Wedding RSVPs not returned

[DisneyHardin]

Ah.... the missing thank you notes. Granted, your situation is different with the address discrepancies, but here's my story.
When we got married, 2 couples who attended our wedding didn't get thank you notes from us, because we never received gifts from them. They are both comfortable financially, and well-mannered, so I can't imagine they had budget issues or forgot. While we didn't care that they didn't give us a gift, I have felt bad for years wondering if they DID send a gift to the house that got mis-delivered, or bring something to the wedding venue that got lost! Because then I would be that rude person who didn't send the thank you note! And you can't ask them-- what would you say? "What did you get us for our wedding?" That sounds greedy and would put everyone on the spot!

Luckily-- we love both the couples involved and remain friends. It has never been brought up.

We had this situation when we got married. We didn't get a gift from DH's aunt. She is his Godmother and even did a reading at our wedding. She adores DH and adores me. Of course, I never asked her anything, but even after 11 years, I'm still perplexed by it.

 

[kaytieeldr]

I was simply offering a different opinion on how/why people don't return RSVP's.

Fine. But if an RSVP is requested, a response is required.

 

[focusondisney]

Another option to calling would be getting the room block lists at your hotels. You can cross reference to see who has a room but maybe hasn't sent in RSVP.

This would help if you have a large number of guests from out of town or staying at those particular hotels. Many people don’t have large amounts of out of town guests.

 

[Alexle2007]

We had this situation when we got married. We didn't get a gift from DH's aunt. She is his Godmother and even did a reading at our wedding. She adores DH and adores me. Of course, I never asked her anything, but even after 11 years, I'm still perplexed by it.

We had the same situation with my aunt who is also my godmother. No gift but she and her children enjoyed the wedding at my expense. Turns out that my mom purchased and put her name on the bridal shower gift that I received.

 

[kymom99]

Slightly off topic, but since some have mentioned gifts. Regarding my first wedding, my ex husband is an only child. He asked me to have his female cousin in our wedding which I gladly did. Her dad made a big deal out of having to buy a dress and for a wedding gift they gave us a toaster. They were a family of 5 who came to our wedding and enjoyed all we had to offer. The toaster they bought was not off my register. Since I got the one I registered for I returned the one they gave me. It was a $10 toaster. I also found out my ex mother in law bought the cousin’s dress. That was her only expense. There was no bachelorette party or anything like that.

I don’t want to sound like a snob. If this was all they could afford I wouldn’t think twice but that’s not the case. I’ve gotten many modest gifts that I loved. In this case I felt like they resented having to spend a penny on us.

 

[easyas123]

When we got married - 26 years ago now - it was suggested that my husbands two young cousins (by their mothers....) be our flower girls. I was fine with that- worked for me! I wasn't to terribly wrapped up about what the flower girl dresses looked like, so we picked out a few and then let the girls decide from that selection what they'd like to wear. It was decided, they ordered the dresses (from Pennys - not a bridal store) and I thought all was good. Day of wedding, one of my husbands aunts decided they didn't like the dress, found a new one for their daughter, and told the little girl that WE said they couldn't be in the wedding if she didn't wear the pre-ordered dress. The other aunt thought she was nuts....
What a terrible thing to do to the poor little girl - I'm still not sure what in the world caused all the BS to begin with. My Maid of Honor took care of the WHOLE thing! I'm not sure what she said, but everyone was wearing the dresses and in the processional! I didn't find out about it until after the ceremony. We found out shortly after that that they had hit my husbands grandmother up for the cost of the dress and not paid her back. My husband swiftly paid his grandmother. It was just odd.
Aunt offered up her daughter as our flower girl.
We picked several inexpensive dresses from JC Penny, not a bridal store, for them to choose from.
They picked the dress they liked.
Decided right before the ceremony to have some sort of melt down and put kid in another dress that no longer matched the other flower girl and then proceeded to tell little girl that I, the Bride, said she couldn't be in wedding.
Main of Honor swooped in and gave the girls mom a piece of her mind about treating her young daughter like that, throwing a fit, and acting like trash! Smoothed it over and we never knew there was a issue until after!
Crazy aunt hit up my husbands grandmother for the cost of the dress.

 

[Mackenzie Click-Mickelson]

The only thing you can do, is have enough food for everyone that got an invitation. No other way around it. Better to have left over food than not enough.

All catering companies we talked to in our area includes an automatic X% of overage that you could adjust and get more if you wanted to to account for last minute guests, guests who forgot to RSVP, guests who said they would bring themselves but brought a +1, etc. We didn't end up needing the overage but I was glad to have it just in case.

 

[Mackenzie Click-Mickelson]

not if you are paying for it but not getting the benefit of it. depending on the venue/local laws it may be against the contract/illegal for the purchaser to have it (unless they are going to opt to let some guests get additional servings). when you pay 'per plate' it's just that-per plate with the unplated items not boxed up to go. the venue i worked for operated under the same licensing most of the other non day to day restaurants operated under-we couldn't box up unused food to go. doing so was against the law and left us open to huge liability b/c insurance wouldn't have covered us if someone got sick b/c they put the stuff in the back of their car unheated/unrefrigerated. individual caterers sometimes have licensing to provide a flat amount that the purchaser can keep but many have it hard written in their contracts that event food is use it or lose for the event.

Left over food went to us as the wedding couple and was stored in the fridge of the venue until we left for the evening and took it with us. We actually split any of the leftovers amongst our family members who stayed and helped rally up things and wanted it, throwing away any that they didn't want because we as a wedding couple were leaving the next morning for our honeymoon. The food was never released to wedding guests though it was only released to us as a wedding couple to do what we wanted with it.

It would obviously suck to not be able to use food you paid for..but worse IMO to actually run out of food (as a wedding guest that has happened to me and yes I absolutely RSVP'd for that wedding ).

 

[VandVsmama]

Regardless of what the method of RSVP communication is, to not RSVP at all IS RUDE.

I have a relative who does this. It drives me bonkers. The person is so bad at communicating.

 

[Mackenzie Click-Mickelson]

OP how far in advance did the invitations get sent out? I believe the general rule is 6-8 weeks in advance. I believe we sent them 8 weeks out for us.

I think there's different types of people:

1) Sure lazy is one type
2) It got lost in the shuffle of mail on the counter, went through the mail and holy moly we totally forgot to do this
3) People who incorrectly assumed they didn't need to send an RSVP because 'duh silly of course I'm coming'
4) Hold outs for other plans be it intentional in a not so nice "what if something better comes along" but also in another "but no really this other thing that I have a feeling could come up may still come up better wait a tad longer"
5) People who don't RSVP because they don't agree with having to do it (like the poster on the thread already mentioned multiple times)
6) Other

FWIW we just got back from a wedding that was a 3 1/2 hr drive. My mom had total knee replacement a month ago on her one knee with the other knee having been done 4 months ago and was 1) unsure if she could make it 2) unsure if she would need a person (me) to go with her for driving and overall mobility support. She, by necessity, waited a bit longer than she would have ordinarily to RSVP especially to make sure she needed to have me go with her. In the end while she could drive she was uncomfortable with the idea of driving that long with her knee and so I went with her and did the vast majority of the driving and helped her with things. I don't believe she waited past the actual RSVP date but she did wait fairly long-also FWIW the wedding couple were aware of the issue. But without that prior knowledge it's possible, like the OP feels, she would have just been seen as lazy for waiting.

I totally think multiple methods of communication is helpful. We had pre-postaged RSVP cards we sent out but also listed our wedding website as a way. Now would it have bothered us to receive a text? No. I didn't feel comfortable telling my in-laws my grandmother had passed over a text but I wouldn't have cared if they had RSVP'd to our wedding (or some other person had) via text. Would I have preferred the RSVP cards? Sure but it wouldn't have bothered me to receive it a different way. Obviously YMMV on that part. In the grand scheme of wedding planning we did I just wanted to know in the end. I didn't have any energy to care what method that answer came in.

I receive far more invites via FB than actual mail and it doesn't seem to be a generational thing from the folks I know but that's because I know more older people on FB. I'm not suggesting a wedding invite/RSVP on FB just saying it's not a 'younger people-get off my lawn' type thing.

In any case OP I wouldn't go hounding anyone until probably 5-7days after the deadline. Snail mail..is well snail mail. It's not always 100% reliable or predictable.

 

[barkley]

Ah.... the missing thank you notes. Granted, your situation is different with the address discrepancies, but here's my story.
When we got married, 2 couples who attended our wedding didn't get thank you notes from us, because we never received gifts from them. They are both comfortable financially, and well-mannered, so I can't imagine they had budget issues or forgot. While we didn't care that they didn't give us a gift, I have felt bad for years wondering if they DID send a gift to the house that got mis-delivered, or bring something to the wedding venue that got lost! Because then I would be that rude person who didn't send the thank you note! And you can't ask them-- what would you say? "What did you get us for our wedding?" That sounds greedy and would put everyone on the spot!

Luckily-- we love both the couples involved and remain friends. It has never been brought up.

we received a wedding gift about 3 or 4 years AFTER the fact. dh's mom had bought the suit she wore to our wedding for that event. hung it back into the dry cleaning bag when she got home and didn't go to retrieve it till another special event a few years later. mil reaches into the pocket and realizes something's in it-a sealed card with dh/my name on it. she recognizes the handwriting and is floored to remember that at our reception on of her friends handed her the card to put into a card box we had on the gift table but she totally forgot to. mil immediately calls her friend to profusely apologize but her friends at a loss b/c she sez she KNOWS she got a thank you note from us b/c she so rarely gets them anymore. mil comes over to our place to explain the situation, deliver the card and ask how in the world we could have sent a thank you. 'simple' i said-

we obviously sent thank you notes to everyone that we had a record of a gift from but there were a few names on the guest book from the church that we couldn't identify a specific gift from so we decided to do a generic note (figured it's the rare exception someone attends w/no gift of some sort) that read 'thank you for your generosity in sharing our special day'. we figured it covered if someone did/didn't send a gift. guess we figured right.

p.s.-thankfully the gift in the card was cash and not a stale dated check.

 

[kymom99]

we received a wedding gift about 3 or 4 years AFTER the fact. dh's mom had bought the suit she wore to our wedding for that event. hung it back into the dry cleaning bag when she got home and didn't go to retrieve it till another special event a few years later. mil reaches into the pocket and realizes something's in it-a sealed card with dh/my name on it. she recognizes the handwriting and is floored to remember that at our reception on of her friends handed her the card to put into a card box we had on the gift table but she totally forgot to. mil immediately calls her friend to profusely apologize but her friends at a loss b/c she sez she KNOWS she got a thank you note from us b/c she so rarely gets them anymore. mil comes over to our place to explain the situation, deliver the card and ask how in the world we could have sent a thank you. 'simple' i said-

we obviously sent thank you notes to everyone that we had a record of a gift from but there were a few names on the guest book from the church that we couldn't identify a specific gift from so we decided to do a generic note (figured it's the rare exception someone attends w/no gift of some sort) that read 'thank you for your generosity in sharing our special day'. we figured it covered if someone did/didn't send a gift. guess we figured right.

p.s.-thankfully the gift in the card was cash and not a stale dated check.

that was a nice surprise!

 

[cedricandsophie]

If I had to reserve a spot at a party/wedding/reception I wouldn't bother going. Sorry, I don't consider it poor manners, just not my type of crowd. If someone called/texted and invited me I would respond with an honest yes/no.

I just sent invitations to about 120 people for a 70th birthday party for myself. With invitees aged from 17 to 80. And yes I do expect you to ‘reserve a spot’ so I can buy you a meal, write a place card and have enough tables and table settings and of course liquor. I’m having a DJ, professional photographer and it’s a winter prom theme so I expect people to dress up. If there is someone that doesn’t like my ‘requirements’ then the least they could do is politely tell me no. Even the millennials I know have enough common sense to recognize that.

 

[PollyannaMom]

We had this situation when we got married. We didn't get a gift from DH's aunt.

Slightly off topic, but since some have mentioned gifts.

we received a wedding gift about 3 or 4 years AFTER the fact

I'm glad I'm not the only one with a weird gift story! I found out years later that someone who couldn't attend had sent something that didn't make it. (My mom was friends with hers, and I guess the subject came up because she was looking for a similar one for someone else.) I felt so bad that all that time, she'd probably thought I didn't like it.

 

[*WDW*Groupie*]

Perhaps some on here can help me out.

I got an invitation (I think) to a wedding reception via text message. My cousin's daughter (who is the sweetest girl) got married in a surprise ceremony with just family present a month ago. Her in-laws said they'd throw them a reception. I got a text message letting me know that they got married (with some beautiful pictures) and to let me know there would be a ceremony on X date and time (but no address mentioned).

Since it would involve a flight, rental car and hotel for 2 nights I am not sure if I want to go to the expense. I did send them a Nespresso Vertuo with an aerocinno attachment as a gift (because they are not registered anywhere and this was the only thing she said she wanted and, like I said, she is a very sweet girl who lost her father when she was 17 and my cousin has some issues, so she's had a bit of a hard journey). But my dilemma is this: do I RSVP to the reception? I'm not even 100% certain I was invited. I did text and ask for details and she told me that the reception is going to be at her in-laws in the backyard (in mid-November, so temperatures will be around mid-50s) and she's not sure if they are catering or she and her MIL are making food. WWYD? She has received the gift and loves it, so I feel that I've done my part.

Also I've been a guest that was invited to a wedding and attended the reception (but not the ceremony). It was an out-of-town wedding and our dd was little; dh and I took dd sailing for the day with family that we rarely see, she had a nap, then we went to the reception later in the afternoon. I didn't think twice about it and hope others don't think it rude. We had to drive 3 hours, get a hotel for 2 nights and the family we spent time with wasn't at the wedding / reception (and we wanted to spend time with them). I'd say 99% of the time we go to wedding and reception, but I feel like there are exceptions. Couple is long since divorced so I doubt it matters to them but we did have a great day family day where many fond memories were made.

And finally I find it incredibly rude to not respond to RSVPs. When dh and I got married one of my MILs friends sent back the invitation writing that she "had no idea who the invitation was for" on the outside of the envelope. I had to tell MIL her friend returned the invitation and MIL told me it was because "her name wasn't included on the invitation" (dh and her have a different last name, she didn't contribute a dime to the wedding, plus dh and his mom are not close), so her friend had no idea who the invitation was for! MIL made me re-send the invitation to this friend (who now knew who dh was) and they never responded (I figured they weren't coming and they didn't).

 

[kymom99]

Perhaps some on here can help me out.

I got an invitation (I think) to a wedding reception via text message. My cousin's daughter (who is the sweetest girl) got married in a surprise ceremony with just family present a month ago. Her in-laws said they'd throw them a reception. I got a text message letting me know that they got married (with some beautiful pictures) and to let me know there would be a ceremony on X date and time (but no address mentioned).

Since it would involve a flight, rental car and hotel for 2 nights I am not sure if I want to go to the expense. I did send them a Nespresso Vertuo with an aerocinno attachment as a gift (because they are not registered anywhere and this was the only thing she said she wanted and, like I said, she is a very sweet girl who lost her father when she was 17 and my cousin has some issues, so she's had a bit of a hard journey). But my dilemma is this: do I RSVP to the reception? I'm not even 100% certain I was invited. I did text and ask for details and she told me that the reception is going to be at her in-laws in the backyard (in mid-November, so temperatures will be around mid-50s) and she's not sure if they are catering or she and her MIL are making food. WWYD? She has received the gift and loves it, so I feel that I've done my part.

Also I've been a guest that was invited to a wedding and attended the reception (but not the ceremony). It was an out-of-town wedding and our dd was little; dh and I took dd sailing for the day with family that we rarely see, she had a nap, then we went to the reception later in the afternoon. I didn't think twice about it and hope others don't think it rude. We had to drive 3 hours, get a hotel for 2 nights and the family we spent time with wasn't at the wedding / reception (and we wanted to spend time with them). I'd say 99% of the time we go to wedding and reception, but I feel like there are exceptions. Couple is long since divorced so I doubt it matters to them but we did have a great day family day where many fond memories were made.

And finally I find it incredibly rude to not respond to RSVPs. When dh and I got married one of my MILs friends sent back the invitation writing that she "had no idea who the invitation was for" on the outside of the envelope. I had to tell MIL her friend returned the invitation and MIL told me it was because "her name wasn't included on the invitation" (dh and her have a different last name, she didn't contribute a dime to the wedding, plus dh and his mom are not close), so her friend had no idea who the invitation was for! MIL made me re-send the invitation to this friend (who now knew who dh was) and they never responded (I figured they weren't coming and they didn't).

Regarding the text you received, I would just respond with, “It sounds like it will be lovely! Please send me pictures of your special day. I wish I lived closer so I could see it in person.”

 

[yoopermom]

I thought of this thread because I just got a wedding shower invite that asked for "only money, no gifts", happened to run into the bride to be who told me she hates shower games, so they're not playing any, so now I don't feel like going, since there will be no gift opening and no game playing. All I can figure is that they're going to sit around drinking spiked punch and counting the cash in the envelopes!

But I did RSVP "no", I promise!

Terri

 

[Mackenzie Click-Mickelson]

I thought of this thread because I just got a wedding shower invite that asked for "only money, no gifts", happened to run into the bride to be who told me she hates shower games, so they're not playing any, so now I don't feel like going, since there will be no gift opening and no game playing. All I can figure is that they're going to sit around drinking spiked punch and counting the cash in the envelopes!

But I did RSVP "no", I promise!

Terri

Honestly? I never really liked all the games played at showers (baby, wedding/couples/bridal, etc)

At my bridal shower we did not play games though we did have gifts to open. Most of it was spent talking with my family and my soon to be family and them to talk with each other

 

[afan]

I thought of this thread because I just got a wedding shower invite that asked for "only money, no gifts", happened to run into the bride to be who told me she hates shower games, so they're not playing any, so now I don't feel like going, since there will be no gift opening and no game playing. All I can figure is that they're going to sit around drinking spiked punch and counting the cash in the envelopes!

But I did RSVP "no", I promise!

Terri

That's when you should just have a lunch at a restaurant and everyone can pay their own way. That's what my alumnae chapter has done for wedding or baby showers. So much easier on everyone and we all enjoy it.

 

[kiddo76]

I thought of this thread because I just got a wedding shower invite that asked for "only money, no gifts", happened to run into the bride to be who told me she hates shower games, so they're not playing any, so now I don't feel like going, since there will be no gift opening and no game playing. All I can figure is that they're going to sit around drinking spiked punch and counting the cash in the envelopes!

But I did RSVP "no", I promise!

Terri

The request in an invite seems a bit rude. However, this actually sounds like the perfect shower to me, lol! I hate shower games, they feel like forced socialization to me. Plus, I can only summon up so much excitement watching the BTB open another place setting.