weird situation: Ex Wife wants to join us, how to handle ADRs?

[santadog]

Backstory:
Wife left when DD was a year and a half old (she's now 6 1/2)
Since then, Ex Wife has come for 2 visits (one 3 days, one 2 days)
I have full custody, and ex is allowed supervised visitation

I have planned to take DD to WDW from 8/19 - 8/29
Ex is planning on joining us from the 24th to the 29th.

We are doing the Dining plan, and I have all of our ADRs already lined up -
should I
A) make different ADR's for the days "mom" may be there, adjusting for the additional person?
B) Make additional ADR's for the days before "mom" comes, and just use our counter service meals when she's there?
c) Keep what we have, and let "mom" figure out her own plans.

(For What It's Worth, "mom" is currently 57 months behind in her child support, nice that she can afford a Disney trip though!).

 

[macraven]

how can mom afford the air, room, food when she is years behind the child support payments.......

just sayin'




i would say no.
make your and your child's plans and if the EX wants to join in, let it be when you are doing a ride.

what are you going to do when the EX says she doesn't have enough $$ to pay for her food at the restaurant with you?

if you really want her with you for the vacation that is for you and your child, don't include her for any food events...



i know.
i am not much help but i feel so much better saying how it is.

for anyone that will not contribute to their child's financial costs, is someone i would not want to spend time with.


let's see.
someone can take a nice vacation to disney world but can't support their own flesh and blood...

what's wrong with this picture









in keeping with the theme of your question, Alex, i'll take letter C

 

[Cafeen]

57 months? From what it sounds like, she's never paid...

Screw her. I'd even go so far as to consider legal action to prevent her from showing up. There's gotta be some sort of law broken by 57 months of non-payment. Heck, my own father was jailed for a few years for less time than that (was about 4 years of non-payment, but over $150k was due during that time).

Now, I don't know the relationships involved, but coming as an outsider, no way in hell would I put up with her even showing up, much less considering her in the plans.

 

[Tauwillow]

I think you are a very generous and kind person to be gracious enough to make room for her in your vacation. Your daughter is a VERY lucky girl, and I know that these memories will not be forgotten. She will always know that you made room for her mother - and that will just help to enforce her love and respect for you.

That said, I would not make ADRs with your ex. I also worry about the chance of her expecting you to foot the bill. Let her share park time, and counter service with you. These will mean as much to your DD as a fancier sit down meal.

Very honestly, this is about what is best for your daughter - not you or her mom. I think you are taking the very best of the middle roads. Bravo to you!

 

[nurse.darcy]

My son's dad never paid child support. I knew he wouldn't because of his past record. However, my son loves his dad and that is the most important thing here. Do what feels right but absolutely do NOT foot the bill for TS restaurants. At counter service she can purchase her own meals and join the two of you for food and conversation.

 

[Bethannk511]

Being the child of a divorce and the "aunt" of a fabulous nephew whose father is a ******* to him, I can feel your pain.

Do what's best for your daughter. She deserves to have a mom who is around whenever she can. Sounds like some sort of bad situation that she's in, which of course, is no excuse. If she can give time to her daughter when you're in Florida, then allow her to, but, don't foot the bill for anything. If she wants to join you for dinner, make her give you money in advance for it.

 

[daisyx3]

I agree with the others about dinner. I would just like to advise you to not let your daughter go off alone with her mom if you have any inkling she might want to snatch her from your custody.
Daisyx3

 

[lovindisney4ever]

How funny that she has money for the trip but not child support??? I have an ex who is alot like that! I would NOT include her in the table service meals because she may stick you with the whole bill. I would tell her that you are sorry but you have already made your plans and she can meet the two of you after your TS meals.

 

[Ceila]

Maybe it isn't my place to say this, and obviously I don't know your situation other than what you have already posted. However, based on that, I would have to say that I would be leery of your ex taking your daughter anywhere alone, for fear that she would just disappear into the crowd with her. I hope I'm completely wrong and that your ex is finally doing the right thing by her child, but there are many red flags waving.

 

[santadog]

Thanks for the advice and kind words.
Unfortunately, Mom is legally allowed one week of Supervised visitation over summer break, so if I didn't allow it, I'd come off as the bad guy (ironic, I know)

As for "getting stuck" with paying for her meals, suffice to say "I am not that guy" We are able to get by without her child support - quite frankly I am happy to have her not paying, so if she ever does try to regain custody, I can use it against her. (she was only ordered to pay $50 a week, last Feb the judge ordered her to pay an additional $5 a week for the arrears: meaning even if she was paying, she wouldn't be paid off until DD is in her mid 50s)

The only way I'll allow mom to join in on our ADRs is if she is on the dining plan.
The judgement for divorce states that mom is allowed "two non-consecutive one week periods of supervised visitations per year...." it also says she is "not allowed to travel with the child without my written permission" so if she did try to snatch her, or even get on a bus with her back to a resort, she'd be in violation of a court order.

I haven't told her which resort we'll be at, and have called WDW travel, and put a password on the reservation, so she won't be able to access any information. I also specified that if she did book the same resort, that she not be put anywhere near us.

I think I'll keep the ADRs as they stand, and if 'mom' wants to join us and pay, she can, if not: that's her choice.

I have been able to adjust some for the additional person, with the exception of a pre-park opening Cinderella's Royal Table on the last day.

 

[Swan4Me]

How would the one week supervised visit work -lets say where you live?
Would it be you supervising? Or who?

Are you forced to have her with you 24/7?

I'
d just let her meet up with you a couple hours per day-that's it

How did she even find out about the trip if she never sees youe DD?

 

[Feckless]

Although it's a sabotage of your holiday, for your DD, it might be the best thing. She can see her mom, and it will be in a place where ANYONE can have fun. I'm imagining the supervised access might be becoming more awkward at home, now that your DD is getting older.

WTG for you to be the bigger person and put your DD above your feelings. I applaud you for your attitude.

I think your precautions with the resort are a great idea. Also, having some free time will allow you to go off and do some rides that DD may be too young/short for! Are you bringing a SO or traveling solo? I'd enjoy a solo walk around World Showcase, for instance. Try to find some adult things to enjoy while your DD has time with her mom.

I tell people all the time that on separation, you have to let both parents parent. However, not each parent has the same parenting skills and abilities, so you have to let them parent within their abilities. Some parents like you are able to do the daily slog, the hard stuff, the bad stuff and the rewarding stuff. Some parents really should only take their kids to their soccer game, or go to a movie with them every few weekends. Taking your DD around Disney may be the only way she CAN parent, and if that's the case, then let your DD experience that, and experience her mom at her best. It can only help her feel happier, and feel better about herself.

Congrats to you on how you are handling this.

 

[Feckless]

And although it is unfair that she isn't paying child support and is obviously able to (since she can go to Disney) I disagree that your DD should be denied access to her mom (as obviously flawed as she is) because of it. That will hurt her more in the long run than going without (which she is not, because you are providing for her). AGAIN, I mean access that is safe and supervised, and does not tax her obviously lacking parenting abilities.

 

[Mickey's Best Girl]

My DD's father never paid support either, she is now 19.

I have no idea what the full back-story of youir situation is but from just reading your post I choose C.

Good luck!

 

[csharpwv]

I totally agree with you that if she is going to join you for table service meals she MUST be on the dining plan - and she MUST pay her own way through the entire vacation.

You are in fact being the bigger person in allowing Mom to be part of this vacation. You could have just as easily said "NO! Schedule your week at some other time, this is our vacation!" You wouldn't have been a bad person for doing that.

People often times over react to one parent choosing to limit their child's access to the other parent in divorce situations. It is in the child's best interest to be in touch with both parents, but that doesn't mean spending time around them. I have family that neither the mother nor the father are 'good' parents - and it pains me to see them both raising these children like animals. BUT, what are you going to do?

The court made a ruling - two weeks of supervised visitation - you are definitely being the bigger person in this case of even permitting her to join you.

My wife and I have extended the offer to take the kids to Disney before, but neither parents was interested in the offer - so, there you have it.

Make sure she is on the dining plan - make sure she has a valid credit card - and if she tries to get you to pay her bill, walk out and leave her behind! Always make sure her meal is on a separate check. If she has to stay behind the wash dishes - that's on her!

 

[Swan4Me]

Backstory:
Wife left when DD was a year and a half old (she's now 6 1/2)
Since then, Ex Wife has come for 2 visits (one 3 days, one 2 days)
I have full custody, and ex is allowed supervised visitation
).

Does your DD even know who she is?

 

[cam&phoebsmom]

I think your attitude is very generous-how wonderful for your DD that she has someone in her corner who is willing to put her needs first.

But I will also echo the previous poster-how does your DD feel about her mother coming to the world with you? Is this during her regular visitation or is she coming as an extra time with her?

I just can't imagone not having a relationship with a parent and then suddenly having to hang out with them during a very special vacation. I can't help but wonder if it will put a damper on her experience and make her focus more on having to act around her mother than just being able to relax and enjoy herself as any other child would want to.

I hope the situation works out well for you and your DD!!!

 

[roxysmum123]

Thanks for the advice and kind words.
Unfortunately, Mom is legally allowed one week of Supervised visitation over summer break, so if I didn't allow it, I'd come off as the bad guy (ironic, I know)

Where does it say she's legally allowed to crash your vacation? You must have the patience of a saint to be able to handle this. My two cents, for what they're worth (which at the going rate is two cents, lol) is to do ADR's for the time where it's just you and your kid and counter service when the ex is around. My reasoning is counter service is a lot quicker, so gives less of an opportunity for fights/drama/awkward silences/general unpleasantness. Who knows what kind of drama might come up while waiting for an entree to come waltzing out of a kitchen and you definitely sound like the type of person who would not want to subject your child to that.

Also, where I live if you've defaulted on your child support payments for that long you lose visiting privileges (court ordered or not). I'm surprised/sad to hear that you still have to hold up your end of the agreement while the other party is able to flake off on theirs.

 

[santadog]

Where does it say she's legally allowed to crash your vacation?

The exact wording is that she's allowed one week, and it must be arranged within 2 months of the placement. She waited so long the only way she could do it was to use the last week before school started. We'll be in WDW 5 of those 7 days, so she had the option of 5 days in Orlando and 2 days in Madison (since I'd already bought the tix). She decided to just come for the 5 days in Orlando (although I would prefer she just do the 2 days in Madison, LOL)

Also, where I live if you've defaulted on your child support payments for that long you lose visiting privileges (court ordered or not). I'm surprised/sad to hear that you still have to hold up your end of the agreement while the other party is able to flake off on theirs.

I probably could shut her out, she couldn't go to court complaining without her arrears coming into play.
I don't want her to be able to play the "I wanted to do this and this at Disneyworld, but your dad wouldn't let me" card.

I've managed to re-arrange all of the dining so we'll only have one TS meal after mom arrives (a pre-opening CRT). I figure we'll go, and Mom can just meet up with us in the park after it opens.

 

[roxysmum123]

Well hopefully all goes well. Sounds like a breakfast ADR is a good option for the situation.

Good luck, I know you'll have a bunch of us sending you positive thoughts while you're there!