Weddings

[ronandannette]

Nothing should be added to the Mass. It is prohibited. Decades down the road people may find they aren't actually married under church law. Kind of like the guy who about to become a priest when it was discovered his baptismal priest adlibed the Mass. He had to get baptized before he could become a priest.
When you have a Mass somehow you should discretely let your guests know not to partake in the Eucharist as well. With few exceptions most Protestants aren't eligible. For that matter many Catholics should keep their butts in the seat as well but.....
My wedding turned out to be a 2 hour 21 minute Mass conducted in two languages but nothing that wasn't officially part of the liturgy

As we were discussing a few months ago in another thread, a variation of this reason is why, regardless of what they said to Oprah, Harry and Meghan were not married in their back garden a week before their wedding. The Church of England sacrament of marriage requires and prohibits certain things to meet the criteria, and that's not just saying words to each other alone in front of a vicar.

 

[mjkacmom]

Nothing should be added to the Mass. It is prohibited. Decades down the road people may find they aren't actually married under church law. Kind of like the guy who about to become a priest when it was discovered his baptismal priest adlibed the Mass. He had to get baptized before he could become a priest.
When you have a Mass somehow you should discretely let your guests know not to partake in the Eucharist as well. With few exceptions most Protestants aren't eligible. For that matter many Catholics should keep their butts in the seat as well but.....
My wedding turned out to be a 2 hour 21 minute Mass conducted in two languages but nothing that wasn't officially part of the liturgy

I’ve attended dozens of Catholic weddings, all ending in a kiss. DH and I were married by my mom’s cousin, who was a Benedictine monk for 20 years before becoming a parish priest (big Irish Catholic family), the same priest who politely refused to let my Methodist dad take communion at my mother’s funeral which caused a bit of a problem since my dad had Alzheimer’s and really didn’t understand. My state is 40% Catholic, most of our friends are Catholic. ETA we didn’t have a Mass, although most do.

 

[AlohaNow]

So how much is an appropriate gift in NYC?

Welcome to New York!

Signed,
A bride who married into a family with a totally mobbed up last name, where guests covered their plates, put money into the bag, and all the grandmothers, aunts, and great aunts conspired to ensure we were given a full set of china

 

[belle032]

I've been at a few weddings with a dollar dance - people paying to dance with the bride or groom for a few seconds. I now know that it's pretty common in some cultures, but had never heard of such a thing before.

My MIL was trying to push DH & I to have one at our local wedding BBQ/party (we originally had a destination wedding a few months earlier), and I said absolutely not. It was beyond tacky to me, especially since it wasn't technically even our actual wedding. I just saw it as an extra cash grab.

 

[Travel60]

I grew up in a small southern town. Weddings were small in the church of choice with a reception of cake, peanuts and punch (nonalcoholic) in the church hall after.

After college I moved to New Orleans then Memphis where weddings were huge affairs in the cathedral, receptions at country clubs with liveried servers passing appetizers and sit- down dinners. WOW. My wedding in the small town had to bridge that because people from both places were invited. We had church wedding, country club reception with appetizers but no sit down dinner, no alcohol (dry county).
Then we moved to an area with a large Polish population and wow, do those people know how to party! Sit down dinners, dollar dances, alcohol of every variety, 200-300 people. Great fun!
When DD got married we knew she would be reasonable but let her know we would cover what she wanted. SIL family was really into showers so that was fine. They hosted rehearsal dinner - wedding party only. A couple of my friends hosted a tea/shower. Her attendants bought their own dresses but we paid travel and hotel expenses. Wedding was at chapel at her university where she met SIL and reception at local hotel. She invited ~225, 162 responded yes. But, a hurricane was running up the coast and 12 were unable to attend due to cancelled flights and roads out. Reception was at a hotel where most folks also stayed. Hurricane hit during reception (sort of a glancing blow) so DJ couldn't leave, bartenders couldn't go home, so we partied most of the night.

DS is getting married this fall (after Covid pause) in US NW. I'm still figuring out the expectations there. Initial list of invitees 425, the father is trying to keep it to 200-225 so they are trimming. Only about 20 are ours and half them likely won't make the trip. I just wish MOB would pick her dress so I can look for one! Maybe that's not one of the expectations up there.

My point is that different cultures (nationalities, faiths and even parts of the country) have different traditions. What one group might consider tacky, another thinks is a hilarious tradition (the garter thing).

 

[LovesTimone]

We have been to all different kinds of weddings... Fancy, Black tie events for 3 days... to Back Yard, shorts and T-shirts, bring a cooler, and a covered dish... and everything in between.

As a guest I just go with the flow... whatever the couple has chosen to celebrate their day is fine by me...

I think that most fun wedding we went to is when our biker friends tied the knot... It was an all out party... with a little ceremony thrown in... the Groom came up to the wedding with the groomsmen, all on their Harley's... all these biker men in Tux's was pretty cool to see... Beards and Tux's who knew that would become a thing...

The place that the wedding was out in the woods, I thought we were lost on the way out there... it was crazy, we were out in the middle on now where, and the land had a what I only can describe as huge barn structure, with a huge commercial kitchen, and bathrooms that you would see in a stadium, 10 or 12 stalls,and sink in the women restroom... a huge common area, that have table set up, and and up stairs some bedrooms, if I remember there were 10 bedrooms... which we were given one of these to stay in that night... which was really nice, and had its own private bathroom.. there were campers, tents set up out in the field, along with port-a-potties.

It was outside at sunset, simple everyone sitting in lawn or camp chairs, nothing formal at all... Watching them say their vows to each other, and speaking from the heart was simply touching... then the party started... I really can't tell you how many people came and went that night, I think somewhere around 300 + and somehow I ended up being in charge of the food, buffet table and kitchen... friends and family were all pitching in... I was happy and honored to do it for them. They had all the touches and traditions that make it a wedding, just done their way...We dance all night long, outside under the stars... some friends of theirs have a band and played all night...

My friend the bride who I worked with, asked me if I would make the baked beans for the wedding, which I gladly did.. I made 3 super large Turkey size foil pans full of baked beans full to the top, at the last minute the girl that was suppose to make the coleslaw daughter went into labor so I made 3 pans of coleslaw as well... I had to borrow a another mandolin and put DH, and DD to work shredding the cabbage, and carrots...

They cooked 2 pigs in the ground, Plus the beef that was on the grill, commercial size grill, and they were frying chicken and fish in a outside deep fryer's, oh I almost forgot they were roasting corn on the cob on another grill... There was potato salad, macaroni/pasta salads, coleslaw, baked beans, green bean casserole, black-eyed peas, green beans, yellow rice with green peas, some kinda stir-fry veggie, biscuits, corn bread, rolls.... I know that there was more... I honestly have never seen so much food in my life... and people just kept coming all night with food, desserts, drinks... We started cleaning up around 1:30 in the morning... and there wasn't a bite of food left over... everyone just started helping, the guys tackled the outside trash, and a few of us loaded the dish washers with all the dishes and severing utensils...
At 3:00 am we finally went to bed.

The next morning we woke up to the smell of breakfast cooking, for those of us that stayed in the barn... Someone had emptied the dish washers, and set all of it out on the tables for people to pick up, as well someone set anything that was left like camp chairs, and such folded up outside... with a sign that said either take it with you or it belongs to the barn...

I have a picture of DH and I outside under the stars slowing dancing, and one of DH manning one of the grills with his master grilling face on, and of me in the kitchen surrounded by all the food, directing whoever to what to do... DH calls it my Boss look on my face... LOL
Good times for sure...

 

[RedAngie]

My personal petty complaint is against the people who complain about Catholic gaps- probably because I had one. I’m sorry that it was important to me to have a Catholic wedding, which had to be held at the latest 1 pm, with a few hours extra before dinner.

In those situations where there is a hours long gap between ceremony and reception, it’s been my experience that a family member (aunt, cousin, etc.) of the bride or groom hosts an informal gathering at their home. There may be separate ones for each side.

Light refreshments are usually served.

 

[tzolkin]

I’ve attended dozens of Catholic weddings, all ending in a kiss.

The priest may add these items because the couple requests or expects them, but they're not part of the official liturgy. Often the priest will introduce the couple at the end of the service and they may kiss at that point. It's basically a local custom/preference that happens after everything else is concluded.

 

[mjkacmom]

The priest may add these items because the couple requests or expects them, but they're not part of the official liturgy. Often the priest will introduce the couple at the end of the service and they may kiss at that point. It's basically a local custom/preference that happens after everything else is concluded.

It must be local tradition then because I’ve never seen it not done.

 

[lifesavacation]

I just donated all my wedding china to Goodwill. I’ve maybe used it once in 28 years. I do like to create a nice table at holidays. Usually, though, I’m pulling off ideas from Pinterest or blogs. My china with the fancy flowers around the edges that I registered for when I was 20, didn’t really go with anything.

My husband smashed cake in my face thinking it was funny and I’m still pissed about it after 28 years. What a stupid thing to do to someone.

 

[AlohaNow]

My point is that different cultures (nationalities, faiths and even parts of the country) have different traditions. What one group might consider tacky, another thinks is a hilarious tradition (the garter thing).

I agree. The first NY wedding I ever attended was my own, and I was shocked at ‘how it was done’. We moved up to NY from unassuming Delaware (hi @RedAngie ) when I started high school. I had been to a few family weddings that were mostly cake and punch receptions in the church hall. Maybe one ‘fancy’ country club reception with a buffet. So yeah. This was the actual conversation between fiancée and I after the wedding shower the Italian ladies of his family generously threw for me:

Me: This is a cute little silk bag, but I don’t know what I’ll use it for.

Future DH: It’s the money bag.

Me: How is it a money bag? It didn’t come with any money in it…

Future DH: No, it’s the bag we’ll collect cards and money in at the reception when we go around and visit each table.

Me: That would be super tacky. There is no way I am doing that.

Future DH: Then how will we get the money that my relatives are bringing to give us?

So we walked around on his side of the reception, greeting everyone, thanking them for being a part of our day, and collecting cards and money in the money bag. It was just expected. Now if we had done that over on my side of the room, people would have had no clue what we were doing! And that is just one small example of how our wedding was really, really different from what I was used to.

Always love a good wedding thread on the CB!

 

[RedAngie]

My husband smashed cake in my face thinking it was funny and I’m still pissed about it after 28 years. What a stupid thing to do to someone.

The last time I saw the cake smashing was about 10 years ago at the wedding of a close friend’s daughter. The groom smashed the cake in the bride’s face and he thought it was the most hilarious thing and laughed uncontrollably. For about 5 seconds. Then he saw that most of the crowd was aghast.

The bride tried to put on a brave face but it looked like she was close to tears. It put a damper on the whole festive spirit of the reception.

Before that I hadn’t seen the cake smashing since the mid 1980s.

 

[HopperFan]

..

In those situations where there is a hours long gap between ceremony and reception, it’s been my experience that a family member (aunt, cousin, etc.) of the bride or groom hosts an informal gathering at their home. There may be separate ones for each side.

Light refreshments are usually served.

I had a Catholic wedding and I don't understand this gap thing. You can't get married when there is mass but I certainly don't understand what that has to do with your reception. We got married in the evening and reception followed. If I chose to get married before mass, then reception would have still followed. But yes I've heard of folks having an organized activity in between the two rather than leave their guests hanging, which is akin to making them drive long distance between two events.

If I were local with a gap wedding ... not sure I'd go or I'd go to the wedding to show support, and pass on the reception. If I were from out of town I would scope out a cool bar for a group of us to hang out in or maybe a really pretty backdrop somewhere and go do lots of pictures while we are dressed up. If a more casual wedding maybe a stop at a tourist destination. That said I have only been to one wedding where there was a gap (and it was only a couple hours ... due to their pictures) but it was a disaster for guests. And yes there was lots of complaining since folks, mostly from out of town since bride had few friends, as they baked in a parking lot for two hours.

I just donated all my wedding china to Goodwill. I’ve maybe used it once in 28 years. I do like to create a nice table at holidays. Usually, though, I’m pulling off ideas from Pinterest or blogs. My china with the fancy flowers around the edges that I registered for when I was 20, didn’t really go with anything.

My husband smashed cake in my face thinking it was funny and I’m still pissed about it after 28 years. What a stupid thing to do to someone.

I didn't get china, but had several sets of casual. My DD wanted a mix-match china reception. So expensive to rent them. So for 6 mos we hit Goodwills with requirement of white/off white, gold rim and staying in pinks, reds, blues, rose gem like colors (no orange, yellow, green). WELL ... COVID hit and major changes to wedding (but we were lucky in so many ways) including we had to use caterers white dishes because we couldn't preset or touch them. I donated the least likable, gave each niece a set for when they had their own place, DD took all the plain with gold rim, I listed all the not set pieces on eBay to get my money back AND I kept three sets. Ditched my casual sets but one but it is on top shelf, kept two china that match kitchen and a full set of pink roses for dining room. Every night now we eat on real china. If one breaks, no big deal. I think from now on we will be china only people thanks to Goodwill.

The last time I saw the cake smashing was about 10 years ago at the wedding of a close friend’s daughter. The groom smashed the cake in the bride’s face and he thought it was the most hilarious thing and laughed uncontrollably. For about 5 seconds. Then he saw that most of the crowd was aghast.

The bride tried to put on a brave face but it looked like she was close to tears. It put a damper on the whole festive spirit of the reception.

Before that I hadn’t seen the cake smashing since the mid 1980s.

Yes I can't even recall the last time I saw this. We didn't do it 40 years ago. My DD just got married and they cut their cake in a private moment for photographs then the small cake was whisked away. I didn't see until we got the photos it happened so quietly and so fast.

 

[MrsPete]

I don’t think we’ve had a good wedding etiquette thread since before covid.

https://www.buzzfeed.com/lizmrichar...5pAqnbarjxKNtsNWX6MfEbukT_bmvmwzFNWeihz5b9_4Q
Things Non-Americans find strange about American weddings.

Cash bars-<I> wouldn’t do it, but cash bars don’t bother me. I’m not a heavy drinker.

Smashing cake into spouse’s face. Nope nope nope nope nope.

Paying for wedding party’s attire-ExH and I did. Then again I only had a matron of honor and one other bridesmaid.

Garter toss-

I know you’ve got opinions. Let’s hear ‘em.

My kids are 23 and 26, and I'm seeing their generation steer away from many of these "old standards".

Before that I hadn’t seen the cake smashing since the mid 1980s.

I've only seen the cake smash at wedding of very young idiots.

 

[PezRuth]

We got married 15 years ago. My husband collects pez dispensers. So our wedding topper was a bride and groom pez dispensers. So instead of a cake smash or anything like that we fed each other a piece of pez from the dispensers. It was very cute. Also we asked for formal china and we do use it maybe 3 times a year.

 

[ronandannette]

In those situations where there is a hours long gap between ceremony and reception, it’s been my experience that a family member (aunt, cousin, etc.) of the bride or groom hosts an informal gathering at their home. There may be separate ones for each side.

Light refreshments are usually served.

Catholic or not, this is how it always was (and probably still is) done in my hometown. The "gap" between the church and the reception hall was specifically planned so the bridal party could have formal pictures done and that of course takes a couple of hours.

 

[mjkacmom]

Catholic or not, this is how it always was (and probably still is) done in my hometown. The "gap" between the church and the reception hall was specifically planned so the bridal party could have formal pictures done and that of course takes a couple of hours.

I have a wedding album of formal pictures, it certainly didn’t take hours. There were beautiful gardens at our reception site, our wedding party was 13 total, plus family groups. Typically photos take place during cocktail hours, so those in the photos get their own private cocktail hour during the session. Gaps are rare here, especially with more having secular weddings at the venues instead of churches.

 

[Cannot_Wait_4Disney]

No cake smash. That's disrespectful and childish. Especially if your bride or groom doesn't see it coming. One bride made her groom swear up and down he wouldn't do it. He didn't. And then she did it to him. He did not look pleased in the least while she was insufferably pleased with herself. In fact, that one didn't last.
No cash bar. Either serve the full bar, limited bar, champagne only or none. But don't do the cash bar. People don't remember you didn't have margaritas. But they will remember pulling out their wallets.
Saying, "You may kiss the bride" is not customary in my church. But it is in fact done just before the recessional.
Gift registry. I'm certainly ok with doing that. Put some more expensive things and some cheaper things on the registry so people can get what they want. Or people can go completely off the registry if they want. It's just a way to get ideas.
Huge wedding parties. Uh 15 bridesmaids is way too many people. I'd hate to be payin for that rehearsal dinner. Just sayin.

I have a wedding album of formal pictures, it certainly didn’t take hours. There were beautiful gardens at our reception site, our wedding party was 13 total, plus family groups. Typically photos take place during cocktail hours, so those in the photos get their own private cocktail hour during the session. Gaps are rare here, especially with more having secular weddings at the venues instead of churches.

Around here, most of the formals that do not involve the bride and groom together are done before the wedding. After the wedding, there are about 1/2 hour worth or so. We rarely have a gap of more than an hour. And that's if the site of the reception and the site of the wedding differ.

 

[mjkacmom]

Around here, most of the formals that do not involve the bride and groom together are done before the wedding. After the wedding, there are about 1/2 hour worth or so. We rarely have a gap of more than an hour. And that's if the site of the reception and the site of the wedding differ.

Yes, our photographer went to DH’s parents house and then mine (we lived in a tiny apartment not suitable for pictures, or even two people living there (he moved into mine when we got engaged, he had roommates).

 

[Grand Koalafornian]

DW and I did a courthouse wedding but we've been talking about our "real wedding" party that we want to have some day. We're just going to buy alcohol and mixers ourselves. I'm sure most of you find that super tacky, but I think it makes the most sense for us. We'll have under 30 guests and none of our family/friends are big drinkers (and quite a few don't drink at all). We probably won't even go through a whole case of champagne.

We will be using my great-aunt's wedding china that I inherited.

I don't think I've ever seen anything at a wedding that I'd call tacky. I've never actually seen a cake smash or the garter thing. An old colleague of mine had a money dance, but that was before I was even born.