the juvenile delinquents they see every day where a good a** kickin wouldn't have hurt certain kids somewhere along the way.

Just my 2 cents.

 

[DisneyBamaFan]

Along this same line though....

My best friend works for CPS and her husband is a police officer...and I can tell you this much...they will NOT take your kids away from you for spanking your kids.
Beating your kids repeatedly will get them taken away, yes.

But I assure you that phone call to the cops or to child protective services because you see someone spank their kid in public is not going to make you the "savior" for that child.
My friend and her husband spank their kids. I think the thing that some people forget that it is NOT against the law. Nor is it necessarily frowned upon from CPS workers or COPS considering some of the juvenile delinquents they see every day where a good a** kickin wouldn't have hurt certain kids somewhere along the way.

Just my 2 cents.

Once, when my youngest son was about 3 years old, he cried for about an hour in a stall in the women's bathroom at a local store. Someone called the cops, demanding that child abuse was taking place. When the police arrived and learned that my son was crying because he was spanked, they questioned my son, discovered that he was only "hit" once on the bottom, laughed and asked the woman who had called why she called. She said that spanking was child abuse and my wife should be arrested. The officer corrected her is very clear terms. This in the very liberal northeast.

Spanking is not child abuse, and is perfectly legal. We also discovered that we could have filed suit against this woman had my wife actually been arrested.

 

[Seewhatimesdone]

I was spanked as a child. My father had a bit of a rage problem and I can assure you all it did was make me afraid of him. I never learned anything from it except that he was mean...

 

[justhat]

I don't know, maybe you need to try spanking your husband?

His parents did, but clearly that didn't work out!

 

[Kickapoo Joie Juice]

His parents did, but clearly that didn't work out!

No, I don't mean that kind of spanking, I mean the *other* kind

sorry, just trying to add a little humor

 

[jodifla]

Here's what I don't get regards to spanking being 'deserved'. My husband routinely leaves his clothes all over the house, never puts them in the hamper. His newspaper is always all over the house, so our son can later shred them and make a larger mess. I could go on, believe me. I highly doubt I would find anyone on these boards saying he should be spanked (well, other than people thinking they are amusing ), nor would it even cross my mind. He's a grown adult who is well-educated so this is not an issue of not knowing what to do or pure ignorance. And I repeatedly tell him over and over what I would like him to do without change.

So, isn't that the same as telling your child something over and over with no response, ultimately resulting in spanking? You'd never do it to an adult, so what's the difference with your kids? Simply that you can?

I don't mean spanking a kid for running into a road or near water or something truly dangerous like that. I get that cause you have that intense fear of losing your child when you see them in that situation and spanking certainly leaves an impression so hopefully they won't do it again.

But I mean the generic kid who won't listen no matter how many times you tell them to stop coloring on the wall, hammering on the floor, whatever.

Even way back in the 60s when I was growing up, all spanking was not created equally.

My mother spanked me once--- I think was about 4. My father didn't spank. Although he could easily shred you with words. This was his preferred method of disciplining. Frankly, it really wasn't much more constructive than hitting.

Across the street, the neighbor kids were often spanked or hit, even as they got much, much older. The belt came out regularly. This is a whole 'nother ballgame than spanking your toddler because of a dangerous situation.

We don't spank in our house, but I did smack my son on the bottom once at about a year old. He was underfoot in the kitchen and tripped me -- if I hadn't been quick I would have broken my neck on the fall against the stove. But the look of betrayal on my son's face after I spanked him convinced me that there would be better methods of discipline than that.